I Blew Up At The Missus This Evening.

[aneliane]

Sorry I don't get your point.

you want out because she goes and see the neighbor before saying hello to you ?

[BigJohnnyBKK]

The Op never said anything of the sort. Maybe it is the woman who needs to change her attitude?

Sometimes we are driven to distraction when we love a woman and the (her) children without too many conditions.

Some of us actually CARE !!

But the caring and its outward signs (money, freedom) must be administered wisely, if just given away without seeing that it's all actually put to good use then you're seen as a fool and quite rightly.

I remember when i was a younger fella, i wouldnt take any crap from a girl treat them mean keep them keen was my motto,and it worked,relationships seemed to last..

Since then as relationships ran there course i moved onto thailand,met a lovely lady and we had a child(my first), she struggled through the pregnancy and birth and frankly treated me quite badly,but i had a child who i love unconditionally and put up with it.Eventually she pushed it too far,said i had enough and left.well she begged for forgiveness and said she would change and has.6months on all is good,my point is once i made it clear that i had a breaking point she was ok, theres a difference between kindness and weakness and both parties have to recognize this.If i had no children with her i probably would have legged it a long time ago,but i have a boy who i love and i'm doing the best for him

I like your kindness for weakness analogy, in Scotland we call it don't take saftness for daftness.

A lot of us, certainly myself, are kindhearted and happy to help.

By our cultural standards we are being gentlemanly and helpful, to the Thais we are soft touch lunatics.

It's a mad mad world!!

Spot on, velvet fist in an iron glove from the beginning. Only loosen up when they prove over time they can be sensible (actually "if", quite rare), but never give them enough rope to hang themselves unless you're the one letting it all fall down as part of your exit strategy.

And I know many TVers here will knee-jerk talk about their not-poor, not-rural "educated" preferences, but that's just not for me, I'm too much of a control freak, IMO just as much trouble as a mainstream western relationship. And they don't want me either anyway, so it all works out.

[BigJohnnyBKK]

Has anyone here ever had a reasonable resolution to any problem by sitting down with their Thai SO and having a discussion about YOUR issues? I know I haven't. It's like talking to a wall. Once a Thai has something set in their mind -or- you take them to task on YOUR issues, it's always the same result, for me anyway. I get the dead-eyes look as if I am the one that is crazy.

Sorry to be negative, but the OP needs to put himself first, then his extended family. Including the step-daughter.

If your wife just ups and disappears after an argument, without so much as a goodbye, then that speaks volumes. I suggest that the OP do the same. I would tell the step-daughter that dad has to go away for a while and that mom will take care. Then just leave for an indefinite length of time. It will give both you and your wife time to decide what is important. If when you return there is no improvement in your wife's behavior, then for your own sake it's time to move on, no matter how painful. It only gets worse from here.

In all my years here I have never been able to sit down and discuss in a rational way. And I find that so sad. Many relationships here could benefit from rational discussion.

With most, especially the younger upcountry rice farmers daughters this is definitely flogging a dead horse. Even when they get past 30 you're best off acting more like a benevolent dictator parent/teacher/employer rather than trying to use what would be normal adult-to-adult relationship strategies as if you were equals.

This is one of the main reasons I'll no longer take in any girl who's had any exposure at all to previous farang, she's usually ruined for life, spoiled with the conception that it's possible for the woman to call the shots. Straight off the rice farm, ideally from a strict and proper family, you remain the senior, in control at every step.

Works find for me anyway, but just like a household where the servants lord over the master, pretty tough to put things back to rights once they've been allowed to get out of hand, often better to wipe the slate clean, makes sure you've learned the lessons and start over with a new lot.

[ARISTIDE]

she had once again parked up and gone out.

I see my house keeper come to work and she doesn't say hello or even show any sign of awareness of my present. But it doesn't mean that she is angry at me. It really depends of the point of view..

Could it be that she think you are a provider and richer than her so she just need to earn a little extra so she doesn't appear to be totally dependent?

[Soutpeel]

With most, especially the younger upcountry rice farmers daughters this is definitely flogging a dead horse. Even when they get past 30 you're best off acting more like a benevolent dictator parent/teacher/employer rather than trying to use what would be normal adult-to-adult relationship strategies as if you were equals.

