It's Not Unreasonable To Look After The Thai In-Laws!

[JUDAS]

This, IMO, really is quite simple and there is no hard and fast rule about helping out the in-laws financially or any other family member for that matter. I come from an extremely close knit family within which we all rally together during tough times. An example would be my parents offering to remortgage their house many years ago to help me out, thankfully wasn't needed. Without going into details I know for a fact the in-laws would do the same.

The in-laws are the grandparents to my children. Could I allow something terrible happen to them for want of some financial aid and then look my children in the eye whilst attempting to justify my actions?

Judas, your not true to your name. All jokes aside that is normal i would help them too if it was needed. I just don't believe in a stream of cash going that way. Unless of course the other sisters and brothers of my wife do the same.

I just don't see why marrying a farang would mean jack pot for a whole family. Helping them in need sure. Helping in laws to get in a bit better living conditions like putting a new roof on their leaking home. Sure, but sponsoring them month on month is a different thing. If they are living in a normal house and having food on the table is it then needed to buy them a flatscreen tv and contribute every month.

Not saying you do that, just trying to point out differences between helping and taken for a ride.

There's a certain irony to my username

[robblok]

This, IMO, really is quite simple and there is no hard and fast rule about helping out the in-laws financially or any other family member for that matter. I come from an extremely close knit family within which we all rally together during tough times. An example would be my parents offering to remortgage their house many years ago to help me out, thankfully wasn't needed. Without going into details I know for a fact the in-laws would do the same.

The in-laws are the grandparents to my children. Could I allow something terrible happen to them for want of some financial aid and then look my children in the eye whilst attempting to justify my actions?

Judas, your not true to your name. All jokes aside that is normal i would help them too if it was needed. I just don't believe in a stream of cash going that way. Unless of course the other sisters and brothers of my wife do the same.

I just don't see why marrying a farang would mean jack pot for a whole family. Helping them in need sure. Helping in laws to get in a bit better living conditions like putting a new roof on their leaking home. Sure, but sponsoring them month on month is a different thing. If they are living in a normal house and having food on the table is it then needed to buy them a flatscreen tv and contribute every month.

Not saying you do that, just trying to point out differences between helping and taken for a ride.

There's a certain irony to my username

I suspected as much but could not pass the opportunity to joke about it.

[Neeranam]

There seems to be a lot of negativity against looking after the Thai in-laws on here.

I for one think it is perfectably reasonable to help them out now and again due to the lack of social welfare in Thailand.

OAP's only get 500bhat a month from Thaksins goverment policy.

So the old rely on the young not like in the west where they are put in retirement homes and lose their assets to the goverment with inheritance tax etc.

The Thai way of doing things is more family orientated.

How would you want to spend your later years? - being cared for by your family and your assets going where they are rightfully intended.

or letting strangers care for your elderly and infirm relatives.

My Thai wife has already said on many occasions that she finds the wests way of caring for elder members of the family terrible.

With this in mind and i don't mean financing the whole village what do you think?

When I got married, I paid 100k sinsod which was going to be given back to me. It wasn't so I decided then that as they cheated me, I'd not give them a monthly "allowance". They asked for money for fishfarms and other business ventures. Everytime, I'd say sure, I'll give you 30,000 after you write out the repayment plan and show me your 1 year projected profit and other business plans. Well, guess what, they never did. Of course, we are family and we have helped out in emergencies - just last year we got the father-in-law out of jail for killing someone(his brother) whilst driving drunk. Cost me more than money - one of my get-out-of-jail-free cards.

If my brother and sister-in-law contribute to their parents, then I will too. If they don't, then guess what? So, I feel myself lucky that they ripped me off at the start. If I had agreed to pay them a monthly "wage" 12 years ago then I'd be most probably pissed off now and posting about it on internet forums to get "likes" by other mugs to make me feel that I wasn't a mug.

