Thai Wife Says She Doesn'T Know Thailand Any Longer

[ThaisGood]

When we first married 15 years ago and moved to USA I was told by various people that within 2-3 years my wife would be "Americanized". Well I never thought of her as Americanized. She's Thai all the way but she loves a lot of things about this country.

For various personal reasons I am pretty determined that we all move to Thailand, with our 3 kids, for 6 months+. My wife says, about this plan, "I don't know Thailand any more". She seems to be disillusioned about Thailand. She reads Thai Rath online and must focus on any bad news. She is really negative about her country's safety. Our daughter, who is nearly 15 and has all of the classic Thai/Farang good looks, is probably going to attract the most attention, but I say "so what". My wife thinks our whole family is going to be miserable if we go to Thailand, because of these safety concerns.

My idea is to settle in an area with some international community, such as Pattaya region, so our kids will have others to socialize with.

Not too long ago I took our daughter for 3 weeks in upcountry Thailand. We rented a motorcycle and stayed in little resorts and just had a great time exploring. As it is now, the same as when I lived in Thailand 20 years ago, I felt sabai all the time and never worried about my safety except for of course driving carefully to avoid accidents. A few days after we started this trip, my wife on the phone said she was frantically worried about us in Thailand and could hardly sleep. She was convinced someone would kidnap us, or jump out from behind a tree and steal my gold necklace, or just kill us for any reason. It just sounded insane to me, and I mentioned it to my wife's family in Thailand. They think it's not necessary to worry like this.

Any advice on how to discuss with my wife these issues. She seems to be warming up to the idea very slowly but the bizarre safety issues are always on her mind.

Edited October 2, 2011 by ThaisGood

[ludditeman]

Not Pattaya!

Everywhere else appears fine, as far as I have seen.

Wherever you get the most tourists, you seem to get the worst behaved locals and the most criminal types.

Hua Hin, Chiang Mai, Chang Rai all seem much better family places with an international feel but without the 'in your face' sleeze.

Outside the tourist areas the 'criminal' Thais don't seem to target foreigners.

You might want to get your daughter a short hair cut as the Thai schools enforce this style on underage girls. It's a big 'hands off' sign to the local boys.

Edited October 2, 2011 by ludditeman

[MikeyIdea]

ThaisGood, the more I read what you write, the more I think that your wifes' reaction is out of place and does not make sense

You left Thailand 20 years ago, I have been living here the last 20 years and I am raising my daughter here. We both feel the same and it is a correct feeling; Sabai and never worried about safety

First - Where to settle: I would say that there is reason to worry a bit in the Pattaya region - not the same as it was 20 years ago. I like what ludditeman writes - Wherever you get the most tourists, you seem to get the worst behaved locals and the most criminal types. Very true. I find many Thais in Pattaya to be unpolite and not as much Thai as I would like. Certainly a place to avoid and I think you would be (a bit) disappointed with your 6 months in Thailand if you choose to stay there. Chantaburi, Rayong, Hua Hin are all nice provinces by the sea and much better choices

But what about the wife? As always when things don't make sense, look wider. Is the reason really personal safety? What more can it be? Her family? Young lover for you? Boy friend for the older daughter? Thais assuming that she was working nighttime? You write that your wife got on the phone, sounds like she didn't go with you

Solution? Find the complete set of reasons and let her suggest how to address it. If it doesn't work that well, firmly confirm that going to Thailand for 6 months will happen and guide her to come up with how to make the stay safe and enjoyable for the family. If that doesn't work either, ask help from her family to have a chat with her, the mother will know the real root cause I would think. I think that the more the wife is involved in planning and coming up with arrangements, the more likelyhood of success

Sounds great for the family and the kids, good luck

[meatboy]

my wife after spending 20years in the uk can not believe what is happening in los today,our plan was always to move here on retirement,we do feel safe as long as you dont get involved in quarrels,we have no children to worry about,i will not drive on the roads my bp.wouldnt allow it,and for the op to fancy patts.he must be out of his mind anywhere bar a tourist area.and yes i was in patts.puket.samui 25years ago,[heaven]not any more.come to isaan.

