Another Black Eye

[Soph]

My boyfriend beat me up very badly this weekend for the 4th time in 3 years which has unfortunately got me evicted from my house. It was awful, traumatising and horrific. The next day came all of the apologies and all that crap that comes with it. And me being the weak willed person I am, lapped it all up and stayed with him for the day, partly because he was the only person being normal and saying nice things where as everyone else is telling me im crazy and I have to leave him and the rest.

I have a wonderful job here and would find it very difficult to leave, but really do think that the only way I can ever get away from this guy is by leaving the country.

I have a big group of friends from home coming to visit in January, so feel that I definately cant do anything drastic until then.

I am going away for a few days today to sort my head out, but I know that once he comes back round with all his charm, I will not have the power to tell him where to go, I wish I could say otherwise, but I know what I am like.

Im not really looking for any advise, as I know what I have to do. Im really just looking for some more persuasion hopefully to give me the power to be strong and say no.

[SiamOne]

Soph, so sorry for that. Being in an abusive relationship is awful, especially if you love the guy and want everything to be like he promises.

But he is violent and can be dangerous. How do you manage to forgive after being beaten, you must be brave girl.

I cannot tell you to leave, but all those reasons you gave are nothing, you know that, just excuses and not important. maybe you are shamed by him, and don't want people to know.

It is up to you, but next time (and there will be a next time), he may seriously hurt you, really bad.

He is a control person probably, you will never grow and be who you want to be with him, never really happy

good luck, make the right decision

[lampard10]

My boyfriend beat me up very badly this weekend for the 4th time in 3 years which has unfortunately got me evicted from my house.  It was awful, traumatising and horrific.  The next day came all of the apologies and all that crap that comes with it.  And me being the weak willed person I am, lapped it all up and stayed with him for the day, partly because he was the only person being normal and saying nice things where as everyone else is telling me im crazy and I have to leave him and the rest.

I have a wonderful job here and would find it very difficult to leave, but really do think that the only way I can ever get away from this guy is by leaving the country.

I have a big group of friends from home coming to visit in January, so feel that I definately cant do anything drastic until then.

I am going away for a few days today to sort my head out, but I know that once he comes back round with all his charm, I will not have the power to tell him where to go, I wish I could say otherwise, but I know what I am like.

Im not really looking for any advise, as I know what I have to do.  Im really just looking for some more persuasion hopefully to give me the power to be strong and say no.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Can we have some more of the story? Are you Falang and boyfriend Thai, are you Thai and boyfriend Falang, both Falang or even both Thai. Without a little insight there is nothing anyone can say.

[Soph]

I am a falang girl, he is a Thai guy (of course!) we have been together 3 years, but he has only been like this for the last 6 months. Thats really about it - oh and I love him very much - when he is not like this, he is an absolute angel, very funny, very attractive, takes good care etc etc....

[sriracha john]

As abuse most often spirals upwards, what lies in store for your future?

As of now, you've been beaten severely and evicted.

Sorry, but to be blunt... will you still be alive in January when your friends come to visit?

[jimbob]

I am a falang girl, he is a Thai guy (of course!) we have been together 3 years, but he has only been like this for the last 6 months.  Thats really about it - oh and I love him very much - when he is not like this, he is an absolute angel, very funny, very attractive, takes good care etc etc....

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

You should consider taking some time away from him. A week with friends in a different province. Let him know he needs time to think about what he did.

Counselling is an option but with Thai culture I am not sure how effective it would be, depending on the person.

[taxexile]

My boyfriend beat me up very badly this weekend for the 4th time in 3 years which has unfortunately got me evicted from my house. It was awful, traumatising and horrific.

i think you need to get out of this relationship and get out now , whilst you still have some self esteem and pride.

unless you enjoy being a bullys spineless punchbag , which we know you dont , so why stay.

its time to be pragmatic and to turn off your luvvy dovey emotions for a while.

go back to your place (with some friends) and pack up everything and leave him.

although statistics show that many women tend to remain in violent relationships for longer than they should , i urge you to buck the trend , and leave him forever.

whatever brought on this attack is neither here nor there.

violence such as you have described in a relationship should not be tolerated under any circumstances.

you should also bring this attack to the attention of the local police.

i wish you the strength to be able to do what you know is correct.

good luck.

[girlx]

it sounds like you will ignore any advice we can give you, so good luck. abusers do not stop abusing, especially without counselling, and that is not really an option in most of thailand. there are plenty of other handsome, fun, and kind men out there who will respect you enough not to beat you up. you are allowing yourself to be a victim, and that means you are weak. it's up to you alone to change that. you need to quietly gather your stuff and disappear now, not in january. he will apologize and be sweet, of course, but he can not mean that he loves you if he hurts you like that, and you should not fall for it even for one second. be strong, this is not a situation you can mold to your desires, you are better off rid of it. take a train or bus or plane to a nice island somewhere, recuperate a bit, then make your next move to a new life, new adventures! plenty of people around to help you, if you let them.

