Thai Parents Against Foreigner Marriage

[Mandych]

Hello All,

I am a HK Chinese girl that have a Thai mixed Chinese boyfriend for 2 years. Now, we are talking about marriage. When my boyfriend told his parents, they are stongly against our marriage. The reason is they do not want their son to marry a foreigner.

Is this true that Thai parents against foreigners? If yes, any experience? What things I can do? If not, is it his excuse to marry me? Any comment.

Thanks. Mandy

[steveromagnino]

Hello All,

I am a HK Chinese girl that have a Thai mixed Chinese boyfriend for 2 years.  Now, we are talking about marriage. When my boyfriend told his parents, they are stongly against our marriage. The reason is they do not want their son to marry a foreigner.

Is this true that Thai parents against foreigners?  If yes, any experience?  What things I can do?    If not, is it his excuse to marry me?  Any comment.

Thanks. Mandy

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

For the most part no, but in some cases yes, particularly for the richer families. My mother's parents disowned her for marrying a foreigner for instance. BUt this is fairly uncommon.

In your situation however, it seems you are not in the parents' good books as marriage material. I think you may find they can be persuaded to change their minds, are you living here? Is this an only son?

[Mandych]

Thanks for the reply.

I am working in HK and go to Bangkok once a month. I saw his parents once. He is the only son.

[jackr]

Pardon me, but your boyfriend is Thai/Chinese and his parents are against him marrying a Chinese lady?? Bit of hypocrisy going on there from his parents or am I reading it wrong?

[kratingdang]

I am Thai and in d relationship with the foreigner as well ,I think d parent prefer d same country because they feel more comfortable to have some one with the same culture and language around. But if u prove u can accept Thai culture and language in d level that they respect they will be more appreciate on u.

Many Thai stereotype on Chinese that Chinese are lound and poor hygine ,U have to show them that it not true

Edited January 4, 2006 by kratingdang

[steveromagnino]

Pardon me, but your boyfriend is Thai/Chinese and his parents are against him marrying a Chinese lady?? Bit of hypocrisy going on there from his parents or am I reading it wrong?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Thai Chinese very different to some mainland Chinese! There are like a billion Chinese people, and they vary a lot; plenty of Australians and New Zealanders for instance don't really like the English (probably not to the point of ever raising an issue with marrying one) but they are for the most part all English themselves having emmigrated there/sent to a prison in Australia...same same yo.

So...wouldn't call it hypocrisy yet; let's hear if there is more to the story....

First born son expected to carry on the family business; not goof around, be a good boy. Probably if only son has been spoilt; let me guess studied overseas? had nice car and stuff when he did? Parents baby him a bit?

Thai Chinese can be very pragmatic when it comes to marriage, he is supposed to marry someone who can be his equal or higher. A foreigner is harder for some of the traditional family types to read.

But anyway, now he is probably expected to suck things up and put in a solid. So if that is the case his parents may want him to marry into a certain family; to have a wife who can be the power behind the throne (e.g. Thaksin's wife) or at least not be the odd one out.

My recommendation is that it is way too early to give up; lots of things you can do to win other people over. I would be careful to be polite, no spitting and do your best to learn Thai. Then you can probably demonstrate you are serious, and that you will survive here; they may be worried about that too.

Best of luck

[Gumballl]

The OP seemed to post such a broad question, that it would seem near impossible to answer without speculating on the circumstances of her relationship, her financial standing, or that of her beau.

I have seen many times when a farang man of 50 marries or courts a girl who is only in her low 20's (if not a wee bit younger).

What if the OP is 50 years old, and her beau is 18? TIT... anything is possible. I bet the parents would not be too happy. Anyhow, I'm sure this is not the case... but since we are speculating.

Anyhow, I really think that the OP, if she wants to receive good opinions here on TV, needs to provide us with more information concerning her circumstances.

-----------------

For those who do not "habla":

TIT = This is Thailand

OP = Original Poster

TV = ThaiVisa

[samran]

The question is (for the parents) what do you (and your family) bring to the proposed relationship? I'm half guessing that they are looking for a prospective business relatonship to be gotten out of any nuptials for their one and only golden child.

[Scott]

Mandy, best of luck. I don't know for sure if it's really a "foreigner" type of problem. A lot of parents in Thailand are very protective of their children. Your boy friend is the only son and I am sure there are few girls they feel are good enough for him. In your case, being a foreigner, is the handiest excuse.