[thaiIand]

are you well off? You could go around koh yai they have a decent international school so that your kids dont become dumb and its far enough from civilization to still be sabai yet its still a "short' drive to bangkok/pattaya

If you move to a major city, everything your wife said is true. The people that dont see it are often too poor or "out of it" to notice. Major metropolitan area are closer to new york before the cleanup than anything else in terms of safety and worse in dirtiness.

[Blackandwhite]

Wow, Thailand is changing as is everywhere, consider pointing out to your wife the dangers as they are in all countries, such as here in the Uk kids are killing kids and kids are killing adults, there is no control over much here these days. Thailand is changing but if you consider most who go to Thailand to live or on holiday experience little in the way of danger unless you look for it. Not sure Pattaya is a good place to settle but that could be your choice, maybe consider an extended holiday with just you wife to have a good look about to see how she feels. My daughter is also mixed race and very pretty due to looking very different to her school friends this concerns me here in the Uk as it would in Thailand the difference being there is an abundance of very attractive ladies and young people in Thailand it is quiet normal to see dozens of very pretty and attractive people around so the chance of your daughter being in danger due to her good look in Thailand could be considered less of a risk in Thailand as in your own country. Good luck

[WebBangkok]

lol

DO NOT TAKE THEM TO PATTAYA

Plenty of great places in Bangkok for your family, especially if you can afford to take them to an international school

[ThaisGood]

Thanks for the input. I appreciate the concern about Pattaya. I have not been there for a very long time but I recall there were housing areas that had an international presence. Maybe we will settle in Ang Sila, as I like that area, and my wife has some family around there.

My wife is probably just afraid of change but I want to get out of here. I think she believes the kids are getting some amazing education here, obviously it's better than formal Thai education. We live in a nice area, people promote that a big advantage of living here are the schools. I think the kids will get much more practical experience by living in Thailand however, and we'll do a bit of exploring nearby countries.

I would not consider us wealthy, as I am still somewhat KEE NEO, and so is my wife. We don't like to be flashy but we can afford most things we want. We saved up over some years, and bought a big piece of land (about 10 acres, or 25 rai?). Not much debt on it. We have a nice home here and big barn and garage, farm animals, etc. One of the largest pieces of land around. There are hundreds of thousands of people in this county but very few own land like we do. My wife does love the land. I have no intention of selling it, but I want out of here. I have a staff person who will caretaker it, we're going to lock up the house and leave. My wife I love her dearly but over 15 years she has filled this place up with "STUFF" and I am just getting so disgusted with the stuff. Every room is full of clutter, this is not a Thai problem because so many locals here live like this. I clean it out, and she fills it right back up. I want to get out of this rat race and go back to a simple life in a small home with no property to take care of, a few chairs and a table and that's it. My wife knows I can minimize and be content. I don't need stuff. Also, I can earn up to US$90k and have no tax, because I am overseas. I believe I need to spend at least 11 months overseas to get that exemption. That is my goal.

It is funny that someone suggested my wife might not want to move because others would think she is a former working girl. I suppose that is an issue for some Thai ladies. My wife is the daughter of a Bangkok "na yai" who had a big sense of humor. He was well known among a group of merchants there in Yaowarat. My wife is a walking comic, full of jokes, and good personality, and she is not a hot looker. Chinese-Thai and a bit chubby, and she just looks like a mom not a former bar girl. When I married her she was a little doll but you know, we all get old. We have traveled back to Thailand as a family over the years and nobody gives her a second look, for being with a farang and having luk krung.

We can pay for international school but I don't think it's a good value. I am planning to setup homeschool. I have a 12 month visa so that base is covered. Really looking forward to coming to Thailand.

[bkk_mike]

You'll be taxable in Thailand on any money you earn that year (all of it if it's earned in Thailand, only what you bring into the country in the year it's earned if you earn it outside Thailand AND you're in the country more than 6 months of the year).

I know home schooling is legal in the US, but I'm not certain it's legal in Thailand. (If you're daughter's already passed the mandatory school age, that's probably not an issue though.)

[rotary]

It is much safer in Thailand in general than in the USA. With that high drug and crime rate in the USA with 14 trillion dollars in debt your wife does not think the USA is a mess?

Come to Thailand, while not perfect it is much cheaper than the USA and a better place to live in general. The USA is becoming a nanny state anyway and sinks further every day.

