Wife Telling Fibs

[mark45y]

You mean all of you guys posting on Thai Visa are not looking to start a relationship here? Wow. Will wonders never cease!

[Senia]

it's a national thing, most of them do it. my hubby does it for no reason at all, sometimes I think it's to please me by saying something that he thinks I want to hear. To make me happy.

I am also Asian and have spoken to other non Thai Asians who are also perplexed by this behaviour .

[F1fanatic]

I'm the OP on this thread, and it's time to comment on the replies. Thanks for some 'sage' advice from genuine posters, and I offer my sympathy to a few sad individuals who seem to have such a poor regard for Thais and Thailand that it may be in their interests to go home. I mean who would want to live in a country where they had such a low regard for their hosts ??

If you read my original post correctly, my intention was ask people's advice on how to handle an issue that was was irritating me. I have known my wife for three years, she has been to my home country three times. She managed to acccrue 20,000 baht on one visit, (no, not by selling herself) and to my surprise, when we got back to Thailand she spent the lot on a gold necklace for me. In the three years, she has never asked me for a penny. I give her a sensible amount every month, as she has no other income. She often buys food or something for my condo or for me when she goes out. In her small way, she constantly tries to contribute to our lives. I do trust her completely in the material sense. Many will say that is foolish, but I cannot lead a sad life of mistrust. Having said that, as with any significant other, I do keep my financial affairs safe and protected, as I would with a partner of any ethnicity. Many men have been taken to the cleaners by their English/Australia/American wives. You do not have to come to Thailand to get fleeced. People forget that. Ask Tiger Woods!.

One poster kindly provided me with the lyrics of a Kenny Rogers song, now bearing in mind my wife isn't an 18 year old doll, but an average woman in her mid 30's, here are some other lyrics.......... If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife, so from my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you!!

Picking out the well meant advice from the nonsense, I think I will just choose to ignore the trivial lies, and accept the fact that they are not malicious, or with the intention of gaining something from me, but a combination of a reluctance to put herself in conflict or confrontation with me, and a cultural/peer influence. At the same time, I will keep my eyes open, as everyone should do in any relationship.

Oh, for the person who called me a "troll" After my name there are the following letters BSc Applied Biology, BSc Rural and Remote Health, MSc Rural Health. Troll ???

There you are then.

Thank you for explaining that you have educational qualifications so cannot possibly be a troll. It was an equation I hadn't previously appreciated - MSc = inability to troll.

Your wife lies, but you trust her implicitly ("I do trust her completely in the material sense"), but then again, you don't - ("whilst "I do keep my financial affairs safe and protected").

Personally, I can't wait to hear where you met your wife, how she was previously earning money and why she's now incapable of doing so. I'm also interested to hear how much you give her "the sensible amount every month".

Perhaps your original post was seriously asking for advice on how to tell your wife that you don't appreciate her lies - if so, the replies have pointed out that its unlikely you will be unable to do anything about it. Obviously we all consider those who agree with us to be offering "sage" advice, whilst anybody else should "go home".

Your views may have changed in a few years time....

[Senia]

My father once told me.he said son always tell the truth even if you got to make it up

Confucious he say : when in argument with women , always apologise

[andrewbkk]

If they lie they also cheat and if they cheat they also steal.

Bravo.

[Beetlejuice]

Why did the OP go away on his BD if it was so important to him?

For me, if you ain't got trust, you've got nothing.  

If it's all give and no take then what's it worth..?

How long u been married?

Where did you meet her?

Did she finish M3?

All these things could affect what is the right way to go.

How bad is the language barrier?

Is there a "brother" around all the time?Oooooh.. Thailand.  Millions come here and just get fuc_ked over..

You veal answer ze questions; Schweinhund.

Ve have vays and means of making you talk!

Edited March 11, 2011 by Beetlejuice

[glomp]

tell her worse lies and maintain the MAD balance.

of course your "mutually assured destruction" is nothing against the truly corrupted mind that can not lose face at any cost.......

[rixalex]

I have found that 30 to 40 year old women have quite high sex drives. I like variety she likes frequency.

If the relationship is open and the sex drive high, what makes you think she wouldn't enjoy frequency and variety?

[mark45y]

I have found that 30 to 40 year old women have quite high sex drives. I like variety she likes frequency.

If the relationship is open and the sex drive high, what makes you think she wouldn't enjoy frequency and variety?

Because she has a friend the same age who has both variety and frequency. Her comments about the friend have always been negative as far as the variety goes. I like the friend and we have known each other for a long time. Talking together I find myself on the friends side in most discussions.