This is one of the main reasons I'll no longer take in any girl who's had any exposure at all to previous farang, she's usually ruined for life, spoiled with the conception that it's possible for the woman to call the shots. Straight off the rice farm, ideally from a strict and proper family, you remain the senior, in control at every step.

Works find for me anyway, but just like a household where the servants lord over the master, pretty tough to put things back to rights once they've been allowed to get out of hand, often better to wipe the slate clean, makes sure you've learned the lessons and start over with a new lot.

Where you ever an old colonial old chap, not that I am dis-agreeing with your sentiment...but you certainly sound like one..

[Soutpeel]

she had once again parked up and gone out.

I see my house keeper come to work and she doesn't say hello or even show any sign of awareness of my present. But it doesn't mean that she is angry at me. It really depends of the point of view..

Could it be that she think you are a provider and richer than her so she just need to earn a little extra so she doesn't appear to be totally dependent?

Your talking about an employee, he is talking about his wife, I know these roles get blurred at times, but there are some very big differences

[kerryk]

• Loong have you ever wondered if you were an alcoholic? I am casting no stones nor making any judgements. Just a question.
  

[pattayadingo]

I tried to put a reply on last night, but the forum was apparntly down for maintenance.

Autosave only managed to save the first line - maybe just as well, alcohol fuelled posts don't always make good reading!

Some of you have said that I should take a holiday with some me time.

I spent nearly 4 weeks back in the UK in May, visiting family. I have only been back for just over 2 weeks.

It maybe that because I have had some "Me" time, that I feel more under pressure since getting back here.

Oddly enough, 3 times I went back to the UK and staying between four and six weeks I have come back to a 'different' woman. Each of them changed in that time i was away. I discovered it was down to peer pressure in the main and there was little or nothing I could do about it. Each of those relationships ended.

Has she changed while you went away? Or is it a longer running thing that you have noticed since you got back after your 'me' time?

[simple1]

Has anyone here ever had a reasonable resolution to any problem by sitting down with their Thai SO and having a discussion about YOUR issues? I know I haven't. It's like talking to a wall. Once a Thai has something set in their mind -or- you take them to task on YOUR issues, it's always the same result, for me anyway. I get the dead-eyes look as if I am the one that is crazy.

Sorry to be negative, but the OP needs to put himself first, then his extended family. Including the step-daughter.

If your wife just ups and disappears after an argument, without so much as a goodbye, then that speaks volumes. I suggest that the OP do the same. I would tell the step-daughter that dad has to go away for a while and that mom will take care. Then just leave for an indefinite length of time. It will give both you and your wife time to decide what is important. If when you return there is no improvement in your wife's behavior, then for your own sake it's time to move on, no matter how painful. It only gets worse from here.

You're totally right.

The Thais all seem to take 'serious talk' as an act of war. I learned pretty quickly never to do it.

Yes seems to be a Thai culture that 'serious talk" is "mai sanook", but from my point of view it's a cop out.

For the OP my Thai wife use to have a drinking problem with the usual associated quick temper and lack of consideration to the damage being done to our relationship. One day I had a "serious talk" with her when she was sober & let her know if it continued I'm packing my bags. (she was working & did not need my financial support). She promised to get herself back under control, it took a while but eventually she got self respect back. Point of the story that having a sit down will bring matters to a final resolution one way or the other. One approach could be to book a hotel away from your home town for a few nights for a neutral venue for the conversation. I realise you adore your step daughter, but one cannot allow this love to destroy your life. A number of years ago I was in a negative relationship & had to make the decision to leave the family home, very hard, but it's better in the long run. By the way my daughter & I are still communicating during thirty years and she will be visiting me in Thailand later this year.

Edited June 14, 2012 by simple1

[payak]

kick her in the nuts

[loong]

Lack of communication.Sit down and have a chat with her.You will soon find out what the problem is and take it from there.

It doesn't work. Whenever there is a problem, I try to have a reasonable and rational discussion about it. Nothing ever seems to be resolved that way.

I'll tell you about the last time that I blew up at her, about 18 months ago.

She had a "restaurant" in the city. She would have to leave very early to go to the market, often before 4AM and would get home 7 or 8 PM. As I said, she is not lazy when she is working. This meant that I would do all the housework and take care of the children.

