A Breaking Heart

[Nevo]

I really do not know if I'm like other people here. I've lived and worked in Thailand for more than ten years. My partner and I have been together for over eight of those years. Inseperable and for the most...very happy together. A usual / unusual relationship. We haven't done anything unless we have done it together. Friends(the good, the bad, the farang, the Thai) have come and gone but we have always remained in love. Sounds like a ridiculous cliche. But I can't think of any other words. Devoted ? ....No. it is too strong. Just committing in print to the word 'love' makes me feel guilty. Years of growing up in the North East of England during the 70's and 80's. You really had to have your wits about you then. As a practising gay guy, from a very early age, one wrong sign or word would have had you beaten to a pulp at the very least. The word 'love' was a gay word as far as those macho North East men were concerned. I do not care. After all these years if I arrange to meet him, and see him walking towards me ,my heart skips a beat. His smile still melts me.

The beginning. We met in Silom. He was 30 years old and had worked there for 10 years. ( Please read on, I can hear what you are thinking). Friends, acquaintances and every Tom, Dick and Harry warned me against him. Why him? You are only a few years older (9 actually). You could have anyone. But I did not want anyone. I wanted him. In him I could almost feel his soul. A toughened and hard exterior hid a soft and caring heart. Like myself a little - a soulmate. I had nothing to lose that mattered. I had given up already.

The years have just flown by. We live our quiet existence in the centre of Bangkok. Go shopping together. Gossip together. Laugh together. Argue about the silliest things. Drink in the local watering holes. Cry at the same corny movies. Stand in front of the mirror naked and laugh at how old our bodies are looking now. Go on holiday to the beach sitting for hours without talking - just reading books, eating Som Tam, drinking beer, watching TV and talking/ laughing about what we will be both like when we are old. Places we want to visit.

Now I'm alone. He's in hospital. Suspected appendicitis. Only it isn't. The Doctor says he has a very large growth in his colon. Tests are inconclusive because of an a stomach infection. They can not conduct a conclusive test for another 2 weeks until the infection subsides and they can do a colonoscopy and biopsy to give a positive diagnosis. It's on his left side. The more I read on the internet, the more I identify with previous symptoms he has had, the more I get scared.

I just do not know what to do. My heart is literally breaking in two. I am trying to be so positive but I saw the look on the Doctors face. And the nurses and radiologists. He's only 38 years old. All the times I've shouted at him for some stupid, pathetic thing.

[Frenchtouch]

Hi there,

I've just read your message and feel sorry about what you and your partner are going through.

But you have to be strong and patient. If he is in a good hospital, Thai doctors know their jobs and will do all they can to help your partner.

Spend as much time as possible with him, try to always have a positive attitude whatever happens.

Buy him those little things he likes to eat (if he can eat them), get him one of these portable DVD players and bring him his favourite movies so that time doesn't seem too long, ask him if he 'd like massage. People who spend days in bed love to be massaged. Get someone to do the massage if you can't, you know how relaxing they can be.

He needs you now, more than ever and from your attitude depend his moral and his strength.

Keep faith and never lose hope.

All the best!

[Kdude]

I am so sorry to hear about your Partner. I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers. I can't imagine how hard this must be on you. I am sending you both this blessing (www.mayyoubeblessedmovie) Know that you are not alone in your concern for your loved one. Many will be praying for you both as you get through this together.

Edited February 16, 2011 by Ijustwannateach
No active links please - IJWT

[Thailand4life]

Really sorry to hear that.

Wish you all the best for you and your partner! Stay strong!

[ProThaiExpat]

Yes, there are others like you "out there" with similar relationship experiences. My experience parallels yours in time, commitment, sharing and the like. We met on the internet, perhaps as riskier or more so than Soi 4 for long, loving relationships to blossom from.

I was hospitalized for long stays in the past and my other half stayed with me in my room as it was large enough and had a sofa for him to sleep on. I am sure your love would like that as well if your up to it and the accomodations for you can be arranged. It seems personal care of a loved one is not unusual in Thai hospitals and I know the nursing staff appreciated the extra help my loved one provided while I was there, with bed pans especially.

Flowers, when looked upon by the hospitalized are a beautiful reminder of the feelings expressed by the giver however, your face is much more beautiful to your lover than flowers if he sees it while incarcerated in a hospital bed.

My experience with Thai doctors, is they do not usually show emotions or give comfort to their patients as many have learned to do in the West, so don't draw conclusions from their "look" when you are desperately trying to determine the outcome of their efforts.