[thaiclan]

You'll be taxable in Thailand on any money you earn that year (all of it if it's earned in Thailand, only what you bring into the country in the year it's earned if you earn it outside Thailand AND you're in the country more than 6 months of the year).

I know home schooling is legal in the US, but I'm not certain it's legal in Thailand. (If you're daughter's already passed the mandatory school age, that's probably not an issue though.)

Yes HomeSchool is a legal and valid option for Thais, mixed race and foreigners, There are many Thai's who homeschool (Google will help you find many homeschool clubs around Thailand).

In my homeschool group we have 2 x 100% Thai's and they never had any problem leaving their Thai local school to join our British curriculum homeschool group.

[IMA_FARANG]

My wife I love her dearly but over 15 years she has filled this place up with "STUFF" and I am just getting so disgusted with the stuff. Every room is full of clutter, this is not a Thai problem because so many locals here live like this. I clean it out, and she fills it right back up. I want to get out of this rat race and go back to a simple life in a small home with no property to take care of, a few chairs and a table and that's it. My wife knows I can minimize and be content. I don't need stuff. Also, I can earn up to US$90k and have no tax, because I am overseas. I believe I need to spend at least 11 months overseas to get that exemption. That is my goal.

Do you see what you said there?

That "STUFF" you mention is your wife's prize possesions, her refuge, and what makes her feel happy.

That's what is important to HER.

My Thai wife is in her 60's and I know exactly that very problem.

That "stuff" is what your wife uses to justify her existance, it's daily proof to her that her life and the choices she made has been the correct ones.

Take my warning...and attemot to force her to abandon that "stuff" and you risk a lot.

-----------

On the other hand if you find a way to bring some of that "stuff" to thailand...she can set up her little kingdom and her shelter here in Thailand....which she may really like.

If you do have family in Thailand you should consider living near them if it is at all possible. That should help her transition to living in Thailand. But let her decide on that.

------------------

I'm guessing your in your late 40's or early 50's? That's the years when males start feeling bored with their everyday life...and remember what it was like to be younger and "free" to do whatever they wanted.

But look back honestly, and see what it was really like. Would you really want to start all over again...or is that just wishful thinking on your part?

-----------------

Anyway, you and your wife will have to talk over the decision...because you and her have different purposes here.

[thaiclan]

Great post ima_farang :-)

[meatboy]

my mrs.when she lived in the uk.collected clothes and shoes over 20years and never threw any away,every cupboard,wardroap under the bed you name it she would hoard it,when we left uk.she packed 30boxes shipped it over,guess where the rest went,in the loft of our house so she can get it when she goes to visit,now she doesnt like spending money

[Gers1873]

Consider the following written without prejudice:

Thailand is not a cheap country to live.

Education for your daughter at an international school will be expensive.

Health care is a bit 'hit and miss' and not what you would be accustomed to in the US

Some posters reccomend staying near her family --- be aware as a farang you will be expected to 'buy merit' for your wife - constantly.

If you want to live in an area with international schools and medical facilities your choices will be restricted.

Your wife 'may' also find that she has 'changed' and what she once 'accepted as the norm' in Thailand may frustrate the hell out of her. She may also have become more confident and outspoken which may 'not endear' her to the locals

good luck whatever you decide.

[Gers1873]

deleted wrong thread

Edited October 12, 2011 by Gers1873

[Ijustwannateach]

No places where tourists are common or where there is a settled tourist or foreign 'community'.

Otherwise sounds like you've got a good thing going!

[Kadafi]

Is this a joke? how would you be able to take 3 kids out of school in england for 6 months+ including a daughter who is nearly 15 and will have her GCSE's next year. Your telling me you would disrupt your whole family just so you can go and sit on a dirty beach in pattaya! You dont care your wife doesnt want to go, you dont care old falangs will be perving at your daughter, this cannot be for real.

[thaiIand]

Is this a joke? how would you be able to take 3 kids out of school in england for 6 months+ including a daughter who is nearly 15 and will have her GCSE's next year. Your telling me you would disrupt your whole family just so you can go and sit on a dirty beach in pattaya! You dont care your wife doesnt want to go, you dont care old falangs will be perving at your daughter, this cannot be for real.

