Another Black Eye

[lappami1]

As for lappami1's posts, I think he was merely pointing out facts which a lot here misunderstood as him condoning.

Thank you for your kind understanding. I was getting fed up people calling me carbage and cave man etc. Maybe I can't explain myself clearly in english and I was provoked too by flat posts like "I don't hit women" and "I don't accept beating" and other self-evident things.

I know some violent guys and I'm too afraid this is still far from happy ending.

[Soph]

Meemiathai - I am fully aware of this, and I know that there is always a possibility of this escalating again. But quite frankly there is nothing I can do, I am not prepared to have to run away and leave the place I live and work and love - I have already lost my lovely house (and a tooth!)

So, as far as I can see, it is just best for me to play it calm, move on and stay away from him - no doubt he will get himself a new girlfriend sooner or later, as he cant bear to be alone.

If you can offer any other suggestions, apart from running away and letting a bully win, please do let me know.

[meemiathai]

Wasn't trying to be a smartarse. My message was blunt in order to keep you alert.

Be careful! And that's it.

"mai mee arai laeo!"

[Soph]

Wasn't trying to be a smartarse.  My message was blunt in order to keep you alert.

Be careful!  And that's it.

"mai mee arai laeo!"

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I didnt think you were being a smartarse at all, and I thank you for your sound advice, along with all other members who have offered kind words (or not so kind!) here.

Some may think its weird to go to a forum of total strangers when this kind of thing happens, but I find that, as im so embarrased about the situation on top of everything else, its alot easier to do it this way. Let me tell you, I have some apologies to make to a good friend of mine here on the island, as since this happened I have pushed her away - in denial.

[baht&sold]

Soph, well done on making the right first move. I'd echo Insight's and Boo's advice and decline all offers from your EX (get used to saying that) and completely sever ties.

Hard to say but you might have a co-dependency issue lingering here (ie: this sicko beats you 4 times and knocks out a tooth and you kept returning is the primary indication).

If so, the old adage 'wherever you go, there you are' may come back to haunt you in another relationship. I have a friend who went through a similar situation, she read some lit on co-depedency and she's doing great these days.

Here's some 'identifiers' of possible co-depedency (from coda.org):

Compliance Patterns:

I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.

I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.

I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.

I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.

I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.

I accept sex when I want love.

Control Patterns:

I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.

I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.

I become resentful when others will not let me help them.

I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.

I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.

I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.

I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.

-NOT saying this is you, just that some points seem to fit. Again, hard to get a true sense of someone thru a few posts. Hope you have a great future, seems you're already on the way, well done and keep going!

Edited October 27, 2005 by baht&sold

[Patsycat]

Get out of there, do not put up with it anymore, do not listen to his loving apologies. I've been there and got out, there is no excuse for a man to hit a woman - shout and scream arguments but no fistycuffs. There has to be respect and respect from a man to a woman is NO BLACK EYES OR BRUISES. I actually lost jobs because i could not go out. And i also used the excuse that i "walked into a door". NO MORE....

[britmaveric]

Soph - no offers to help w/your move. Infact don't let him know where you are moving to nor have any further contact with the bastard. Clean break and get out of dodge is the only sensible solution.

Good to know you are on the right track and you should get out and meet a few TV members for some laffs. I'm sure you need a few - mind you shopping does help!

[LadyinRed]

As for lappami1, all I can say is good luck to your partner. I wish the both of you happinness for all eternity.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

T..although you all very nice and non-violent people seem to think so.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

You're right, we're mostly nice folks here.

I sleep with a baseball bat, I got a big a$s BB gun, and I take up self defense classes. Does that make me non-violent?

Soph: You did real great

(P/S: this thread was to go on for you, not for some self-righteous crusader)

[thaibebop]

Well, I have been away for a few days, mainly shopping and picking up nice things for myself to make myself feel better (oh yep it helps!)  Spent some good time on my own thinking about things.

