Had to say that a couple of times before it clicked... but then I laughed out loud [emoji23]

6 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Had to say that a couple of times before it clicked... but then I laughed out loud

Maybe you were pissed as a newt at the time!

Why did the cat family move next door to the mouse family?
So they could have the neighbors for dinner.

 What do you get when you put your kitten in the refrigerator?
 The coolest cat in town.

 What’s a cat’s favorite color?
 Purrrrrple.

 

 What dairy product do you get from an Alaskan cow?
 Ice cream.

 What’s fast, furry, and goes “foow, foow”?
 A dog chasing a car that’s in reverse.

 Where can you leave your dog while you shop?
 In the barking lot.

 What do cats drink on hot summer afternoons?
 Miced tea.

A frustrated old spinster had read in a woman's magazine that the bigger the man's feet, the bigger his todger.

This piece of information was still in her mind when two days later a tramp came to the door with the biggest feet she had ever seen.

Quick as a flash, she invited him in and proceeded to wine and dine him before taking him up to bed.

The next day as he was leaving she shouted at him crossly,

 

"Next time, wear shoes that fit and stop stuffing them with your dirty underwear." 

For some years the lawyer had been taking his holidays at the exclusive hide-away country hotel and carrying on an affair with the owner's daughter.

However, on returning one year he discovered his mistress had given birth to twin boys. 
"Why on earth didn't you tell me?" said the astonished lawyer. 
"You know I would have married you and provided for the birth." 

She replied, "That may be so. But when I told my parents I was pregnant, we talked over all the options.

 

We all agreed it was better to have a couple of bastards in the family than a lawyer. 

Teacher: “Who can give me a sentence with the word contagious in it?”

 

Johnny was the only pupil with his hand up (surprise!)

 

Teacher (with a deep sigh):  “OK Johnny, go ahead.”

 

Johnny: “My dad told me he could fix my bike in no time, but it took the contagious.”

 

Tex Ritter, the famous singing cowboy, was returning to his ranch on his steed, from the town where he had sung the night before.

 

A troupe of tired soldiers was coming the other way. They stopped when they met and the Captain spoke to Tex.

 

"You're Tex Ritter the singing cowboy aren't you?"

 

"That I am Captain." Tex said proudly.

 

"Well Tex,,, I've some really bad news for you. We have just come from your ranch; or what's left of it. Your wife was raped by the injuns, and then scalped. All your cattle have been stolen. Your children, well,,, just too gruesome to tell,,, and your house burnt down."

 

Now Tex was a tough man. But on hearing this terrible news a tear come to his eye.

 

"And Old Faithful, my dog; any news?"
   
"The injuns cooked him and ate him right up Tex,,, sorry."

 

Tex bowed his head and big tears began to flow.

 

The Captain spoke.

 

"Tex,,,, the men are weary and hungry, and we have to leave now, to get to the fort before sundown. But before we go; any chance of a song?" 

9 hours ago, fasteddie said:

Sad but he finally got the point he wasn't wanted!

On 11/22/2018 at 5:20 PM, scottiejohn said:

A frustrated old spinster had read in a woman's magazine that the bigger the man's feet, the bigger his todger.

This piece of information was still in her mind when two days later a tramp came to the door with the biggest feet she had ever seen.

Quick as a flash, she invited him in and proceeded to wine and dine him before taking him up to bed.

The next day as he was leaving she shouted at him crossly,

 

"Next time, wear shoes that fit and stop stuffing them with your dirty underwear." 

A variation.

 

There was a rumour going 'round at the day centre that the size of a man's feet were a great guide to the size of his todger.

 

One day, a frustrated old spinster was on her way home, when she came across a tramp. He had the biggest feet she had ever seen. She invited him into her house and proceeded to wine and dine him before taking him up to bed for the ultimate shag.

 

She was a tad disappointed with the actual size of his dick, and later, when he put his shoes on she saw they were at least 5 sizes too large.

 

"Tell me Tramp, why do you have shoes soooo big?"

 

The tramp replied; "It's the only way I can get a shag now-a-days. And often I get wined and dined too."

 

"Well, I never." Said the spinster.  "I guess you have heard that rumour about the size of man's feet then."

 

"Of course!" Said the tramp. "Who do you think started it?"

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold, blustery January day.

 

The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold."

 

The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up."

 

So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

 

The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold."

 

The daughter said, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up." He did, and his hands warmed up.

 

The next day, the boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is freezing cold."

 

The daughter said, "Put it between my legs. It will warm up." He did, and his nose warmed up.

 

The next day, the boyfriend is driving again with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

 

Later, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"

 

The slightly concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?"

 

The daughter says, "Well, they make one heck of a mess when they thaw out.

 

A Man walks down a country lane and comes across this huge hole in the middle of the road.

He decides to see how deep it is and throws a small stone in, waits for the noise when it hits the bottom.... nothing

He looks around, finds another, larger stone and chucks that in...... Still no sound comes from the hole.

The man looks for something bigger and sees an old millstone next to the gate of a nearby field. Using all of his strength, manages to roll the millstone over to the hole and drops it in.

He Listens out for the sound when suddenly there is a noise from behind him.

He jumps out of the way just in time to see a charging goat run from out of the field and fly straight down the hole! Quite shocked, the man sits down and tries to catch his breath, after all, he'd nearly been knocked down this hole by a goat!

A few minutes later, a farmer comes down the lane in his tractor, and stops to look at the hole.

"You should have seen what just happened!" says the man
I was just standing here, looking into the hole, when this huge white goat came charging at me! I managed to jump out of the way, but it fell in the Hole!"

"That’s very strange" says the farmer, that sounds like my Goat, Billy. But it couldn't have been him, He's in that field over there, tied up to an old millstone ....

On 11/21/2018 at 3:03 AM, scottiejohn said:

 

 What goes trot-dash-trot-dash-dash?
 Horse code.

  

 What kind of horse makes you wake up scared?

 A nightmare.

 

 Why did the chimp sell his banana store?
 He was tired of all the monkey business.

 Why wouldn’t the pet store take back the chimp?
 They didn’t offer a monkey-back guarantee.

 What dog loves to have its fur washed?
 A shampoodle.

 

 What do you call a mouse who hangs out with a bunch of pythons?
 Lunch.

 What do you get when you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
 A bird that talks in Morse code.  

  
 What do you get when you put a kitten in a Xerox machine?
A copycat.

 
 What do cats call mice?
Delicious.

dit dah dit dit - dah dah dah - dit dah dit dit

8 minutes ago, radiochaser said:

dit dah dit dit - dah dah dah - dit dah dit dit

I must be a god, most people really treat me like one anyway..

 

They ignore my existence until they need something from me.

5 hours ago, CantSpell said:

I must be a god, most people really treat me like one anyway..

 

They ignore my existence until they need something from me.

Amen my dear lord!

????

A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires over California. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze. 

When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport and where a plane would be waiting for him. 

He arrived at the airport turned right instead of left as advised and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. 

The photographer said, "Fly over to the smole/fire area and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures." 

"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs." 

The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered,

 

"You mean you're not the flight instructor?" 

 There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. 

Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?" To this, the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out. 

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East."