[girlx]

p.s. did you get the police involved? if it ever happens again, do it. the police in thailand usually side with the female in cases like this. i have 2 thai male friends who in the past had problems with beating their farang women. the women got them locked up for it. it scared them so much that they haven't touched the girls again for 3-4 years. maybe a better alternative to counselling in thailand is putting fear of legal action into them.

[Soph]

No police involved, although I would have if I had of got the chance - my phone was also broken in this. At one point I ran into the 7 11 and asked them to call the police, but they just turned the other way, as did all the other people around, not wanting to get involved. By the time things had calmed down, it wasnt the right time to call the police, although at this point I really really do wish he would get locked up, I feel that is the only way to stop this sh#t

[naomisri]

Remember you have the power if you choose to take it. If you keep allowing him to do this to you you are giving him the power - teaching him that you are worthless and he can do what he likes with you. Take back the power that as a person is rightfully yours. Protect yourself and show him you are worth something. Start taking care of YOU. People can only take as much of you as you give them.

[nongsau genie]

Hi Soph,

Please dont do this to yourself, get out while you still can, i know its easy for us to say it, but you have to take some actions yourself before everything goes from bad to worst. Just remember tigers never changes their stripes. You have to love yourself first before loving others.

genie

[BambinA]

Im not really looking for any advise, as I know what I have to do.  Im really just looking for some more persuasion hopefully to give me the power to be strong and say no.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

well ..how can i say more

please take care yourself ..and hope your BF realize he did wrong and dont do it again

hugs you

BB

ps.. i have never had the experience like this b4 ..and i cant stand with guy who beat girl up, if i had BF who beat me, i 'd leave him asap

Edited October 24, 2005 by BambinA

[cdnvic]

Hate to sound blunt but you can keep making excuses for him until you're dead. Any so-called man who has to use force to get what he wants from a woman is a lame excuse for a man, and you deserve better. Stop being a voluntary victim and move on.

cv

[LadyinRed]

After the first time, ok, you may want to give him a chance.

After the second time... (didn't this happen before?)

Now you had it FOUR times. Girl, are you blind?

I left my ex after the second time. I was terrified and alone but I did what I had to do, despite our newborn son being only a month old at that time. I went to the hospital to get myself checked but I chickened out at the police station. I told my friends to take me home - I packed, and moved out the same day with my son. I never looked back since, even though he has been trying till today to get me back.

Having done that however, it took me more than 1.5 years to have the confidence to go out and have a social life again. I would not let ANY guys come near me back then. And I only had to endure the beating twice. How could you put yourself through this FOUR times?

Now I sleep with a baseball bat, my house has 2 big bags of procelain pellets for my semi-automatic laser-guided BB gun, I'm keeping myself fit and checking into a self-defense class.

I'm a single-mum but a happy one, because I will never have to live under the fear that he will hit me again. You should do the same.

[Soph]

Thanks for the replies guys, and I do hear what you are saying. Im sure that if this was going off in England I wouldnt stand it for a second. But here, its like I feel I am so dependant on him - getting around, someone to go out with (I dont know too many people - probably cos they think he is a tw@t)

Anyway, I have a week to find a new house, and im going away for a few days. When I get back, I am going to tell him its over and I will move to the other side of the island.

I feel like it is going to be very difficult - like who is going to help me move house, and who is going to be with me through it all - it should be him, but I know it cant be.

Hopefully there will be no problems. I do have some good friends who im sure will help me out. I just need to be independant again. That is all it comes down to, and then I dont need him at all.

[LadyinRed]

Soph, take this chance to build your own independence. NO ONE needs a Thai partner just to get around, move house, etc. Make a lot of Thai friends instead. Learn to speak a bit of Thai and see how your Thai friends can help you improve in that language.

Moving house is only the superficial part. The most difficult part, in my opinion, is putting your broken pieces of life back together again. I had to do that in both physical and mental form, not to mention being a new mother and all, without my family around me at that time, and the fear of him coming back to burn down the house while I sleep.

All these are over now. I'm not bound by the fear anymore. I'm free because I've set myself free. It takes a while, but the only winner that will emerge at the end of it, is you.

Good luck, and share with us if you need any support, or if you just want to b1tch about something

[BambinA]

I feel like it is going to be very difficult - like who is going to help me move house, and who is going to be with me through it all - it should be him, but I know it cant be.

