This is probably the best forum to post on since i'm interested to get advice from other women who may understand my situation better than the guys.

After a stormy marriage to my first Thai wife, we amicably divorced a few years ago. To remind long-term TV members, my first Thai wife was severely bipolar and made my life HELL (glad I got that off my chest...)

However, since our divorce, she is now only about 25% mad and we remain on good terms, especially since we have a young son who shares his time between my ex and his aunt in BKK (where he attends a good school).

Some time after my divorce, I remarried (yes, I know that maybe was not a good move.._) The Thai lady that I married was actually my live-in GF when we lived in the UK in around 2002-2003. So basically I came full-circle with her.

The problem that I have is extreme jealously towards my ex from my new wife. We have been married for several years, but the sniping and comments about my ex never cease. Since I have a son with my ex (who BTW has remarried to a really nice Thai guy), and since we both own small hotels within 1km of each other, it is natural that I keep in touch with the ex, also passing hotel guests over to her when my hotel is full etc. In any case, I cannot change what has happened previously - it is always best to look towards the future.

My amicable attitude towards my ex and the fact that I help her to manage her business clearly annoys my wife, and her attitude is beginning to annoy me also. Any small advice or favour towards my ex or here business is picked up by my wife and used as an excuse to moan at me. I am beginning to understand why I left her for my ex all those years ago.

What can I do to persuade my wife to change her attitude? (Actually, with my experience in Thailand and with Thai ladies, I think trying to change her is a lost cause). I have no intention of cutting strings with my ex, especially because of my good relationship with my young son, but also because she cannot successfully manage her business without my help, (and a stressed bipolar person is not beneficial for anyone within her striking distance)

I'm in the position now of considering employment away from my wife, so that I can have a more peaceful life! (I can manage my hotel business/bookings remotely).

Divorce is not on the cards, but I really see little point in living with her if her life revolves around sniping at my ex and criticising me for my 'lax' attitude with my ex.

What advice do the learned members of TV have for me??? I can imagine 'grow a set' might be top of the list, but if I take that path then I may need to sleep alone with a metal cricket box to protect my assets! BTW, there is no suggestion of any sexual relationship with my ex - it's simply my wife's position that I should not contact or assist her in any way.

Simon

Edited May 1, 201214 yr by simon43

A few simple questions that require you to look at your behavior in a completely honest way; do you pay equal attention to your current wife? Do you do small considerate things that show you are thinking of her? Do you have conversations/go out to dinner/ do stuff together?

And just a note, simon did post in the LADIES FORUM so he could get the opinions of WOMEN. Trolls post elsewhere thanks

Oh and Simon, glad to hear your ex is doing much better, must be a relief in regards to your son.

Well, you may need to make a decision (in the favor of your current wife). You can ask your current to change only so much. If she isn't able to adapt as much as you'd wish, you may be the one who needs to adapt in order to bring some peace to your current situation. Can you live without your ex?

Okay at the risk of getting in trouble I'm going to stick my oar in this water.........

Your current wife is in a control battle, give her control but give her responsibility too. Just make it clear that there is no way you are prepared to abandon your son.

Tell her that she must take charge of sending customers down to the exes hotel, and that she must help your ex with the business. Tell her that if she agrees to do that then you will reduce all contact with your ex down to a minimum.

Tell her it is your duty as a father to look after your son, but you understand why she is angry. Tell her she must help you to be a good father , and be a good heart man.

Prediction? It's going two ways, an absolute refusal will tell you the true state of play, and then you have a very abrupt choice. You cannot be involved in a permanent war of attrition, it's debilitating, but you know that already.

Alternatively, if your wife does step in to the breach I think you will find after a few weeks she will hand control back to you, as you will have taken the sting out of the tail. You may be lucky and find that the two ladies strike up a mutual regard if not friendship, that would be a start.

That's my pennies worth. Hope it helps.

Thanks for all the good advice. I maintain contact with my ex for 2 good reasons.

We have a young son together who had to be removed from her shortly after birth due to her bipolar illness. Now, after almost 7 years, her bipolar 'mania' is much reduced, (although she occasionally goes skyward). This means that our son is able to visit/stay with her every month, and so I am very happy to encourage such visits and to spend time with my son.

Secondly, my ex cannot manage her business without my help, (or help from another competent person). I helped her to set up her new hotel (much to my wife's anger), because I reasoned that it was to no one's benefit if she had no income, or if she had business problems. That would stress my ex out and I know from bad experience what happens to her when she becomes stressed.

So I must maintain contact with my ex for both personal and business reasons, and I understand that this puts my wife in a difficult position re 'face' etc.

