Hypothetical Question

[wellred]

So I was talking with a mate last night and long story short she's messed about behind his in the past but he has given her another chance as she seemed to sorry. All going well so far but deep down he wants her to experience the sort of pain it caused him to find out. If the opportunity presented itself would you stoop to her level and have your own bit of fun, making you no better than her in the process OR would you pass up and maintain your position on the high horse? I'm not saying he should go and cheat as well and then go tell her about it right away, but more along the lines of he has 1 'stashed away for a rainy day' type thing.

If she did become aware of it in the future she may of course not blink an eyelid, but she may also recognize how it feels to be on the receiving end herself and change her ways. Too much to hope for or just a bad idea all round?

With all the stories I read not just here but on stickman or other forums, there is a lot of infidelity going around and it sounds like it's happening at both ends of the relationship. It's kind of sad in a way but I thought id ask the question to a few here.

Edited April 9, 2012 by wellred

[Bosse137]

there are many aspects to this,but let me cut to the core; a woman would never come to the conclusion,that you figure she would! A woman`s logic function in a different way;it would all be your fault;nothing to do with what happened before...Or,if it has,she would say,that she did what she did,because she know what kind of man you are,now proven.Anyway,she will do it again..And probably,so will you..Oh,it is about "a friend".Guess everybody`s best friend is oneself..

Edited April 9, 2012 by Bosse137

[IanForbes]

there are many aspects to this,but let me cut to the core; a woman would never come to the conclusion,that you figure she would! A woman`s logic function in a different way;it would all be your fault;nothing to do with what happened before...Or,if it has,she would say,that she did what she did,because she know what kind of man you are,now proven.Anyway,she will do it again..And probably,so will you..Oh,it is about "a friend".Guess everybody`s best friend is oneself..

I think that covers most of it. It all depends on your OWN moral standards. When I was 18 I made a pact with myself that I would never lie, cheat or steal ever again. And I would never go after another man's women even if she was inviting the option. I am proud to say that I have kept that vow for 54 years. It isn't so much about how others perceive you as it is about how you perceive yourself.

I have seen so many marriages fall apart that I can't recall them all. Most often it had something to do with sex. Either the man wasn't getting enough or his wife was playing around behind his back. And, contrary to what I had been taught as a young man, it was most often the WOMAN that made the first advances. Many women have no compuction in moving in on another woman's husband if she finds her own needs wanting. I've told more than a few happily married women not to go bragging to her friends about how good her husband is in the sack. One of her friends will want to try him out. I also know something else that is true... Once you step over the line to the other side it's almost impossible to go back.

[ivan96822]

In my opinion, if I ever found out a woman had cheated on me once, that would be the end of it. What is the point of getting back together with someone who has already gone behind your back?

No matter what the outcome, your mate seems to be foolish for continuing to be with her. There are many available women, especially in Thailand, so to continue to date one who has cheated on you is preposterous.

[Bangkokhatter]

Agree with that, she would have been out on her arse and you would not be having the conversation on whether to cheat on her for revenge.

Not sure the reason for the infidelity matters, if 1 partner does it, they will more than likely do it again. Why put yourself through all the pain a second time.

[carmine]

In my opinion, if I ever found out a woman had cheated on me once, that would be the end of it. What is the point of getting back together with someone who has already gone behind your back?

No matter what the outcome, your mate seems to be foolish for continuing to be with her. There are many available women, especially in Thailand, so to continue to date one who has cheated on you is preposterous.

Correct!

[TommoPhysicist]

I think that covers most of it. It all depends on your OWN moral standards. When I was 18 I made a pact with myself that I would never lie, cheat or steal ever again. And I would never go after another man's women even if she was inviting the option. I am proud to say that I have kept that vow for 54 years. It isn't so much about how others perceive you as it is about how you perceive yourself.

You cannot own a woman (or a man) and therefore you cannot steal her, what she does and who she does it with is up to her.

The idea the she can be the property of any man is just hopelessly wrong.

