New Take On Thai/farang Marriage?

[blazes]

The mother of my (Issan) girlfriend is opposed to her marrying a farang (me). Why? My gf is a schoolteacher, and has a decent monthly salary, is unmarried, and has rejected several offers of marriage from Thai guys because (she says) she did not love them. (We met on ThaiLovelinks)

Her mother's "thinking" is as follows: only poor, uneducated Issan girls marry farangs. You are not poor and you are well-educated. Therefore, people in the village will think you are poor.

Has anyone come across this lunatic thinking before in the context of farang/Thai relationships?

[the nearest I can compare it to in UK "culture" (of the old days) is the example of a working class guy voting Tory because he doesn't want to identify with all those proles who vote Labour.]

Should we just elope? Or maybe an injection of the right amount of "sin sot" would change mama's mind about the low class image brought on by marrying a farang

Can anyone suggest a good negotiating strategy when I eventually meet Mama and tell her I want to "takecare' her daughter?

[downtown]

your potential mother in law is a cretin. the world's full of them. and yes, plenty of sinsort and gold will probably change her mind.

[jazzbo]

Without responding to your situation specifically, there is definitely an attitude that the only reason a Thai female marries a Farang, especially an older farang, is that she is not capable of finding a nice well-educated well-to-do Thai man of a similar age bracket. This is not just the thinking of a Thai woman's parents, but can also be the thinking of her female peer group.

I would not think such an attitude 'lunatic'... maybe you should just take things a little slower and let the Mother get to know you better -- sin sot, gold, or otherwise -- before you tell her to buzz-off.

[bellagrego]

I think Mom is dead on in her assessment of her daughter marrying a falang and the view of her peers and her daughters peers. Face is everything here. Big face most of all. If you are honest with yourself, you will concur with mama's position. Unless your girlfriend is a butt ugly pompui, quai, why else marry you or me , or any over the hill, westerner.

Gee, maybe the cash, you think. By the way, just so you know. I would put the gals on Thai Love Links at a 50-50 chance of being prostitutes as I personally have prepared their profiles and photographs for your consumption. Pro bono, I might add. They, at least the Esaan women, are great gals and loyal as well. Forget the cash payments to mom, do a few months with that gal before making the plunge. When YOU are ready, hang a baht of gold on her and take her and her family to a nice dinner. Best of Luck. I am in my fifth year with a good Esaan woman.

[MeMock]

I fully understand MIL's attitude.

No different to back 'home' where people assume that you are marrying 'beneath you' by marrying an asian person.

Meet the MIL and charm the pants (not really) off her and she will soon come around.

Perhaps her only experience of foreigners are the old and fat type who marry young Thai girls. Errrrrr, what is your age difference and how much do you weigh?

[rfukata]

at times rural village up-bringings does tend to isolate the modern ways as such for the Mama, also cultural changes may be a significant challenge for their family (excluding your girlfriend).

- why don't you find a 'best man' type representative to seek a solution, perhaps talk to the village chief and get him on your side?

good luck

[puchooay]

your potential mother in law is a cretin. the world's full of them. and yes, plenty of sinsort and gold will probably change her mind.

Not the best idea in the world. By doing this you are treating the family just as the are afraid of being seen to be treated.

" Oh look. They let their daughter marry a farang for the money".

Memock's idea is much better. Go there. Wai them as a Thai man would. Show them you are a good genuine bloke. Try to show them that you can live a a Thai way. Be polite. Ask them face to face to marry their daughter. Don't mention money. As mother of the bride she will at some point.

I met a lady in her own home town,Buriram, where she was working in a photocopying shop.I was working as a teacher next door. I went to see her father and asked him face to face, in his language, for his daughter's hand in marraige. I was polite and promised that I would take care of her. He too was a bit off about the whole farang idea.

I obviously impressed. We have now been together for 10 years.

So I say take it easy, impress, be charming and polite. Good luck.