Eventually it got too much for her and she sold the business. She did continue to work for the new owner for a while for 200 Baht per day wages. She had to go to work on the motorbike, about 40 Bt/day petrol. If she drove the pickup to work, fuel would have swallowed up most of her wages.

Her outgoings...

8,000 Bt per month payment on the pick-up

About 18,000 Bt/year for insurance and road fund licence

2,500 Bt/month Life insurance.

There was zero discussion with me before she bought the pick-up or took out the life insurance.

As well as working for the new owner of the business, she would go out and sell food. It seemed to me that she was working nearly the same amount of hours as before, but for less money.

Once the new owner got the hang of things, that job finished. She was looking around for a new job and was offered a job at a 7-11 for 176 Bt/day.

This may seem strange to some of you, but I suggested that she do the housework and I would pay her 250 Bt/day. She would then be able to go out and sell food and work less hours. My thinking here was that if she looked on the housework as a job, she may actually do it! If I simply took over paying for everything, I knew that she would spend all day chatting to her friends.

So she would wash the dishes and once the draining basket was full, she would put the clean dishes in buckets and bowls to drain. Soon there were buckets and bowls of dishes and none stacked in the cupboard where they should be.

She would do the laundry and hang out to dry. Once dry, she would bring the clothes indoors and dump them in a heap on the nearest chair, table or top of cupboard. Soon the wardrobes were nearly empty and sitting on a chair involved moving a bundle of clothes. Ok , I may be exaggerating a bit here, but basically the place was in a right mess.

Nothing was cleaned properly, work surfaces and the cooker were disgusting. Everytime anyone wanted something, it involved a search because nothing was put back where it should be.

I tried to talk to her about this calmly. When she was sorting through a pile of clothes looking for littl'un's school shirt for the day, I tried to explain that it would be much easier if she had put it away in the cupboard, so she would know where it is. At that time my daughter wore a different colour shirt everyday.

Of course, when I couldn't stand the filth and the mess any longer I had to do it myself.

I asked her if she was employing someone to do the housework and they did this standard of work, would she fire them? She agreed that she would.

No amount of reasoning or pleading would make any difference and I eventually exploded. That was when she left.

[Soutpeel]

kick her in the nuts

Think you are on the wrong thread....thats the "should I do a runner" thread....

[meatboy]

kick her in the nuts

she's not one of them is he.

[David48]

Hi there loong. I know you from over in the Farming Forum and from around the traps here.

You have always struck me a reasonable sort of chap, and despite what some of the naysayers post here ... it takes a special type of strength to emotionally open up for all to dissect.

One thing that does stand out is the concept of girlfriend.

You seem to have the Girl bit OK ... but sadly lacking in the Friend department.

From this distance, it impossible to rationally comment on your unique situation.

However, deep in your heart, I believe that you already know the answer.

Her daughter does seem precious to you now, but she is ultimately not your responsibility despite the love and affection given over the years.

A very wise person one told me the secret to a long loving relationship was to marry your best friend. (naysayers ... please don't ... help the OP instead)

And that friendship and respect seems at low currently in your relationship.

Edited June 14, 2012 by David48

[loong]

Sorry I don't get your point.

you want out because she goes and see the neighbor before saying hello to you ?

It's not just that, it's a combination of things.

Most people who have replied think that it shows a lack of repect when she can't be bothered to put her head in the door and say hello. It's only a few steps. Makes me feel that her friends are much more important to her than I am

• Loong have you ever wondered if you were an alcoholic? I am casting no stones nor making any judgements. Just a question.
  

Yes.

But last month, while in the UK I only had a couple of beers with my son on about 3 occasions.

I certainly drink more often when in Thailand.

Mind you, the way my head feels now, I'm saying "Never again!"

[loong]

Hi there loong. I know you from over in the Farming Forum and from around the traps here.

You have always struck me a reasonable sort of chap, and despite what some of the naysayers post here ... it takes a special type of strength to emotionally open up for all to dissect.

One thing that does stand out is the concept of girlfriend.

You seem to have the Girl bit OK ... but sadly lacking in the Friend department.

From this distance, it impossible to rationally comment on your unique situation.

However, deep in your heart, I believe that you already know the answer.

Her daughter does seem precious to you now, but she is ultimately not your responsibility despite the love and affection given over the years.