When I got back yesterday, he called me, so I told him I would like to meet him, but not in the house, somewhere public (not that that seems to make much difference to him)

I told him its is over, we cannot stay together another minute as im a young girl and dont want to die.  He sat there saying nothing at all, just tears rolling down his face.  The only time he spoke was to say that he understands that we cant be together, as he is basically a nutter, so he knows the crack and knows what needs to be done.

At one point he started bawling, saying what about me (him), what shall I do, where will I stay - which &lt;deleted&gt;*king annoyed me - he is Thai for gods sake, this is his country, deal with it, so I told him so.  This was the point I decided I couldnt give a toss about the loser.  And I realised that most of the time, I think I am just with him as I worry so much about what will come of him, as at the end of the day he is nothing and has nothing and will probably end up living on the street! (although he is also a lucky sod who always lands on his feet)

He has offered to help me move house and find someplace new, but im not sure if ill take him up.  He has also talked about leaving area, which I very much encouraged him to do.

So now all is calm and we are clear with each other.  Now I just need to be stong, not let him back in my life, and get on with being me on my own and with my independance.

Ladyinred, that could the end of the thread

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Applause, very loud.

[kayo]

I too -for want of repating other´s ideas - must echo the notion of not accepting ANYTHING at all... Help to move, or whatevr.. CUT IT OFF.... (I know you have, and respect to you for making hte hard move) ... My best waitress broke up with her boyfriend after ten years... spent a year her as a wonderful lively single woman, but longin to get back to CHile wher she comes from, to visit her parents...

As we are not wealthy, that was no way a possiblilty except by saving for maybe a year or two...

Her ex turned up here in guate a few months ago, and he hung around, but didn´t make any problems.

Now she is is going back to Chile... still as a single lady, but thanks to the "kind" offer of the ex-bf´s MOTHER, who is paying the flight and accomodation in Chile.

She accepted.

Silly Silly Silly Girl.

edit: and it pisses me off cause she´s one of the best.. A lot of our regulars come because of her charm and smile.

Edited October 27, 2005 by kayo

[paully]

Meemiathai - I am fully aware of this, and I know that there is always a possibility of this escalating again.  But quite frankly there is nothing I can do, I am not prepared to have to run away and leave the place I live and work and love - I have already lost my lovely house (and a tooth!)

So, as far as I can see, it is just best for me to play it calm, move on and stay away from him - no doubt he will get himself a new girlfriend sooner or later, as he cant bear to be alone.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Yes, that's exactly the way, Soph, stay away, ignore him and DO NOT give in or change your mind because 'he's being nice again'. Let the sad loser inflict himself on another unfortunate girl, not your problem any more.

[nongsau genie]

Well, I have been away for a few days, mainly shopping and picking up nice things for myself to make myself feel better (oh yep it helps!)  Spent some good time on my own thinking about things.

When I got back yesterday, he called me, so I told him I would like to meet him, but not in the house, somewhere public (not that that seems to make much difference to him)

I told him its is over, we cannot stay together another minute as im a young girl and dont want to die.  He sat there saying nothing at all, just tears rolling down his face.  The only time he spoke was to say that he understands that we cant be together, as he is basically a nutter, so he knows the crack and knows what needs to be done.

At one point he started bawling, saying what about me (him), what shall I do, where will I stay - which &lt;deleted&gt;*king annoyed me - he is Thai for gods sake, this is his country, deal with it, so I told him so.  This was the point I decided I couldnt give a toss about the loser.  And I realised that most of the time, I think I am just with him as I worry so much about what will come of him, as at the end of the day he is nothing and has nothing and will probably end up living on the street! (although he is also a lucky sod who always lands on his feet)

He has offered to help me move house and find someplace new, but im not sure if ill take him up.  He has also talked about leaving area, which I very much encouraged him to do.

So now all is calm and we are clear with each other.  Now I just need to be stong, not let him back in my life, and get on with being me on my own and with my independance.