Like most FILs of foreigners here, mine is an alcoholic which is one reason my wife was attracted to me, but that's another story. I see many many co-dependant relationships here. I see many many people-pleasing "farang" giving ridiculous amounts of cash to their inlaws. One guy was telling me recently how his wife's uncle in Nakhon Nowhere was so kind and helpful looking after his wife's kids. All he gives is 1o,000 baht a month plus clothes etc for the kids! He seemed confused when I told him the cost of raising kids in an Isaan village and said , " but Jimmy in the same village gives 12,000 baht to the parents and my wife would lose face if I didn't give that much". Who gives a flying **** if his wife loses face - she used to be a Pattaya BG, how much more face can she actually lose? The truth is that she's ripping off her own husband and up here there's a lot of embarrassment for these girls if they don't manage to milk the foreigner. He doesn't even understand why his wife doesn't want him to learn Thai!!!!!!!!! My wife's not from Isarn but even from her part of the country it's similar.

The Thai way of doing things is for the family to help out but do you think this is really good? Why do you think government hospitals are so bad? They family goes in there, camps out and basically takes care of their family member who is the patient. The nurses now realise that they don't have to look after the patient.

Wouldn't it be better for the Thais to start a revolution against the poor welfare payments for the elderly in order to get more or to say, never mind, we are Thai and we look after our old? When I am old, however, it would be nice if my kids looked after me a bit but I'm going to make sure that if they don't I'll be ok.

My wife used to say the same about Western ways of looking after the old when she first went to Scotland and met my grandmother in sheltered housing, not even in the same city as her kids. However, now seeing her in a nursing home, she says it's wonderful the way she is looked after, being with other codgers, getting her daily dram, having singing parties etc. She's 99 and my parents or I don't have to pay a penny to help.

Helping out family is fine but make sure you're not being taken as a mug.

[Rob8891]

jake u would not last one minute in japan theres no issan women

Did you ever think that that is the reason he is in Isaan. I have been to Japan many times, it is not somewhere I would like to retire to. I will be retiring to Isaan.

@daftpunker

Idiotic post. 1. If you read what Jake has said, he does not live in Isaan. Learn some geography. 2. You feel somehow superior by going to Japan? I doubt that you'll be any more positive or sensible. Wherever you go, you won't get away from yourself: your negativity will always be with you. Never mind: Japan's loss will be Thailand's gain.

[Rob8891]

No two ways about it: there are a few people here who are deliberately trolling, and are (or are very close to) breaking forum rules, especially in ridiculing a poster for his writing style. Forum rules aside, they can't even come up to basic standards of common decency in the tone or content of their posts. They must be very dissatisfied with their lives (not their fault, of course) but they could never admit this, so they decide to behave like badly behaved schoolkids and try to ridicule people who care for their families.

You show yourselves up to be petty, immature and boorish, individuals. Happy now?

[metisdead]

Inflammatory and threatening posts have been removed as well as the replies. The discussion has veered off topic, settle down and keep it civil.

[brewsterbudgen]

I have a young Lao GF and have no problem in helping out her mother financially. If that makes it hard for the likes of Mr daftpunker, all the better!

lao issan dosent make much difference.If you enjoy being a walking atm up to you.Whats the ag difference between you guys?

Large enough, but it suits both of us.

[transam]

There seems to be a lot of negativity against looking after the Thai in-laws on here.

I for one think it is perfectably reasonable to help them out now and again due to the lack of social welfare in Thailand.

OAP's only get 500bhat a month from Thaksins goverment policy.

So the old rely on the young not like in the west where they are put in retirement homes and lose their assets to the goverment with inheritance tax etc.

The Thai way of doing things is more family orientated.

How would you want to spend your later years? - being cared for by your family and your assets going where they are rightfully intended.

or letting strangers care for your elderly and infirm relatives.

My Thai wife has already said on many occasions that she finds the wests way of caring for elder members of the family terrible.

With this in mind and i don't mean financing the whole village what do you think?

When I got married, I paid 100k sinsod which was going to be given back to me. It wasn't so I decided then that as they cheated me, I'd not give them a monthly "allowance". They asked for money for fishfarms and other business ventures. Everytime, I'd say sure, I'll give you 30,000 after you write out the repayment plan and show me your 1 year projected profit and other business plans. Well, guess what, they never did. Of course, we are family and we have helped out in emergencies - just last year we got the father-in-law out of jail for killing someone(his brother) whilst driving drunk. Cost me more than money - one of my get-out-of-jail-free cards.

If my brother and sister-in-law contribute to their parents, then I will too. If they don't, then guess what? So, I feel myself lucky that they ripped me off at the start. If I had agreed to pay them a monthly "wage" 12 years ago then I'd be most probably pissed off now and posting about it on internet forums to get "likes" by other mugs to make me feel that I wasn't a mug.