Intellectually I am much more in tune with the friend and have encouraged the GF try some new experiences but she has turned down any opportunities.

I also listen to phone conversations when GF does not realize I am listening. She thinks when I am typing I can't listen. I wouldn't get bent out of shape either way actually so I have no real ax to grind.

I have always found it odd that most men insist on fidelity. I always thought what is good for the goose is good for the gander. Perhaps that's why I get lied to less or maybe not. At any rate it is not an important issue in my life. A calm home life and peaceful existence is far more important to me. She is 35 and I am 65. If she wants a little on the side, good for her. All of my needs are met and I am a happy camper.

[KeyserSoze01]

Maybe it was raining and so she turned her mobile off, hence why she couldn't call you (at the time when she did remember to call you), in which case she wouldn't be lying.

I know some people who live in the countryside have a belief that when it rains, you should turn off your mobile phone (A miscommunication about the effect of power surges from lightning I assume)

I had a Thai lady tell me that if you leave a cell phone on during a thunder storm, that they attract lightning...

[rixalex]

Intellectually I am much more in tune with the friend and have encouraged the GF try some new experiences but she has turned down any opportunities.

A three-way right? No harm is asking i guess.

[phuketrichard]

Thai's lie, its part of the culture and its a way to avoid losing Face.

[featography]

Live with it and understand that things like your birthday (and many other Falang things) do not register on her scale of importance.

The 'white lies' are a way of avoiding confrontation.

Read "Thailand Fever" together - or move on.

Bullseye on that one, Cardholder. This very subject is covered in Thailand Fever. OP, get the book and read it together. You probably wont change this habit, but you both will understand each other better. It is a non confrontational setting to make her aware of this and many other differences between farang/Thai. Its also fun to read together. Left pages, in English, right pages in Thai. I loved this book.

BTW, take all the negative input you get here, and trash can it. Opinions are like A holes, everyone has one, most of them stink, and they only fit the one wearing them.

[harrycallahan]

I had that exact same excuse from a girl, mobile phone wouldn't work because of the floods at a time when she was supposed to be meeting me.

That might have been true I don't know, but she's a very frequent liar and her lies are trivial and BIG.

How does OP know she doesn't have biggies too?

[khaowong1]

I love all these answers, most of them are quite funny. One thing I can advise you on is this, Thai's absolutely hate it when a farang gets another Thai involved in their affairs. Most Thai's will not ever talk to your wife concerning a personal problem. So forget that. Even monks don't get involved in marital problems. It's a no win situation.

[ThaiFelix]

This has absolutely nothing to do with "lying" in the Western sense but, as others have pointed out, is simply her way to avoid her losing face and you being offended because she forgot your birthday.

Don't make a big deal out of it.

Patrick

Exactly. Your sweating it like a Western woman.

I have no idea if my wife lies to me or not. I don't pay attention.

:lol: as he climbs back onto his chair!

[govoner]

I have always found it odd that most men insist on fidelity. I always thought what is good for the goose is good for the gander. Perhaps that's why I get lied to less or maybe not. At any rate it is not an important issue in my life. A calm home life and peaceful existence is far more important to me. She is 35 and I am 65. If she wants a little on the side, good for her. All of my needs are met and I am a happy camper.

also, lets not forget some guys get a bit of a buzz from the idea of their wives being pumped by another guy

[Ajaan]

She's Thai. Hopefully you knew this when you married her.

[pjclark1]

I love all these answers, most of them are quite funny. One thing I can advise you on is this, Thai's absolutely hate it when a farang gets another Thai involved in their affairs. Most Thai's will not ever talk to your wife concerning a personal problem. So forget that. Even monks don't get involved in marital problems. It's a no win situation.

I once asked the monks about a problem with a Thai lady.

Their advice was, "you are welcome to join us"

[PoolDoctor]

Don't forget - lying is not considered "bad" or un ethical in our sense. Sometimes its just a lazy way out of a pickle.

[tonydabbs]

It is part of Thai culture. It is called "Kreng Jai." (We call it a "white lie" in our culture.) The speaker is trying to make you feel better and avoid conflit. Thais consider it being polite. To me, it is one of the most maddening aspects of Thai culture. I first became aware of it many years in the States when I used to visit an Asian bar and sit with one of the Thai hostesses. She <U>asked me</U> if I would like to have dinner with her some time. We scheduled a date, time and place to meet. But she never showed up. She later explained to me that she was just trying to make me happy. She did make me happy; but I soon became very unhappy after waiting 2 hours for her to show up.

