3 Children , 20 Years In Thailand And 16 Years Together

[dumball]

Thanks MJP for your pleasant response to my somewhat cynical question , wish I could be that cool all the time , goes for most posters on here I imagine , life goes on regardless .

[MJP]

Thanks MJP for your pleasant response to my somewhat cynical question , wish I could be that cool all the time , goes for most posters on here I imagine , life goes on regardless .

Oh believe me, it hasn't been easy and you guys on TV bore the brunt with some really pathetic rantings from me, for which I both apologize and sincerely thank you.

OP will be fine if he keeps his head together.

[needforspeed]

Long distance relationships never work.. your situation really sucsk but you should find someone whre you work and establish yourself there. Even a good person wont waste their short life waiting for someone half the year.

I consider myself a good person and at 42 i would feel really disgusting wasting my short sexual and emotional life being alone 6months a year.

Yes nice talking but i work offshore, and have only 6 months a year home, workt well till now.

[needforspeed]

I would not get too carried away with instant thoughts of revenge and payback. You have invested a lot of time and love in the relationship and no doubt so has your girlfriend. One wonders how long you are away from Thailand each time and how much time you get to spend with your family. It would appear difficult for a Thai woman with three children (presumably under 16) to start a fresh relationship with another farang while you are not here. Certainly make the appropriate preparations to split with her, protecting as many of your assests as possible and then arrange for the children to be looked after and speak with her calmly and rationally about your accidental discovery of this "other man".

Whilst many would condemn her out of hand, she is only human and depending on the length of time you are away maybe she got lonely and met another guy, one thing led to another and now she corresponds with him.

You do not give any detail as to the contents of the letters or any indication of how recent they are or the amount of them so it is difficult to pass judgement based on the available information.

I would just caution that you do not allow your emotions to take control, do not confront her when under the influence of booze, do not confront her in front of your children and most importantly do not burn your bridges.

I understand that an element of trust has been lost and it will be difficult to rebuild that trust, but at least try and find out what her feelings are towards you. It would seem that when you are here she treats you like a good and loving husband and it seems you love her a lot, so try and work it out and if you are unable to work it out, try and manage any breakup without emotion and with dignity! If you want a continuing relationship with your children it is important to manage things carefully.

I am so sorry o hear about your situation and wish you every success in your endeavours to get to the bottom of the story and negotiate a happy ending. Good luck mate and enjoy a few beers but do not get smashed, none of us make smart decisions when drunk!!

I know i met her when i was drunk,

The content off the translations has no secrets, they met each other a few times when i was gone

andn talking about that they need each other for live, cant tell any names here as i dont do, but he is from Italy.

Good to see you have not lost your sense of humour! I notice in the OP that you speak Thai, do you also read it? sometimes the meaning may get lost in the translation (particularly if not done professionally) and if you read the Thai you may find a different meaning?

Hang in there mate !

Sorry for the late reply,

when drunk saturday, still didnt tell her anything, yes can read as well, but very slow as its very hard if you dont know a few words.

Thanks

[thaiozy]

Well , I have certain feelings about this sort of mess having had one after 25 years with my first wife , I told her then the same as I told my current Asian wife , always think of the double F beore you stray , I was/am in marriage to be loyal and expected/expect the same from you , there will be NO deviation from this .

He who F@#@S you , Feeds you and that means right now when and if I become aware of any form of adultery , door works one way please close it behind you .

Good one, ther`s no grey areas, no forgive & forget (never the same), it`s a bit like saying "no problem any time", but we are talking about peoples lifes & maybe this man needs to get this letter double checked because at the moment it`s all words & no evidence. NOT that i`m saying it hasn`t happened, just have to be 100 percent due to the kids

[needforspeed]

It depends on how you handle the situation.

If you listen to other posters and waltz in one night when all her family has come to visit, with three hookers and lipstick down your neck and start giving out copies of her illicit letters, she's probably going to try and stop you seeing the children to punish you.

If you can work on an amicable split, with the interests of the children at heart, saving everyone's face, it'll be easier. Not to say that won't be phenomenally difficult. You probably have quite a lot invested in the country, but hopefully your entire fortune hasn't been channelled into the house and land and can be retrieved and protected.