A very wise person one told me the secret to a long loving relationship was to marry your best friend. (naysayers ... please don't ... help the OP instead)

And that friendship and respect seems at low currently in your relationship.

I can't argue with anything that you say here.

Good post

[geriatrickid]

Who does the missus laundry? Hopefully it is not you. Tell her to do her own laundry, or mix some reds in with the whites and she'll do it herself.

If she won't clean, let the house go dirty for a bit and see how she feels about it. When my sister's teenaged son wouldn't clean his room or do his laundry, sis just shut the door and let his laundry pile up on the floor. After a month, the kid realized that if he wanted clean underwear and didn't want to sleep on dirty sheets, he'd have to do something, and he did.

Otherwise, Hire a maid and deduct some of the pay it from the allowance you are providing to the missus.

[simple1]

Lack of communication.Sit down and have a chat with her.You will soon find out what the problem is and take it from there.

It doesn't work. Whenever there is a problem, I try to have a reasonable and rational discussion about it. Nothing ever seems to be resolved that way.

I'll tell you about the last time that I blew up at her, about 18 months ago.

She had a "restaurant" in the city. She would have to leave very early to go to the market, often before 4AM and would get home 7 or 8 PM. As I said, she is not lazy when she is working. This meant that I would do all the housework and take care of the children.

Eventually it got too much for her and she sold the business. She did continue to work for the new owner for a while for 200 Baht per day wages. She had to go to work on the motorbike, about 40 Bt/day petrol. If she drove the pickup to work, fuel would have swallowed up most of her wages.

Her outgoings...

8,000 Bt per month payment on the pick-up

About 18,000 Bt/year for insurance and road fund licence

2,500 Bt/month Life insurance.

There was zero discussion with me before she bought the pick-up or took out the life insurance.

As well as working for the new owner of the business, she would go out and sell food. It seemed to me that she was working nearly the same amount of hours as before, but for less money.

Once the new owner got the hang of things, that job finished. She was looking around for a new job and was offered a job at a 7-11 for 176 Bt/day.

This may seem strange to some of you, but I suggested that she do the housework and I would pay her 250 Bt/day. She would then be able to go out and sell food and work less hours. My thinking here was that if she looked on the housework as a job, she may actually do it! If I simply took over paying for everything, I knew that she would spend all day chatting to her friends.

So she would wash the dishes and once the draining basket was full, she would put the clean dishes in buckets and bowls to drain. Soon there were buckets and bowls of dishes and none stacked in the cupboard where they should be.

She would do the laundry and hang out to dry. Once dry, she would bring the clothes indoors and dump them in a heap on the nearest chair, table or top of cupboard. Soon the wardrobes were nearly empty and sitting on a chair involved moving a bundle of clothes. Ok , I may be exaggerating a bit here, but basically the place was in a right mess.

Nothing was cleaned properly, work surfaces and the cooker were disgusting. Everytime anyone wanted something, it involved a search because nothing was put back where it should be.

I tried to talk to her about this calmly. When she was sorting through a pile of clothes looking for littl'un's school shirt for the day, I tried to explain that it would be much easier if she had put it away in the cupboard, so she would know where it is. At that time my daughter wore a different colour shirt everyday.

Of course, when I couldn't stand the filth and the mess any longer I had to do it myself.

I asked her if she was employing someone to do the housework and they did this standard of work, would she fire them? She agreed that she would.

No amount of reasoning or pleading would make any difference and I eventually exploded. That was when she left.

Sorry to say your background story sounds like she doesn't like you = no respect

[loong]

So you don't want to clean, you don't want to cook, you don't want to take care of the garden. But you want to get pissed and chainsmoke. Maybe you should have a good look in the mirror and change a few things about yourself !

I really don't mind doing the housework, especially as she is at work all day. I enjoy working in the garden.

I don't know how you got this from my OP.

I enjoy a beer or 2 , but I don't usually over indulge.

Smoking is bad and I keep trying to stop.

I know it is wrong and weak to use alcohol and nicotine as crutches.

[loong]

Who does the missus laundry? Hopefully it is not you. Tell her to do her own laundry, or mix some reds in with the whites and she'll do it herself.

