How Well Did You Know Your Thai Partneer After 1, 2 Or 10 Years?

[wolfmanjack]

I think I knew more about her then than now. Every day a new supprise

Yep my wife is a completely different person than she was 10 years ago. Different personality, different looks and changing every day.

[Unfaithful]

I have known each/both of my gay Thai boyfriends about six years.Number 1 - not much known about his past, but he's over 40. Number 2 - barboy past.They live for the present and immediate future.I met the families but don't know them.Different language and culture from mine.I expect it gets a little closer eventually.Maybe.

[mahtin]

I have known each/both of my gay Thai boyfriends about six years.Number 1 - not much known about his past, but he's over 40. Number 2 - barboy past.They live for the present and immediate future.I met the families but don't know them.Different language and culture from mine.I expect it gets a little closer eventually.Maybe.

Maybe if you change your nick?

[spysee]

I know my wife very well, I met her in Australia 6 years before we got married. Picked her up at uni and 8 years later its been great. Never liked asian girls much before (I must of had rocks in my head), but soon as I saw my wife for the first time. I was like daaaaaaaaaaaaaaam!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[villagefarang]

I lived with my husband for 18 months before we married & in that time got to know the core of his personality. The values & what I considered things worth staying with him for. The subsequent 7 years have given me an opportunity to know him better & better. So after 8 1/2 years I can pretty much predict what he will say, do, react to in any situation but he occasionally throws a curve ball to keep me on my toes. IMO I think living with someone or at least spending a lot of time together for 18 months-2 years before committing to marriage will give you a very good idea of the person.

Just to expand on this a little, I think there is an optimal 2 year period (give or take 6 months) where you have learned as much as you can without taking the next step. Move too fast and you won't know enough about your partner. Move too slow and you may just lose your chance. That has happened to various friends of mine.

We married a couple months short of 2 years into our relationship. I was then 45 and a previously diehard bachelor. After 10 years of marriage, I can honestly say I know my wife quite well. I might add that I have helped her to better understand herself, over the years.

IMO I think at least one of you must have a clue about life and relationships to make it work. If both parties are clueless and eagerly acknowledge no understanding of their partner, then it is no wonder couples have so many problems and most end in divorce.

It seems obvious to me that one should be more cautious in a cross-cultural relationship, but many people instead throw caution to the wind. Leaping head first into what is often very shallow water.

[ianh68]

Anglo-Thai relationships turn the clock back to times when the women stayed up at home and looked after the house and kids, never knew what you earned and stayed together for life.

It's not like that anymore at least not in the UK

I ended up having 3 bad marriages there.....not to say I blame my ex-wives for everything, I divorced 2 and 1 divorced me.

My Thai wife takes care of me and my needs and I support her and her son financially.

It's a good deal as far as I am concerned.

I'm from the UK with many parallels to this poster, including the 3 bad marriages. I've lived with my Thai girlfriend for nearly two years and, although I am now naturally cautious, I am planning to get married in October.

The only potential fly is money, which is why I'm posting this to get the views of the poster and any others.

ThaiPauly, you say you support your wife and son financially and I'd like to know how. I'm in the same boat with my girlfriend and her daughter. My g/f works and I am retired. I give her half my pension which doubles her income. I pay for all furniture and home improvements.

I buy us meals out twice a week and pay for all the food I cook in the house which we eat together. Yesterday we went supermarket shopping and she picked up several items of a personal nature coming to 260 Baht. She is now sulking because I expected her to pay for them.

Am I being petty here? ThaiPauly, how do you arrange your financial support?

[MJP]

I posted this

"To elaborate: in my opinion, most people - even lovers - are strangers in the first year. Foreign country, cultural background, language, etc - much more so. The OP does not say the 'newcomer' was long-married, in country many years, etc. I know farang here who married and divorced Thai women, and they never knew the woman's full name, village reputation, work history, etc. Your mileage differs."'

in another thread http://www.thaivisa.com/forum/Knew-Didn-t-...07#entry2817307, as a side comment. It deserves its own thread topic.

Before I married somebody of the same age, socio-cultural level, ethnic background and native language, we dated for a year. We worshiped together, I met her extended family; we had countless long conversations. I had dated one of her friends for a year. After a year of marriage, we knew all about each other. I find that Thai-farang relationships are not the same. Do you agree?