16 years and no marriage meaning she has no face in her community or family.

Both parents past away when she was 16 year old.

You ever think about that?

You are working outside of Thailand and cannot give her what she needs?

I am curious how you can afford 5 star dinners and name brand presents, yet you claim that you cannot give her what she needs? This sounds a little far fetched.

I just think that she wants more.

If she cannot speak English who is doing all the translating for her and why not contront that person first?

Dont know who did the translation.

One thing I can tell you?

16 years is a long time to throw awayAgree

And show me one perfect couple that made it 16 years never having any issues?

Offcourse we have issues but alway solved them, this is about trust and she is with another man when i am working, that is not just a issue but a big problem.

There are none

If you are too manly to forgive and forget (get the flamegun ready, because all these guys in here telling you to dump her are the same ones fuc_king around all the time on their wives and think it is ok for them, but not for the woman), better think about what the kids mean to youKinds mean everything for me i understand that is the reason i didnt tell her anything to make my plan first.

They may mean more happiness than anything in the whole world and if that is the case, you better be thinking if they want to go with you or stay with her

Find a special place (restaurant, etc. ), gather the evidence and bring in out in the open. If the kids are old enough bring them along

Either you will find some family healing or not.

Running off is the cowards way and revenge is for idiots

You have 16 years invested, need to talk it over and make the best decision

Communication is the key here, obviously she has needs that are not being met and you need to identify what those are and try to solve it

Losing the kids to me would be the worst Agree dont want that

[needforspeed]

I'm sorry to hear of your situation and hope things work for the best. A couple things spring immediately to mind. 1) HE may be a member of this forum and maybe you shouldn't give any details that might allow him to identify you or himself. 2) You should probably make copies of those letters you found. 3) In what little time you have before you return to work maybe you could make arrangements for someone to document her infidelity in your absence. Again, sorry for your circumstances.

Good advice above.

Sorry for your situation OP - you definitely should be trying not to communicate with her today if you've had a few - it can only get ugly and you will probably regret it.

16 years is a helluva long time as other posters have said. Talk through the situation with her in a calm & reasonable fashion once you have got your thoughts & affairs together and you may be surprised by both what she tells you and the final outcome.

I wish you well.

GGG

Thanks, will do that after coming back next month as i cant organize it on a short period.

And i dont know her reaction if i tell her,

Thanks a lot

[needforspeed]

I agree with Boo, the first thing to do is to stop drinking so as to keep your head clear.

Next ask yourself if you yourself have been faithful all these years? It might put a bit of perspective on things if you consider your own faults as well as hers.

If you need to break this relationship then take your time, do it when you are sober and take a long hard look at where you stand on child custody/access, property and marital wealth.

Oh and get a copy of those letters. Your wife's family will rally around her when this breaks - you need all the evidence you can get your hands on because nobody else is going to be helping you out.Made copy already

Things I'd do right now is get access to your wife's emails, because there is bound to be more information in there - letters are a minute fraction of correspondence.

AND AGAIN - STOP DRINKING NOWSorry did stop at 23:00 on Saturday, but didnt do anything stupid, thanks

[needforspeed]

It isn't counted as kidnapping when one parent takes his children and leaves the other parent (in Thailand). It's not illegal. Just thought you might like to know.

They are not legaly married so it would be kidnapping seems to me a very high risk thing to do, better sort things out and work out something with the GF.

Who knows the letters are not even hers ?

[needforspeed]

They are not legaly married so it would be kidnapping seems to me a very high risk thing to do, better sort things out and work out something with the GF.

Who knows the letters are not even her?

Never think about kidnapping as she takes care my children very well and they love her, letters are from her as i know her Thai hand writing

[needforspeed]

Op is totally wrecked.

How can he divorce her when he is away on biz half the time? Who takes care of the kids? So he divorces her. She keeps the house and the Italian guy moves in. Then she finds a way/reason to extract more money from him. He loses his Visa to Thailand. He gets angry that the kids are calling the Italian guy Papa and gets nasty. Cops get called and he is in the slammer.

