Will There Be Virgins In Heaven

[PattayaOneTeam]

A New Religion for the 21st Century

by S. Tsow

There's a new religion which has been creating quite a buzz lately. Founded in Mexico, it is rapidly spreading to all corners of the globe.

It's called Enchiladism, because its followers believe that the universe is shaped like an enchilada, which is slowly being unrolled by a deity in the form of a giant panda named Bob.

Einstein believed that the universe was expanding, not unrolling, which just goes to show how much HE knew. To be fair, though, I don't know how anybody could expect Einstein to be right all the time with a haircut like that.

Einstein's error was caused by his pathetic dependence on the inexact science of mathematics, instead of going with what made him feel good. Enchiladism's founder, the prophet Pancho Mendoza, always went with what made him feel good. That is how he happened to discover the truths of Enchiladism in a burst of enlightenment after several bottles of tequila, three hits of LSD, and a dozen snorts of cocaine in the back room of a beer hall in Durango, Mexico, on a sweltering July afternoon in 1984.

Skeptics have raised a question about Bob. They want to know what he'll do with the universe once he finishes unrolling it.

Alas, we don't know. Theologians have been wrestling with this question ever since Prophet Pancho received his revelation on that holy (but sweltering!) afternoon in 1984. It has given rise to three schools of Enchiladist eschatology.

The Big Gulp theory holds that Bob will eat the universe, and we'll all be dead. The Big Rollback theory claims that Bob will inspect his handiwork and roll it back up. In that case, we'll also be dead. The Big Bamboo theory says that Bob will lose interest and amble off to some other dimension to find some bamboo shoots, which are what he REALLY likes to eat.

Skeptics will scoff at the idea of a panda unrolling an enchilada, but don't forget: Bob is a deity. Deities can do some mighty remarkable things. And it's a good idea not to question them too closely, because they're easily irritated, and they're bigger than we are. Check out the Book of Job if you don't believe me.

Now, the area where this amazing new religion really shines is in its theory of the afterlife. This is a highly elaborate and sophisticated doctrine that makes other religions look primitive by comparison. It holds that unbelievers will go to hell, but that believers will ascend to a heavenly paradise called Salsa, where each of them will be given 365 virgins to enjoy for all eternity.

That's one virgin for each day of the year, with an extra thrown in as a bonus on leap years.

Critics have complained that this is a smutty sensualist's paradise that glorifies sexual promiscuity. But there's a catch. For every major sin that the believer committed during his lifetime, one virgin will be deducted from his total stash. This wise dictum ensures that believers will behave with impeccably morality during their earthly sojourn.

Critics also ask if these virgins are wizened 96-year-old hags with toothless gums and withered dugs hanging down to their knees. The answer is no. They are all young and obscenely beautiful, putting contemporary sex goddesses like Paris Hilton, Jessica Alba, and Angelina Jolie to shame.

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-- Pattaya One 2011-02-13

[endure]

Desperation has a particularly rancid smell.

[kropotkin]

This new theory sounds rediculous to me.

I stay with the Spaghetti Monster God.

RAMA!!!!

[timekeeper]

AND IN RELATED RELIGIOUS NEWS:

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.

Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% next January from 72 to only 60.

The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.

General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."

Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"

Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands.

They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good, fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.

Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas.

One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that........it's too much to swallow".

Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday.

Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working.

However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.

Spokespersons in the South of England, and the entire Australian continent stated that this would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".

[kropotkin]

AND IN RELATED RELIGIOUS NEWS:

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.

Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% next January from 72 to only 60.

The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.

General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."

Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"

Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands.

They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good, fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.

Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas.

One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that........it's too much to swallow".

Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday.

Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working.

However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.

Spokespersons in the South of England, and the entire Australian continent stated that this would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".

What a typo!

Of course that should read ....if i can't compete with the official governments.....