People change.

It's an issue.

[Soutpeel]

Am I being petty here?

Yes....

[MiG16]

what I dont get is, what difference does it make whether shes thai or english, or american or chinese, or or or

(yes I know cultural difference adds to the usual)

but......

in any relationship you will always take time to get to know each other

some take longer, some not so long

[villagefarang]

People change.

It's an issue.

I'm in the camp that thinks people don't change. They just go back to who they really are, after a period of pretending to be someone else. The core identity doesn't change but we hide it better when we want something.

When I hear the line, "He/she has changed", I'm am naturally suspicious. The stranger one confronts after some time, was actually there all along. They just got tired of putting their best foot forward and their true nature finally came out.

That is one reason it is important to ask yourself, how well do you know your partner, as well as how well do you know yourself.

[MJP]

People change.

It's an issue.

I'm in the camp that thinks people don't change. They just go back to who they really are, after a period of pretending to be someone else. The core identity doesn't change but we hide it better when we want something.

When I hear the line, "He/she has changed", I'm am naturally suspicious. The stranger one confronts after some time, was actually there all along. They just got tired of putting their best foot forward and their true nature finally came out.

That is one reason it is important to ask yourself, how well do you know your partner, as well as how well do you know yourself.

Good post!

You're right.

I'm of the solid opinion that 90% of the population of the World operate on three basic emotions.

Fear

Sex

Greed

[IanForbes]

There is a lot of truth to the old saying....

A man marries a women expecting her to never change; BUT THE WIFE ALWAYS CHANGES.

A woman marries a man expecting to change him into something better: And the husband always stays the same.

[meelousee]

The only time you realy know someone is in a blood curdling fire fight in the middle of the night.

Come home at 2am drunk and you will know what I mean.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

Edited June 22, 2009 by meelousee

[villagefarang]

There is another saying that when a woman becomes a mother she ceases to be a wife. I firmly believe that much of our happiness, as a married couple, is due to the fact that we have no children. That gives us more time for each other.

[villagefarang]

People change.

It's an issue.

I'm in the camp that thinks people don't change. They just go back to who they really are, after a period of pretending to be someone else. The core identity doesn't change but we hide it better when we want something.

When I hear the line, "He/she has changed", I'm am naturally suspicious. The stranger one confronts after some time, was actually there all along. They just got tired of putting their best foot forward and their true nature finally came out.

That is one reason it is important to ask yourself, how well do you know your partner, as well as how well do you know yourself.

Good post!

You're right.

I'm of the solid opinion that 90% of the population of the World operate on three basic emotions.

Fear

Sex

Greed

There is a fair amount of Anger out there too. Not sure Sex is an emotion but I get your point.

Edited June 22, 2009 by villagefarang

[MJP]

People change.

It's an issue.

I'm in the camp that thinks people don't change. They just go back to who they really are, after a period of pretending to be someone else. The core identity doesn't change but we hide it better when we want something.

When I hear the line, "He/she has changed", I'm am naturally suspicious. The stranger one confronts after some time, was actually there all along. They just got tired of putting their best foot forward and their true nature finally came out.

That is one reason it is important to ask yourself, how well do you know your partner, as well as how well do you know yourself.

Good post!

You're right.

I'm of the solid opinion that 90% of the population of the World operate on three basic emotions.

Fear

Sex

Greed

There is a fair amount of Anger out there too. Not sure Sex is an emotion but I get your point.

Anger is by-product.

Me, I have no fear, I give all my money away and I can't get laid in a brothel.

I have two loves. Daughter and garden, that's it.

[ianh68]

Am I being petty here?

Yes....

I was looking for feedback and in the light of this when the g/f came back from work I ate some humble pie and apologised. Wouldn't you know it was nothing to do with the money, which she had offered to pay anyway. It was all to do with the fact that I had unthinkingly separated the two piles of shopping so as to get two receipts and make the adding up easier. To a Thai this is tantamount to saying you consider the other party a stranger, not family. It just goes to show...

She wouldn't take the money back so we're off to spend it on a slap up meal. All's well that ends well (again!)