As others have posted, do everything you can to make your love comfortable and happy as much as possible and then surrender the outcome of his hospitalization to those trained to get the best result. Certainly while there, learn as much as you can, especially the care he is to get and make sure he gets it from the staff.

All the best to you both and as others have posted, our best wishes for eventual recovery are with you.

[Ijustwannateach]

Many people go through pain when loved ones are sick or lost, but gay people often have a harder time because of being closeted or having family members, coworkers, etc. who are basically s**theads.

At least in Thailand the laws are still relatively lax about hospital visiting rights- it seems that if you know someone's name, that gets you in. OP, one bit of advice is- as others say- visit and stay with your friend as much as practically possible. It's what a Thai partner, coworker, or even friend would be expected to do.

Don't get too worried- as you said, the results aren't in yet. Even if this is a false alarm, you may want to think about what you are reflecting on in the future- intimations of death can be a helpful reminder to us about our priorities towards others and ourselves.

If things do turn out to be as bad as you think... well, 38 is a young age for cancer. Since you are living together, you may want to consider risk factors (smoking? diet? stress?) that you both share (or those that you don't). Life changes will be in order for both of you no matter what happens after that.

Take care of yourself, too, and accept support from those around you- you may be surprised by some who offer. Best wishes that it's all just some inconvenient blockage or stomach bug, and sincere sympathies for the anxieties you are feeling.

[Nevo]

I was so scared about posting about this on this forum. I always hoped that a forum like this could be somewhere that people who had real problems could get some heartfelt advice. I have doubted this many times over the years. You have all have proved me so wrong. Thank you so very much for your support. I have some of the best friends you could ever imagine. Sometimes you just can not say what you really want to say with the 'bestest' of friends. Kdude your reply and pm was so nice........I thought about it all the time this morning on my drive to work, and ever since. Frenchtouch..... I promise I'm staying strong and positive. Prothaiexpert...thank god it's just not me. I was wondering if there was ever another happy (sic) ending!!

He's doing OK today. 'What did the Doctor say?' I asked. He said 'Let us all prey that you don't have cancer' Here, here from me. What a strange thing to say. The nurses are so 'A: typical. I worked in the Uk health service years ago. We always said there were two types of nurses. Dedicated..totally and the IDGAF types. (I don't give a......). He's got the IDGAF. It's not a cheap hospital. He told me today the nurse came in and said 'Oh, your saline is nearly finished' . And his saline did finish after 30 minutes. Two hours later the nurse came back. 'Why didn't you press your call bell to tell me your saline had finished ?' <deleted>?

I have to say though that despite all that, the treatment at the hospital and the staff, in general, has been very good.

I helped him shower again today. He hasn't eaten for three days so his stomach is quite flat. He said 'Look at this, ...can you see a difference?' And I could. The right side of his stomach looked really flat, but the left side looked almost swollen. 'Feel it' he said. So I did. There was a lump the size of a small egg. So my silent imagination went wild.'Oh that's the diverticulitus' I said. Not with a lot of conviction.

We did laugh though. There's this poor old man opposite who insists he is Thaksin Shinawatra and demands bed baths at 4 o'clock in the morning. Then complains that he's too cold. Today, he rang his call bell. The nurse came. 'What's the matter Mr Blahblah?' 'I need to speak with his Majesty on the telephone' he said..'Why' said the nurse. 'I have yellow shirt people living under my bed and they come at night to photograph my penis' he said.

Thank you all again.

[Frenchtouch]

I was so scared about posting about this on this forum. I always hoped that a forum like this could be somewhere that people who had real problems could get some heartfelt advice. I have doubted this many times over the years. You have all have proved me so wrong. Thank you so very much for your support. I have some of the best friends you could ever imagine. Sometimes you just can not say what you really want to say with the 'bestest' of friends. Kdude your reply and pm was so nice........I thought about it all the time this morning on my drive to work, and ever since. Frenchtouch..... I promise I'm staying strong and positive. Prothaiexpert...thank god it's just not me. I was wondering if there was ever another happy (sic) ending!!

He's doing OK today. 'What did the Doctor say?' I asked. He said 'Let us all prey that you don't have cancer' Here, here from me. What a strange thing to say. The nurses are so 'A: typical. I worked in the Uk health service years ago. We always said there were two types of nurses. Dedicated..totally and the IDGAF types. (I don't give a......). He's got the IDGAF. It's not a cheap hospital. He told me today the nurse came in and said 'Oh, your saline is nearly finished' . And his saline did finish after 30 minutes. Two hours later the nurse came back. 'Why didn't you press your call bell to tell me your saline had finished ?' <deleted>?