[Naam]

I fully understand MIL's attitude.

No different to back 'home' where people assume that you are marrying 'beneath you' by marrying an asian person.

Meet the MIL and charm the pants (not really) off her and she will soon come around.

Perhaps her only experience of foreigners are the old and fat type who marry young Thai girls. Errrrrr, what is your age difference and how much do you weigh?

why not?

[MeMock]

Because that's what they expect if they have no previous experience with foreigners!

puchooay has summed it up perfectly. We are in the same boat as my FIL (MIL died years ago) was also very hesitant about his daughter marrying a whitey. I met him, talked with him (with an interpreter - was before I learnt the lingo) and eventually he came around.

[puchooay]

Because that's what they expect if they have no previous experience with foreigners!

puchooay has summed it up perfectly. We are in the same boat as my FIL (MIL died years ago) was also very hesitant about his daughter marrying a whitey. I met him, talked with him (with an interpreter - was before I learnt the lingo) and eventually he came around.

Thank you Memock.

When some people eventually realise the importance of the MIL and/or FIL to there offspring in Thai society and use a bit of common sense then they should get on famously.

[MeMock]

"use a bit of common sense"

that bit seems to be what is missing in most cases.

[villagefarang]

If you are planning a life with an Isaan girl, you had best develop a thick skin about the standing stereotype regarding Isaan girls and the farangs who marry them. The MIL has a point and nothing you do in the short term will keep people from having that view.

[Chalky]

Congratulations.

I completely concur with MeMock, puchooay and rfukata - she will be your MIL regardless of her nationality, treat her with respect and (try to) prove her wrong.

Whether you do that with your betrothed or a Thai male/female as your interpreter, how you (try to) win over your MIL is your preference.

Can I add, perhaps one day you will be a future FIL - what will you be thinking about suitors?!

Edited February 12, 2010 by Chalky

[mizzi39]

Without responding to your situation specifically, there is definitely an attitude that the only reason a Thai female marries a Farang, especially an older farang, is that she is not capable of finding a nice well-educated well-to-do Thai man of a similar age bracket. This is not just the thinking of a Thai woman's parents, but can also be the thinking of her female peer group.

I would not think such an attitude 'lunatic'... maybe you should just take things a little slower and let the Mother get to know you better -- sin sot, gold, or otherwise -- before you tell her to buzz-off.

Since the woman has the upper hand in Thai society when it comes to employment those "well educated well to do Thai men are far and few" The ones that are available and well to do tend to marry within their own class.

Thank lord Buddha that my in laws accepted me for who I am and their only concern was their daughters happiness. They new I had very little money from the start, and since they already met my mother (who has been here twice) they would not dare try to inconvenience my family in order to make their lives more convenient.

I do not think it would have gone over well if my wife and I were from 2 separate generations though.

Racism could be another factor here. Some families simply do not want their daughter to marry a falang period.

Edited February 12, 2010 by mizzi39

[eurasianthai]

If you are planning a life with an Isaan girl, you had best develop a thick skin about the standing stereotype regarding Isaan girls and the farangs who marry them.

The stereotype about Isaan girls, or men, has nothing to do with farangs actually.

They're supposed to be poor and hence have not value, respect, in Thai society.

Money is what give people value and respect in Thailand.

As it was in most western countries not that long ago.

And still is now in some actually...

[jazzbo]

those "well educated well to do Thai men are far and few" The ones that are available and well to do tend to marry within their own class.

That may be true out in the boondocks but in Khon Kaen, for example, which is a University town with young people from all over Thailand training to be professionals, etc., I would stand by my above post: It is seen by many young Thais as a 'black mark' on a young Thai woman who takes on a Farang because it is perceived that she is not capable of finding herself an upper-crust young Thai man; fairly or unfairly.

[jazzbo]

... and the OP should get over the notion that his potential MIL is possessed of 'lunatic thinking' for not acting as if her daughter had just won the lottery.

