Worst Joke Ever

[overherebc]

Latest from the White House.

Trump has been advised that 2 Brazilian tourist have been killed in a building collapse.

He ordered helicopters,national guard, plane loads of medical supplies, search teams and dogs and all available finances to be supplied ASAP then asked

How many is a Brazillion?

[laislica]

[superal]

Your membership of E Harmony

 

 

                

My Dear Friend,    

Your application to join our online dating agency has been REJECTED for the 5th time.   
  
One of the questions we asked on the application was: 'What do you like most in a woman?'

”My dick” is not an appropriate answer.  

Thank you for your interest, you need not apply again.

[CantSpell]

Hate my boss...

Was just trying to leave a little bit early today but he had to pop in and remind me I still had 7h left.. 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Awful day fishing 

 Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"

"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."

"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange trout."
 "Why's that?"

"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange trout.

 

That's what she'd like for supper tonight."
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Reasons Why Boats Are Better Than Women:

 Boats only need their fluids changed every year.
 Boats curves never sag.
 Boats last longer.
 Boats don't get pregnant.
 You can ride a Boat any time of the month.
 Boats don't have parents.
 Boats don't whine unless something is really wrong.
 You can share your Boat with your friends.
 If your Boat makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
 You only need to get a new belt for your Boat when the old one is really worn.
 If your Boat smokes, you can do something about it.
 Boats don't care about how many other Boats you have ridden.
 When riding, you and your Boat both arrive at the same time.
 Boats don't care about how many other Boats you have.
 Boats don't mind if you look at other Boats, or if you buy Boating magazines.
 If your Boat is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.
 You can have a beer while riding your Boat.
 You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Boat.
 You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Boat.
 You don't have to convince your Boat that you're a Boater and that you think that all Boats are equals.
 If you say bad things to your Boat, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.
 You can ride a Boat as long as you want and it won't get sore.
 Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Boat after you dump it.
 Boats always feel like going for a ride.
 Boats don't insult you if you are a bad boater.
 Boats don't care if you are late.
 You don't have to take a shower before riding your Boat.
 It's always ok to use tie downs on your Boats.
 If your Boat doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
 You can't get diseases from a Boat you don't know very well.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

GOLF 

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home.

As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked,

"Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" the cop asked.

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" the golfer asked. "Well," said the policeman very seriously,

"Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded,

 

"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
 

Edited September 27, 2018 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

[CantSpell]

[CantSpell]

[Andrew Dwyer]

My gf just told me to get off Thaivisa [emoji23][emoji23],or she will wipe Thaivisa off my phone with my face !! [emoji23][emoji23] who the hell does she think she is [emoji23][emoji23] doesn’t she know that ivdh’gfhjjfrxvh8hfd&vjluykf3fbjlohjkg(kligf&bjlphrewdggjl......................

 

[superal]

[riceyummm]

[scottiejohn]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[scottiejohn]

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office]. Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $200 due for a consultation re theft.
 

[scottiejohn]

3 minutes ago, riceyummm said:

Shocking way to go in a flash!

Edited September 28, 2018 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
 "Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds.

 

"Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."
 

[scottiejohn]

[riceyummm]

[scottiejohn]

11 minutes ago, riceyummm said:

Would it be described as a straight comeuppance?

[jvs]

A husband and wife were at a county fair,they went to see the farm animals.

Look,said the wife,this bull has serviced 50 times last year.

Sure ,said the husband.

The next bull had serviced 100 times last year,the woman was really impressed.

The last bull did it 300 times last year,the wife said.Oh gosh that is almost everyday!!!

The husband said ,sure but ask him how many times he did the same cow!!!

[riceyummm]

[scottiejohn]

24 minutes ago, riceyummm said:

That's alright but at what degree did they enter the pussy programme(r)?

[CantSpell]