Like most FILs of foreigners here, mine is an alcoholic which is one reason my wife was attracted to me, but that's another story. I see many many co-dependant relationships here. I see many many people-pleasing "farang" giving ridiculous amounts of cash to their inlaws. One guy was telling me recently how his wife's uncle in Nakhon Nowhere was so kind and helpful looking after his wife's kids. All he gives is 1o,000 baht a month plus clothes etc for the kids! He seemed confused when I told him the cost of raising kids in an Isaan village and said , " but Jimmy in the same village gives 12,000 baht to the parents and my wife would lose face if I didn't give that much". Who gives a flying **** if his wife loses face - she used to be a Pattaya BG, how much more face can she actually lose? The truth is that she's ripping off her own husband and up here there's a lot of embarrassment for these girls if they don't manage to milk the foreigner. He doesn't even understand why his wife doesn't want him to learn Thai!!!!!!!!! My wife's not from Isarn but even from her part of the country it's similar.

The Thai way of doing things is for the family to help out but do you think this is really good? Why do you think government hospitals are so bad? They family goes in there, camps out and basically takes care of their family member who is the patient. The nurses now realise that they don't have to look after the patient.

Wouldn't it be better for the Thais to start a revolution against the poor welfare payments for the elderly in order to get more or to say, never mind, we are Thai and we look after our old? When I am old, however, it would be nice if my kids looked after me a bit but I'm going to make sure that if they don't I'll be ok.

My wife used to say the same about Western ways of looking after the old when she first went to Scotland and met my grandmother in sheltered housing, not even in the same city as her kids. However, now seeing her in a nursing home, she says it's wonderful the way she is looked after, being with other codgers, getting her daily dram, having singing parties etc. She's 99 and my parents or I don't have to pay a penny to help.

Helping out family is fine but make sure you're not being taken as a mug.

My wife's two ''hi-so'' sisters give nothing to their old mum. Mum sold everything to put these sisters through Uni.

[simple1]

I assisted my wife's BIL who has had some major medical problems (scared of poor treatment by the local government hospital so wanted a fee paying hospital) and loaned some money at no interest to pay off the black money lender otherwise he would have had a never ending high interest payment cycle. What was really disappointing was the BIL's wife then went out and borrowed black money to help out her son, thereby again entering the daily interest payment game. I have informed my wife no other family member will be getting a loan until BIL's debt paid off. I provided a no interest loan as that in itself saved them 5k a month in interest.

On a more positive note my wife has two unmarried unemployed elderly sisters who receive an OAP of 600 baht each a month from the Thai government. I provide money to my wife who visits them daily to prepare and provide their meals. Also as needed I pay for some extras such as clothing. Another Thai family member pays for their utilities.

As far as I am concerned this modest contribution is sufficient as I do not have a self perception and ego related view of a "walking ATM".

Edited October 15, 2012 by simple1

[daftpunker]

I have a young Lao GF and have no problem in helping out her mother financially. If that makes it hard for the likes of Mr daftpunker, all the better!

lao issan dosent make much difference.If you enjoy being a walking atm up to you.Whats the ag difference between you guys?

Large enough, but it suits both of us.

no its suits you. I think yOu will find she has no choice and that is sad.

[DrTuner]

Like most FILs of foreigners here, mine is an alcoholic

Where's here ? Can't say I've noticed that up in Isaan, most Thais with a Farang son-in-law that I know (around a dozen) are old geezers, but don't seem to be chronic drunks. The alcoholics usually kick the bucket before hitting 50.

[taninthai]

^

works both ways if he stops paying the money the girl will be gone so you can say the ferang has no choice but to pay ,of coarse the ferangs paying the money won't agree with this...,

[daftpunker]

^

works both ways if he stops paying the money the girl will be gone so you can say the ferang has no choice but to pay ,of coarse the ferangs paying the money won't agree with this...,

NO MONEY NO HONEY

[transam]

Like most FILs of foreigners here, mine is an alcoholic

Where's here ? Can't say I've noticed that up in Isaan, most Thais with a Farang son-in-law that I know (around a dozen) are old geezers, but don't seem to be chronic drunks. The alcoholics usually kick the bucket before hitting 50.

