Worst Joke Ever

[scottiejohn]

16 hours ago, CantSpell said:

What a queer joke, I hope I don't get the point!

[laislica]

[fasteddie]

[chickenslegs]

 

Is it too early for a couple of Christmas jokes?

 

 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200. 

They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy. 

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. 

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. 

They told the Vet what was happening.  The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?" 

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?" 

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,

 

 

"My wife is from Illinois." 

 

Edited December 2, 2018 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

Quote

 

[scottiejohn]

 

 There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o’clock) a horse called Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1.

Rushing off to the bank, the man was astonished to find he had $5,555.55 in his bank account. He withdrew the whole amount, dashed back to the races and bet all of it on Pentagram to win.

 

Pentagram, obviously, came in fifth.  
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing cards with his dog.

He watched the game in amazement for a while.

“I can hardly believe my eyes!” he exclaimed. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.”

 Nah, he’s not so smart—he is useless at poker,” the friend replied.

 

 

“Every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail.”  

 

[scottiejohn]

[chickenslegs]

After being married for forty years, a wife asked her husband to
describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said: "You're an
alphabet wife... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

 She asks: "What the hell does that mean?"

 He said: "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot".

 

 She smiled happily and said: "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

 

 He said: "I'm Just Kidding!"

 

 The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

[chickenslegs]

The Ambidextrous Woman Golfer

 

A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game.  One transfers to another city and they're lost without him.

 

A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?"

 

No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says. "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."  He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

 

The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay". She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp, and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45 ."

 

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.

 

They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner.

 

They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

 

The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.  This week she plays right-handed, and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.

 

This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushes, and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."

 

"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."

 

The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"

 

She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

[scottiejohn]

 

Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."

 

The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"

 

She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

If he putt it in with her help does that still count as a hole in one even when they were both feeling under par for the inter-coursing  that morning.

 

I'll now go and bunker down in the clubhouse before I get wedge(d) in the fairaway corner!

 

 

 

Edited December 3, 2018 by scottiejohn
italics added

[chickenslegs]

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for $10?"

 

Soldier: "Sure, mate."

 

Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again! Do you have change for $10?"

 

Soldier: "No, SIR!"

[chickenslegs]

A sprightly 101 year old cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbour that the secret of living a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. 

 

She did this religiously and lived to the ripe old age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great grandchildren, five great great grandchildren ...

 

... and a 40 foot HOLE where the crematorium used to be.

[chickenslegs]

A man is married to a wealthy Thai widow. Suspecting that she is having an affair, he returns home late at night, a day early from a golfing trip. He wants to catch her in the act.

 

While en route home, he asks the cabbie to be a witness. For 1,000 Baht tip, in addition to the cab fare from Swampy airport. The cabbie agrees.

 

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabbie tiptoe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

 

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Benz I gave you for your birthday. He paid for our new Ratchaprasong house, the riverside condo, and the holiday homes in Hua Hin, Samui, and Chiang Mai. He paid for your golf club membership. And, he pays for all your 1st class flights to England and your Arsenal season ticket.

The husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabbie and says, 'What would you do?'

 

The cabbie replies, "I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold.....and give him back the Arsenal tickets!!"

[superal]

Just been reading about a thief in the UK who was caught stealing the Advent calendar from a local school.

 

He was sent to the magistrates court and sent down for 21 days .????

[CantSpell]

[CantSpell]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. 
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him,

“Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies,

 

 

“If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus so shut up."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A professional duck hunter is in the market for a new bird dog.

 

His search ends when he finds a dog that can actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, the hunter is sure none of his friends will ever believe him.

First, he decides to try to tell one of his friends, an eternal pessimist who refuses to be impressed by anything.

So the man invites his friend to hunt with him and his new dog. As they wait by the shore, a few ducks fly by. They shoot, and a duck falls. The dog responds and jumps into the water. But the dog does not sink. Instead, he walks across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continues all day long; each time a duck falls, the dog walks across the water to retrieve it.

 The pessimist watches carefully, sees everything, but does not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asks his friend,

“Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?”

 

“I sure did,” replies his friend. “He can’t swim.”  
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 A redneck lion had to appear at the courthouse to prove he had been a good ruler of the animal kingdom. He was nervous about his first day in court, but his friends told him he’d be all right if he just focused on the questions the judge asked and answered them as best he could.
 The lion dressed up in his very best suit, and got to court right on time. He smiled at the judge and was very polite. He was a little shocked when the judge asked him, “Are you a lion?”

 

 

 “No, madam,” stammered the lion. “I swear, I’m telling the truth!”  
 

[scottiejohn]

[CharlieH]

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