How To Keep Ur Married Life Fresh&hot?

[autonomous_unit]

I don't think it is immoral to have such thoughts and desires. The point of morality or ethics is in deciding how to act! It is easy to start asking "what-ifs." Sometimes that can help you figure out what you really want in life and whether you are getting it, but that's about it. You still have to ask yourself "what now" and "what next." Thinking "I want to tear my heart out and offer it to xyz" is not the same as "I will now do so, and break abc's heart in the process." Our what-ifs always happen in a perfect world, but we actually live and act in this world with greater consequences. Of course, the maddening part is contemplating all the shades of gray between acting without consequences and with, i.e. thinking about whether we can chance it or get away with it "just once". I tend to think it's a slippery slope in fog, and we had better stay well clear.

So, there is this inexorable change as we get older and gain experiences: we can remember what it was like before we had those experiences and we can feel nostalgia and longing for it. But, because of our new experiences and point of view, we can never really face the same viewpoint again. A pessimistic way to look at it is that we start off fresh and innocent and we are corrupted by time, to get caught up in the sheer tragedy of life. But, the other (more healthy) view is that we start off naive and ignorant and we grow wiser... in the end, whether it is being responsible to our partners, family, friends, or society at large, we are learning all the time how to be better at it. We learn how to judge the true impact of our actions. Then we choose whether to be better or not.

I have been married about 1.5 years, but like you we were together for many years before that. We also looked at marriage as more of a convenience or a ritual for families than as a life-changing step. The idea has grown on us though. Like you, we do not have the same wild feelings of infatuation we had in the first year or so, but in its place we have feelings of trust and responsibility that we never would have dreamed of when we were 23 years old. There have been good times, and bad times, and everything in between. Times when we needed each other to make it through, times when we wondered if we were doing each other more harm than good, and times when it seemed like it would be so much easier alone. We also have changed a lot as people... neither of us are who we first dated 7-8 years ago. We've shaped each other for almost 1/4 of our lives (into better people, I like to think).

I think it has taken most of this time for us to really learn what love is, and to develop it between us. That infatuation or puppy-love is just the spark to get things started; there is so much more hidden beneath the layers of familiarity, duty, and funny surprises (like in the song quoted earlier).

[Totster]

How To Keep Ur Married Life Fresh&hot?

Lot's of dirty, naughty, sex

totster

[OlRedEyes]

You say things are still good between the two of you, you are just getting bored or starting to feel like you are losing your free youth. (?) It's a pretty common problem with younger couples.

Getting pregnant at this stage is about the worst advice I could imagine...

Why not chat about it to your husband. Find out how he feels. Don't mold your life and marraige on what is right for others, but on what is right for the two of you. Explore options that may work for the two of you, don't exclude anything, except cheating - that is a recipe for disaster and you may as well leave.

You appear to need some exitement and flavour in your life. Maybe he does too. Maybe you can find it together.

BambinA I must say the last two paragraphs in your post is uncharacteristically well written (in English) compared to your other posts?

Edited August 1, 2005 by OlRedEyes

[meadish_sweetball]

BambinA I must say the last two paragraphs in your post is uncharacteristically well written (in English) compared to your other posts?

Google is a wonderful tool

[BambinA]

However independent you were before, marriage has a habit of sucking you in to being a couple.

Particularly if the marriage involves children, your lives are increasingly tied up together day-to-day. The result is often feeling both dependent and depended on - as though you have someone constantly clinging to your ankles.

Successful couples know that, however much love there is, marriage can bring this trapped feeling. They encourage each other not to be always 'us', to take 'me' time, to have 'me' hobbies and even 'me' friends. This way, each partner brings individuality in to the marriage, keeping it fresh and alive.

Bambi 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Is it just me or did Bambi all of a sudden start speaking/typing a lot better? I have never seen you post such a well written, coherent statement such as this.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

hahah ..sometime evil troll like me wanna be an angel GRIN

Bambi (yes i love google)

Edited August 1, 2005 by BambinA

[Girlfrombar]

I think maybe you just envy them  coz  , seem they have  freedom obviously ..

how about, you take a  vacation? (alone, or with girl friend) few weeks?

yah, right, or maybe i just heard too much about their single lifes or whatsover

i'm planning to take trip with them!! girls girls girls!!