I'm still here. ........................................

[kennedy]

My wife's parents have been dead for over 45 yrs. She takes care of the the old woman across the soi.Brings her food when she runs low. takes her to the doctor when needed, and other errands the crippled old woman can't do. My wife has a good heart, and I'm proud to be married to her.

[daftpunker]

My wife's parents have been dead for over 45 yrs. She takes care of the the old woman across the soi.Brings her food when she runs low. takes her to the doctor when needed, and other errands the crippled old woman can't do. My wife has a good heart, and I'm proud to be married to her.

not the same is it,shes not asking u for money for it.

[taninthai]

^

works both ways if he stops paying the money the girl will be gone so you can say the ferang has no choice but to pay ,of coarse the ferangs paying the money won't agree with this...,

NO MONEY NO HONEY

Yep that about sums it up.

And of coarse the thai girls that enter these relationships just love the ferang that pay I have no doubt their favourite ferangs are the ones that pay and then don't even live here as they go away for months at a time to work ,if that's how peoPle wanna live their life up to them but it certainly ain't for me

[brewsterbudgen]

I have a young Lao GF and have no problem in helping out her mother financially. If that makes it hard for the likes of Mr daftpunker, all the better!

lao issan dosent make much difference.If you enjoy being a walking atm up to you.Whats the ag difference between you guys?

Large enough, but it suits both of us.

no its suits you. I think yOu will find she has no choice and that is sad.

She has plenty of choice, but after 3 years we're both quite happy. Just because you may have had difficulties sustaining a relationship doesn't mean everyone has, but it does explain your attitude!

[WebBangkok]

My mother inlaw lives with us.

But she is great, she looks after my daughter, makes breakfast and dinner (or goes to the market and buys).

I have a good relationship with my mother inlaw. The father inlaw is a different story but he doesnt live with us, he lives with his friend now. The father inlaw still gives his ex wife (mother inlaw) money every month which is a good thing.

The father inlaw has good morals, but he is just a bit of an a$$hole which nobody can stand.

Not like I have much of a say anyways when our house was actually my wifes house.

Most blokes I know have decent inlaws gathering what I have seen (it's not like we discuss it much). But I understand there can be problems with cultural differences.

But I do remember a time when I first came to Thailand and she moved in, she said I can't go out after 9pm lol which was obviously not going to happen.

[Neeranam]

Like most FILs of foreigners here, mine is an alcoholic

Where's here ? Can't say I've noticed that up in Isaan, most Thais with a Farang son-in-law that I know (around a dozen) are old geezers, but don't seem to be chronic drunks. The alcoholics usually kick the bucket before hitting 50.

Thailand. I am in Isarn now.

Maybe it's because I know so many drunks that my friends' FILs are/or were drunks. Yes, they often die young. Anyways, the daughters of drunks are attracted to drunks for hubands.

[Chittychangchang]

Like most FILs of foreigners here, mine is an alcoholic

Where's here ? Can't say I've noticed that up in Isaan, most Thais with a Farang son-in-law that I know (around a dozen) are old geezers, but don't seem to be chronic drunks. The alcoholics usually kick the bucket before hitting 50.

Thailand. I am in Isarn now.

Maybe it's because I know so many drunks that my friends' FILs are/or were drunks. Yes, they often die young. Anyways, the daughters of drunks are attracted to drunks for hubands.

I love a Chang like the next man, some might say i'm a changaholic. However my Thai wife and our in-laws don' touch it! Unless it's special family occasion or New Year.

Back on topic- When there is a family get together everyone comes with food and drink and we all sit around chatting for hours a big social occasion because everyone works all over, so these occasions only happen a few times a year.

[Vale Tudo]

seen a few of the exbargirl farang wives in the local area, play the "look what i have games with each other" trying to outdo each other at mainly the farang's expense, it is both a pathetic and revolting game.

there is a difference between, respecting and loving your inlaws and being taken for a ride by money/asset hungry leeches.

thai wives, in thai/thai relationships can also be guilty of the "look at what i have games".

Central Festival in Phuket is full of old guys with ex-bar girl wives and Luk Kreung kids.You can see the laser removal scars on their upper arms and they're constantly eyeing up younger guys,while their husbands are desperately looking around for who they'll be eyeing up next,it's hilarious!

