Don'T Know What To Do About Farang Friend

[leininger]

I have only 3 close farang friends here. Mostly because there are very few farangs where I live. I would like to have more but there are none around. Reason I am writing is that I do not know what to do with one of these friends. He is over 70 years old and lives on a very small pension. He has a Thai wife who has a grown son who lives with them, and 2 dogs. The problem is that this man, who I will call John, is becoming somewhat of a burden to me. I lent him money constantly but I myself live on a tight budget, especially with current exchange rate, although John thinks I am rich because I have small business with wife which does okay but also has high overhead and the profits go into the bank, which is really retirement account for wife after I am not around any more. John is constantly losing ATM cards and so cannot get money from home. I offer to send email to his nephew and bank but he refuses, preferring to write letters which take forever to arrive and call on phone which uses up all his money. When I try to advise him on his monetary problems he gets angry and ignores my advice.

Then he gets irate with people at bank and pension dept. back in UK so they won't deal with him, so he gets no money and then shows up trying to borrow again. Last week I had 300 baht tspending money to last a week but I gave him 100 baht for food and he spent the whole 100 baht on dog food and then complains he has nothing to eat.

His wife has very small food business but she does not make much money. She will not cook for him because he gives the food to the dog. Instead wants wife to go back to work in a bar, which of course got his wife very upset with him.

I am sorry for the long posting. My point here finally is that John does not seem like a very well man. He just got dengue fever and he is like skin and bones. He has no friends left except me and one Thai woman store owner. I foresee that he will soon end up in hospital. He has no insurance and no family back home to help him. I know he will call me when this happens. I believe his mental state is also worsening. On one hand, I cannot afford to adopt this guy. On the other hand, I don't know if I can stand by and see the guy rot away without medical care. I have already had numerous arguments with my own wife over John. I wondered if other people on forum have encountered this situation. I think I already know what most guys will say, but still I appreciate any advice.

[Travel2003]

Does your friend have any close family members back where he came from?

If yes, try to find out about them, and tell (if you can) them about the problem?

After all, even though he is your friend, he is really not your responsibility outside the normal human decency.

[thomo]

We're all responsible for our own life.

You've done your bit. Don't feel guilt over his inability to take care of himself.

I have a 50 yr old friend heading in the same direction, and he knows it, still won't get up and do something about it though. 50 yrs old and penniless, no pension coming his way, I told him to move down to where I am, had 2 jobs for him paying 70,000b+, compared to the 35k he makes where he is, but no, wanted to stay and sit around and complain about how poor his future is going to be.

Edited September 2, 2010 by thomo

[IanForbes]

I feel for your predicament but there really isn't an answer for someone who seems to be at the beginning stages of dementia. People make their own nest and eventually they have to live in it.. Nobody can save the world. There are just too many poor souls needing help. All you can do is be firm and offer a specific, set amount to look after him. After that you cut him off. If he chooses to feed it to the dogs with his money then he's better off dead... which seems to be the direction he is heading for.

[carmine]

You are obviously a caring person but frankly if you budget only extends to 300 baht for a week to keep yourself you are hardly in a position to be supporting others.

[Shotime]

I'd make some new friends.

[taninthai]

op what do you mean when you say he wants his wife to go back to work in a bar .........................................

[Travel2003]

op what do you mean when you say he wants his wife to go back to work in a bar .........................................

I guess to make more money than she does now.

Just a guess.

[thomo]

op what do you mean when you say he wants his wife to go back to work in a bar

That he wants his wife to go back to work in a bar I'd presume.

[taninthai]

op what do you mean when you say he wants his wife to go back to work in a bar

That he wants his wife to go back to work in a bar I'd presume.

yes but its what her position would be in bar that worries me bm or bg..................

Edited September 2, 2010 by taninthai

[Dakhar]

there is more to this story.... "Johns" wife is already working the bar, she just doesn't let John know about it....

[Moonrakers]

op what do you mean when you say he wants his wife to go back to work in a bar

That he wants his wife to go back to work in a bar I'd presume.

yes but its what her position would be in bar that worries me bm or bg..................

Missionary?

[dumball]

As I mentioned in another thread , I have helped various people over the years to get back on their feet , more from helpfull advise and encouragement , some went on in a good state of mind , some just did not care . I do not do it any more , this man has made his own bed to lie on , you have attempted to get him on his own two feet with both good advise and money , your help seems to be going nowhere . Give him a few bucks just ONE more time and very firmly tell him from now on his problems are no longer your concern , it sounds like if you do not do this , you will need help with your own marital problems which sound as if they are already forming in the background .

[leininger]

Thanks everyone. All good and sound advice and I will take it. To answer some questions which I failed to mention in the posting, his only family is nephew who seems to help him somewhat but I get impression that either he is not willing to help John too much or perhaps he has and is fed up with him. About his wife, she cooks food for school lunch program and makes about 200 baht per day. The job in bar was bargirl work, which she is how she met John but never wanted to work in this job again and to be honest she is a little old for that business now anyway. One thing I failed to mention is that even though his wife has no experience, my wife offered her job in hair salon and John's wife failed to show up. I perhaps gave a false impression also. I do have generally more than 300 baht per week. I just happened to be short that week. However I still cannot afford to keep bailing John out. He has to make the visa runs to Laos and I have lent him for the double entry visas and such but this is a continuing situation which will not change. I will do as one man suggested and help him one more time, and as always I told him he is always welcome to come and eat at my house but he never does because he does not like Thai food. On top of everything else, I do not believe he would do the same for me as I am doing if the situation were reversed, unless I had four legs and a tail.