[carmine]

I think that covers most of it. It all depends on your OWN moral standards. When I was 18 I made a pact with myself that I would never lie, cheat or steal ever again. And I would never go after another man's women even if she was inviting the option. I am proud to say that I have kept that vow for 54 years. It isn't so much about how others perceive you as it is about how you perceive yourself.

You cannot own a woman (or a man) and therefore you cannot steal her, what she does and who she does it with is up to her.

The idea the she can be the property of any man is just hopelessly wrong.

You sound like the sort of bloke that thinks its fine to hit on other mens wives or girlfriends. Top bloke!

[TommoPhysicist]

You sound like the sort of bloke that thinks its fine to hit on other mens wives or girlfriends. Top bloke!

I'm too old to hit on anyone, but sometimes the ladies have other ideas, not my idea, up to them.

[carmine]

You sound like the sort of bloke that thinks its fine to hit on other mens wives or girlfriends. Top bloke!

I'm too old to hit on anyone, but sometimes the ladies have other ideas, not my idea, up to them.

Fair enough, not a bad reply that!

[IanForbes]

I think that covers most of it. It all depends on your OWN moral standards. When I was 18 I made a pact with myself that I would never lie, cheat or steal ever again. And I would never go after another man's women even if she was inviting the option. I am proud to say that I have kept that vow for 54 years. It isn't so much about how others perceive you as it is about how you perceive yourself.

You cannot own a woman (or a man) and therefore you cannot steal her, what she does and who she does it with is up to her.

The idea the she can be the property of any man is just hopelessly wrong.

I said nothing about stealing women. I meant items that don't belong to you. I agree that you can't steal or own a woman. She does as she wishes. Whether you CHOOSE to live with her is another point entirely. My first wife cheated on me and that was the end of our marriage. On her behalf though, I probably didn't make her feel loved enough when she was going through menopause.

[Bosse137]

I think that covers most of it. It all depends on your OWN moral standards. When I was 18 I made a pact with myself that I would never lie, cheat or steal ever again. And I would never go after another man's women even if she was inviting the option. I am proud to say that I have kept that vow for 54 years. It isn't so much about how others perceive you as it is about how you perceive yourself.

You cannot own a woman (or a man) and therefore you cannot steal her, what she does and who she does it with is up to her.

The idea the she can be the property of any man is just hopelessly wrong.

Perhaps I misunderstand something here? I have not seen anybody talking about "owning" anyone,and of course it is up to everyone to do what she/he pleases.The point,as I understand it,is thar the partner,who got cheated,also has the freedom to deside,whether she/he wants to go on with the partnership, (for lack of a better word..)or not!!If my wife likes some other man better than she likes me,for whatever reason,no problem,good for her.But then there is no reason for me to continue to hang around... Just saw,that Ian Forbes beat me to it.. Edited April 10, 2012 by Bosse137

[IanForbes]

At some point in the game you weigh all the options and settle on what is best for yourself. However, once trust is broken it can never be healed entirely. It's like lying. Once you have been caught in a lie the other person will never entirely believe you again. And, it takes 10 more lies just to cover up just one. Nobody has a memory good enough to cover all their lies. And, that is precisely why at the age of 18 I swore I would never lie again. Lies caused me a very serious breakup with someone I loved as a young man and I vowed never to do so again.

[MAJIC]

I think that covers most of it. It all depends on your OWN moral standards. When I was 18 I made a pact with myself that I would never lie, cheat or steal ever again. And I would never go after another man's women even if she was inviting the option. I am proud to say that I have kept that vow for 54 years. It isn't so much about how others perceive you as it is about how you perceive yourself.

You cannot own a woman (or a man) and therefore you cannot steal her, what she does and who she does it with is up to her.

The idea the she can be the property of any man is just hopelessly wrong.

We are not talking about ownership of ones partner,but the breaking of trust in what should be a secure relationship.most relationships never recover from infidelity,and the lies,deceit,and trauma,which go hand in hand,from affairs.

A broken commitment to each other,can't be cast off in such a frivolous manner.