TheBlether - my wife absolutely refuses to have any contact with my ex, and acts very haughtily if the ex phones me etc. Since the ex calls me every day (re business), then you can imagine the atmosphere. My ex is aware of the sensitivity of this issue, and only calls me when it is important. But with a busy hotel on her hands, and no-one who is competent to help her with customer bookings, emails in English etc - the phone calls have to me made.

I get on fine with her Thai husband, so maybe I can get him to call me, not my ex? (Unfortunately though, he seems rather simple in mind and the rest of her family have about as much intelligence as a very, very VERY stupid buffalo, so they cannot really help.

Difficult situation, and all I want is a peaceful life with my wife, and cordial friendship with my ex ...

Simon

PS - sorry but I forgot to say that my wife approves of me living/working away from her, because this would reduce my face-to-face contact with my ex, and the contact with my ex by phone would not be apparent to my wife, (what you do not see cannot hurt you..). It would also increase our overall income if I had a job.

But although this solution seems ideal to my wife, I feel that it is a realistic but 'poor' solution to the real issues at hand. Ex and new wife should be able to get on fine together

Hang on! What am I thinking of??! An ex and a new wife actually getting on OK??? And they are both Thai??? And one of them is two beansprouts short of a broccoli???? I must be the crazy one here

Edited May 2, 201214 yr by simon43

Guess some people can't help themselves, or can't read. one anti-woman troll post removed

Thanks for all the good advice. I maintain contact with my ex for 2 good reasons.

We have a young son together who had to be removed from her shortly after birth due to her bipolar illness. Now, after almost 7 years, her bipolar 'mania' is much reduced, (although she occasionally goes skyward). This means that our son is able to visit/stay with her every month, and so I am very happy to encourage such visits and to spend time with my son.

Secondly, my ex cannot manage her business without my help, (or help from another competent person). I helped her to set up her new hotel (much to my wife's anger), because I reasoned that it was to no one's benefit if she had no income, or if she had business problems. That would stress my ex out and I know from bad experience what happens to her when she becomes stressed.

So I must maintain contact with my ex for both personal and business reasons, and I understand that this puts my wife in a difficult position re 'face' etc.

TheBlether - my wife absolutely refuses to have any contact with my ex, and acts very haughtily if the ex phones me etc. Since the ex calls me every day (re business), then you can imagine the atmosphere. My ex is aware of the sensitivity of this issue, and only calls me when it is important. But with a busy hotel on her hands, and no-one who is competent to help her with customer bookings, emails in English etc - the phone calls have to me made.

I get on fine with her Thai husband, so maybe I can get him to call me, not my ex? (Unfortunately though, he seems rather simple in mind and the rest of her family have about as much intelligence as a very, very VERY stupid buffalo, so they cannot really help.

Difficult situation, and all I want is a peaceful life with my wife, and cordial friendship with my ex ...

Simon

PS - sorry but I forgot to say that my wife approves of me living/working away from her, because this would reduce my face-to-face contact with my ex, and the contact with my ex by phone would not be apparent to my wife, (what you do not see cannot hurt you..). It would also increase our overall income if I had a job.

But although this solution seems ideal to my wife, I feel that it is a realistic but 'poor' solution to the real issues at hand. Ex and new wife should be able to get on fine together

Hang on! What am I thinking of??! An ex and a new wife actually getting on OK??? And they are both Thai??? And one of them is two beansprouts short of a broccoli???? I must be the crazy one here

Well, it sounds like your putting your ex ahead of your current wife, even if you've got good reasons. I don't expect the current wife will ever be comfortable with this. Because your decision seems to be that you will maintain your contact with the ex despite your current wife's issues about it, you should at least be mindful that you are causing her a lot of pain and suffering. I mean, why did you marry her just to put her into the No. 2 position? This seems very selfish, insensitive, and blind to your current wife's feelings. Life is not easy and sometimes you have to make really hard choices - you did not make the hard, obvious choice. I'm afraid that it is your current wife who will bear the worst of your choice even though it was not her making.

Edited May 2, 201214 yr by Jawnie

Jawnie - sensible adults should have no issues at all if a divorced person remains in contact with his/her ex, especially when children are involved and that ex has been happily remarried for years. My wife knew the situation before we married and knew that I had to remain in contact with my ex for both business and personal reasons. (My ex helped a lot in cutting through the red tape for our hotel planning permission, because she has useful contacts with the authorities).

My wife is absolutely number 1. I harbour no romantic feelings towards my ex, (especially since her actions led to our marriage breakdown, alienation from my son and almost killed our business).

But I do understand that my wife feels like this, and so I'm OK about working away from this area if it can smooth things over.