[Vale Tudo]

My parents are in their 60's. They both have said that they will never retire because they would not know what to do with their time. (Both are doctors).

This is a consequence of working hard all of your life.

They do not need to worry about finances as they have saved and lived responsibly all of their lives. (unlike so many Thai's who squander money on items they cannot afford).

My parents have a very large combined income for the U.S., but I don't think my dad's ever owned a watch or a pair of shoes that cost more than $100 dollars.

The U.S. is not renowned for taking care of the old are sick either. That's why from an early age I was taught to get educated and save.

You cannot rely on other people to take care of you in your old age. I would not want nor expect it.

Back home I see elderly in their 70's, etc. who still work. I think for those westerners who are younger (like myself) the idea of retirement no longer exists.

Since the age of 18, I don't think a month has went by when I didn't put some money (no matter how small) in my savings account.

Quite a coincidence as most of the posters on here have married Chinese-Thai,Hi-So girls whose parents are both doctors as well!

[poanoi]

In case you think hi-so chink-thai dont exist, i was with one for 7-8 years,

only we couldnt go out in pattaya together, since she might been seen with a poor falang

Her family also threatened to cut her off the family in case she continued with me

Edited October 15, 2012 by poanoi

[Vale Tudo]

For me I agreed to send 10,000 baht per month to her parents nearly 10 years ago and has never stopped and they have never asked for more so personally I'm ok with our arrangement.

Bugger me!

They must be the richest family in the village bar none.

I give my MIL 3k a month, and she had to sign her farm over to her daughter (my wife) in return.

The siblings will inherit nothing as they contribute nothing.When MIL dies my wife will own two farms.

If I give out money, my (immediate) family get something in return, no exceptions.

Are you proud of forcing your dirt poor MIL to sign over her farm for the paltry sum of 3,000 baht per month?

Why don't you start your own TV show,'Victor Meldrew does Siam'?

[payak]

I had an ex who's mother quite obviously did not respect me, she was rude from the start and I gave her nothing because she asked for it.

My current mother inlaw is lovely, she does ok but sometimes I give her cash because I feel she is like a mother tio me, but she has never not once in all the years asked.

If people give it's there choice but be sure they look at you like family and respect and love you, take time before you give, I would never buy a house though, others may but it's not something I would do, I would not take a house off someone either.

Edited October 15, 2012 by payak

[giddyup]

seen a few of the exbargirl farang wives in the local area, play the "look what i have games with each other" trying to outdo each other at mainly the farang's expense, it is both a pathetic and revolting game.

there is a difference between, respecting and loving your inlaws and being taken for a ride by money/asset hungry leeches.

thai wives, in thai/thai relationships can also be guilty of the "look at what i have games".

Central Festival in Phuket is full of old guys with ex-bar girl wives and Luk Kreung kids.You can see the laser removal scars on their upper arms and they're constantly eyeing up younger guys,while their husbands are desperately looking around for who they'll be eyeing up next,it's hilarious!

Hilarious!

[GuestHouse]

All this begs a question.

I wonder just how many Expats in Thailand are more than happy to give the occasional helping hand to others (family, friends or just people they know/meet along life's journey) ...... but don't feel a compelling need to come here on TVF and post about how kind, generous and totally in touch with Thai culture they are?!

[Rob8891]

All this begs a question.

I wonder just how many Expats in Thailand are more than happy to give the occasional helping hand to others (family, friends or just people they know/meet along life's journey) ...... but don't feel a compelling need to come here on TVF and post about how kind, generous and totally in touch with Thai culture they are?!

I wonder how many expats in Thailand don't feel a compelling need to come here on TVF and post negative comments about others who care for their families. Haven't you tired of your silly game yet? Why do you have such a compuntion to come to Tv just to denigrate other people? You'd be a pschologist's wet dream

[GuestHouse]

And of course the definition of caring for your family - caring for anyone or anything - is dish out the cash, and the corollary argument is that if you are not dishing out the cash, you don't care.

The problem is, caring and supporting a family, a loved one, a friend or someone you just happen across in life cannot be condensed down to dishing out cash - If this is true then there is no basis to argue that people who dish out the cash care, and people who do not dish out the cash do not care.

Then the residue of the whole idea is not a universal definition of what constitutes caring - The residue is - surprise surprise - Dishing out the cash.