Whats the difference between a circus and a strip show?

One is a family show full of cunning stunts, the other is an adult show full of......................

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An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass.

He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head.

Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear.

The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket.

It went in one ear and out the udder.

A guy took a girl out on her first date.

When they pulled off into a secluded area around midnight, the girl said, "My mother told me to say no to everything."

"Well," he said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you?"

"Uhhh . . . no," the girl replied.

"Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?"

"N-n-no," the girl stammered.

"You know," Barry said, "We're going to have a lot of fun if you're on the level about this."

What’s a diaphragm?

A trampoline for dick heads.

Two man playing golf were held up by two women playing in front of them.

One man said: "I'll walk up to them and tell them to hurry up."

When he returned he said: "I have a problem, one of the women is my wife and the other one is my mistress."

The second man said: "I'll walk up to them and hurry them up."

He came back and said: “We both have the same problem.”

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead.

Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'

The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes.

After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.

Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."

Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said:

"First Question: Which tire was flat?"

Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office.

When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."

"I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

"I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

Now that they are retired, Mom and Dad are discussing all the aspects of their future.

"What will you do if I die before you do" Dad asked Mom.

After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?"

He replied, "Hell, probably the same thing."

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

Ask your Pharmacist

The woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you have Viagra?"

"Yes," he answered.

She asked, "Does it work?"

"Yes," he answered.

She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"

"I can; if I take two," he replied.

I can't believe how strong the winds were last night.

I nipped out to get my wife some milk

and got blown into the bloody pub.

First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's knickers.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season

Begins......

Two young soldiers were exchanging their experiences of the service in the Army.

"My sergeants are wonderful", said one soldier.

"I wish I could say the same about mine," said the other.

"You could, if you lie, as I do."

A five year old girl is driven to school daily by her grandfather.

When he had a bad cold his wife took the grandchild instead.

That night she told her parents that the ride to school with granny was very different!!

"What made it different?" asked her parents:

"Gran and I didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dick-head,

Asian prick or wanke_r anywhere on the way to school today!"

A Chinese guy goes to a Jew to buy black bras, size 38.

The Jew, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 each for them.

The Chinese guy buys 25.

He returns a few days later, and this time orders 50.

The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get, and charges him $60.00 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the Jews remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.

The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, "...please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?"

The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to you Jews for $200.00 each."

I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite. I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds,

then it would come crashing back down to earth.

I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife Carol is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me,

'You need a piece of tail.'

I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back,

'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite'

When I was young my intent was to go to medical school, but I didn't pass the entrance exam.

One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."

Those who spelled SPINE became Doctors...

The rest of us ended up working for the government.

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St.

Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the

cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to

proceed into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these

proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning

the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says,

"Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."

The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You

gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher

than a cabby." St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "Here we are

interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabby

drove his taxi, people prayed.

A carpet layer had just finished installing a carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. Later he discovers in the middle of the room a lumpunder the carpet.

''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the lump.

As he was cleaning up, the owner of the house came in. ''Here,'' she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway. You haven't seen our pet hamster have you? He's escaped from his cage.''

Fred was in his front garden mowing grass when his neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. He opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into his house.

A little later he came out of his house again, looking nervous, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house he went.

As Fred was getting ready to edge the lawn, out comes his neighbour once again, looking very agitated and heated up. He marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever.

Puzzled by his actions, Fred asked his neighbour "Is something wrong?"

To which the ferocious neighbour replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"

A man died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:

1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T"

2. How many seconds are in a year?

The man thought for a few minutes and answered...

1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.

2. There are 12 seconds in a year.

Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though it's not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?"

The man replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc..."

Saint Peter lets him in without another word.

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

I get this from my velociraptor.... and she can't even drive!

Jennifer was a pretty 18 year old girl. In the week before Christmas she sauntered up to the curtain counter, and was trying to decide which of the many types of tinsel she would buy. Finally, she made her choice and asked the spotty youth who was manning the fabric section. 'How much is this gold tinsel garland'.

The spotty youth pointed to the Christmas mistletoe above the counter and said, 'This week we have a special offer, just one kiss per metre'.

'Wow, that's great', said Jennifer, 'I'll take 12 metres'.

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the boy measured out the tinsel, wrapped up the garland, and gave it to Jennifer.

She then called to an old man who had been browsing through the Christmas trees and said, 'My Grandpa will settle the bill.'