[TAWP]

/../ and as always I told him he is always welcome to come and eat at my house but he never does because he does not like Thai food.

So what does he eat?

[Wallaby]

I told him to move down to where I am, had 2 jobs for him paying 70,000

Jeez, for that money I'll throw I'd throw in my job immediately and catch the first plane over.

[TAWP]

I told him to move down to where I am, had 2 jobs for him paying 70,000

Jeez, for that money I'll throw I'd throw in my job immediately and catch the first plane over.

I'd agree, and old man with possibly not that much energy left is offered that much...would a young, healthy and energetic lad be given the same chance?

[neverdie]

I told him to move down to where I am, had 2 jobs for him paying 70,000

Jeez, for that money I'll throw I'd throw in my job immediately and catch the first plane over.

I'd agree, and old man with possibly not that much energy left is offered that much...would a young, healthy and energetic lad be given the same chance?

Know somebody do you?

[rgs2001uk]

I told him to move down to where I am, had 2 jobs for him paying 70,000

Jeez, for that money I'll throw I'd throw in my job immediately and catch the first plane over.

Jeez, if I was making that sort of money I'd throw the job in immediately and catch the first plane home.

[elliss]

We're all responsible for our own life.

You've done your bit. Don't feel guilt over his inability to take care of himself.

i agree ,, been there and done it , never again .

i dont not allow myself , to become too involved ,

with any farang .

take care of no 1.

[thomo]

Unfortunate, but totally true.

[F1fanatic]

As Ian pointed out earlier, it sounds as if he's starting to suffer from dementia. If he has no money things can only get worse....

He's made it clear that he has no respect or love for his wife, and she has no way of paying their living expenses. Perhaps their son can support them?

If not, its time for him to be sent back home - why should you support his family for the rest of his life?

[NancyL]

Perhaps the OP should contact the embassy of the home country of his friend to see what can be done about repatriating the friend to take advantage of whatever social welfare programs are available.

[leininger]

Thanks again for advice. To answer the question about what he eats, it is usually those burgers from 7-11 or potatoes or sometimes canned soup when he gets the money. He does eat khao phat and those cheap mama noodles. I never thought of embassy, but probably that is best idea if he becomes completely unable to care for himself. Wife's son, according to John, is lazy and uselss. However, this is only his word and I do not know the kid myself. John spent most of his life as construction foreman and supervisor on construction projects in Middle east, and has been looking to find a job there again, though I do not see much hope in this, considering his age and mental and physical condition.

[Flatouthruthefog]

Perhaps the OP should contact the embassy of the home country of his friend to see what can be done about repatriating the friend to take advantage of whatever social welfare programs are available.

Perhaps you didn't notice that 'John' is British?

Sorry, OP, but there will be NO help from that Embassy AT ALL to repatriate this man.

Even if he is wasting away in Deportation Jail Bangkok awaiting an air ticket. The Americans and the Swedes are 2 of the very few nations who help their 'derelict expats' in this respect.

I strongly suggest that, having double checked what I say with the Consular Officer in Wireless Rd, you contact the nephew direct and tell him this. Make your warning as direct and dire as possible.

The man IS in the first stages of dementia. All the clues are there. You are a very good friend, and are being taken advantage of when your own finances and marriage just can't afford it.

Sound the warning bells to all relevant parties (starting with 'John' himself of course - but he won't listen OR believe you), then be very tough and get ready to wash your hands of the whole sorry saga.

And good luck!

[StreetCowboy]

I suppose we should treat this as a bitter reminder of our own responsibilities and the need to provide for our own decrepitude - we can't expect strangers and unborn generations to look after us in our crumbling antiquity, but luckily, capitalism and the industry spawned by the Scottish Church Widows association gives us the opportunity to exercise prudence and foresight in that regard, should we so choose.

As it is, I'll probably have to work till I'm a hundred to save for a decent pension...

SC

do as I say, not as I do

[philw]

Perhaps the OP should contact the embassy of the home country of his friend to see what can be done about repatriating the friend to take advantage of whatever social welfare programs are available.

Perhaps you didn't notice that 'John' is British?

Sorry, OP, but there will be NO help from that Embassy AT ALL to repatriate this man.

Even if he is wasting away in Deportation Jail Bangkok awaiting an air ticket. The Americans and the Swedes are 2 of the very few nations who help their 'derelict expats' in this respect.

I strongly suggest that, having double checked what I say with the Consular Officer in Wireless Rd, you contact the nephew direct and tell him this. Make your warning as direct and dire as possible.

The man IS in the first stages of dementia. All the clues are there. You are a very good friend, and are being taken advantage of when your own finances and marriage just can't afford it.

Sound the warning bells to all relevant parties (starting with 'John' himself of course - but he won't listen OR believe you), then be very tough and get ready to wash your hands of the whole sorry saga.

And good luck!

Good , solid advice.

But don't give up on the concern either.

PhilW

PM if i can help.

[Thules]

John, You can't save everybody, and the best advice already given by previous posters, is to help get your friend home and under the correct medical supervision. Cudos to you already,, but please think about his possibly unknowing needs rather the constant burdon on yourself.

[TheLaughingMan]

Why do people want to save anyone? I just don't get this incessant need to push yourself on other people. If someone is refusing to keep themselves alive, let them go, it's their time.

I CAN understand someone helping someone else who is in trouble through no fault of their own, but this situation? No, don't understand at all. Its as bad as men thinking they can "save" hookers.

[Thules]

Well LM, I guess its because we live in hope. That if ever we should get in such a bad state, some kind sole might help. In the meantime, while I can, I'm happy to help anyone whose fallen on hard times. It's just no big thing to me,