[KhaoNiaw]

The stereotype about Isaan girls, or men, has nothing to do with farangs actually.

They're supposed to be poor and hence have not value, respect, in Thai society.

Money is what give people value and respect in Thailand.

As it was in most western countries not that long ago.

And still is now in some actually...

Even within the villages there are hierarchies. The wealthier locals with greater social standing and the best rice fields don't want their offspring marrying into the poorest landless ranks.

[klikster]

I would put the gals on Thai Love Links at a 50-50 chance of being prostitutes as I personally have prepared their profiles and photographs for your consumption.

I'm curious as to why you chose to tar a great number of women, most of whom you obviously don't know, as prostitutes.

But if you are preparing false documentation for known prostitutes .. doesn't that make you a .. er .. pimp?

[SussexExpat]

Don't brand all MIL's as the same. Mine's OK. Just wants her daughter to be happy.

I remember shortly after getting married we made a visit to see my wife's parents, who run the local restaurant in the village. An old couple stopped in for lunch and started talking to the MIL. They assumed that as their daughter had a falang husband we must have met in Pattaya and my wife had been a bar girl. I don't know what my MIL said to this old guy, but she gave him a right old tongue bashing. Never seen someone do so many "wais" in 30 seconds, quite amusing.

[plachon]

There's another factor at play here which no one has mentioned. The potential MIL may just be concerned about the prospect of her daughter taking off to farangland and hardly ever seeing her and future grandkids. This could be weighing on her mind in the resistance to a farang union.

My own MIL was against my wife marrying me, as she had only one daughter and had always asssumed she'd be around nearby, if not living in their village. The thought of losing her only daughter to an alien from a faraway land was quite a shock to the old dear. But she eventually came round to the idea of us marrying and eventually gave her blessing, helped I think by relations' advice that farangs are not all bad and some can be even quite amiable and sociable creatures, with a little Isaan house training and large amounts of somtam.

[blazes]

But she eventually came round to the idea of us marrying and eventually gave her blessing, helped I think by relations' advice that farangs are not all bad and some can be even quite amiable and sociable creatures, with a little Isaan house training and large amounts of somtam.

Would you care to specify roughly how much the amounts were?

[Gonsalviz]

Don't brand all MIL's as the same. Mine's OK. Just wants her daughter to be happy.

I remember shortly after getting married we made a visit to see my wife's parents, who run the local restaurant in the village. An old couple stopped in for lunch and started talking to the MIL. They assumed that as their daughter had a falang husband we must have met in Pattaya and my wife had been a bar girl. I don't know what my MIL said to this old guy, but she gave him a right old tongue bashing. Never seen someone do so many "wais" in 30 seconds, quite amusing.

My inlaws took it quite well. The FIL was a little hesitant but came around in a short time. There were some rumors started by her ex's sister but it was soon noted by everyone in the village that the rumors were a feeble attempt at saving face.

I am the second farang in the village. Everyone knows me and are very friendly and helpful even.

No money has been asked for or given except for a few items I have purchased or installed for my own comfort as well as theirs. (Electric blankets for the cool season and a hot water shower).

I met my wife on Thai Love Links while she was working at a 5 star resort making much better than average wages.

[MJP]

I think Mom is dead on in her assessment of her daughter marrying a falang and the view of her peers and her daughters peers. Face is everything here. Big face most of all. If you are honest with yourself, you will concur with mama's position. Unless your girlfriend is a butt ugly pompui, quai, why else marry you or me , or any over the hill, westerner.

Gee, maybe the cash, you think. By the way, just so you know. I would put the gals on Thai Love Links at a 50-50 chance of being prostitutes as I personally have prepared their profiles and photographs for your consumption. Pro bono, I might add. They, at least the Esaan women, are great gals and loyal as well. Forget the cash payments to mom, do a few months with that gal before making the plunge. When YOU are ready, hang a baht of gold on her and take her and her family to a nice dinner. Best of Luck. I am in my fifth year with a good Esaan woman.