What are his options? How can he forgive her and spend half his time away wondering what she is up to?

House is on her name but our condo in bangkok is on my name, i dont have /need any visa as i am only around 26 days in Thailand each time, but yes i am worries as you told me about that i am gone for 4 weeks each time, going to be difficult 4 weeks this time.

Thanks

[geriatrickid]

They are not legaly married so it would be kidnapping seems to me a very high risk thing to do, better sort things out and work out something with the GF.

Who knows the letters are not even her?

Never think about kidnapping as she takes care my children very well and they love her, letters are from her as i know her Thai hand writing

You just answered he big question. If your kids are #1 in your heart, you will swallow your pride, bite your lip and stay quiet until you talk this through with a lawyer. If you make any accusations or if you put her on the defensive, there is a strong likelihood you will lose your kids. Unless the mother is downright evil, children usually side with the mother. As was told to you in several of the answers, get your affairs in order, discuss with a lawyer and beable to explain to the children what you will do so that they do not hate you.

[needforspeed]

This story is so vague, lacking in details etc. that I surprised that so many people have waded in with some pretty strong responses and ideas. Now the OP has disappeared for a couple of days. Does this not seem a little strange?

The letters are in Thai to an Italian man? An Italian man can read Thai?

Vague how?

I am not disappered, when saturday drinking and yesterday with the children swimming and this morning to the hospital wiht my son,

i am not sending a stupid BU*&(T post as that isnt how i am.

read first well before you make coments, letters are in english/ thai.

Thai writting and English translation underneed, 3even as english letters from him.

Anyway thanks for you comment

[needforspeed]

She's a poor village girl and she repays you by screwing another man - the fact it's another foreigner means she's after more money - I know what I'd do - get the kids out of there, burn the house down, get a good lawyer and NEVER even speak to her again.

The children love her, she isnt poor as well.

[needforspeed]

Well , I have certain feelings about this sort of mess having had one after 25 years with my first wife , I told her then the same as I told my current Asian wife , always think of the double F beore you stray , I was/am in marriage to be loyal and expected/expect the same from you , there will be NO deviation from this .

He who F@#@S you , Feeds you and that means right now when and if I become aware of any form of adultery , door works one way please close it behind you .

Good one, ther`s no grey areas, no forgive & forget (never the same), it`s a bit like saying "no problem any time", but we are talking about peoples lifes & maybe this man needs to get this letter double checked because at the moment it`s all words & no evidence. NOT that i`m saying it hasn`t happened, just have to be 100 percent due to the kids

Agree will check the letters, told my girlfriend that i am sick (so no sex anymore) will follow some advice and also do a medical test before i go to work.

[needforspeed]

They are not legaly married so it would be kidnapping seems to me a very high risk thing to do, better sort things out and work out something with the GF.

Who knows the letters are not even her?

Never think about kidnapping as she takes care my children very well and they love her, letters are from her as i know her Thai hand writing

You just answered he big question. If your kids are #1 in your heart, you will swallow your pride, bite your lip and stay quiet until you talk this through with a lawyer. If you make any accusations or if you put her on the defensive, there is a strong likelihood you will lose your kids. Unless the mother is downright evil, children usually side with the mother. As was told to you in several of the answers, get your affairs in order, discuss with a lawyer and beable to explain to the children what you will do so that they do not hate you.

Thanks that is what i am planning to do but it is very difficult to keep my mouth shut.

[longstebe]

It's certainly a tough one when you have kids.

Get your personal things together. Like one of the guys said, prepare for the worst.

For sure I would pay to see a lawyer. Even if you end up being with her it won't hurt.

Don't hit the booze mate. Write down on paper what you need to ask the lawyer.

Do the kids know anything about the dude? How does she get to see him?

I wish you all the best.

[needforspeed]

Thanks for your response:

Few thinks letters are from a 6 months period, seems to me that they see each other for about 3 times when i am gone, he knows about our children and she told him that i am her husband(why i dont know).

Yes do a medical as well.

