scottiejohn Posted May 31, 2018 Share Posted May 31, 2018 Why won"t Al Qaida ever bomb a Ryanair flight? Because they want to go straight to paradise, not 30 miles away and take a taxi. You heard about that new talking Taliban action figure? No one knows what it says cos they're too scared to pull the toggle! Muslim fundamentalists have got to be the worst terrorists in history. Even the Irish worked out how you could walk away from a bomb before it blows up! I'm having some problems with my new Staffordshire Bull Terrier- I rang the vet for some advice. I explained he was brown, stupid, aggressive and liable to attack anyone for no good reason. The vet replied " Muzzle "im? " No, I said- I think he's an atheist. Q. What is the difference between a smarty and a terrorist? A. A smarty doesn't blow up in the tube. (Note) a Smarty is a UK sweet that is sold in tubes) and the tube is also the London underground! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CantSpell Posted May 31, 2018 Share Posted May 31, 2018 Brought my cat the the vet yesterday.. Cat: Meow. Me: Yes, I know, that is why we are here... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CantSpell Posted May 31, 2018 Share Posted May 31, 2018 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CantSpell Posted May 31, 2018 Share Posted May 31, 2018 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CantSpell Posted June 1, 2018 Share Posted June 1, 2018 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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scottiejohn Posted June 2, 2018 Share Posted June 2, 2018 22 hours ago, CantSpell said: Actually I thought he was in the soup this time but lets not get in a real stew and all stirred up in the heat of the moment. What else have you got cooking for us? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted June 2, 2018 Share Posted June 2, 2018 On a similar vein to the above and from the same menu I offer you this;- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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scottiejohn Posted June 2, 2018 Share Posted June 2, 2018 And for the conspiracy theorists out there; 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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scottiejohn Posted June 2, 2018 Share Posted June 2, 2018 Wind your neck in!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post kickstart Posted June 2, 2018 Popular Post Share Posted June 2, 2018 A family of sheep decide to have a day in London, they go to the train station to ask the booking clerk for a "sheep day return to London ." 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post superal Posted June 2, 2018 Popular Post Share Posted June 2, 2018 Mick, from Dublin , appeared on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ And towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros. “You’ve done very well so far,” said Chris Tarrant, the show’s presenter, “but for a million euros you’ve only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?” “Sure,” said Mick. “I’ll have a go!” “Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? A) SparrowB) ThrushC) MagpieD) Cuckoo? “I haven’t got a clue.” said Mick, ”So I’ll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin .” Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. “Fookin hell, Mick!” cried Paddy.“Dat’s simple … it’s a cuckoo.” “Are you sure?” “I’m fookin sure.” Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, “I’ll go with cuckoo as my answer.” “Is that your final answer?” asked Chris. “Dat it is.” There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, “Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you’ve won 1 million euros!” The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink. “Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven’s name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn’t build its own nest?” “Because he lives in a Fookin clock!” 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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scottiejohn Posted June 3, 2018 Share Posted June 3, 2018 (edited) A bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I must confess darling, I was a hooker for a number of years!". He says "That's alright, dear. I was a bit of a Gigolo before we met and I understand. Also your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me all about it". She replies "Well, my name was Nigel when I played Hooker for Wigan Rugby Club and I loved playing with all those Jock Strap contents in the scrum and so I wanted some more of the action off the field". That's when I changed my name after the operation! PS; In Rugby the “Hooker” is player in the middle of the front row of the scrum, who tries to hook the ball. Edited June 3, 2018 by scottiejohn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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scottiejohn Posted June 3, 2018 Share Posted June 3, 2018 A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a beer and a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drinks back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice." 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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superal Posted June 3, 2018 Share Posted June 3, 2018 Women's Logic? An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam.. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat." "But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post superal Posted June 7, 2018 Popular Post Share Posted June 7, 2018 Subject: MY LAST HARLEY RIDE While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the roadwhen a shinny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful womanwho asked, "Are you okay?"As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse withcleavage to die for..."I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of thecar to get a closer look.She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandagethat nasty scrape on your head.”"That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will likeme doing that!"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you haveany more scrapes and then treat them properly."Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shakenand weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after acouple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "Ifeel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset soI'd better go now.""Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouseexposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for awhile. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?""Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess." 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superal Posted June 7, 2018 Share Posted June 7, 2018 Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the StateTrooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so heasked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?" So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingeringkiss followed immediately by another even better one.After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and eventhe State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting,Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?""My parents don't like me dressing like a girl." It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed?? 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CantSpell Posted June 7, 2018 Share Posted June 7, 2018 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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scottiejohn Posted June 7, 2018 Share Posted June 7, 2018 A science teacher asked her students "Children, if you could own one mineral what would it be? One boy said, "I would choose gold. Its worth lots of money and I could buy a Corvette." Another boy said " I would want platinum because its worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher said, "Johnny, What would you want? Johnny said "I would want silicone." "Silicone, that is not even a mineral it is manufactured. Why would you want silicone?" Asked the teacher "Well my mom got some, he replied. And there's always a Porsche or Corvette sitting in our driveway and ALL the men always give me at least $20 and send me off to the candy store or cinema and tell me to manufacture an excuse for my cash and candy etc" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted June 7, 2018 Share Posted June 7, 2018 "Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore. "Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do." The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on." The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife is the problem she didn't give me an erection either." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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