In the face of all the evidence and all the experience . . . quite why anyone would want to put themselves through all this is beyond me.

It's all BS . . . surely most of you realize this?

[jcartermad]

It makes no odds where the couple are from. Parents will always have their own ideas. I married a thai teacher of 47. I'm 57. My wifes parents are both dead so no MIL issues. Her children, 1 x Police Inspector (he was OK) & 1 x Economist (Lady no happy) were at first not for the marriage. After several trips from the UK and meetings they came round. my wifes family are all well-off professionals in education. Not a hint of disapproval from any. Far from it...they encouraged us to marry. There was no gold gifts, just a decent reception and honeymoon. Since then the family have encouraged me to move to Thailand. Even though i would earn far more in the UK! Money is not this families driving force. Love seems the key. Even when the daughter married the family asked for no money. They funded the whole thing! My wife has even secured me a teaching job. Pay's poor, 35k a month against £5K in the UK. All the family want is me to live with my wife and carve out a life together. No talk of buying a big house, new car. The guys are right. Issan girls can be loving, kind and it is a shame some folks seem to have this view on Issan ladies. By the way my wife could easily find a thai guy of equal professional standards. She is quite a stunner and well established. All here teaching friends are equally keen to meet a normal good farang. I do accept some girls on thai love links are a bit effy but i bet there are loads of decent honest hard workers out there. Keep at it and charm the MIL. Your lady sounds nice. Good luck to you and your future wife. Regards John.

[kurnell]

When my missus told her mum that she had a farang boyfriend, her mum said it was ok as long as I wasn't a shorts and singlet backpacker. When I turned up at her village on the back of her dads bike, dressed in shorts and a t-shirt, she looked me up and down, sucked air through her teeth and turned her back on me. 7 years down the track and we still don't get along.

[Colabamumbai]

Mother is afraid of loosing her cash cow and you may not be as generous as daughter.

[JohanV]

When my missus told her mum that she had a farang boyfriend, her mum said it was ok as long as I wasn't a shorts and singlet backpacker. When I turned up at her village on the back of her dads bike, dressed in shorts and a t-shirt, she looked me up and down, sucked air through her teeth and turned her back on me. 7 years down the track and we still don't get along.

So why in heaven's name did you wear that outfit on the first meeting with your in-laws ?

Would you have done the same if invited to a first meeting dinner in a western family ?

You might have noticed ( on second thought, maybe not.. ) that dress-code is of value here in Asia. When I met my in-laws first time I made the effort to put on a suit. I learnt some polite phrases in Isaan and tried my best to be really really respectful. I also had a Buddha amulet around my neck and LookTung in my MP3player. 7 years down the track we get along very well and are the best of friends. If you respect your wife you have to respect her cultural roots as well, don't you think ?

[Dave the Dude]

John

Its refreshing to hear such a positive thread on this section of the forum.

You are a lucky man, indeed not to be 'screwed' by a greedy family. So am I by the way.

I have absolutly no experience with internet dating other than seeing a number of farangs locally, both fail and succeed. Having read every post here, I truly believe that the most common factor that can cause problems is that us farangs rush things. We come over here and meet village folk that might have no previous experience of Farangs and our funny ways (yes, we do have them!). We splash money and alcohol around, so the locals think we can be for ever 'the life and soul of the party.' We talk about grand homes and /or Business schemes to impress the GF & family. Then b@gger off to who know were, until the next time!

I have gone through all of this and although hindsight is a powerful tool, now understand why some situations arise over here.

Cha Cha / Slow Down is my advice and give yourself time to get on with the locals/family, Who knows they might even like you!!

[sarahsbloke]

Can anyone suggest a good negotiating strategy when I eventually meet Mama and tell her I want to "takecare' her daughter?

Put baby onboard, before meeting.

Negotiate from strength!