However independent you were before, marriage has a habit of sucking you in to being a couple.

actually, it's not really the problem of being couple, we're independent partner (with the marraige's law bond)

Particularly if the marriage involves children, your lives are increasingly tied up together day-to-day. The result is often feeling both dependent and depended on - as though you have someone constantly clinging to your ankles.

Successful couples know that, however much love there is, marriage can bring this trapped feeling. They encourage each other not to be always 'us', to take 'me' time, to have 'me' hobbies and even 'me' friends. This way, each partner brings individuality in to the marriage, keeping it fresh and alive.

sounded like SEX & THE CITY theory uhuh

Bambi 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

[Girlfrombar]

having been married to my wife for two years now, I can sympathize with some of what you write.  In my case, the initial "perfect" love from the early stages of our relationship has somehow faded - as they do in any relationship when you realize that your partner is not 100% perfect - although so it seemed initially.  But in most successful relationship, I believe it eventually is replaced with what I would call "realistic love" - you love your partner, not despite his/her faults or shortcomings, or because you have not yet noticed theses, but with his/her faults & shortcomings. 

nobody is perfect,

and i love/respect imperfect person

the perfect person, to me are something untouchable.....

I can remember what it was like falling in love with my wife the first time we met - absolutely intoxicating.  But also a bit unrealistic to expect it to last - you can't expect to walk around with your head in the skies for the rest of your life.  Things change, relationships stabilize - this is not necessarily a bad thing.

If you are both happy in your relationship, then you have nothing to worry about.  Perhaps try to "spice" things up from time to time - perhaps visit the place you first met, the first restaurant you dined in together, go away for a romantic weekend.  Small acts of kindness when least expected, just an SMS in the middle of the day saying that you think of each other, the list is endless.....

we've done everything

For myself, I appreciate the ladies as much as the next man.  I do look at women, and admire an attractive face or a nice body.  I can (and do) easily feel attracted to women other than my wife.  But I know that I would never risk my marriage for another woman - no matter how easily it could have been done (this is Thailand, after all).  If my wife found out, I think she would perhaps forgive me (once), but the trust would have been lost forever. And that would be a bigger loss than I am prepared to take.

thank you.. the line shot me again...

You are talking about your love need - is that the need for you to love or to be loved?  However nice it is to be loved, you can never demand, or even expect love. But you can give it.  Perhaps if you started showering your partner with (even) more love, some of it would bounce back....?

Good luck...

i love both feeling.... the feeling of being loved and the feeling to love

Good luck to u also.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Edited August 1, 2005 by Girlfrombar

[Girlfrombar]

I don't think it is immoral to have such thoughts and desires. The point of morality or ethics is in deciding how to act! It is easy to start asking "what-ifs." Sometimes that can help you figure out what you really want in life and whether you are getting it, but that's about it.  You still have to ask yourself "what now" and "what next." Thinking "I want to tear my heart out and offer it to xyz" is not the same as "I will now do so, and break abc's heart in the process." Our what-ifs always happen in a perfect world, but we actually live and act in this world with greater consequences. Of course, the maddening part is contemplating all the shades of gray between acting without consequences and with, i.e. thinking about whether we can chance it or get away with it "just once". I tend to think it's a slippery slope in fog, and we had better stay well clear.

i'm too much thinker.... i think

So, there is this inexorable change as we get older and gain experiences: we can remember what it was like before we had those experiences and we can feel nostalgia and longing for it. But, because of our new experiences and point of view, we can never really face the same viewpoint again. A pessimistic way to look at it is that we start off fresh and innocent and we are corrupted by time, to get caught up in the sheer tragedy of life. But, the other (more healthy) view is that we start off naive and ignorant and we grow wiser... in the end, whether it is being responsible to our partners, family, friends, or society at large, we are learning all the time how to be better at it. We learn how to judge the true impact of our actions. Then we choose whether to be better or not.

I have been married about 1.5 years, but like you we were together for many years before that. We also looked at marriage as more of a convenience or a ritual for families than as a life-changing step.

thank you... u made me feeling not alone

but can't refuse that life is changing A BIT after marriage, right?

I think it has taken most of this time for us to really learn what love is, and to develop it between us. That infatuation or puppy-love is just the spark to get things started; there is so much more hidden beneath the layers of familiarity, duty, and funny surprises (like in the song quoted earlier).