[TommoPhysicist]

I think that covers most of it. It all depends on your OWN moral standards. When I was 18 I made a pact with myself that I would never lie, cheat or steal ever again. And I would never go after another man's women even if she was inviting the option. I am proud to say that I have kept that vow for 54 years. It isn't so much about how others perceive you as it is about how you perceive yourself.

You cannot own a woman (or a man) and therefore you cannot steal her, what she does and who she does it with is up to her.

The idea the she can be the property of any man is just hopelessly wrong.

We are not talking about ownership of ones partner,but the breaking of trust in what should be a secure relationship.most relationships never recover from infidelity,and the lies,deceit,and trauma,which go hand in hand,from affairs.

A broken commitment to each other,can't be cast off in such a frivolous manner.

But you are assuming western morality, and we are living in Thailand.

Lying is the norm here, affairs are the norm here, deceit and trauma is part of the fun you must learn to enjoy.

[MAJIC]

I think that covers most of it. It all depends on your OWN moral standards. When I was 18 I made a pact with myself that I would never lie, cheat or steal ever again. And I would never go after another man's women even if she was inviting the option. I am proud to say that I have kept that vow for 54 years. It isn't so much about how others perceive you as it is about how you perceive yourself.

You cannot own a woman (or a man) and therefore you cannot steal her, what she does and who she does it with is up to her.

The idea the she can be the property of any man is just hopelessly wrong.

We are not talking about ownership of ones partner,but the breaking of trust in what should be a secure relationship.most relationships never recover from infidelity,and the lies,deceit,and trauma,which go hand in hand,from affairs.

A broken commitment to each other,can't be cast off in such a frivolous manner.

But you are assuming western morality, and we are living in Thailand.

Lying is the norm here, affairs are the norm here, deceit and trauma is part of the fun you must learn to enjoy.

If this is truly your World,then its no wonder there are so many high rise fliers,in Thailand.

Some of your points are correct,but it does not mean we all have to plumb the depths,just to enter into meaningless relationships,for the emotionally challenged.

[wellred]

I think the hardest part here is getting over the girl in question. Sure there are plenty of others around but my friend (ok maybe me) wants to believe she might change. Can they ever? I don't know but at the moment I'm staying with her kidding myself she won't do it again. And i've never once cheated on anyone either. I'm a firm believer in karma too but it's a read head trip when these things happen.

[Bangkokhatter]

Must be hard for you to reveal the real truth, fair play to you. What I would say is this, fine go out, get laid and have 1 in the bank as you say.

Do you really think that will make you feel better about what she did ?

You will always doubt her, wonder where she is really going on the girly night out etc, the trust has gone. I could not do it.

Having said all that, your the person on the ground so to speak, so you know her best.

I wish you well.

[wellred]

Thanks. My biggest problem at the moment is I still have deep feelings for her that I can't just do away with. Maybe with time if I manage to do that then I can move on but in the interim I'm not sure what I am hoping to achieve. I did say to her look there are plenty of other farang around so you can go have your fun but she was insistent. I got a load of tears so I caved and said ok. I'm sure im not the first to have this happen to them and I probably won't be the last.

Another problem is now that this has happened I have developed major paranoia when I can't get hold of her on the phone. I don't want to be that guy. I'm loathe to cheat on her myself which given the situation I'm sure most wouldn't blink an eyelid in doing. Decisions decisions.

[farangme]

Cheating on her isn't going to undo what she has done and remove the distrust you have towards her. You clearly don't trust her now. Question is, how long can you stay with her when you feel this way? Based on experience, you will never trust her again. You're better off putting your energy into ending/getting over this relationship, rather than living with constant distrust.

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[SlyAnimal]

If it was me, I'd keep the moral high ground.

Because if you think "I can shag one of these girls in the bar if I want, and not get into trouble", then you'd be looking to better deal your partner. And then you invariably would, lots of beautiful girls around who are up for it after all. Many of which, would be happy to just be a mia noi too. That would then cause too many problems, and eventually lead to a break up with your partner.

