A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up".

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

 A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 7 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 8. You were so close, but no free sex this time."

 As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex. Bubba replied,

 

 

"No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged ---- my wife won twice last week." 

When my girlfriend told me that her fantasy was to be abducted, I thought she was joking. But she demands to be taken, seriously!

There is a Zoo of drunk white people doing something stupid!

 

It's called Florida the White House!

Did you know;

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (0.M.G.!!!) 
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death (Creepy I‘m still not over the pig) 
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while Its head is attached to its body The female initiates sex by ripping the male‘s head off (Honey, I'm home What the .!) 
The flea can jump 350 times Its body length It‘s like a human jumping the length of a football field  
be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light  
An ostrich‘s eye ls bigger than its brain (I know some people like that)
Starfish have no brains (I know some people like that, too) 
Polar bears are left-handed (Talk about a southpaw) 
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure - except me  
 

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
 Indubitably
 Innovative
 Preliminary
 Cinnamon

 

 THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
 Specificity
 British
 Constitution
 Passive-aggressive disorder
 Loquacious
 Transubstantiate

 

 

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.

To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him very gently up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

 St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
 

 

A New Zealander walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says, "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

 His wife is lying in bed and replies:

 "I think you'll find that's a sheep under your arm you are talking to, you drunken idiot."

 

 The man says, "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
 

A man travelling by plane was in urgent need of a rest room facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: 'WW', 'WA', 'PP' and 'ATR'.

 Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow" So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. "Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services." So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. "Man, this is great," he thought as he reach out for the ATR button.

 When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane. The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button.

 

By the way, what is left of your penis and scrotum is under your pillow." 

My backside ( right in there ) was itching like crazy and I asked my wife if she knew what it could be .
“ ring sting “ she said.
“ don’t be f&ckin crazy “ I replied “ how the hell will he know “ !

I’ve added black eye to my list of ailments now !!