Simon

Maybe you should help your ex employ someone to help run the business with her so she is not calling you every day? Make this apparent to the wife so that she sees this. Then there will be less contact from the ex and the wife will be happier? It seems to me that even though you're not meaning to, you're putting your ex before your current wife. I'd be pretty pissed off too if my boyfriends ex was phoning EVERY day.

And just a note, simon did post in the LADIES FORUM so he could get the opinions of WOMEN. Trolls post elsewhere thanks

Oh and Simon, glad to hear your ex is doing much better, must be a relief in regards to your son.

He may have mistakenly though there were Thai ladies using this forum.

Maybe you should help your ex employ someone to help run the business with her so she is not calling you every day? Make this apparent to the wife so that she sees this. Then there will be less contact from the ex and the wife will be happier? It seems to me that even though you're not meaning to, you're putting your ex before your current wife. I'd be pretty pissed off too if my boyfriends ex was phoning EVERY day.

I'll second that one. If my husband had an ex that was calling every day, its probably not printable what I would have done!

Hire a third party to help her. If you are micro managing the lives of an entire extended family, something will implode especially where wives are involved.

And just a note, simon did post in the LADIES FORUM so he could get the opinions of WOMEN. Trolls post elsewhere thanks

Oh and Simon, glad to hear your ex is doing much better, must be a relief in regards to your son.

He may have mistakenly though there were Thai ladies using this forum.

There are actually, and in this case, to be honest, I think most women agree. I don't think the new wife sounds insanely jealous and I would have problems with an ex being that involved in my husband's daily life too.

I find it odd that your wife is comfortable in you going away to work as a solution to her feelings of insecurity.

But I do understand that my wife feels like this, and so I'm OK about working away from this area if it can smooth things over.

Simon

The thing is, I just don't think that you leaving to work somewhere else will fix things.

I can completely understand your reasons for needing to stay in close contact with your ex. It makes perfect sense logically. However, emotionally, I agree with the other ladies...I'm pretty sure I'd be uncomfortable if my boyfriend/husband talked to his ex every single day. I've dated a man who had a children from a previous marriage, and sure, I know he needed to maintain a positive relationship with her as they shared custody. I was fine with the occasional phone calls & him seeing her when he picked up the kids. I knew he had zero interest in her. At times, she even had new relationships, and he was happy for her. But, had she called every day? Not cool.

The problem with just leaving to work somewhere else is that it doesn't fix the issues between you and your ex. It almost sounds like you'd be running away from the problems. Sorry, but it's true. At best, it will just postpone those issues until you eventually return home again. Then what? And if you don't plan to return home for a very, very long time, then what's the point in even staying married? At worst, it may even intensify the trust issues. Your wife will probably be wondering what you're doing, who you're with, if you're still talking to your ex, etc. She might say she's ok with it now, but I don't know too many women who would really be ok with their husbands taking off just because things aren't going well. Personally, I'd start feeling abandoned, and like he doesn't want to be with me anymore so he left.

I don't think there's an easy solution to this problem. Maybe you can try really hard to show your wife how she's the most important to you - go out of your way to say nice things, do nice things for her, tell her how much she means to you. You could even point out reasons why she's so much better than your ex. Try to keep contact with your ex at a minimum - like you said, only when necessary. I'd advise against keeping your contact with her a secret. What she doesn't see won't hurt her? Wrong. We always know. If she at ALL feels like you're being deceitful, there's almost no chance of working things out. You need to be open about the communications you do have with your ex, and like others have said, try to involve your wife when possible. Let her see/hear your interactions with your ex.

If you are adamant that you will not change the amount of contact you have with your ex, and your current wife refuses to accept it, then you're going to have to make a tough choice. Hopefully it doesn't come to that.

Edited May 3, 201214 yr by tonititan

when I hooked up with my thai wife she couldn't understand why I wanted to remain in contact with my ex in England...and I tried to explain that we have a son and for that reason alone a relationship of some kind was necessary...and then I dragged her into it and we went to England together to visit and then she understood, however grudgingly...

apparently when men in Thailand separate from their wives they ditch the whole show, kids included...and I tried to explain to the wife that as a heathen westerner that is something that I cannot accept...

seems pretty obvious to me you need to sit her down and very firmly explain to her that the situation will not change, and if she expects to continue being a part of your life she had better get over it rapidly.

perhaps send her back home to mother with instructions to return when she can deal with it.

my ex and i are actively raising a child together and making the best of it, not for our own sakes, but for the sake of the child.

Any woman i meet has to understand that that is the situation, and it will not be changing to suit her emotional issues.

Edited May 3, 201214 yr by nocturn

OP did ask for women's opinions, if I recall. ie in that he wants to know how a woman would feel about the situation since, as a man, he already has a good idea of how he feels.

sorry to offend, sbk...just an observation...