If she won't clean, let the house go dirty for a bit and see how she feels about it. When my sister's teenaged son wouldn't clean his room or do his laundry, sis just shut the door and let his laundry pile up on the floor. After a month, the kid realized that if he wanted clean underwear and didn't want to sleep on dirty sheets, he'd have to do something, and he did.

Otherwise, Hire a maid and deduct some of the pay it from the allowance you are providing to the missus.

Yes, I do her laundry, well the machine does. It would be rather silly if I only did mine, wouldn't it?

If I don't clean, the most she would do is to push a broom about a bit. She has a much higher tolerance of dirt and untidyness than I have

[BigJohnnyBKK]

Where you ever an old colonial old chap, not that I am dis-agreeing with your sentiment...but you certainly sound like one..

I certainly don't "exploit" anyone, no coercion involved at any time, I just don't set my self up to be a sucker that's all.

People can be all western-feminist-politically-correct all they like if they want, if that works for them with their exotic educated Thai Chinese real-wife life partners.

I'm just sharing what works for me with my dirt-poor upcountry zero-English no-experience rice-farmer's daughters, YMMV.

Your talking about an employee, he is talking about his wife, I know these roles get blurred at times, but there are some very big differences

Not much if you're doing it right IMO. Then again even at work my staff consider me quite the benevolent dictator, if anything I have a heavier hand at home.

[GreenSnapper]

I really don't mind doing the housework, especially as she is at work all day. I enjoy working in the garden.

You have my respect, loong. You are very nice, responsible and considerate. What is called a "modern man" in the West.

Unfortunately, such behaviour does not work with women. Not in Thailand and not in the West. Women are wired differently to us.

While your behaviour deserves all respect, a woman will lose all respect. Not logical from a man's view, and that's why so many men fail with women.

You need to be a jerk. You need to show authority. That's the only way to succeed in a relationship.

Stop doing the housework, no Thai man would do it and you denigrate yourself by doing so. Be the head of the household. Equal relationships work only in the dreams of White Knights and Feminists.

Probably everything is already lost in your case. But when you move on with your life, learn from it and don't repeat the same mistakes.

[loong]

Is she the breadwinner of the house at the moment? I know you may have your pension and what not, butclearly, she has started to draw her boundary of what she likes to do when she comes home. The others may be right by telling you to have some time for yourself. But in the case of a daughter whom you love very much in involved, you owe it to both you and the little girl to talk it out first with the iron maiden! All the best!

Mark

She works, but doesn't contribute a lot towards the household budget as she earns less than 6,000 Baht/month. I pay all the bills etc.

[aneliane]

Who does the missus laundry? Hopefully it is not you. Tell her to do her own laundry, or mix some reds in with the whites and she'll do it herself.

If she won't clean, let the house go dirty for a bit and see how she feels about it. When my sister's teenaged son wouldn't clean his room or do his laundry, sis just shut the door and let his laundry pile up on the floor. After a month, the kid realized that if he wanted clean underwear and didn't want to sleep on dirty sheets, he'd have to do something, and he did.

Otherwise, Hire a maid and deduct some of the pay it from the allowance you are providing to the missus.

Yes, I do her laundry, well the machine does. It would be rather silly if I only did mine, wouldn't it?

If I don't clean, the most she would do is to push a broom about a bit. She has a much higher tolerance of dirt and untidyness than I have

I think you have hit the spot here;

Thai people have a very relative concept of hygiene. So you end up doing stuffs which for her are irrelevant/useless, and it does not enter into the balance of house chores sharing.

As far as she is concerned you just do that because you are stupidly holding on to some farangs criteria of hygiene, which have no relevance here in THL

Edited June 14, 2012 by aneliane

[loong]

I really don't mind doing the housework, especially as she is at work all day. I enjoy working in the garden.

You have my respect, loong. You are very nice, responsible and considerate. What is called a "modern man" in the West.

Unfortunately, such behaviour does not work with women. Not in Thailand and not in the West. Women are wired differently to us.

While your behaviour deserves all respect, a woman will lose all respect. Not logical from a man's view, and that's why so many men fail with women.

You need to be a jerk. You need to show authority. That's the only way to succeed in a relationship.

Stop doing the housework, no Thai man would do it and you denigrate yourself by doing so. Be the head of the household. Equal relationships work only in the dreams of White Knights and Feminists.