Thanks

[needforspeed]

OK didn't read all the replies (I admit), but waded through a few.

A few things...

Who translated the letters Dont know at this time(was it done right - second opinion)? Trust me on this, I have had tyhings translated officially and still cvomes out with a completely different meaning.Read Thai little bit and it is correct Get a few close friends (or maybe a few wives here will translate scans for you). You may be chasing a shadow that doesn't exist.

Its good you didn't confront her, this will not go the way it would (should?) in the west, she will lose face guity or not and just get angry withg you and nothing will be achieved or learned IMO.

First check you facts, don't let suspision and emotion dictate your actions.

As to you expensive pictures etc, that's an easy one. When she's out have them all put in storage. When she comes back tell her they've been sent for appraisal for insurance and it will take a few weeks.Do that tomorrow, any advice for secure storage will be welcome.

If the kids are in their 20's, maybe you could ask them about what's happeneing. This could be dangerous too of course, only you know them well enough to judge it.Kind are between 13 and the youngest is 5

One thing no one is mentioning here - if this affair (if indeed there is one) has been going on for a while, then she has stayed with you. When you return she is there for you, yes. She hasn't sold all your stuff and emptied you accounts, ramprd up the credit cards or taken loans out agianst the house (all this I presume of course - as you do not mention such), so many of the stories and comparisons being made here do not fly IMO. Have you thought that she really does love you, but misses you and uses this other guy as a replacement you until the real thing comes home?

Letters are emotion on paper, they do not an affair make. Has this "affair" been physical?

Can you take a sabatical from work and spoend a bit longer in LoS with theYes couldt take unpaid leave but very difficult family to re-cement things. You can be very clever this way, without confronting her, you can relay a story about a friend in Germany (or wherever) who has been married to a woman for 16 years has kids etc etc etc, putting the woman in a slightly bad light and ending the story with how much SHE lost. Sounds silly perhaps, but I can tell you I know it has worked before in your sort of situation (I ncan't go into it, but it is much closer to your story than many related here).

How would you feel about making an honest woman of her. Planning a wedding can do wonders for a womans morale too. It is surely the best way to say "I love you". At this moment Not.

There is always a warning that maybe you should protect yourself too. This is sensible whatever the outcome.

Good luck my friend

Thanks

[gregb]

It isn't counted as kidnapping when one parent takes his children and leaves the other parent (in Thailand). It's not illegal. Just thought you might like to know.

They are not legaly married so it would be kidnapping seems to me a very high risk thing to do, better sort things out and work out something with the GF.

I did not think marriage had anything to do with it. Not married, the children are still as much his kids as they are hers. Surely, they were registered as his children when born. How does not being married make them more the females children?

It's not a risky thing to do if you get your facts straight. If things are not illegal, then you can do them.

I would not want a cheating woman raising my children.

Actually, if the OP has not legalized the children then he does not have parental rights. The mother can run off with them and he has no recourse other than to go to court and try and get a judge to legalize the children for him. That might not be easy without the mother's support.

The legalization process can be done at the ampur as long as the children are over about 5 or 6. Both the children and the mother need to legally recognize him as the father. If one or more of the children are too young and do not have the capacity to give their consent, then the OP will need to file a motion in a Thai court to be recognized as the father.

If the OP is unaware whether he has legalized his parental rights (i.e. he has not done a special procedure at the ampur nor previously petitioned a Thai court), he can check very easily. If his name is listed twice on the birth certificate, once as the father and once as the presenter, then he is the legal father even without being married. If his name is listed only once, then he does not have any parental rights.

The OP should get this resolved before he even thinks about doing anything else. Do not let on about anything until this process is complete. He can also legalize his children by marrying the cheating @!#$&.

If the children aren't legalized, the mother can kidnap them and the OP is SOL.

Edited January 10, 2010 by gregb

[CarlBkk]

OP, can you briefly let us know the reason why you've been together 16 years without marriage? I'm just thinking that this might have been the cause of many problems and made her incredibly insecure. Insecure enough to find a "back-up" who may sign the document and give her legal proof that she/kids will always be provided for. I am just speculating, but marriage might be a major factor.