I have to say though that despite all that, the treatment at the hospital and the staff, in general, has been very good.

I helped him shower again today. He hasn't eaten for three days so his stomach is quite flat. He said 'Look at this, ...can you see a difference?' And I could. The right side of his stomach looked really flat, but the left side looked almost swollen. 'Feel it' he said. So I did. There was a lump the size of a small egg. So my silent imagination went wild.'Oh that's the diverticulitus' I said. Not with a lot of conviction.

We did laugh though. There's this poor old man opposite who insists he is Thaksin Shinawatra and demands bed baths at 4 o'clock in the morning. Then complains that he's too cold. Today, he rang his call bell. The nurse came. 'What's the matter Mr Blahblah?' 'I need to speak with his Majesty on the telephone' he said..'Why' said the nurse. 'I have yellow shirt people living under my bed and they come at night to photograph my penis' he said.

Thank you all again.

At least you haven't and won't lose your sense of humor...Very good! Besides, if your partner's neighbour is too much "off his rocker", why don't you get your friend a private room where you could stay at night. As someone said before, it's very common for family members here to stay overnight with their relatives. I have even had a picnic with at least 5 other people on the floor of his hospital room while I was visiting a friend... It was a bit surrealistic...

Don't focus too much on the IDGAF nurse and as you know since you live here, people don't like to lose face especially if it comes from a farang, so avoid all remarks about her lack of professionalism, she'll just hate you more and her attitude will worsen. Play the other game even if you'll hate it. Be nice to her, talk to her in a sweet way, buy her some "kanom" and who knows, her attitude may change in a positive way.

These silly souvenirs that Thai people like to offer to their colleagues when they visit another province, well, I bought a few each time I travelled and they have helped me a lot with arrogant or distant colleagues in my job. Now, LOL, they "love" me.

The good point is the the general health situation of your friend hasn't worsen. That's a good point. Now you have to wait for the exams and the results.

You may wonder why people take time to write to you even if we don't know any of you. Well, I must say I read your 1st message a few minutes after you had written it and it was so desperate for a word of compassion and understanding...but I was in a hurry and didn't have time to reply and I kept thinking while I was driving to work too "Someone needed help this morning and I didn't even take a few minutes to send a few words of kindness" I replied as soon as I got home later that day. Just the way I'd like someone to do it if I were in the same situation. That's all.

Take care, both of you.

PS Sorry for my broken English...

[Pawpcorn]

Dear Nevo,

I fully understand what you wrote, in background, about the power of the amazing feeling of reciprocated (cross-cultured) love, while being able to live within the freedom of a culture that has little or no negative bias against you two, for being gay. I have much the same background, and the same current relationship, and I've never been even CLOSE to being this happy, in my life, ever before.

But I want to stress one thing; In reading your message, I kept getting the feeling that you felt that your partner's illness was a certified "death sentence"; almost as though he had already passed away. Absolutely no offense intended, but it was almost like you were writing a eulogy . I KNOW you totally DREAD that possibility of not having him in your life, and it's certainly understandable.

But I want you to understand: Having serious problems in the area of the colon / large intestine is NOT a death sentence. In fact, these problems have a HIGH rate of successful treatment, and in all likelihood, are NOT related to cancer. My sister had a perforated colon, MUCH the same symptoms as you describe, with the same initial treatment... and the doctors ended up having to remove a portion of her colon.

This may SOUND horrendous... but it's not fatal. (dam_n painful, we can be sure of that!!)

SOooo... keeping this in mind... please, (hard as it may seem) try to mentally visualize this problem as being "fixable"; having a positive solution, with a completely cured and healthy result. Focus intensely and graphically on this visualization, and try to share this visualization with your partner. He should try very hard to have the very same graphic/intense/positive visualization. Some people may call it prayer, but in any case... both of you visualizing this as an infection and other solvable issues (like the removal of a portion of this diseased organ) can have a very positive effect, helping to heal himself, putting him on the path back toward health. (I could understand you being skeptical of this, but please try it; it really works.)

The other issues here are... the hospital; is it an "International Hospital"? Frankly... if it's NOT, it should be. I would only trust treatment here, in an "International Hospital", the ONLY place where the doctors and staff are expected to be up to snuff, up to the same standards as the best hospitals around the world.