No it is.. this is why i only have 2 friends in this country and really dont want to meet anyone else anymore. Parents at school make me cringe and i almost weep for them everyday at pickup time.

Edited October 23, 2011 by thaiIand

[Benjie]

Is this a joke? how would you be able to take 3 kids out of school in england for 6 months+ including a daughter who is nearly 15 and will have her GCSE's next year. Your telling me you would disrupt your whole family just so you can go and sit on a dirty beach in pattaya! You dont care your wife doesnt want to go, you dont care old falangs will be perving at your daughter, this cannot be for real.

Quite a rant.

He's not in the UK, his daughter wouldn't be doing GCSE's and even if she was there aren't many jobs in the UK nowadays. Probably going to be far more going on in this side of the world for the near future,

[Polsci]

I'm new here. But I do have some life experience that can be shared.

1) Some posters are right about their advice against pulling kids, particularly middle/high schoolers, out of their current schools and move to ( a new county, a new state, a new country, a new continent, etc.) as it'll be hard on them. Unless the move is inevitable (job transfers, political unrests, natural disasters, and the like). My understanding from expat friends who work for U.S. government agencies is that they as parents will actually try to get domestic assignments back in the headquarters or departments in Washington, D.C. or wherever in the States. This serves two purposes: 1) they need to get their kids ready for American colleges with those standardized exams and 2) money- and time-wise, college tours are more doable when your base is in the States (even when the U.S. government pays to ship the whole family back and they visit colleges during their leave). So many angles need to be looked at.

As a parent, I believe teenagers already face enough life transitions from late childhood to early adulthood. Anything we parents can do to nurture them to thrive is in everyone's interest. The young adults in the ThaisGood family need to have their voices heard and opinions counted in this "move-across-the-world" matter as well.

2) @ThaisGood, you may want to have your dear wife checked out by a family doctor, if your family sees one regularly. While her concerns, according to what you told us, are valid for a mother of three children, including a teenager, she "sounded" a little bit over anxious. I can say this because my mother "the Original Thai Mail Order Bride" was later diagnosed with cognitive problems after having displayed some behaviors that were out of her usual characters. But again, your wife also has her own life transitions to deal with, including her husband's plan to move back to Thailand. lol I think that's quite a shock to someone who concluded that here I am with my husband and three beautiful children in this country. Now you want change the life course for the whole family.

Best of luck to y'all!

[ludditeman]

The young adults in the ThaisGood family need to have their voices heard and opinions counted in this "move-across-the-world" matter as well.

Parents that listen to their childrens wishes would never do anything.

You would never move house, a divorced parent would never remarry.

Change is good for children, pandering to their wishes just makes you a doormat.

Children rarely know what is good for them, that's why they have parents.

Edited October 29, 2011 by ludditeman

[fletchsmile]

It seems like the main reason for coming here is that you want to, and the reasons are also based mainly on your own desires. On the other hand your wife doesn't.

Probably the answer if I were in your shoes would be whether 1) my 15 year old daughter actually wanted to, and whether 2) it would be best for her or not - as what kids want isn't always best for them. It probably wouldn't make much difference to you or your wife to wait a couple of years until she finishes high school, and the decision for both of you isn't really time critical.

For your daughter it's an important time of her life. Again 2 main thoughts. 1) How would she feel about leaving all her friends, and all the other things she's attached to? 2)Impact on her education. 16 and 18 are key ages in UK system, and I wouldn't want to be messing about with the final years up to 16 or 18. So you may have left it late. Not sure how the US system works.

Your wife sounds like she also appreciates what the US system can offer compared to the Thai system. I wouldn't want to switch my kids into a Thai system at that age. So realistically your looking at an international school, and USD 15-20k up.

So overall I'd say put what your daughter wants first combined with what you and your wife think is best for her. You and your wife can wait

Oh, and I wouldn't choose Pattaya for my kids

[seekingfriends]

hi .i cant believe that she would not jump at the chance to move back to thailand .as you both are getting on a bit . what happens when one off her family falls ill . or has a problem at home. what about her parents .is she not concerned about them . and her standard of living she could live like royality in thailand .as you said. i cant work her out . good luck james