[473geo]

There is another saying that when a woman becomes a mother she ceases to be a wife. I firmly believe that much of our happiness, as a married couple, is due to the fact that we have no children. That gives us more time for each other.

Ok doing things together, yes obviously important.......but doing things together with the children....which can be great fun......and without them which can be great fun.....you are still spending quality time with each other......

I would have thought if your wife was spending 7 hours a day working that could have a more detremental effect on your togetherness than children......

[sassienie]

I think it all stems from the ability of the Thai to quite simply finish a chapter and start a new one.......

If life is good now.....I am good for you....you are good for me....why rake around in the past?

If we are totally honest most have little secrets better left undisturbed.......things perhaps we did that we are not too proud of......

So the Thai close that chapter and live for today..........only when they have absolute trust would I expect them to disclose things experienced in life before you.......it is risk management........perhaps they are very unsure how the farang will react.

If you are happy why dig around.....you might just turn up something that spoils it all......then we are all unhappy.....

This is very true.

I meet my Thai wife in England back in 1986 and we have now been married for 22 years (gulp).

My wife was the secretary to her Uncle the Thai ambassador for England and lived in the Thai embassy Kensington London.

Prior to meeting me she had lived all over the world with her uncle and she speaks, reads & writes perfect English that was a necessity for the job.

Yet, since before and after we were married my wife has hardly mentioned to me about her experiences prior to our marriage. This is not because she has things to hide or secrets, It`s just her way and even today my wife never informs me about anything unless she believes it`s something I should know that may affect me.

There has never been or never will be any deep meaningful conversations with my wife.

This is frustrating sometimes, especially if I have a concern or problem and very often left to deal with alone or when my wife has a problem it can take several days or weeks to get her to tell me what’s bothering her.

So is this something unique with my Thai wife or is this standard behaviour among most Thai girlfriends/wife’s?

Edited June 22, 2009 by sassienie

[Raesum]

My Thai husband of 20 years is my soul mate and my best friend.When its just the 2 of us together we speak English exclusively. I believe I know him as well as I know myself and vice versa.Living here in Thailand alongside his family doesn't affect our time together.So,yes I know him well, I know his family well and participate in all gatherings, blessings,ceremonies,parties,outings etc with the family .

[teacup]

I don't think the years matter much........may be it just increases for the better odd of knowing someone well.

However me think....it's all about the "strength", not the "length" mostly.

Edited June 23, 2009 by teacup

[BigSnake]

Never ever underestimate the power and thoughts of a woman, same things applies is partner is a man or likewise if it's a lady/lady partnership. This what makes the relationship so wonderful, no one wants the same old thing day in and day out, are partner think for him or herself makes the relationship Spicy when they surprise you one in awhile, i.e., a Rose just say I love you, a special dinner, same reason

[rinpoche]

If you can speak fluent Thai, or your spouse can speak fluent English, then a relationship here should be much the same as anywhere.

A friend of mine who fled from turbulent China to Thailand more than 50 years ago and runs a big business hiring hundreds of Thais tells me that he still has trouble figuring out why Thais act in such a sneaky manner even when there is nothing to hide.

[Jungian]

To spite the fact my wife is Thai we have the same socio-cultural level I suppose, we have the same education level in different areas, obviously not the same ethnic background but I'm so mixed I have no idea what I even am and my wife reads, writes and speaks fluent English as she was educated abroad. We are of the same belief structure (Buddhist but not Thai Buddhist). I knew and was exclusive with my wife for four years before we decided to get married. I visited Thailand to see my wife and she came to the USA to see me. After being married for 7 years working and saving money in the USA we decided to have children and moved to Thailand. At first Thailand did not appeal to me and I suppose in many ways it still doesn't but I feel much safer raising my children here. So, I would say I know my wife and she knows me as well as we have even known anyone, a Western man as a husband was never her idea and a Thai wife never crossed my mind as a wife but the truth is she is the only woman I ever met that had the same morals, values and goals as I do and we feel quite compatible.

[ianh68]

Ok doing things together, yes obviously important.......but doing things together with the children....which can be great fun......and without them which can be great fun.....you are still spending quality time with each other......

I would have thought if your wife was spending 7 hours a day working that could have a more detremental effect on your togetherness than children......

