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Your husband: Don't leave home without him!

Identity crisis is a girl's biggest fear

We review the latest latex knee pads!

A sophisticated way to keep a toilet clean perhaps?

I finally got round to meeting my neighbour.

He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain.

It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table

when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.

I thought to myself,

"She's going through the change."

Be careful what you say to women going through the change

They always Ovary act

I know that I should have variety and change in my diet, but the Catering Manager at this hospital seems to have gone too far:

'dis black fella is struttting down the street.

comes upon an old crusty metal bottle, and picks it up...

.. rubs it, and poof! out pops a Genie!

"I'll give you but three wishes" bursts the Genie.

so black fella starts thinking hard...

then "ahhh! I got to make the best of this, and get what I can with less wishes"

Ah so cool I am, so ... "I wanna be white, tight'n'out-a-sight"

"SO-Be-It"booms the Genie.

...turns him into a med.

'dis black fella is heading down the street.

finds another genie bottle.

"I grant you but three wishes booms the genie.

Black fella gets another headache thinking what to wish for...

... a while later He goes:

1. I wanna be a white fella

poof - "so be it"

2. "I wanna have a big mansion up on that hill over there"

POOF - so be it, and he's a white fella with a big mansion, over there...

"what be your last wish?" booms the genie again.

3. "I wanna be idle-rich"

"SOOO BE-IT", grants the Genie...

POOF - turns him back into a black fella

When was a child my mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex.

So I waited until he appropriate moment and burst in through the bedroom door saying: "Can I have a new bike?"

He was very upset.

His secretary was surprisingly nice about it.

I got the bike.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...

Two Muslims were talking about their kids, how is your Mohamad getting along asked one, oh he is martyred already at 14 years old, oh said the other they blow up so quickly these days don't they

one of Saddam's paratroopers is hurtling towards earth.

Pulls his ripcord...

... nothing happens.

starting to sweat, he reaches back and pulls the emergency ripcord...

...again, nothing happens.

The earth is getting pretty close by now, so he musters his strength, and aims so that he is pointing towards mecca.

Starts praying - verry verry much... for help from allah.

Suddenly, pOOf, the chute opens, and he is slowed rapidly.

Immediately, wiping that sweat from his brow, he goes "thank Christ for that!!"

Chute packs up again...

Where does a Jamaican composer live?

In D flat..

Paddy walks into the pub and joins Mick at the bar.

"What are you reading?" asks Paddy.

"Oh, it's next years calendar" says Mick.

"Anything interesting in it?" asks Paddy.

"Well" says Mick "Christmas Day is on a Friday"

"Oh, Christ" replies Paddy "I hope it's not on the bloody 13th"

Christmas day is approaching, and soon the land will be full of people opening their presents and uttering those now traditional words to the givers.

"Still got the receipt?"

Why is Christmas like a day at the office?

You do all the work, and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

Worst Christmas joke ever?

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
"I think it's raining", he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.
"No,I'm sure it was just rain" he said.
Well,as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about
whether it was raining or snowing.
Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph
whether it's officially raining or snowing.
As the official approached, the man said "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is
it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course", he replied,and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!", to which the man
quietly replied...............

"Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear."

prickWithAfork.jpg

Remember these?

I met a fantastic girl last night in Nana. She was gorgeous and weighed about 350 pounds.

We went back to her place, and after about 5 minutes of "doing the deed", I asked her if she wouldn't mind turning the light out.

"Why", she said, "Do you find my body repulsive?"

"Not at all", I replied, "It's just that the bulbs burning my bum".

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas Day is on a Friday this year."
Mick says, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

An Asian guy walks into the New York City currency exchange with 2000 yen and walks out with $72. Next week he walks in with 2000 yen and gets $66. He asks the lady why he gets less money this week than last week. The lady says "Fluctuations". The Asian guy storms out, and just before slamming the
door, turns around and says: "Fluc you Amelicans too!"