Why won"t Al Qaida ever bomb a Ryanair flight? Because they want to go straight to paradise, not 30 miles away and take a taxi.

You heard about that new talking Taliban action figure?  No one knows what it says cos they're too scared to pull the toggle!

Muslim fundamentalists have got to be the worst terrorists in history.  Even the Irish worked out how you could walk away from a bomb before it blows up!

I'm having some problems with my new Staffordshire Bull Terrier- I rang the vet for some advice.  I explained he was brown, stupid, aggressive and liable to attack anyone for no good reason.  The vet replied " Muzzle "im? " No, I said- I think he's an atheist.

Q. What is the difference between a smarty and a terrorist? A.  A smarty doesn't blow up in the tube.

 

 

(Note) a Smarty is a UK sweet that is sold in tubes) and the tube is also the London underground!

 

Brought my cat the the vet yesterday..

 

Cat: Meow.

Me: Yes, I know, that is why we are here...

22 hours ago, CantSpell said:

Actually I thought he was in the soup this time but lets not get in a real stew and all stirred up in the heat of the moment.

What else have you got cooking for us?

On a similar vein to the above and from the same menu I offer you this;-

And for the conspiracy theorists out there;

 

Wind your neck in!!

 

A family of sheep decide to have a day in London, they go to the train station to ask the booking clerk  for a "sheep day return to London ."

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’  And towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

 

“You’ve done very well so far,” said Chris Tarrant, the show’s presenter, “but for a million euros you’ve only got one life-line left, phone a friend.  Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?”

 

“Sure,” said Mick. “I’ll have a go!”

 

“Which of the following birds does not build its own nest?

 

A) Sparrow

B) Thrush

C) Magpie

D) Cuckoo?

 

“I haven’t got a clue.” said Mick,  ”So I’ll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin .”

 

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

 

“Fookin hell, Mick!” cried Paddy.

“Dat’s simple … it’s a cuckoo.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“I’m fookin sure.”

 

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, “I’ll go with cuckoo as my answer.”

 

“Is that your final answer?” asked Chris.

 

“Dat it is.”

 

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, “Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you’ve won 1 million euros!”

 

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.  “Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven’s name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn’t build its own nest?”

 

“Because he lives in a Fookin clock!”
 

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I must confess darling, I was a hooker for a number of years!".
He says "That's alright, dear.  I was a bit of a Gigolo before we met and I understand. Also your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me all about it".

She replies "Well, my name was Nigel when I played Hooker for Wigan Rugby Club and I loved playing with all those Jock Strap contents in the scrum and so I wanted some more of the action off the field".  That's when I changed my name after the operation!

 

 

PS; In Rugby the “Hooker” is player in the middle of the front row of the scrum, who tries to hook the ball. 

 

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
 The Irishman asked for a beer and a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. 
 The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
 He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

 The Irishman then handed his drinks back to the attendant and said,

 

 

"Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice." 

 

Women's Logic?        An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam.. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat." "But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat!!

Subject: MY LAST HARLEY RIDE

 

 

 

 

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost

control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road
when a shinny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman
who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with
cleavage to die for...

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the
car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage
that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like
me doing that!

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have
any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive.  Being sort of shaken
and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a
couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I
feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so
I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse
exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a
while.  She won't know anything.  By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."

 

Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge.  So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State
Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he
asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?" 

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering
kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even
the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting,
Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl." 

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed??

A science teacher asked her students "Children, if you could own one mineral what would it be?

One boy said, "I would choose gold. Its worth lots of money and I could buy a Corvette."
Another boy said " I would want platinum because its worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche."
The teacher said, "Johnny, What would you want?
Johnny said "I would want silicone."
"Silicone, that is not even a mineral it is manufactured.  Why would you want silicone?" Asked the teacher

 

 

 "Well my mom got some, he replied. And there's always a Porsche or Corvette sitting in our driveway and ALL the men always give me at least $20 and send me off to the candy store or cinema and tell me to manufacture an excuse for my cash and candy etc"
 

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

 "Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
 The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."
 The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. 

 

 

"Your wife is the problem   she didn't give me an erection either."