[Brunus]

OP, can you briefly let us know the reason why you've been together 16 years without marriage? I'm just thinking that this might have been the cause of many problems and made her incredibly insecure. Insecure enough to find a "back-up" who may sign the document and give her legal proof that she/kids will always be provided for. I am just speculating, but marriage might be a major factor.

Insecure after 16 years? After 3 kids together? Hard to believe. Unless the Op showed her that he doesn't care about her and their kids, but it seems pretty obvious to me that this is not the case. As I said before no excuses are acceptable. After such a long relationship she should have told him if she had problems. Not just find a back up.

[torrenova]

Do you know how she met this guy ? If innocent, then there could be little or nothing to it. I don't know if I missed a post where it was confirmed she was cheating on you. If she had been seeking out males on a website for instance then you have a much bigger problem. Don't read too much into it before you know the whole truth.

Have you got a western or non Thai friend who your children could stay with for a couple of days ? You could tell your partner that you want a couple of days for just the two of you. Gives you time to talk things through without the kids around. Before that I'd get copies of her mobile phone records. Install a hidden key logger and see what that brings up and basically bite your tongue. Perhaps have some security set up in your property when you are away which includes the ability for you to turn on webcams or view security cameras over the net.

Basically, get as much evidence as you can. If she has anything to hide, then she will probably lie. To counter those lies, you will need some evidence.

It is a shitty thing if she is cheating but it doesn't have to be the end of the world. Your anger will fade and if you are apart, but still love her, then it will eat you up.

[tuktukstuey]

i think its a wind up posting.!!!

[needforspeed]

OP, can you briefly let us know the reason why you've been together 16 years without marriage? I'm just thinking that this might have been the cause of many problems and made her incredibly insecure. Insecure enough to find a "back-up" who may sign the document and give her legal proof that she/kids will always be provided for. I am just speculating, but marriage might be a major factor.

No reason at all, we just never tought about getting married.

[needforspeed]

Do you know how she met this guy No i dont ? If innocent, then there could be little or nothing to it. I don't know if I missed a post where it was confirmed she was cheating on you. If she had been seeking out males on a website for instance then you have a much bigger problem. Don't read too much into it before you know the whole truth.

Have you got a western or non Thai friend who your children could stay with for a couple of days ? You could tell your partner that you want a couple of days for just the two of you. Gives you time to talk things through without the kids around. Before that I'd get copies of her mobile phone records. Install a hidden key logger and see what that brings up and basically bite your tongue. Perhaps have some security set up in your property when you are away which includes the ability for you to turn on webcams or view security cameras over the net.

Basically, get as much evidence as you can. If she has anything to hide, then she will probably lie. To counter those lies, you will need some evidence.

It is a shitty thing if she is cheating but it doesn't have to be the end of the world. Your anger will fade and if you are apart, but still love her, then it will eat you up.

[Spaniel]

OP You requsted info on a safe storage place in Bangkok. Check out this web site: www.bangkokselfstorage.com

Good luck.

[CarlBkk]

I'm amazed. All but the most independant and Western-viewed Thai females expect marriage before children are born (and the loss of face as a result), country girl or city Chinese-Thai equally. As we all know, 30 is the "old maid" age where most girls expect to marry by and most relatives expect them to marry by. After this age and maybe with a couple of long-term failed relationships I'm sure most would still absolutely jump at the chance of marriage over a long-term bf/gf relationship into their 40s.

[WarpSpeed]

Yeah if I'm understanding this correctly you 2 met when she was 16? And a serious relationship then ensued? She has no other relationship experience what-so-ever? That in and of itself can get her curiosity up as well her insecurity for her future and your kids future...Not excusing her but seems you may have been taking just a little bit for granted.....

[Brunus]

Yeah if I'm understanding this correctly you 2 met when she was 16? And a serious relationship then ensued? She has no other relationship experience what-so-ever? That in and of itself can get her curiosity up as well her insecurity for her future and your kids future...Not excusing her but seems you may have been taking just a little bit for granted.....

Incorrect. They met when they were both 26. Read carefully the 1st post.