Worst Joke Ever

[laislica]

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

The Journalist then asked, "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a <deleted> wall."

[laislica]

SENIORS & COMPUTERS

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

I had a problem yesterday, so I called George, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

George clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,

'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

George grinned ... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down:

ID10T

I used to like George!!

[laislica]

I'm so old that when I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

[laislica]

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

[wpcoe]

Some random ones gleaned from the internet:

What's the definition of a 'near miss'?
Justin Bieber.


My wife treats sex like it's some sort of joke.
I don't get it.


I hate feeling paralysed from the waist down.
Still, that's marriage for you.


I told my dad that I wanted to be the sort of person who gets all the sex they want.
That's good son." He chuckled. "You want to be just like your old man?"
"No." I said. "Just like mum."


My son was baptised Times New Roman.
I think the vicar used the wrong font.


It <deleted> annoys me when my girlfriend leaves her underwear all over the bedroom.
She knows my wife will find it.


My wife's a sly b*tch, who uses sex as a way of getting jobs done around the house.
My plumber told me.


My boss was giving a speech and said "As you all know, I'm a man of my word."
"You certainly are." I shouted, and then I whispered "If your word is <deleted>."


Pyongyang authorities have advised foreign officials to leave the capital following the positioning of missiles on the east coast.
The reason of course being that any missile fired from the east coast of North Korea has a 50/50 chance of hitting Pyongyang.


The movie Zero Dark Thirty was named after a Kardashian
How much talent do you have?: Zero
What kind of men do you like?: Dark
What's your I.Q.?: Thirty

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

The Domino Effect

[bobl]

There was once a great Irish actor who could no longer remember his lines. One day he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line, 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long, before the play, he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time came.

The curtain went up, the actor swept onto the stage and, with great passion, delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter, and the director was steaming: "You bloody fool!," he cried, "You've ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened??? Did I forget my line!??"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

[kevjohn]

A preacher was told by his doctor that he had only a few weeks left to live.

He went home feeling very sad, and when his wife heard the sad news she said to him,

"Honey, if there's anything I can do to make you happy, tell me."

The preacher answered, "You know, dear, there's that box in the kitchen cabinet with what

you always called "your little secret" in it and you said you never would want me to open it

as long as you lived. Now that I'm about to go home to be with the Lord, why don't you

show me what's in that secret box of yours?"

The preacher's wife got out the box and opened the lid.

It contained $10,000 and three eggs.

"What are those eggs doing in the box?" the preacher asked.

"Well, Honey," she replied, "every time your sermon was really bad I put an egg in the box.

Now the preacher had been preaching for over forty years, and seeing only three eggs in that old shoe box,

he started to feel very proud about himself and it warmed his soul.

"And what about that $10,000?"" he asked.

"Oh, you see," she whispered softly, "every time there were a dozen eggs in the box,

I . . . ummm . . . sold them . . . and put a dollar in the box."

[kevjohn]

A dumb gal stormed up to the front desk of the library and said,

"I have a complaint!"

"Yes, ma'am?"

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

"What was wrong with it?"

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"

The librarian nodded and said,

"Ah. So you must be the person who took our phone book."

[kevjohn]

I become confused when I hear the word "Service"
used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'

Postal 'Service'

Telephone 'Service'

Cable TV 'Service'

Civil 'Service'

Federal, state, city, & public 'Service'

This is NOT what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them

said he had hired a bull to ' Service' a few cows...

BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all

those agencies are doing to us.

[kevjohn]

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people

describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the

lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice
when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Edited May 4, 2013 by kevjohn

[Ace of Pop]

Whats the difference between an Egg and a F..k.?. ......................You can beat an Egg

[laislica]

"Go and have a look at the size of the shit I've just done in the bathroom!" I said to my wife.
"No!" she replied.
"Please, just one quick look," I said, "You won't believe it, it's a good two pounder."
Shaking her head in disbelief, she pinched her nose, ran in, looked down the toilet, then ran out and said, "There's nothing down there, you must've flushed it." I said, "It's on the scales."

[laislica]

I told my Gran that I've got a new job where I have live sex on stage.
She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said "I'll ask my boss but I can't promise anything!"

[laislica]

I thought all my wife had done was a very smelly fart,

then I noticed something horrible disgusting and lumpy in her pants...

...it was her arse.

[laislica]

Jimmy puts his hand up. "Miss," he says. "Would you do anal?"
"I beg your pardon?" says his teacher.
"I mean, would you take it up the arse miss?"
His teacher explodes. "You just stay behind and see me after school young man!"
"Good," beams Jimmy. "I was hoping you would."

[laislica]

I felt sorry for the hypnotist i saw last night. He hypnotised 7 men then dropped the microphone on his foot and yelled "FUK ME".......what happened next will haunt me forever!!

[laislica]

Cameron has today defended plans to have trainee nurses start off as health care assistants before they start nursing.

That's fine. As long as trainee politicians start off as sewer workers before they start talking shit.

[laislica]

A young lady went to the doctor for a physical.
Afterwards, the doctor said, "You're in perfect health, except for those abrasions on your knees."
The woman replied, "Oh, those are carpet burns from having sex doggie-style."
The doctor asked, "Don't you know any other positions?"
She answered, "Yeah, but my dog doesn't!"

[laislica]

Paddy called the RSPCA and said "i've found a fox and 4 Cubs in a suitcase". "

That's terrible" the inspector said. "Are they moving?".

"I'm not sure to be honest, but that would explain the suitcase"

[laislica]

My wife always moans about the jobs I start but never finish.

Like having sex with her.

[laislica]

Found a bag of marijuana at work last week, and like any responsible employee, I disposed of it. In a series of small fires

[laislica]

The Last Nickel

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

"No," the woman replied, "I'm with The Inland Revenue ."

[Robby nz]

Opened the frige this morning and there was a rabbit in there.

I said what are you doing in my frige?

It said Im westing.

I said westing, why do it in here,

It said, well its a Westinghouse isn't it.

[laislica]

Two Irishmen are looking through a mail-order catalogue. Paddy says, Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too.

Mick agrees, I'm ordering one right now.

Three weeks later, Paddy says to Mick, Has your woman turned up yet?

No,says Mick,but it shouldn't be long now.

Her clothes arrived yesterday

[laislica]

a cat was next to a river. A small sausage came past so the cat tried to get it but one of its paws got wet. Then a large sausage came past and the cat tried to get it but it failed and it got both its front paws wet. Then a giant sausage came past and the cat jumped to get the sausage and missed and got compleatly soaked!

The moral of the story is, the bigger the sausage,the wetter the pussy.