Secondly... as someone mentioned before... Thais typically are very hesitant, shy and scared to be very direct with the doctors here; perhaps feeling intimidated, not wanting to seemingly "question" the doctor, and possibly not able to really understand the details of the medical situation, given the (so-called) "education" here in LOS. Therefore the doctors are NOT in the habit of being very talkative or informative, even with YOU, an intelligent, educated Westerner. PLUS they may speak or understand very little English.

The trick here, is to befriend the member of the staff whose job it is to directly help a foreigner, from start to finish, through the hospital experience. At the International Hospitals, there ARE these wonderful people, on staff. He or she should be able to make sure you both fully understand exactly what's going on, in detail, with your partner's body, and the details of the day to day related treatment.

As example, there is an International Hospital very near where I live, and every time I have some medical problem... Khun "Joe" greets me as I walk in, expedites all the paperwork / insurance / admitting procedures... then ESCORTS me to the doctor / Emergency room, and STICKS with me, through the entire procedure, translating everything spoken by either the doctors, nurses, or MY QUESTIONS, back and forth... flawlessly. It's frankly an amazing experience, and I'm pretty certain that "International Hospitals" in Thailand will have a compassionate, caring and competent person like this, on staff; usually stationed at or near "Admitting".

So there you go... POSITIVE visualization and attitude (for both of you), and being IN POWER, in control, in charge, and informed of the details of exactly what is happening.

I wish you both the very best, in this journey back to health, back to the happy, balanced, and well-adjusted life you two have together.

God's speed, to a rapid recovery. God bless you both.

Pawpcorn

[geriatrickid]

It aint over yet. Until the boys go in for a look and a biopsy. there is no point in tossing the towel just yet. These growths can be benign. Even if it turns out to be malignant, there is still hope. You will be surprised what the treatments today can achieve. Conditions that were terminal just 5 years ago can be managed. The key is to remain upbeat and positive. Sure, its easy for me to say since I'm not the one dealing with the crisis. However, I will tell you one fact that should encourage you to stay focused on getting through this. The patients that respond well to treatment are those that say they're going to beat it and that keep a positive outlook. I've seen enough cancer patients to believe it, so its not condescending claptrap. There are cancer survivors in Thai Visa that will tell you the same thing. You can do it. Don't lose faith and no matter how bad it seems, conditions can be stablized, pain managed and a quality of life preserved. No one is going anywhere just yet. 38 year olds usually respond well to treatment because they are young and strong. If you need access to facilities or a referral to a specialist, ask in the medical forum. There are plenty of people that have been through this and know who to see and where to go. Hang in there and stay strong.

[tombkk]

Nevo, your post started out as a very nice love story. Then the fear that you might lose the one and only. I don't how how probable that is, but it sounds like there is more hope that your fears will not come true.

Hang in there mate, and I cross my fingers for you and your boyfriend.Take strength in the love you have for each other.

[rickthailand]

I too would like to wish the both of you strenght and hope that you will have many many more happy years together.

rick

[Nevo]

Thank you. everyone, for your thoughts and help. You are all right about being positive. We really don't know what the outcome will be and when I'm with him, I am really positive. Just me dumping my dark thoughts on you all. Even if it's bad news, as you all say, the treatments now are incredible and the medical care here in Thailand can be world class. I take all your points and thank you again.

I think my fears spring from being young boy and my father (who I idolised) was taken into hospital with stomach pains. 'He'll be fine' my mother kept telling me. I went to see him everyday. Suddenly I was sent to stay with my grandmother.He died two days later from colon cancer complications. Now that was nearly 40 years ago. I realise that is subconsciously affecting me.

His infection is under control and he can come home today. We have to wait two weeks for his stomach to get strong enough ( really intense cocktail of anti's he's been given which can cause stomach lining weakness according to the Doc)for the colonoscopy/ biopsy.

I promise I will let you all know what happens.

Your support here has made a big difference to me.

[Pawpcorn]

Dear Nevo,

VERY very cool that he's coming home!!! That's such great news.

And great to hear that you're embracing the positive outlook approach... What about your partner? Is he taking the positive approach that he can "beat this" also?

I have a very good feeling that you are going to be a most attentive caretaker, for your hubby, when he comes home. I think your love for him is SO strong... it's SO powerful; it's beautiful, to hear you talk about him.

Please keep us posted, won't you?

My personal bet is on a perforated colon, and nothing to do with cancer. Please let us know.

God's speed to a healthy recovery!!

Pawpcorn

[kunjet]

Best wishes, hoping you can spend long lives together and meet again in your next life.

[Frenchtouch]

Good to hear your partner is back home.

Wish you all the best now for both of you.

