I said to my girlfriend on Saturday: ‘How would you like to go shopping with the girls, get some new shoes, get your hair done in a different style and then go out for a couple of bottles of Chardonnay?’ She said: ‘That sounds brilliant.’ I said: ‘Good - because we’re breaking up.’

 

Jimmy Carr

German joke about Albert Einstein by Otto Neugebauer:

"As he was a late talker, his parents were worried. At last, at the supper table one night, he broke his silence to say, “The soup is too hot.” Greatly relieved, his parents asked why he had never said a word before. Albert replied, “Because up to now everything was in order.” "

Another German joke (but don't mention the war) ...

 

A British pilot gets shot down over Germany during WWII.

He's immediately captured and taken to a German WWII PoW camp where they send him to the hospital due to lacerations all over his body.

The lead General at the base comes over to his bedside along with his Doctor where they explain:

"Ve have grave news to tell you. Ve zink you hav gangreen in you left arm. Ve have to amputate. Vat would you like us to do once ve amputate your arm."

The pilot thinks to himself for a bit and says:

"Well... I guess if you can drop it over my base in Britain that would bring me closer to home."

"Ja wohl, zis we can do! "

... the next week the same thing happens.

"Ve have grave to tell you. You haz gangreen in your right arm. Vat would you like to do vis zis arm?"

"Well... Same thing, I guess if you can drop it over my base in Britain that would bring me closer to home."

"Ja wohl, zis we can do! "

... now unfortunately the same thing happens to his right leg. Then his left..

So right before they're about take his last leg they come in and say:

"Ve haz grave news to tell you sir. Your lazt leg needs to be amputated. Vat would you like us to do vis zis leg."

The brit says the same thing:

"Can you drop it over my base in Germany."

The General yells: **NINE. ZIS VE CAN DO - NO MORE! **

The Brit, completely confused says:

"What? Why not."

The German leans in and says in a sly tone:

"We zink you are trying to escape... "

FROM THE TWO RONNIES OPENING SEQUENCE

Ronnie Corbett: Good evening.
Ronnie Barker: And in a packed show tonight we'll be talking to a pathetic out-of-work contortionist who claims that he can't make both ends meet.
RC: And to a masochist who likes nothing better than a cold bath in the morning — so he has a warm bath in the evening.
RB: And then a lady who's a world authority on carpets, an expert on rugs and not at all bad on lino.
RC: Then we'll talk to a stereo expert about his favourite breakfast — two bowls of Rice Krispies 10ft apart.
RB: And a Sultan with 365 wives will explain why he's looking forward to leap year.
RC: Then we'll interview the Romford girl who took the Pill washed down with pond water and was today diagnosed as being three months stagnant.
RB: After that we'll be meeting a tax inspector who'll show us how to fill in a form, followed by a foreman who'll show us how to fill in a tax inspector.
RC: And a famous millionaire will reveal how it feels to have piles of gold — wealthy but uncomfortable.
RB: Then we'll feature the famous colour-blind poet, Mr Reginald Smithers. Here's an excerpt from one of his poems:
RC: Roses are red
Violets are brown, the sky is bright yellow, and so are blue tits!
In the Divorce Court today...
RC: A husband claimed his wife's mother kept shouting at him that he was driving too fast along the M1 — and to make matters worse she swore at him while he was untying her from the roof rack.
RB: And an executive from a toothpaste manufacturing company was divorced by his wife on the grounds of cruelty. She claimed he kept squeezing her at the wrong end.
RC: Then Madame Fifi Dubonnet, the former Picasso model, claimed that last Sunday her husband severely assaulted her and gave her three black eyes.
Later, we'll discuss the burning questions...
RC: What should you tip the porter in an all-male nudist camp — and will a fiver cover it?
RC: Education — can cross-eyed teachers control their pupils?
RB: Then we'll consider loneliness, with a special report from the Archbishop of Golders Green.
RC: And, for ladies we'll be talking about rum babas — and what to wear if you've got them.
RC: Which will lead us to discuss three famous oriental sex books, the Kama Sutra, The Less Calm Sutra and The Absolutely Frantic Sutra.  
Now here are the announcements... 
RB: We've just been handed an urgent warning about Trimmets Treacle Puddings, which have caused several people to be sent to hospital with badly scalded feet. It seems people have misunderstood the instructions which read: 'Before opening tin, stand in boiling water for 20 minutes.'
In Politics . . .
RB: The Chancellor has announced new plans for shortening the dole queues. He's asking the men to stand closer together.
RC: However, in a White Paper today the Government revealed plans to help the small shopkeeper — a lower counter.
RB: And the Prime Minister announced today a new plan to ensure we don't become poor when we reach 60 — he's going to make sure we're all poor when we reach 30.
This just in ...
RC: In the English Channel, a ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying purple paint. It is believed that both crews have been marooned.
We interrupt this bulletin …
And in Sport News …
RB: In the transatlantic single-handed yacht race Mr Owen Smithers has been disqualified for using both hands.
RC: Tonight's tug of war between England and France may have to be cancelled if nobody can find a 26-mile rope.
RB: And now a sketch featuring Mr Ronnie Corbett who, this year, made a lot of money on the greyhounds — as a jockey. 