Ladyinred, that could the end of the thread

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Good !!!

[seonai]

Soph,

Can I talk to you? I posted a similar thread a while back. Married to a Thai man etc etc etc. Things can change, it's all about the way you deal with it. Some may call it threading on eggshells but I just want to explain to you how I got it to work because I love my husband very much and I wanted it to work. Change is possible. Please PM me and I'll give you my number okay. Where are you? Phuket? Samui?

I am here or you. I don't know you but I have been in a similar situation and am now living with that situation having drawn up boundaries with my Thai husband.

I have to say that I posted on TV about it when I was desparate and people like Boo and many others were FANTASTIC help. But sometimes posting your problem publically gets too many replies and you feel confused.

Please PM me.

Seonai

[seonai]

sorry dreadful spelling - meant to say treading; and I am here FOR you

[Fast Eddie]

Do not let anyone convince you that giving a bloke who beats you a second chance is a good idea.

It is not.

No decent man would do this. Do not compromise with your future happiness.

There are many men out there who will treat you as you deserve to be treated without having to make allowances for their occasional episodes.

[Tyree D.]

Leave him. There are lots of Thai guys here. He is replaceable. My TGF just became abusive (she doesn't want me having friend and she thought I was flirting with a former student) and I had to tell her it was over. I can find a better one in no time flat just as you can find another Thai guy.

[Patsycat]

Isn't it "funny" when the men turn on the tears we become all mothering and forgiving but if we cry when they have lashed out at us they just tell us to "stop being silly"?

[Old Croc]

Isn't it "funny" when the men turn on the tears we become all mothering and forgiving but if we cry when they have lashed out at us they just tell us to "stop being silly"?

Tears always stuffed me up.

[ProfessorFart]

Well done for breaking off all ties Soph.

I'll echo a few sentiments (although i can't credit them to posters because I've forgotten who said what!!) which i have read here if I may.

Refuse utterly all offers of help moving from your ex and maybe even consider moving into a 'halfway house' for a few days (a hotel or a friend's place) in case your ex decides to follow you. Bear in mind that he may be able to trace you a lot easier than you may imagine.

Also should you weaken in your resolve, remember you have made the right choice, because as someone said, the spiral of violence in domestic violence cases only ever increases.

May I also say that I think it took an inordainate amount of bravery for you to post your troubles here. Whilst it is easy to dismiss advice from 'strangers' on a forum, it doesn't make those whom are giving you advice and support through this difficult time any less human.

I wish you well for the future.

[frond]

Same thing happened to TWO of my co-workers. One of them quit because she was battered pretty badly, shook up, and in hiding! The other went out with a Thai movie star and was pretty traumatized by the event.

Not sure why anyone stays in an abusive relationship. Some women do bbecasue they were abused as children and grow thinking that's the way relationships are.

They aren't.

Good luck in your new, healthy, safe life.

[Soph]

Were they Thai or Farrang these girls

[frond]

farang

[threekids]

My boyfriend beat me up very badly this weekend for the 4th time in 3 years which has unfortunately got me evicted from my house.  It was awful, traumatising and horrific.  The next day came all of the apologies and all that crap that comes with it.  And me being the weak willed person I am, lapped it all up and stayed with him for the day, partly because he was the only person being normal and saying nice things where as everyone else is telling me im crazy and I have to leave him and the rest.

I have a wonderful job here and would find it very difficult to leave, but really do think that the only way I can ever get away from this guy is by leaving the country.

I have a big group of friends from home coming to visit in January, so feel that I definately cant do anything drastic until then.

I am going away for a few days today to sort my head out, but I know that once he comes back round with all his charm, I will not have the power to tell him where to go, I wish I could say otherwise, but I know what I am like.

