Deep sea divers with chicken pox: do they really come up to scratch?

A farmer drove to a neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your dad or mum at home, sonny?" said the farmer.

"No, they've gone into town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mum and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says: "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment, then says: "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges £500 for the bulls and £150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

Q: Why can't you hear a pterodactyl when it's in the bathroom?

A: Because the 'p' is silent.

Who's "P" is silent?

It's a DOUBLE ENTENDRE and so has a double meaning. 'Up to you', which one you take. You can even take both at once if you want; we are quite broad minded on this thread.

I would venture to agree we think of women a LOT here.

It's the silent 'P' as in 'swimming pool'

I'll take the stairs!

I saw this at Hong Kong Airport yesterday, potty training by demonstration rather than explanation.......I guess.

DSCN0736.JPG

Must have been a Russian contractor from Sochi!!

Wow....that's what I thought I saw in HK when I walked past the stall, when I took the picture I realized one was a child's toilet, okay I can rationalize that BUT!........there's NO explanation for your picture. Some weird shit in this world.

Little boys pet rabbit dies whilst son is at school,father thinks our lad will be distraught about this,so he goes to the pet shop and tries to get another rabbit,but the shopkeepers says,sorry pal we have not got any rabbits left,but here take this bottle of liquid and when you get home pour it over the rabbit,so the dad does exactly what the pet shop owner says,and lo and behold the rabbit comes back to life, he goes back to thank the pet shop owner ,and the owner says it's ok i had a few bottles or hare restorer left.

What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?

Eileen.

What do you call a Thai girl with one leg shorter than the other?

Eireen.

What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?

Eileen.

What do you call a Thai girl with one leg shorter than the other?

Eireen.

Oh, behave..... LOL

Thank you Mike

little finger against the lip---

I was talking to Siri.

"Surely it won't rain today."

"It will and don't call me Shirley."

I forgot I had my phone on Airplane! mode.

I was kicked out of the scouts, for eating brownies!

Why did Cinderella get kicked out of the toy box?

She kept sitting on Pinoccio's face screaming "Lie to me, Lie to me!!!"

My sister bet me I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti, should have seen her face when I drove pasta!

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.

What a pair of sexists.

I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse it!

Last night I saw a couple weaving all over the road, I told them to get a loom.

A Blonde gets a job as a p.e. teacher in school. First day she sees a boy standing on his own at the end of the field. she walks over and tells him it would be ok to go and run around with the other boys. "no miss, i will stay here" he says. She insists it would be ok, but the boy says the others would not be happy with him.. why ever not, asks the blonde....................because I am the F*****g Goalkeeper he replies.

An old man was asked by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as when the doctor gave it to him the previous day.

The doctor asked why there was no sample and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this; first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too; first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked; "You asked your neighbour?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but none of us could get the damn jar open."

Imagine having been persuaded by a radical cleric to blow yourself (and others) into eternity. You then wake up in Paradise and look around expectantly. If your 72 virgins turned out to be this lot pictured below, wouldn't you feel that you had just fallen for the "Worst Joke Ever"?

When I was young I decided to go to study medicine

At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered spine are doctors today, while the rest of us are sending jokes via email.

Subject: Frozen crabs and Blonde

A lawyer boarded an airplane in Baltimore with a box of frozen crabs and
asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer,
and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw
out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,

"Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in Baltimore
please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

There are two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

The 72 Virgins - Scenario 2

Imagine having been persuaded by a radical cleric to blow yourself (and others) into eternity. You then wake up in Paradise and look around expectantly. A chilled drink and a dish of raisins magically appear. That's all very nice, but you want your 72 virgins. Pronto. Like now.

A hand appears, and offers you a copy of the Guardian newspaper. (Don't worry, you're not in Hell; you really are in Paradise). Instinctively, you open the Guardian HERE and read the article with growing alarm - especially the last three large paragraphs.

Having realised that all you're getting as your 'reward' is a handful of dried grapes, wouldn't you just feel that you had fallen for the "Worst Joke Ever"?

Wanted: road sweeper.

No experience necessary. You just pick it up as you go along

A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down. He took it to the garage and the mechanic told him to come back in 2 hours.

As he was feeling very hot in the sun the penguin went into a local supermarket and decided to sit in the freezer for a while to cool down and kill some time. As he sat there he caught sight of a big tub of ice cream sat there.

He just couldn't help himself and quickly wolfed the whole lot down.

On his return to the garage the mechanic said "Well, it looks like you've blown a seal"

The penguin licks his beak and says "No, it's just vanilla ice cream!"

I started work in a cardboard box factory, but it folded last week. Then I got a job as a postman... well, it's better than walking the streets.

A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down. He took it to the garage and the mechanic told him to come back in 2 hours.

As he was feeling very hot in the sun the penguin went into a local supermarket and decided to sit in the freezer for a while to cool down and kill some time. As he sat there he caught sight of a big tub of ice cream sat there.

He just couldn't help himself and quickly wolfed the whole lot down.

On his return to the garage the mechanic said "Well, it looks like you've blown a seal"

The penguin licks his beak and says "No, it's just vanilla ice cream!"

Sorry M8, no like - far too good for this thread!

I bought a new SatNav it's really good,,,

Yesterday I drove past a Zoo and it said Bear Left .....

Now that's clever !

I got work this morning to find a lump of Plasticine on my desk.
I don't know what to make of it.

Are we there yet?

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
I only intended to rough him up a bit