Worst Joke Ever

[scottiejohn]

[CantSpell]

[CantSpell]

[CantSpell]

[CantSpell]

[scottiejohn]

[superal]

DATING  IN THE 60s. Remember those days  ? 



It  was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960, and James had a date  with Annabella.

He  arrived at her house and rang the bell. 

'Oh,  come on in!' Annabella's mother said as she welcomed James. 

'Have  a seat in the sitting room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade?  Tea?'

'Tea,  please,' James said. Mum brought the tea. 

'So, what are you and Annabella planning to do tonight?' she asked interestedly. 

'Oh,  probably go to the flicks and then maybe  grab a bite to eat at the coffee bar, perhaps have a walk on the beach afterwards.'

'Annabella  likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him. 

'Really?'James gasped, surprised to say the least. 

'Oh yes,' mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'

'Is that so?' asked James, incredulously. 

'Oh yes,'she said. 

'As a matter of fact,she'd screw all night if we let her!' 

'Phew!  Well, thanks for the tip!' James  said as he began thinking about alternative plans for  the evening.

A moment later, Annabella  came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.

She greeted James. 

'Have fun, kids!' mother said as they left. 

Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Annabella burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.


'The  Twist, Mum!' she yelled angrily to her mother in the kitchen.

'The bloody dance is called the ....... Twist!' 

[scottiejohn]

[superal]

Paddy On The Train

Paddy is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top
of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my vagina?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," Paddy replies and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite all right," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the vagina blows him a kiss.

Paddy, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder vagina can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Paddy stares in amazement as the vagina winks at him. "Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.

Paddy moves over and she smiles and asks, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, Paddy replies, "Be Jesus you’re kidding—you mean it can whistle, too?”

[CantSpell]

[CantSpell]

[CantSpell]

[superal]

5 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

So it was the bananas going round the bend, not her!

 

gotta use your imagination  but what ever turns you on  555

[laislica]

I use to have a job sweeping up in a glitter factory,

it was pretty rubbish.

[laislica]

Truer as time passes.....

 

[superal]

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.  That's when he realised he had made it home safely. 

 
In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead. 
 

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth


Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.  


 

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, <deleted> the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen? 


 

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room.  Dad reluctantly agrees.

Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'  

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.

Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'

Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'


 

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

 

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.  I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!" My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door,  she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!" A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned,  I masturbated while thinking about my sister." "That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."  A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country  so that they can see their own doctor. I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom.  It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

[superal]

A history teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was Churchill famous for?' 
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man to be called Winston!' 

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Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ? 
Everybody won. 

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What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law? 
About 2.3 pounds including the urn. 

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Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.

Got through to a call centre in Pakistan . 
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......
 
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I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me... 

'Oi, what's your disability?' 

I said 'Tourettes! Now eff off!' 

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A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving. 

'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks.. 
'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says.. 

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says 'Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?' 

'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!' 
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A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'. 

He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'. 

She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'. 
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Tampax are changing their design they are replacing the string with  a piece of tinsel .... This is for the Christmas period only!   
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A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'. 

His wife replies 'You've got a bigger knob than your brother'

 

 

[Mike Teavee]

Bought a new fridge for the kids yesterday, you should have see their little faces light up when they opened the door

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My grandfather tried to warn people about the Titanic, he screamed & he shouted... "It's going to sink, It's going to sink"

 

But eventually they just threw him out of the cinema

 

[superal]

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's
hope it's not the 13th then."



My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover
the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.




Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it
gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.



Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can
supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier
I think.




Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white
they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.

I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.




A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt 

Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...




Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's
Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.


Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!



A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look
horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'


He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect'






An elderly couple are attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans
over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you
think I should do?'


He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Q: What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
 A: Pregnant. 

Q. Why is Frankenstein a <deleted>?

 A. Because his nuts are in his neck. 

 

A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only shorts made from Clingfilm/Glad Wrap.
 The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."  

 

Two Irish women are shopping together in the supermarket, and come to the produce section.

 One woman reaches into the bin and pulls out two very large potatoes.
 "My goodness, but dese potatos remind me of me Sean's balls!" she exclaims
 "Ooo are dey dat big?" her friend asks

 "No she replies" just that bleeding dirty!"

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.

While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a hamburger, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

 

 

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!' . 

 
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

 

 It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

 

 My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

 

 Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

 

 A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

 

 A hooker once told me she had a headache.

 

 I went to a massage parlour. It was self service.

 

 If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

 

 I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No,I hate myself now."

 

 I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off  they even use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

 

 My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

[CantSpell]

[superal]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.  
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, 
I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, cowboy.  Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 
'no...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

[superal]

 

 A retired couple was at home watching TV.

The man had the remote and was switching back and forth
between a fishing channel and a porn channel.

The woman became more and more annoyed and finally said:
"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You know how to fish!"

[superal]

IS THERE SEX AFTER DEATH?

      

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the

other if there is sex after death.  Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at

all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word,

he made the first contact: "  Marion ...  Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful!  What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and

then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm

sun and then have sex a couple of more times...

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud of me I eat lots of

green vegetables). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have

sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late

at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over

again."

 

"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"

 

"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in South Carolina."

[superal]

This is scary "they walk amongst us!!!!!"
Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.
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Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.
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RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'
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Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.
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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland'.
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Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.
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There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the ? prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too bloody stupid to own a computer!!!!!'