Sex With A Dead Squid

[PattayaOneTeam]

Meditations on a Dead Squid

By S. Tsow

A recent news item reported that a man in Wales was photographed having sex with a dead squid. The possessor of the photograph (apparently not the same person who had sex with the squid) was arrested and charged with possessing ‘an extreme pornographic image which portrayed in an explicit and realistic way a person performing an act of intercourse with a dead animal, namely a squid, which was grossly offensive, disgusting or of obscene character.’

You can tell right away that the Welsh authorities are a prim and puritanical bunch. Precisely what aspect of this act has caused the court to vilify it in such stern words? Is it the fact that the victim was dead, or the fact that it was a squid? If the latter, the court is guilty of a bias based on species, technically known as speciesism. Such bias must be condemned by all right-thinking, politically correct people.

The issue of a man having sex with a dead squid is a delicate topic that presents many pitfalls, but I propose to address it with my customary tastefulness, wit, and grace. I know that there are many cowardly editors out there who would reel in disgust at the thought of printing this. “There goes Tsow again, sending us filth,” I can hear them grumbling. “This one goes into the shredder.”

But not this editor. No! I am confident that the editor of this journal will boldly tread where no previous editor has ever trodden before, blazing new trails in journalistic courage, embracing freedom of information, openness to Truth, the equality of all mankind, and the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I know that this brave editor will fiercely defend my God-given right to pen whatever depraved scurrility manages to slither through the rotting convolutions of a diseased brain.

Yes, the world will be shocked and disgusted. But we must have Truth, however ugly and unpleasant it may be. This particular crime, technically called squidbonking, has many complex ramifications that we must explore in erotic detail; for it casts a new and cruel light on the sewage that suppurates in the dark and hidden corners of the human mind.

There are grave moral issues at stake here. Pope Benedict will surely have much to say about them, and I eagerly await a papal bull [no doubt to be titled Eroticus Squidius Bonkus. Ed.] on the topic. The Reverend Al Sharpton, too, is not likely to remain silent, nor Archbishop Desmond Tutu; and it is for certain that the Muslim ulema is already crafting appropriately sulfurous fatwas. Only the Dalai Lama will have the wisdom to remain silent.

I am concerned about the condition of this unfortunate invertebrate at the time she was so cruelly violated. The squid was dead. She cannot speak out in her own defense, so it remains for brave humans to take up the cudgels on her behalf. As she was in no condition to resist the amorous advances of her assailant, or even to demur verbally, we can consider this a case of rape.

Is it a greater crime to rape a dead victim, or a living one? As creatures of reason, we must acknowledge that raping a living victim is a far weightier crime. For in that instance the victim can feel pain and shame, whereas a dead one cannot. If the court should ever bring the actual rapist to justice, I believe that they must of necessity consider the posthumous condition of the victim to be an extenuating circumstance.

We may feel disgust at the thought of a man raping a dead animal, but we must also admit that nobody is getting hurt in the process. In fact, the man, depraved though he certainly was, must have felt at the very least a perverse frisson of pleasure; otherwise, he would have desisted before consummating his act of love.

Looking at this crime from a broader perspective, we must admit that it is a sad blot on the reputation of our species. Is there no unnatural act, perversion, or atrocity of which we are incapable? As the dominant species on this planet, do we not have a duty to guard, protect, and defend the lower, more helpless species that fall beneath our sway? He who abuses this responsibility disgraces all humankind, bringing shame, opprobrium, and condemnation upon us all. You won’t catch squids raping humans—especially not dead ones.

Who then is the higher species here? It is the lowly, innocent, and unoffending squid. Poor innocent lamb! Here she was, lying dead and harmless on the beach, with her relatives out at sea presumably in deep mourning over her sad condition; when lo! along comes this vicious psychopath to assault and defile her, leaving her no dignity even in death. Inhuman succubus! Irredeemably depraved vampire and cannibal! The wrath, fury, and outrage of the entire global community of creatures are arrayed against him.

We also wonder why he couldn’t get a girl.

………

S. Tsow can be flamed at [email protected], as soon as he stops sputtering about the outrage committed against the late Ms. Squid.

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-- Pattaya One 2010-11-26