EXACTLY!........... wake me up and realise myself.... i'm JUST married!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

thank you.

Edited August 1, 2005 by Girlfrombar

[Girlfrombar]

You say things are still good between the two of you, you are just getting bored or starting to feel like you are losing your free youth. (?) It's a pretty common problem with younger couples.

Getting pregnant at this stage is about the worst advice I could imagine...

Why not chat about it to your husband. Find out how he feels. Don't mold your life and marraige on what is right for others, but on what is right for the two of you.  Explore options that may work for the two of you, don't exclude anything, except cheating - that is a recipe for disaster and you may as well leave.

You appear to need some exitement and flavour in your life. Maybe he does too. Maybe you can find it together.

i think i found the answer and will wrap it all in the next of my reply.

BambinA I must say the last two paragraphs in your post is uncharacteristically well written (in English) compared to your other posts?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

[BambinA]

sounded like SEX & THE CITY theory uhuh

Bambi 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Your COSMOPOLITAN

anyhow, believe me ..your single friends must be envy you also..nobody doesn't want to be lonely ..they just have a good fun time for a moment after that they will worry bout they will be stucked on hill !!

it's not fun to wait for the last train at the station

Bambi (waiting for the Jetplane)

[Girlfrombar]

thank you for every reply.... thank for sharing the ideas

concerning to my doubt, it's just about me, myself &i

i know where it's from... the boredom of myself... neither the boredom of him(self) nor marriage

HEADLINE: Monogamy v monotony

BYLINE: Darian Leader

BODY:

Do we live in an age of boredom? First pop turned into techno music, with its repetitive pulsing. Then our high streets started to become cloned so we lost interest. Now we find ourselves watching the nightly spectacle of Big Brother contestants moping around a sparsely furnished house doing not very much.

Even sex is boring. Hundreds of thousands of people paid to download a bootleg video of Paris Hilton making love with her boyfriend, yet the most scandalous thing about it was that nothing really happened. As the young woman copulated, she answered her mobile, chatted listlessly and generally displayed no excitement at all.

Boredom means that the usual sources of enjoyment have lost their appeal. It isn't just a case of having nothing to do. We feel empty, dissatisfied, uable to concentrate. And the advice to amuse oneself doesn't work because one of the essential characteristics of boredom is that stimulation has to come from the outside.

When people say that they are bored with a relationship it often means that the excitement has drained away. They think that they know the other person too well and so there are no surprises. The unpredictable dimension has vanished and all that's left is monotony and routine. This brings us to the crucial point. In these situations we might think that we want another partner or lover but, in fact, what we want is to desire another person. Our lives are built up around desire: we strive for what we think we don't have.

We can certainly complain that our desire is unsatisfied or difficult or even impossible, but the one thing worse than having unfulfilled desires is having no desire at all. There is nothing left to hope for, or to work towards or to dream about. This dreadful state is boredom. That's why the affairs that are born out of boredom so often end up short-lived. What matters is resuscitating desire, and once this is done it is not uncommon for the guilty party to return to their original mate. They have realised that it wasn't their new partner whom they loved so much as the resurgence of desire. The only problem here is that once they've realised this, there is no guarantee that the original mate will want them back.

If most relationships are punctuated by brief periods of boredom, what about those people who get bored so quickly that they barely have relationships? Like Casanova, the chances are that it wasn't a relationship they were after but the endless experience of being loved. Here boredom becomes a way of life rather than an empty space in-between.

It pays to recognise that periods of monotony are a transitory state and not a definitive full stop to a relationship that only exit will alleviate.

Darian Leader is a psychoanalyst and author

Copyright 2005 Times Newspapers Limited

The Times (London)

July 30, 2005, Saturday

someone sent me this report... and it's quite right to me.... esp. :In these situations we might think that we want another partner or lover but, in fact, what we want is to desire another person. Our lives are built up around desire: we strive for what we think we don't have.

thank you again everyone.

GFB

[OxfordWill]

p.s. don't forget that your single friends are probably jealous of you being married - so it works both ways.

[cdnvic]

BambinA, posting someone else's work as your own like that is dishonest, illegal, and not only brings your charachter into doubt, but it can get us in trouble as well. If you ever do this again it will be your very last post here.

cv