None taken but its interesting that the men focus solely on the kid and ignore the other just as important aspects, Most women respect a man who maintains a relationship with his child, but this goes far beyond that, IMO. I never did see an answer to my questions, Simon.

@sbk, sorry I wasn't ignoring you - working late and in Myanmar all day.

I'm sure that I do not show appreciation for my wife as much as I should. Unfortunately, we are both rushed off our feet with work, as is the ex. We do not have any spare time to go out etc, but we do speak (a lot!) to each other.

I can well understand that my wife doesn't like the ex phoning up every day. I try to minimise this interruption by texting guest details to the ex discretely. I'd love it if someone could take over the work/help that I give my ex, (and likewise for my wife's hotel so that I can put my feet up). But it ain't going to happen unless some very clever, but lowly-paid person comes along

It may actually be possible in the future that my ex sells her hotel, (she has other profitable businesses). in which case this removes the need for any contact with her except concerning our son. That would be a step-forward.

Does anyone want to buy a nice small and profitable hotel business??

Simon

......experience suggests two things:

- Firstly, the second wife must 'outdo' the first wife in all respects...if that is not so in her mind, this issue will never be laid to rest

-Secondly, Thai wives married to foreign men think 'extremely long-term'...the husband is dead already and what will she be left with

I think you let this situation develope to this point. When I first read "Thai Wife is Jealous of Ex-wife" my reaction was...and water is wet.

How about manning up here and telling her to shut up? Don't let her talk about the ex to you. "You make me ting tong when you talk and act jealous. Don't do anymore! Can not listen. Nee up. Stop!" Prepare for the silence treatment for a while. When she starts again say the same thing to her. Don't let her get started.

You've allowed this situation to develope. Don't allow it to continue.

I think you let this situation develope to this point. When I first read "Thai Wife is Jealous of Ex-wife" my reaction was...and water is wet.

How about manning up here and telling her to shut up? Don't let her talk about the ex to you. "You make me ting tong when you talk and act jealous. Don't do anymore! Can not listen. Nee up. Stop!" Prepare for the silence treatment for a while. When she starts again say the same thing to her. Don't let her get started.

You've allowed this situation to develope. Don't allow it to continue.

Hard to fathom that you could view this as a problem caused by the second wife. She's the victim of a pretty insensitive husband, I'd say.

I don't think you'll ever persuade her to stop being jealous. It's just something you'll have to live with. It's no good asking a (Thai) woman to think of things in a logical fashion 'cos that just ain't gonna happen.

Sorry to seem picky but something doesn't quite add up here.

In one post you say " I helped her to set up her new hotel (much to my wife's anger), because I reasoned that it was to no one's benefit if she had no income, or if she had business problems. "

and in another you say "It may actually be possible in the future that my ex sells her hotel, (she has other profitable businesses)."

Well, which one is it? She'll have no income if you don't help her run her hotel every day or she does have other sources of income and her income doesn't depend on you running the hotel business for her?

People usually pay around $120.00 per hour for all this wonderful advice...Mine...? You are right..."grow a set" or tell your new wife to do the same...You have a kid with your first wife and that is that...You are doing the stand up thing by keeping in touch and taking care of business. Hats off to you...I am impressed...Most guys would just dis the whole thing off...I think maybe your new wife needs a lesson in morals and responsibility, something not found here I notice...Have a serious sit down with your new wife and (try) to explain that you have a responsibility to all concerned...I am sure you love her very much, otherwise you would not be putting your stuff out here...You are a good person and there is nothing wrong with comparing your self to the bad guys...Tell her this. Give her the best examples you can come up with that are obvious. Good luck and I hope it all works out for you...(and your son)...

I don't think the new wife sounds insanely jealous and I would have problems with an ex being that involved in my husband's daily life too.

I think this is the main issue & one should put themselves in the new partners place & imagine how it would feel.

I had been married before & am on good terms with my ex due to having a child....that is great.....

But I would not converse daily with her mainly because of how it may make my current wife feel & besides that

chapter of my life is closed. Note: I did say converse about the child when needed ( time of pickup/exchange illness etc. )

but that is not needed daily.

It is all well & good...great even to be on good terms with the ex.

But it should be obvious that is fine due to having a common interest in the child....to a point that is fine...anything more may make the current partner uncomfortable.

I would not want to make my current wife feel that way...

Edited May 6, 201214 yr by flying

What type of irreplaceable advice do you give her?

It can't be that complicated. Upskill her husband and talk only with him.

Can't blame your current wife to not feel ok with this, I dont think you should try to look for ways to make her understand better...

I think you need to find a way to be less involved in your ex's life in order to keep your marriage healthy.

Edited May 7, 201214 yr by Carry