Probably everything is already lost in your case. But when you move on with your life, learn from it and don't repeat the same mistakes.

I'm not a compulsive clean freak, but I don't like to live in a filthy house. When you have a 6 year old, especially when 3 or 4 of her friends come to play, you are constantly clearing up. I hate walking round in bare feet, stepping in spilt drinks and rice. Beyond me how they can manage to spread rice over such a great area

If I do have to move on, I won't be repeating the same mistakes. A previous relationship ended when she came into money, I thought that we were OK, but once she didn't need my money, I was kicked to the kerb.

I will not be starting a new relationship with anyone who has less money than I do. Probably the chances of that in Thailand are very low.

[robblok]

I really don't mind doing the housework, especially as she is at work all day. I enjoy working in the garden.

You have my respect, loong. You are very nice, responsible and considerate. What is called a "modern man" in the West.

Unfortunately, such behaviour does not work with women. Not in Thailand and not in the West. Women are wired differently to us.

While your behaviour deserves all respect, a woman will lose all respect. Not logical from a man's view, and that's why so many men fail with women.

You need to be a jerk. You need to show authority. That's the only way to succeed in a relationship.

Stop doing the housework, no Thai man would do it and you denigrate yourself by doing so. Be the head of the household. Equal relationships work only in the dreams of White Knights and Feminists.

Probably everything is already lost in your case. But when you move on with your life, learn from it and don't repeat the same mistakes.

I'm not a compulsive clean freak, but I don't like to live in a filthy house. When you have a 6 year old, especially when 3 or 4 of her friends come to play, you are constantly clearing up. I hate walking round in bare feet, stepping in spilt drinks and rice. Beyond me how they can manage to spread rice over such a great area

If I do have to move on, I won't be repeating the same mistakes. A previous relationship ended when she came into money, I thought that we were OK, but once she didn't need my money, I was kicked to the kerb.

I will not be starting a new relationship with anyone who has less money than I do. Probably the chances of that in Thailand are very low.

Good point and example about the money. Shows how many Thai girls think about foreigners. That is why i only go for independent girls. Also means they are in general smarter and better educated. Many guys only have the girls because they are in for it for the money. Doesn't help much for respect either. Then you have to control them with money. (like bigJBKK)

I also would not want to live in a dirty house. The wife/ gf is clean but gone a lot because she is tourguide. That means i do (some) of the cleaning. But then again its not that hard to wash your own clothes or the plates that you use.

[richard_smith237]

IMO: This lady doesn’t respect you, it appears she doesn’t even like you. As others have said, perhaps this is a case where familiarity breeds contempt.

Your kindness has been taken advantage off and been interpreted as weakness.

Forgive me for being so blunt, it appears that an uneducated lady is taking and the security you offer her for granted.

Of course, offering financial security doesn’t mean you can behave as you like and respect is a two way street.

Thai’s can be sat down and spoken to, issues can be dealt with, but a mutual respect and a ‘want’ to sort out any issues needs to exist in both parties, perhaps you can create this 'want' by becoming more firm. To speak to someone in a reasonable manner requires two reasonable people though, thus finding the right time to speak is key.

Some suggest that Thai men rule their ladies more firmly with less compromise than their Western counterparts – Perhaps society has established a valid reason for this. If I may make the fault of generalizing I would suspect that women from a less educated backgrounds require more firm guidance and uncompromising strength in a man, where as more educated ladies require a more gentle apprach… Perhaps I am totally wrong, but this is what I see day to day in Thailand.

What can be done to fix this? There has been much good advice on this forum. Getting firm and become less compromising is perhaps the best. Reassert yourself, regain respect and friendship and love may return. If this can’t be achieved you really need to assess how happy you can be in 5 years time if in the same situation or if moved on.

In short, it has already been said - It appears you need to reassert some form of dominance.

Sadly - as much as you love the young girl, she is not yours, and will never be yours, your wife recognises this. That doesn't mean you cannot have a loving relationship and your intentions are honourable and to be respected, your wife clearly fails to recognise this. Finding some way of forcing her to recognise that your kindness is not weakness and that you are not a fool with an endless supply of funds is the way to earn respect. As above, you have to start getting mean and operate on a level your wife can relate to.