I'm sorry but I think that attitude towards a woman working is antediluvian

A friend of mine who fled from turbulent China to Thailand more than 50 years ago and runs a big business hiring hundreds of Thais tells me that he still has trouble figuring out why Thais act in such a sneaky manner even when there is nothing to hide.

Possibly due to lack of self-confidence/fear, endemic rather than caused by your friend.

[wolfmanjack]

People change.

It's an issue.

I'm in the camp that thinks people don't change. They just go back to who they really are, after a period of pretending to be someone else. The core identity doesn't change but we hide it better when we want something.

When I hear the line, "He/she has changed", I'm am naturally suspicious. The stranger one confronts after some time, was actually there all along. They just got tired of putting their best foot forward and their true nature finally came out.

That is one reason it is important to ask yourself, how well do you know your partner, as well as how well do you know yourself.

People change as they gain experience and grow up. I am not the same type of person i was when i was a teenager or at University. i was pretty wild back in those days and am pretty boring now. As I grew up i saw my grandfather turn from a hard core drinker and fighter to a crotchity old stay at home fart that did nothing but sit around and complain all the time. No illness to cause it either.

[villagefarang]

People change.

It's an issue.

I'm in the camp that thinks people don't change. They just go back to who they really are, after a period of pretending to be someone else. The core identity doesn't change but we hide it better when we want something.

When I hear the line, "He/she has changed", I'm am naturally suspicious. The stranger one confronts after some time, was actually there all along. They just got tired of putting their best foot forward and their true nature finally came out.

That is one reason it is important to ask yourself, how well do you know your partner, as well as how well do you know yourself.

People change as they gain experience and grow up. I am not the same type of person i was when i was a teenager or at University. i was pretty wild back in those days and am pretty boring now. As I grew up i saw my grandfather turn from a hard core drinker and fighter to a crotchity old stay at home fart that did nothing but sit around and complain all the time. No illness to cause it either.

I certainly don't do the same things or act the same way, as I did in my youth. Viewing only the external manifestations, one would surely claim that I have changed.

Personally, I see myself more as a piece of wood that has been carved and polished over the years but still maintains the same grain and composition, under a fancier well varnish veneer. The same core elements drive me, though they may manifest in different ways.

I guess for me, the question is not what a person does, but rather what drives them to do it.

[473geo]

Ok doing things together, yes obviously important.......but doing things together with the children....which can be great fun......and without them which can be great fun.....you are still spending quality time with each other......

I would have thought if your wife was spending 7 hours a day working that could have a more detremental effect on your togetherness than children......

I'm sorry but I think that attitude towards a woman working is antediluvian

A friend of mine who fled from turbulent China to Thailand more than 50 years ago and runs a big business hiring hundreds of Thais tells me that he still has trouble figuring out why Thais act in such a sneaky manner even when there is nothing to hide.

Possibly due to lack of self-confidence/fear, endemic rather than caused by your friend.

Possibly if you take the comment out of the thread...thus out of the context of 'togetherness'.....time spent together..... an undeniable fact that if you are apart for 7 hours while the wife is working......you are spending less time together!!!

Now if some person wishes to extract my statement and place it in their own thread regarding women working and historical thought prior to Noah......then I would say they are truly trawling the depths.....even before the flood....to contribute to this thread.

Can you believe there are people on Thai visa who do that.......

Edited June 24, 2009 by 473geo

[sbk]

I am not the same type of person i was when i was a teenager or at University. i was pretty wild back in those days and am pretty boring now.

How disappointing. I never imagined you as boring. Must be the avatar.

[jongkolkhoo]

Different in culture, different in food, etc. welcome to amazing thailand. Certain small matter to me is an important matter to my Thai wife. Certain very important issues to me (esp. safety) is nothing to care about.

Dated for 4 years, married this wonderful thai girl. After marriage, I get the cultural shock, food shock, safety shock and so many other shocks..

I strongly believe that it is very tough to understand your Thai partner as they may change 180 degree as they grow old.

I got to know my wife when she was 21 , beautiful, funny , eazy go lucky college girl. Now, it's so different. Maybe it's the age gap..

It takes a long time to know your thai partner well and hopefully you can last that long ..