Who remembers some of the ols Spike Jones songs, I hope I get these words right.

What a mouth

what a mouth

what a north and south

blimey what a mouth he's got

the poor old sod was a near sighted fella and thought his mouth was a cellar

and he shoved

the lot

right into his mouth no joke

now the poor old soul's got belly full of coal

and he coughs up lumps of coke, oy.

I don' t know who Spike Jones is.

I remember similar lyrics from Tommy Steele

One day a little bit of heaven fell from out the sky.

And all the Irish people went to live there.

And they called it Liverpool.

One day a little bit of heaven fell from out the sky.

And all the Irish people went to live there.

And they called it Liverpool.

Actually, it was kicked out of Heaven

Crocodile Dundee was waiting at the Lights for a Go when 3 Utes stopped alongside him full of P.C Folks, Islamic Millitants ,and God Squad Folk. They jumped the Lights and a Road Train killed em all.... "Strewth Mate, that could have been Me.. !!!."............... Next Day he applied for a Truck Drivers Job..

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood

~ Mary Hirsch

One day a little bit of heaven fell from out the sky.

And all the Irish people went to live there.

And they called it Liverpool.

It was from Hell was it not?

PS It still is!

but i did bone her…!

Two Texans were having a drink at a bar, when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few seats away, turning blue from chocking. The first Texan drawled, "Think we oughta help?"

"Yep," said the second Texan.

The first Texan got up, hitched up his jeans and walked over to the lady. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?"

She shook her head no.

"Kin ya speak?" he asked.

She again shook her head no.

With that, he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt, dropped her panties and started licking her butt!

She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.

The first Texan turned back to his friend and said.....

"That thar Hind Lick Manoeuvre works ever' time!"

groan rating please?

Through the roof, like the brit who started a business in Afghanistan, land mines disguised as prayer mats. Last I heard Prophets were going through the ceiling!!!

Shakespeare walks into a bar. The barman shouts" Get out you're Bard"

I have loads of these and will post them unless you send me money

How much?

When you shop at the 20 baht store.

Meanwhile.....at the 'World's Strongest Man" competition in China...

A man walks into a bar ...och!

Sent from my GT-I9500 using Thaivisa Connect Thailand mobile app

Meanwhile.....at the 'World's Strongest Man" competition in China...

nice melons….

Being nervous, and embarrassed about my upcoming colonoscopy,

on a recommendation, I decided to have it done while visiting friends in Thailand .

There the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and accommodating.

As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure, it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.

"Well, I haven't got an erection," I replied.

And the gorgeous nurse said -

"No, but I have!"

Moral of the story: DON'T GET A COLONOSCOPY IN THAILAND !!!!

You know when you're getting old.

I was watching porn last week and found myself thinking:

"<deleted> me, that bed looks comfy!"

Patient; Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a bridge.

Doctor; OK, take it easy. What's come over you?

Patient; Well, two buses, five cars and a juggernaut.

Man walks down the road with a banana in one ear and custard in the other. A passer-by asks him why and the man says "You'll have to speak up, I'm a trifle deaf"