If you're thinking that you'd like to hurt your partner, then you're not thinking the way a man should who's in a stable loving relationship (Which may be the case if you more stayed together for the kids etc, in which case it's really dependent on whether cheating on your wife would cause problems with the kids or whatever else). And thus, unless you're still together for the kids etc, then you should probably end it.

Edited April 10, 2012 by SlyAnimal

[KeyserSoze01]

Thanks. My biggest problem at the moment is I still have deep feelings for her that I can't just do away with. Maybe with time if I manage to do that then I can move on but in the interim I'm not sure what I am hoping to achieve. I did say to her look there are plenty of other farang around so you can go have your fun but she was insistent. I got a load of tears so I caved and said ok. I'm sure im not the first to have this happen to them and I probably won't be the last.

Another problem is now that this has happened I have developed major paranoia when I can't get hold of her on the phone. I don't want to be that guy. I'm loathe to cheat on her myself which given the situation I'm sure most wouldn't blink an eyelid in doing. Decisions decisions.

Cut her loose and find someone else. How could you ever trust her again once you have caught her out?

If you want revenge, here's a good way. Make like nothing is wrong when you see her again, but the next time you have sex, once done, get out of bed, wipe your equipment on the curtains, get dressed, thank her for the memories and walk out.

[Bosse137]

wellred,never trust a woman`s tears! Most of us,if not all,have had a similar experience,hence the good advice.You have to know when you have to cut your losses,in business and in love.The sooner the better for you,because it will never work! If you want to punish her,the way to do it is to walk out,without any fanfar.Then she has to start all over again to find another sucker (sorry...)who she can cheat on and who takes care of her,if that is the case.It is like quicksand,you only get deeper the more you struggel!

Edited April 10, 2012 by Bosse137

[Bangkokhatter]

Am pretty sure an act of revenge will only give short term satisfaction, and will do nothing to help your situation in the long run. You really have to decide to stay or go.

Most people would go ( me included ) and then wait for your deep feelings to subside, which in time they will. Go out have a few lads nights out, have a bit of fun being single again before you start the relationship game again.

I have been through this before, but with me doing the cheating, and seeing the hurt I caused the other person, and then trying and failing to carry on without the trust, certainly made me decide it's not something I would do again.

Good luck.

[ivan96822]

I think the hardest part here is getting over the girl in question. Sure there are plenty of others around but my friend (ok maybe me) wants to believe she might change. Can they ever? I don't know but at the moment I'm staying with her kidding myself she won't do it again. And i've never once cheated on anyone either. I'm a firm believer in karma too but it's a read head trip when these things happen.

Once a cheater, always a cheater, so no, she won't change. I have to ask....Are you like 20 years old or something? I have no idea why any man would continue to see a woman who has already been unfaithful. One, who knows what she is doing when you are not with her? Two, why would you risk putting yourself in another situation where you discover that she has been unfaithful? Three, why would you so pitifully stick around with a woman who clearly has low values and a sneaky, shady, dishonest side to her?

Have some respect for yourself, be a man, and kick her to the curb. There's other women out there, and though you may harbor feelings for this particular one, she certainly is not worth it in the long run.

[wellred]

Unfortunatley I think I'm going to maintain my sucker status and give her another chance. If it happens again i'll walk out and i've told her that. Yes I know it's hugley gulible on my part to believe that she will be honest this time but I'm willing to potentially go through more heartache if it comes to it. Worst case senario I'll continue to get laid and then can move on, hopefully to someone who appreciates me.

Thanks to all for the replies though. You confirmed what I was thinking inside but I'm just not ready to let go yet. I guess some people need to learn the hard way.

Edited April 11, 2012 by wellred

[Bosse137]

I wish you good luck!!!

[CharlieH]

For me, its all about trust, once that has gone there is nothing, and you are kidding yourself otherwise.

Can you honestly say you are comfortable and relaxed whenever she wants to go anywhere alone again ?

[farangme]

At least wear a condom, cause she will do it again.

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[ivan96822]

At least buy her a pack of rubbers and discreetly slip them into her purse. Then when she "goes to MBK," there is the slightest chance she will find them and use them while continuing to provide horizontal refreshment to other men.