Soph

I can understand what your feeling but take it from me if you stay with this man your self esteem will plummit until you finally hit rock bottom.  I stayed with my second husband for 13 years and during that time the physical, mental and verbal abuse never abbated.  In the end he had me believing that the abuse was all my fault.  Of course for many of these years I ignored the fact that he is a total control freak whose love was conditional.  I made excuses for the black eyes and bruising he caused my body.  During this time I also allowed him to live his life as he wanted.  He spent very little time with my kids and me.  Looking back I realise that he did me a big favour by not being with us as I probably would have suffered more abuse.  I tried to understand what I was doing wrong. I tried to be the "perfect wife".  He was never happy with me.  I do blame myself for my naivity.  He hated his mother.  He hated her when she was alive and hated her when she died.  Always be aware of a man who hates his mother as this man will eventually see you as an extension of her. 

Because of years of abuse by him I eventually had to have a spinal fusion.  Two discs in my neck fell to pieces and had to be replaced with bone from my hip.  A metal plate with 6 screws was attached to the spinal cord to help it sit correctly.  Nowdays I cannot work as my medication is very heavy and I am bringing my daughter up whilst on a disability pension.  Money is very hard to find and I am battling.  And him - he's doing great.  I believe he has a different girlfriend on a regular basis and earning a very good income.  Of course he does not share this with his daughter.  I'm lucky my two elder sons help me out financially when I ask.  Don't allow this man in your life.  He will do his best to control your feelings and your actions.  He does not truly love you because he does not know how to love himself.  He will just continue to treat you with violence and distain because he knows no better and YOU CANNOT CHANGE THAT.  I hope you can make the break and stay away from him.       

  Im not really looking for any advise, as I know what I have to do.  Im really just looking for some more persuasion hopefully to give me the power to be strong and say no.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

[-=angel=-]

Just walk away, even if its raining... and don't ever look back...

[Patsycat]

I agree with the fact that these men often hate their mothers. My husband was the same, called his mother awful names, called his first wife awful names and called me awful names.... These men will never change. And are charming to others until they get you behind closed doors... So sad..

[Jeff1]

Eehh , You want it I breaka his face ?

Only a scumbag hitsa lady .

DUMP THE JERK !

[The Gentleman Scamp]

Eehh , You want it I breaka his face ?

Only a scumbag hitsa lady .

DUMP THE JERK !

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

She has.

Well done!

So what will you do now for male companionship?

[The Dude]

The Dude has sound advice for anyone who gets punched by a partner regardless of reason, LEAVE THE MFER IMMEDIATELY AND KEEP AWAY FROM SAID MFER. The Dude hopes his point got across. Getting beaten to a pulp is no way to go thru life, says The Dude. Do not, I repeat do not go out and purchase guns and baseball bats as others have suggested (you can't buy a baseball bat in this country anyhow, wish you could, I'd like to play sometime). Do not engage said MFer in violence, just keep away. Leave all worldly possessions behind and come back later with a protective team of your own nonviolent MFers if there are items which belong to you. If a house is part of the belongings then write it off. That was a risk you took when purchasing in a foreign land. Again, may The Dude stress to anyone punched by a partner, get as far away from said MFer as possible as fast as possible no matter what. I'd like to hand out shovels to everyone on this thread in order that they can dig what The Dude is advising.

Edited November 16, 2005 by The Dude

[Jeff1]

Eehh , You want it I breaka his face ?

Only a scumbag hitsa lady .

DUMP THE JERK !

She has.

Well done!

So what will you do now for male companionship?

Im sure she can find another nice guy with no problem at all . Do you know any ?

But after all that im not sure she would want to jump into anything new to soon .

I hate to hear stories like this , it brings back very bad memories of me seeing my father beating my mother when I was a kid .

[Soph]

No plans on finding a new man just yet Enjoying being with myself at the moment and putting alot of time into work and my house and garden, and of course my other friends here - espcially the ones who didnt like being around too much when I was with him. That kind of stuff. I aint got time for no man (this week anyway!)