Hopefully there will be no problems.  I do have some good friends who im sure will help me out.  I just need to be independant again.  That is all it comes down to, and then I dont need him at all.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

i understand what you mean .. but as you said you have friends..and i reckon they want to help you badly

anyhow flash back .. when you left from Farangland to TH , you did it all by yourself (and you passed it!!) methinks that time must be the big change of you life.. so i believe that you will pass this situation witout any prob, even you have to leave there alone, and he does not help you

..you might be more tired ... but it's not that hard

cheers

Bambi

[Soph]

Its true - the excuses are all superficial and sound pretty pathetic when I say them. But I have come to rely on him so much, its just stupid - of course I can pack up and go and rent a bike and be on my own, its just quite scary thinking of going somewhere where I dont know so many people. But please watch this space.

[SiamOne]

Its true - the excuses are all superficial and sound pretty pathetic when I say them.  But I have come to rely on him so much, its just stupid - of course I can pack up and go and rent a bike and be on my own, its just quite scary thinking of going somewhere where I dont know so many people.  But please watch this space.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

If you are anything like your avatar, then no problem!!

be brave, you will find out that life will be better and more happy

[mrsbaggins]

Soph, my heart goes out to you. Many years ago I was in the same situation but in the end I broke free and with a small child that wasn't easy but i did it. It takes a lot of courage to walk away and stay away and I hope you can find the courage to do it. Strangely enogh when i got married again that one was violent too!!! I can look back now and look at it in a different way but you have to take the first step which is always the worst. Good luck.

[britmaveric]

Soph - use your feet and get the hel_l away from him as quickly as you can. Change your mobile # and don't tell him. I'd move to someplace else in Thailand if you are able or better yet leave the country. Problem w/abusive relationships - person ends up stalking the other, so be very careful Best of luck and keep us posted on how you are getting on.

[lappami1]

if i had  BF who beat me, i 'd leave him  asap

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

It's easy to say when you don't know how much she loves him.

[BambinA]

if i had  BF who beat me, i 'd leave him  asap

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

It's easy to say when you don't know how much she loves him.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

i know it's easy to say (as when we have to quit a relationship with someone..if it's not happend with me, ofcourse i dont know how much i hurt)

but... i still insist on my word .. i'd leave him asap (yes, i dont know when ..but i wont just stay and wait he beat me again and again)

so..if it was happend with you, what would you do ..if your GF beat you , threaten you, feed duck and wanna remove your thing? (ok even you love her so much) - (are you a guy,right?)

BTW lover should not beat his/her partner(if they love each other indeed...ok except sadism couple) ... so what will you do if you love someone ,but he/she does not love you , and dont treat you well ??

Edited October 24, 2005 by BambinA

[Guest endure]

if i had  BF who beat me, i 'd leave him  asap

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

It's easy to say when you don't know how much she loves him.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

She doesn't 'love' him. How can you love someone who beats the cr*p out of you? She's given herself victim status and the sooner she takes control back the better. Unless she wants to be dead, of course.

[lappami1]

I agree it would be wise to leave an aggressive husband but it's difficult not to listen to your heart. Her husband beats her up once in a while so what? She told that her husband is a very nice loving man at other times. I would rather ask women leave their dull and boring non-beating husbands. I think Soph should consider carefully gains and losses but she can't count on he'll give up beating. They rarely do!

[lappami1]

so..if  it was happend with you, what would you do ..if  your  GF  beat you  , threaten you,  feed duck and  wanna  remove your thing?

I've once left GF that was violent and unpredictable but I didn't love her. I think I wouldn't fall in love with a violent girl but I don't know what if GF turned out to be violent after long and loving relationship. I think that's what happened to Soph, am I right?

[siamesekitty]

Im not really looking for any advise, as I know what I have to do.  Im really just looking for some more persuasion hopefully to give me the power to be strong and say no.

I'm sure you know what to do, both in your heart and with all the advice everyone is giving you (online and in your personal life). I just hope hope hope and pray that you will be strong enough to break away. And please stay far far away from him. I don't think just the other side of the island would be enough.

When he comes around with sweet words and charm, try to stay strong, and just remember that other side of him. Keep in mind your own words, "It was awful, traumatising and horrific."

Ask yourself, is this temporary "loving" worth another round of that? and more?

Wishing you the best of luck - and willpower.

[Boo]

Soph, Take photgraphs of your injuries & also write a beating journal of all the bad feelings you are having right now & when he comes crawling around to try to get back together, look at those photos & read the words & remember how it felt when this man humiliated you & caused you enough pain that you had to talk about it on a website. Do you really think you will want him back? I hope you aren't stupid enough to consider it.

[Guest endure]

I agree it would be wise to leave an aggressive husband but it's difficult not to listen to your heart. Her husband beats her up once in a while so what? She told that her husband is a very nice loving man at other times. I would rather ask women leave their dull and boring non-beating husbands.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

So you think that an exciting husband who beats you up occasionally is preferable to a boring husband who treats you with respect?