You need to hang in there and I am sure that once the knot is tied they will come to be more accepting. Be very patient with them and don't get upset about some of the things they say.

Remember they love their son as much as you do--but they are running the risk of losing him!

[markuk]

Hello All,

I am a HK Chinese girl that have a Thai mixed Chinese boyfriend for 2 years. Now, we are talking about marriage. When my boyfriend told his parents, they are stongly against our marriage. The reason is they do not want their son to marry a foreigner.

Is this true that Thai parents against foreigners? If yes, any experience? What things I can do? If not, is it his excuse to marry me? Any comment.

Thanks. Mandy

If he is a real "man" then he would not listen to his parents and would stand on his own two feet, take responsibility for his decision and destiny - though i know this is rare in Thailand its about time people started to change.

U should speak to his parents and find out - maybe he is telling you this as he doesnt want to marry and wants to stay at home with his mummy..

[steveromagnino]

If he is a real "man" then he would not listen to his parents and would stand on his own two feet, take responsibility for his decision and destiny - though i know this is rare in Thailand its about time people started to change.

U should speak to his parents and find out - maybe he is telling you this as he doesnt want to marry and wants to stay at home with his mummy..

I totally disagree. Parents may know or be aware of things he isn't. If this is a large business family, his responsibility may be to look after the family assets which may stretch back 100 years.

You are suggesting that the thing most Thai people believe to be most important - their family - should be ignored. This is not likely to happen, and your speculation over what sort of a man he is shows you understand very little about how much of the world thinks. It isn't about who is right or wrong, but about necessity. Here in Thailand, there is no social welfare system for the elderly; he is going to be expected to look after his family later on; and they are looking out for his and their interests now.

Suggesting that listening to family instead of partner at this juncture is somehow making him not a 'real man' is probably one of the most classic lines I've ever read on this board.

There are ways and means that both parents and partner and son can all be happy; my guess is it will just take some time. We don't have enough information however, to offer much more advice than that.

[markuk]

If he is a real "man" then he would not listen to his parents and would stand on his own two feet, take responsibility for his decision and destiny - though i know this is rare in Thailand its about time people started to change.

U should speak to his parents and find out - maybe he is telling you this as he doesnt want to marry and wants to stay at home with his mummy..

I totally disagree. Parents may know or be aware of things he isn't. If this is a large business family, his responsibility may be to look after the family assets which may stretch back 100 years.

You are suggesting that the thing most Thai people believe to be most important - their family - should be ignored. This is not likely to happen, and your speculation over what sort of a man he is shows you understand very little about how much of the world thinks. It isn't about who is right or wrong, but about necessity. Here in Thailand, there is no social welfare system for the elderly; he is going to be expected to look after his family later on; and they are looking out for his and their interests now.

Suggesting that listening to family instead of partner at this juncture is somehow making him not a 'real man' is probably one of the most classic lines I've ever read on this board.

There are ways and means that both parents and partner and son can all be happy; my guess is it will just take some time. We don't have enough information however, to offer much more advice than that.

Well we are all entitled to our own opinions. Family is important but people must live their own lives and make their own choices. IMO

[sbk]

The question is (for the parents) what do you (and your family) bring to the proposed relationship? I'm half guessing that they are looking for a prospective business relatonship to be gotten out of any nuptials for their one and only golden child.

I suspect Samran is right on the mark with this observation. Most of the well-to-do Chinese families (and Thai for that matter) often marry for financial benefit.

[sierra01]

The question is (for the parents) what do you (and your family) bring to the proposed relationship? I'm half guessing that they are looking for a prospective business relatonship to be gotten out of any nuptials for their one and only golden child.

I suspect Samran is right on the mark with this observation. Most of the well-to-do Chinese families (and Thai for that matter) often marry for financial benefit.

Who needs love when there's money to be made, what a way to be.

[Heng]

Hello All,

I am a HK Chinese girl that have a Thai mixed Chinese boyfriend for 2 years. Now, we are talking about marriage. When my boyfriend told his parents, they are stongly against our marriage. The reason is they do not want their son to marry a foreigner.

Is this true that Thai parents against foreigners? If yes, any experience? What things I can do? If not, is it his excuse to marry me? Any comment.

