The Woman Marine Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

“Janie, do you have a story to share?'

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Granny. She was a Marine pilot in Afghanistan, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 taliban fighters. She shot 15 of them until she ran out of bullets, killed 4 more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last guy with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

"Don't <deleted> with Granny when she's been drinking."

A sweet grandmother

telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,

"Is it possible to speak to someone

who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said,

"I'll be glad to help, dear.

What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said,

"Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied,

"Let me put you on hold

while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes,

the operator returned to the phone and said,

"I have good news

Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well.

Her blood pressure is fine;

her blood work just came back normal, and her physician,

Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said,

"Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried.

God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied,

"You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said,"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302.

No one tells me shit."

Time to retire Gran