Edited March 13, 2011 by tonydabbs

[TheyCallmeScooter]

You believe telling the truth is most important. She believes making people feel comfortable and not making other people lose face is more important. You see black and white. She sees grey.

Which one of you is right?

Is there a wrong or right?

Apologies, but what an utter load of &lt;deleted&gt;. You know nothing about the motivators involved, I'm afraid.

I shall fix the above excerpt of your post so that it is correct.

"You believe her telling you the truth is the most important. Because you love her, you will probably happily tell her the truth - for now, or as long as you believe it's in your best interests to do so. She believes you're stupid enough to accept her idiotic, lazy lies - which she employs because she can't be bothered / doesn't care about you enough to think of better (more believable) lies. This is not really surprising, as her laziness / lack of respect was the contributing variable in the first place - it's illogical to assume someone lazy enough to forget to make a phone call, will then exert effort coming up with a believable excuse for why they failed to bother.

You see black and white. She doesn't even think about colours, she simply doesn't care.

Neither of you are 'right'. You are less wrong because you are negotiating from a position of strength and because you (currently) love her. Unfortunately, she is likely not bright enough to realise that she should be playing her cards with a lot more skill than she is, and this means you will likely both lose out.

There is a 'wrong' and a 'right', if only in terms of optimality. She is very wrong, because she's gonna push her luck in ways that will leave her smack out of luck."

Went to a marriage councilor in Oz some years back...she was hitting on me...pissed the ex off as I did not "see it" but she did??

No, she was not hitting on you. No, your wife did not "see it" or even imagine it. You were played. Quite brilliantly, I suspect. I could not tell you the exact reasons why you were so easily (yet craftily) manipulated, but they likely had something to do with your wife not caring for that counsellor (or for the counselling).

Your pissing into the wind on this.

Yup. But you're lucky enough to be given a wide variety of (mostly) intelligent, conflicting viewpoints - which, if you seize the golden opportunity, will enable you to limit the incoming spray.

Of course people don't have to speak all the time but they should have the ability to be able to express their thoughts and feelings, lack thereof prohibits what most people would consider a necessary basis for a healthy relationship.

But, if thats what you want in your life and for your kids future, go right ahead and marry someone you will never be able to communicate with properly. And again I said "properly."

If you need more clarification you are missing the point and I'm wasting my breath.

Bottom line; do whatever you want but don't be surprised when people look down on you and assume (in many cases truly) that you have bought youself a wh#re, plain and simple.

The gentleman you're (rather rudely) lecturing at simply desires something completely different than you do. I completely side with you, on what we hope for out of a relationship. I think sex is over-rated and (as you can probably surmise), I'm a talker and would be bored out of my mind in a relationship with someone who couldn't hold their own in an amusing, fast-paced conversation. But I completely side with the other gentleman's approach to discussing the opposing viewpoints. I did not see him rudely insult you for wanting a communication-based relationship...?!

You only degrade yourself when you assert that anyone who doesn't want what you want from a relationship....is somehow 'less intelligent' than you are or, or has married a 'whore'.

And...it has been my experience that people who worry too much about what other people think of them...aren't usually thought of very highly by those they wish to impress.

[Derifo]

Get used to white lies or break up and go home. Nothing you do will stop it.

That is the truth, and it will continue to get worse.

[TheyCallmeScooter]

It is part of Thai culture. It is called "Kreng Jai." (We call it a "white lie" in our culture.) The speaker is trying to make you feel better and avoid conflit. Thais consider it being polite. To me, it is one of the most maddening aspects of Thai culture. I first became aware of it many years in the States when I used to visit an Asian bar and sit with one of the Thai hostesses. She <U>asked me</U> if I would like to have dinner with her some time. We scheduled a date, time and place to meet. But she never showed up. She later explained to me that she was just trying to make me happy. She did make me happy; but I soon became very unhappy after waiting 2 hours for her to show up.

Yes, she insulted you and exploited your lack of intelligence and leveraged the gross disparity in relative desire to make YOU happy.

She did all that sweet, beautiful lying after standing you up....all for YOU.

It's part of Thai culture, because Thais (in stark contradiction to humanity, in general) care nothing for themselves, and are all about YOU.

You waited 90 minutes too long. She must have really blown you away. I'm sorry you were exploited (we have all been there), but YOU really have only yourself to blame.