Thanks. Mandy

Some are, some aren't... just like in most cultures. Chinese culture is not so much different than Thai culture. You still have a LOT of folks who firmly believe that couples should be from similar socio-economic backgrounds (and yes, that does include where you are from). An HK or Taiwanese family that has been here for only one generation would be welcomed more than one that has no roots in Thailand at all.

[dr_Pat_Pong]

The question is (for the parents) what do you (and your family) bring to the proposed relationship? I'm half guessing that they are looking for a prospective business relatonship to be gotten out of any nuptials for their one and only golden child.

I suspect Samran is right on the mark with this observation. Most of the well-to-do Chinese families (and Thai for that matter) often marry for financial benefit.

that ain't unique to Thailand.

[Heng]

The question is (for the parents) what do you (and your family) bring to the proposed relationship? I'm half guessing that they are looking for a prospective business relatonship to be gotten out of any nuptials for their one and only golden child.

I suspect Samran is right on the mark with this observation. Most of the well-to-do Chinese families (and Thai for that matter) often marry for financial benefit.

Actually the system is set so to stop people from marrying for financial benefit. Two wealthy or at least families at the same economic level have virtually no upward movement in the big picture. This is the complete opposite of most (not all of course) falang - Thai unions. Now there's where one could legitimately describe the relationships as the "often marry for financial benefit" variety.

[chuchok]

The question is (for the parents) what do you (and your family) bring to the proposed relationship? I'm half guessing that they are looking for a prospective business relatonship to be gotten out of any nuptials for their one and only golden child.

I suspect Samran is right on the mark with this observation. Most of the well-to-do Chinese families (and Thai for that matter) often marry for financial benefit.

Actually the system is set so to stop people from marrying for financial benefit. Two wealthy or at least families at the same economic level have virtually no upward movement in the big picture. This is the complete opposite of most (not all of course) falang - Thai unions. Now there's where one could legitimately describe the relationships as the "often marry for financial benefit" variety.

I've seen plenty of farang-farang unions that were "marrying up" Also saw a few Chinese marrying not so well of Thai girls in NZ.

[somkid]

After 2 years, my thai-chinese gf's parents would hardly talk to me, but didn't mind talking behind my back. After 4½ years, things are getting better (not quite there yet though...). Hang in there.

She's half expected to take over the family business, and i think the parents, no matter whether they like me or not, cannot help thinking that i will eventually take her away from them (and the family business)....don't know if i would, but as i said, things are getting better.

chok dii,

somkid

[Plecostomus]

Mandy,

They are probably too old to ever have a change in their already small minds. You can either marry him and deal with the BS and hope that you can warm the parents up, or cohabitate with him until they are deceased then get married, or just move on.

Best of luck

Edited January 5, 2006 by Plecostomus

[jonik]

It's the same with old folks in (white) countries to ,they sure would like to see their offspring marrige a blonde chic witch fit into their stereotype A4 thinking. I think some parents are afraid to loose face if something like this would happend.

[Neeranam]

QUOTE(sbk @ 2006-01-05 13:34:56)

QUOTE(samran @ 2006-01-04 21:22:02)

The question is (for the parents) what do you (and your family) bring to the proposed relationship? I'm half guessing that they are looking for a prospective business relatonship to be gotten out of any nuptials for their one and only golden child.

I suspect Samran is right on the mark with this observation. Most of the well-to-do Chinese families (and Thai for that matter) often marry for financial benefit.

Thai Chinese are very different to Chinese. Money and business come above everything else.

Very sad people, don't get involved Mandy - find someone else.

Edited January 5, 2006 by Neeranam

[Mandych]

Hi Everybody,

I think my relationship is over. I took sick leave yesterday and no mood to eat and work.

After he went back to his parents last Sunday, he told me that his parents strongly dislike him to marry me and ask him to leave me.

I asked him what things he planned to do. he said he was confused. I said can we marry in Bangkok or HK without informing his parents. He said he did not want to betray his parents. I said can we wait to marry until his parents die, may be 10 or 15 years? He said he was afraid his parents would bring some Thai girls to him within these years.

I said, well, I will not call you from today onwards. I will wait for your call. Pls. call me if you want to save this relationship. Since I bought the air ticket to come at the end of this month to see him, I intended to go to Bangkok anyway. I said if I did not receive your call before my coming, I will not see you in Bangkok.

May be this is the end of our conversation. I think I got a broken heart already. Any suggestions/comment.