It was nice to share some time with you.

Keep us updated when you know what was the real cause of the problem.

PS Was the nurse friendlier in the end?

[frodo77]

I fully endorse Pawpcorn's positive visualisation technique. I can assure you it does work - it did for me some years ago on something minor. Good luck with your partner's prognosis, hope all works out well for both of you.

[Kdude]

Thank you. everyone, for your thoughts and help. You are all right about being positive. We really don't know what the outcome will be and when I'm with him, I am really positive. Just me dumping my dark thoughts on you all. Even if it's bad news, as you all say, the treatments now are incredible and the medical care here in Thailand can be world class. I take all your points and thank you again.

I think my fears spring from being young boy and my father (who I idolised) was taken into hospital with stomach pains. 'He'll be fine' my mother kept telling me. I went to see him everyday. Suddenly I was sent to stay with my grandmother.He died two days later from colon cancer complications. Now that was nearly 40 years ago. I realise that is subconsciously affecting me.

His infection is under control and he can come home today. We have to wait two weeks for his stomach to get strong enough ( really intense cocktail of anti's he's been given which can cause stomach lining weakness according to the Doc)for the colonoscopy/ biopsy.

I promise I will let you all know what happens.

Your support here has made a big difference to me.

Dear Nevo,

How nice to hear that your Partner is going home. We will continue to keep you both in our thoughts and prayers. You really don't know how many "Friends" you have until something like this happens. Angels are found in the most unlikely places. Just know you are not alone and that we are here for you. From all the responses I read here you have many Angels already looking out for you guys. That says alot about the Gay community. We come together when needed. We are Family after all.

[Nevo]

Yes we really are a community. When the chips are down we can stand together.

Thank you all again so much for your thoughts.

Yes, the nurses were a lot nicer in the end

I promise to keep you all updated.

[dukkha]

@ Nevo....can only empahthise and offer support....ten years in thailand, and 5 of them with my partner...I had to return to Australia, colon cancer, rushed on a plane leaving him behind, a nightmare of one month in hospital...we had come to Australia together in 2007 and both returned, fortunately he got a tourist visa and after three months was here and is living with me waiting on a Spouse/Partner Visa..those three months were terrible although have a grop of dear friends here, but now I am doing ok and we are confident he will be granted said Visa...stay strong and hope that your partner recoverers speedily, my thoughts are with you.....Dukkha

[Nevo]

Well.....it's been a hellish three weeks. Today was the colonoscopy. The doctor assured us that there was no cancer, tumor or pre-cancerous ployps in any part of his colon right up to the stomach. So that was a HUGE relief. Complete understatement.

He does have an ulceration (which showed up on the CT scan) and an inflamed mid-gut. So still an infection. Not Khrones because I asked. They took a biopsy and that will be cultured by the path labs. It'll take a week and then we'll know what it is and the best way to treat it. Doctor said he was a little worried it might be T.B (??) I looked it up on line and really it says the most likely way of having this is if you are HIV positive. Which I know he isn't, thankfully. Makes me wonder if these doctors here sometimes give the absolute worst case scenario.

Guess we'll be laughing at our ageing bodies in the mirror for many more years to come and I'm looking forward to it.

I can't thank you all enough for your thoughts, support and heartfelt wishes. This might be cyberspace but I could feel them, really. That's what you call a community!

I hope nobody here ever has to go through this, but if you do, please don't be scared to post here. There really is a family of support. I can't begin to tell you how many caring P/M's I've had from people.

My best wishes to you all.

PS. We did laugh hysterically in the hospital lift after it was all over. They pump your stomach full of air to do a colonoscopy. The OT was on floor 10. A huge lift. Stopped on nearly every floor. He painfully managed to control himself breaking wind while the lift was moving but when it stopped at a floor the carriage jolted and he let rip every time for about 20 secs.About 20 people got in and out before we reached the ground floor.It was like the Benny Hill Show.

[remiss]

Glad to hear things are looking up!

Touching story, was waiting for u to let us know how it went. Thanks.

Regards

[buripuk]

Arrr, nice 1 Nevo. I'm glad to hear that he's alright. Good luck to the pair of you!

[tombkk]

Thanks for the update.

TB = Tuberculosis. No, you don't need to be HIV positive to get it. As opposed to common belief, TB is not restricted to the lungs. I know one guy who got it in his belly. Google knows more about it.

Anyway, TB is treatable these days with tough medical cocktails, and it takes 18 months or so until you're healed, if discovered in time.

My fingers remain crossed.