[Derifo]

I feel that if I sat down with a Thai lady who speaks English and explained my concerns, then she sat down and relayed them to my wife, it might jolt her into stopping this Thai habit.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You mean, your wifes habit.

I don't think that's his wife's habit. It's common here. If you've ever taught Thai kids, you'd understand that it's a Thai thing.

It happened to me for seven years, and I tried to turn a blind eye to it because of love, but when her mother came to live with us after our daughter was born, I began to understand that it wasn't just my wife's thing. All my friends married to Thais have the same problem. Lying led to other things that I couldn't take. I actually suggested counselling many times, but she didn't want it.

We always talk about communication problem, and my wife often used that as an excuse to get out tight corners each time I pointed out to her that she was telling a lie because she said something else in the past, "You know I don't know English." In the 90s I lived in Eastern Europe and many foreigners who couldn't speak the local languages were married to women in their host countries. I really can't recall any of the people I knew then having the kinds of problems I and my friends had here, and the majority of those women back then were actually from very poor homes.

[mark45y]

Thais women like gold. Thai women like rings.

Why do you think that Thai women don't wear wedding rings?

[Derifo]

I'm the OP on this thread, and it's time to comment on the replies. Thanks for some 'sage' advice from genuine posters, and I offer my sympathy to a few sad individuals who seem to have such a poor regard for Thais and Thailand that it may be in their interests to go home. I mean who would want to live in a country where they had such a low regard for their hosts ??

If you read my original post correctly, my intention was ask people's advice on how to handle an issue that was was irritating me. I have known my wife for three years, she has been to my home country three times. She managed to acccrue 20,000 baht on one visit, (no, not by selling herself) and to my surprise, when we got back to Thailand she spent the lot on a gold necklace for me. In the three years, she has never asked me for a penny. I give her a sensible amount every month, as she has no other income. She often buys food or something for my condo or for me when she goes out. In her small way, she constantly tries to contribute to our lives. I do trust her completely in the material sense. Many will say that is foolish, but I cannot lead a sad life of mistrust. Having said that, as with any significant other, I do keep my financial affairs safe and protected, as I would with a partner of any ethnicity. Many men have been taken to the cleaners by their English/Australia/American wives. You do not have to come to Thailand to get fleeced. People forget that. Ask Tiger Woods!.

One poster kindly provided me with the lyrics of a Kenny Rogers song, now bearing in mind my wife isn't an 18 year old doll, but an average woman in her mid 30's, here are some other lyrics.......... If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife, so from my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you!!

Picking out the well meant advice from the nonsense, I think I will just choose to ignore the trivial lies, and accept the fact that they are not malicious, or with the intention of gaining something from me, but a combination of a reluctance to put herself in conflict or confrontation with me, and a cultural/peer influence. At the same time, I will keep my eyes open, as everyone should do in any relationship.

Oh, for the person who called me a "troll" After my name there are the following letters BSc Applied Biology, BSc Rural and Remote Health, MSc Rural Health. Troll ???

There you are then.

I think you are saying you have decided not to try to change the woman.

I think that is a wise decision for anyone in a relationship regardless of gender.

Its easier to change wife than change your wife

SC

I agree to that one.

[Derifo]

Thais women like gold. Thai women like rings.

Why do you think that Thai women don't wear wedding rings?

A million dollar question.

Mine took off her ring the very day I bought a car, and when I asked for it, she told me it was in the pawn shop. I found out it was hidden in the bedroom the day I threw her stuffs out.

[harrycallahan]

On the subject can some of the more experienced fellows comment on the following...

When a farang partner frquently tells his Thai partner little white lies because he wants to avoid conflict and not lose face is she totally cool with that? She is right? I mean, it's the Thai way, it's what they're used to and internally think that it's acceptable. Or are double standards apart of the 'Thai way' too?

[pjclark1]

It is part of Thai culture. It is called "Kreng Jai." (We call it a "white lie" in our culture.) The speaker is trying to make you feel better and avoid conflit. Thais consider it being polite. To me, it is one of the most maddening aspects of Thai culture. I first became aware of it many years in the States when I used to visit an Asian bar and sit with one of the Thai hostesses. She <U>asked me</U> if I would like to have dinner with her some time. We scheduled a date, time and place to meet. But she never showed up. She later explained to me that she was just trying to make me happy. She did make me happy; but I soon became very unhappy after waiting 2 hours for her to show up.

Greng Jai

Fear of giving offense

Lies might be involved, but it doesn't mean white lie.