Thanks. Mandy

[jackr]

If the arse wipe can't make his own decisions without his sad and pathetic parents then you are better off without him, although I suspect this is the way it is with many hi-so families.

[Jaffy]

Hi mandy,

I think you could do a lot worse than listening to the advice offered by steveromagnino, scott & gumball. When you become a parent, you will realise how easy it is to be over protective of your own kids. I am in no doubt that your b/f's parents only have his best interests at heart and it is upto you to convince them that you are the right person for him. You can only do this by talking to them and being patient!

markuk - I find your comments extremely offensive. You seem to be someone who finds customs or practices that differ from your own as primitive. Perhaps once you've reached puberty you will view the world differently?

[skylar]

markuk - I find your comments extremely offensive. You seem to be someone who finds customs or practices that differ from your own as primitive. Perhaps once you've reached puberty you will view the world differently?

I wouldn't want to live in Thailand without at least trying to understand Thai values and culture, but each to our own. Filial piety has a major place in Thai society, yes. He doesn't have to agree with it. It sounds like he doesn't feel he even has to understand it. Maybe he likes being on the circumference of Thai society. It's convenient to take a look inside once in a while from the farang bubble and throw a few airy-fairy comments out about things he doesn't understand, but it means he doesn't have to conform and fit in, either. Sounds like a lot of people I used to know

[papaya9]

Baloney! The parents aren't acting on the kids best interest--its all about THEIR best interests (face and archaic Chinese tradition of doing things). I've never had respect for those who let their parents control them. Its pathetic to see an adult male letting his parents make his life decisions for him, much less be living with the parents.

Mandych--Ditch the man (as your name tells you)! Move on because they will always be a pain in your ass. You don't need to marry a big-time mama's-boy. Of course you love him, but your love for yourself should come first. Don't waste your time and move on!

Best of luck,

K

[sbk]

Hi Everybody,

I think my relationship is over. I took sick leave yesterday and no mood to eat and work.

After he went back to his parents last Sunday, he told me that his parents strongly dislike him to marry me and ask him to leave me.

I asked him what things he planned to do. he said he was confused. I said can we marry in Bangkok or HK without informing his parents. He said he did not want to betray his parents. I said can we wait to marry until his parents die, may be 10 or 15 years? He said he was afraid his parents would bring some Thai girls to him within these years.

I said, well, I will not call you from today onwards. I will wait for your call. Pls. call me if you want to save this relationship. Since I bought the air ticket to come at the end of this month to see him, I intended to go to Bangkok anyway. I said if I did not receive your call before my coming, I will not see you in Bangkok.

May be this is the end of our conversation. I think I got a broken heart already. Any suggestions/comment.

Thanks. Mandy

Well, Mandy, you are probably right. If he can't see past his parents wishes then it probably is over. Also, the fact is that he comes from a closed-minded family and would have alot of those similar values. It is better to move on and find someone who appreciates you for you.

When my husband and I first met he asked his 90 year old grandfather what he thought about marrying a farang and this man (who had never met a farang in his life) said: "Doesn't matter whats on the outside. It's what's on the inside that counts".

Keep looking, and don't lose heart. Someone will appreciate you for the person you are. Just not this guy!

[markuk]

Hi mandy,

I think you could do a lot worse than listening to the advice offered by steveromagnino, scott & gumball. When you become a parent, you will realise how easy it is to be over protective of your own kids. I am in no doubt that your b/f's parents only have his best interests at heart and it is upto you to convince them that you are the right person for him. You can only do this by talking to them and being patient!

markuk - I find your comments extremely offensive. You seem to be someone who finds customs or practices that differ from your own as primitive. Perhaps once you've reached puberty you will view the world differently?

so do you also think that adults shouldnt be allowed to express their opinion? as that is what i did - oh wait a minute maybe i should have asked my mummy if its ok!

If i did not like other customs and practices i wouldnt be married to an Asian woman (non Thai) and living in Thailand - or would i?

Dont be so narrow minded there is a whole world out there.....

[Heng]

A lot of local couples (Thai Chinese included), when the parents don't approve, just continue to see each other. It's hardly an end all situation if the parents don't like you. So you might want to consider the possibility that the lad himself doesn't want to commit as well.

It's kind of like the situation that many farangs run into where the local wife or husband says "it's not me that wants to bleed you dry of every satang you have.... it's just my greedy family!" Maybe, but it's wise to consider that it might not just be the "the family" in every case either.