 

Here is a link to even more;

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-6301527/Four-candles-Two-Ronnies-scripts-funniest-performed-TV.html

Yo mamma’s so fat her memory foam mattress forgot.
Yo mamma’s so ugly when she walked into a haunted house, she walked out with a job application.
Yo mamma’s so fat, we took a picture of her last Christmas and it’s still printing.
Yo mamma’s so fat and heavy when she wore high heels, she struck oil.
Yo mama’s so dumb she stood on a chair to raise her IQ.
Yo mama’s so fat, she left the house in high heels and came back in flip flops.
Yo mama’s so dumb, she tried to make an appointment with Dr. Pepper!
Yo mama’s so dumb she bought tickets to Xbox Live.
 

A Yorkshireman's wife sadly passes away. He decides to have the words 'She Were Thine' engraved on her headstone.
He calls the mason, explains what he wants, then goes to see the stone a few days later. He takes one look and to his horror, finds the mason has engraved 'She Were Thin'.
He yells: "The blummin' 'e' is missing! Where's the 'e'? Tha's left the blummin' 'e' out lad!"
The mason apologises profusely, and assures the widower it'll be right on the day.
The day of the funeral comes. The mourners leave the church and head out to the graveyard.
There, in the glow of thr winer son, is the pristine headstone. Upon it inscribed:
"Eeh, She Were Thin."

 

 

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

 

I bet you, I could stop gambling.

 

Blonde: “What does IDK stand for?”

Brunette: “I don’t know.”

Blonde: ”Oh my God (OMG), nobody does!”

 

Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, “Its dark in here isn’t it?”

The other replied, “I don’t know, I can’t see.”

Knock, Knock
 Who’s there?
 Juno.
 Juno who?
 Juno that I’m out here, right?
 

Knock, Knock
 Who’s there?
 Adore.
 Adore who?
 Adore stands between us, open up!

 

You’re not completely useless. You can always serve as a bad example.

 

My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.

 

I rang up my Phone Company, I said, “I want to report a nuisance caller.”

He said “Not you again.”

I like wearing 2 watches so I can have a lot of time on my hands, but the wife keeps ticking me off every minute.

Practice safe text. Use commas and never miss a period.
 

It was getting close to Xmas and Santa was thinking about the toys and the children and the slay.

 

He went around the reindeer pen to select his 3 slay pullers. He was taken aback. There had been terrible eye sickness among the herd. Most were blind!!

 

He selected one to replace Rudolf (who had died) its eyes had to be very good. Luckily he found one to be the new leader. He was struggling but found a reindeer with so-so eyes. And that was it! All the others had lost their eyes to the sickness. Santa just grabbed one at random. You will be at the back; he thought. The one with perfect vision to the front and so-so would be in the middle.

 

Santa then named his trusty reindeer?

 

Front; Good Idear

Middle; Bad Idea

Back; No idea.

 

OMG!  It's not even Halloween yet.  Bad enough in a supermarket but on a forum!

Poor "owl sees all"  You are about to be haunted by your premature Xmas Cheer as the dead Rudolph said with his nose up Santa's *rse!

????