As hard as it may seem, the final solution might be to cut your losses and walk away. If you are prepared to take such action other issues should be solved and fall into place quite easily (unless your wife is also happy to separate in which case this may be the best course of action in the long run).

[robblok]

IMO: This lady doesn’t respect you, it appears she doesn’t even like you. As others have said, perhaps this is a case where familiarity breeds contempt.

Your kindness has been taken advantage off and been interpreted as weakness.

Forgive me for being so blunt, it appears that an uneducated lady is taking and the security you offer her for granted.

Of course, offering financial security doesn’t mean you can behave as you like and respect is a two way street.

Thai’s can be sat down and spoken to, issues can be dealt with, but a mutual respect and a ‘want’ to sort out any issues needs to exist in both parties, perhaps you can create this 'want' by becoming more firm. To speak to someone in a reasonable manner requires two reasonable people though, thus finding the right time to speak is key.

Some suggest that Thai men rule their ladies more firmly with less compromise than their Western counterparts – Perhaps society has established a valid reason for this. If I may make the fault of generalizing I would suspect that women from a less educated backgrounds require more firm guidance and uncompromising strength in a man, where as more educated ladies require a more gentle apprach… Perhaps I am totally wrong, but this is what I see day to day in Thailand.

What can be done to fix this? There has been much good advice on this forum. Getting firm and become less compromising is perhaps the best. Reassert yourself, regain respect and friendship and love may return. If this can’t be achieved you really need to assess how happy you can be in 5 years time if in the same situation or if moved on.

In short, it has already been said - It appears you need to reassert some form of dominance.

Sadly - as much as you love the young girl, she is not yours, and will never be yours, your wife recognises this. That doesn't mean you cannot have a loving relationship and your intentions are honourable and to be respected, your wife clearly fails to recognise this. Finding some way of forcing her to recognise that your kindness is not weakness and that you are not a fool with an endless supply of funds is the way to earn respect. As above, you have to start getting mean and operate on a level your wife can relate to.

As hard as it may seem, the final solution might be to cut your losses and walk away. If you are prepared to take such action other issues should be solved and fall into place quite easily (unless your wife is also happy to separate in which case this may be the best course of action in the long run).

More then one poster has seen this too BigJohnnyBKK is talking about farmers daughters. I have also seen that beter off and beter educated woman need less firm hand and are in general more sensible. For then its a choice to be with you. You are not a meal ticket. If you are with a girl with limited education and chances in life there is a bigger chance she is with you for the money.

If the girl can keep her own financially at least you have a better chance its love and not just for money. That also means they will listen more to reason because they choose to be with you.

[BigJohnnyBKK]

I really don't mind doing the housework, especially as she is at work all day. I enjoy working in the garden.

You have my respect, loong. You are very nice, responsible and considerate. What is called a "modern man" in the West.

Unfortunately, such behaviour does not work with women. Not in Thailand and not in the West. Women are wired differently to us.

While your behaviour deserves all respect, a woman will lose all respect. Not logical from a man's view, and that's why so many men fail with women.

You need to be a jerk. You need to show authority. That's the only way to succeed in a relationship.

Stop doing the housework, no Thai man would do it and you denigrate yourself by doing so. Be the head of the household. Equal relationships work only in the dreams of White Knights and Feminists.

Probably everything is already lost in your case. But when you move on with your life, learn from it and don't repeat the same mistakes.

This is expressed a bit strongly, and not true for all Thais much less all women, but generally speaking I'd have to agree.

Thai people have a very relative concept of hygiene. So you end up doing stuffs which for her are irrelevant/useless, and it does not enter into the balance of house chores sharing.

This is also an overgeneralization, and easily solved by paying a maid. B2K per month for 2-3 visits a week is IMO generous.

[richard_smith237]

If I do have to move on, I won't be repeating the same mistakes. A previous relationship ended when she came into money, I thought that we were OK, but once she didn't need my money, I was kicked to the kerb.

I will not be starting a new relationship with anyone who has less money than I do. Probably the chances of that in Thailand are very low.

That is a good rule. You can then be more sure of a ladies feelings and know that her intentions are borne out of something more genuine than financial security....

It is also likely that such a lady will be better educated, more tolerant and understanding of cultural differences and offer a higher chance of a successful and satisfying relationship (of course, not always, but the odds have to be improved).