A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"

 The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

 "A Christmas tree?" the young woman asks.

 

 

 "Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only." 

Bloody cyclists!

Stuck behind this one for 16 miles!

Down the High St, along the Avenue, across the park

and I had to pull my mirrors in to get down the alley.

 

 

On your bike jimmy!

Does that count as a men(st**al) cycle, ars**ng about  or just a big come on?

A guy walks into an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
 Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"
 Customer says, "Female"
 Counter guy asks, "Black, yellow or white?"
 Customer says, "White"
 Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"

 Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"

 Counter guy says, "A whole lot, as a matter of fact.--

 

 

The Muslim one blows itself up!" 

 

A young Chinese couple who worked in the same UK Chinese take away get married.
 She's a virgin, and truth be told he's a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
 On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
 He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

 "My darring," he whispers, "I kow dis you firss time and you berry ffighten."

 "I pommmise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting - juss anyting you wan, You juss as. Whatchu wan?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

 A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

 She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try sumting I have heard about from other customers I mean  girls... numbaa 69."

 More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

 Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...

 

 

"You really wanting... Chicken Cully wif flied lice 

Despite what some TV members say about me I want to make the following clear:--

 

One Monday morning a TV member (YOU know who you are!)  is walking the Mooban on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed  Bob, his neighbour, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles and a very black eye. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the TV member comments.

 Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for a little fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I and not even thinking I also took part."

 The TV member thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

 Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

 The TV member laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

 Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds.

 

 

"Your name came up four or five times. and so did mine, hence the black eye and no girlfriend." 
 

1 hour ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

 

Very very ols.

Sent from my iPhone using Thaivisa Connect

14 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Were gonna prove you wrong  ⚽?  and play at least 3 games ?

1 hour ago, superal said:

Were gonna prove you wrong  ⚽?  and play at least 3 games 

Yes but what games, tiddlywinks or subuteo?

17 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

Yes but what games, tiddlywinks or subuteo?

Sorry John , I should have been more precise , I forgot that Scotland takes little interest in football ?

An elderly man in the Atherton Tablelands in Queensland had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, a barbecue and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a twenty litre bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the crocodile...'

Some old men can still think fast.

2 minutes ago, superal said:

Some old men can still think fast.

So it wasn't you in the story then!

?

Told you I would get revenge!

34 minutes ago, superal said:

Scotland takes little interest in football ?

The people of Scotland take a great interest in football.  The only problem is that their footballers don't have any interest in actually PLAYING football!

 

?

A woman goes to the hospital.  "What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor. "Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my Vagina."     The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said "Those aren't  postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas"

 

 

 

 

So it was the bananas going round the bend, not her!

 

 

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. 

 "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

God decided to take the devil to the celestial court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said,

 

"And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
 

An elderly lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone as he was nearing the end of his time on earth. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.

"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer"

"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer. "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it and exclaim,

 

"That's Strange!"

The other day was Take Your Child To Work day at Wembley Stadium prior to the English team heading of to Russia.

The kids had a fun time, playing indoor 5 a-side against their fathers and to their delight won 15-3.