Funeral/whats The Protocol

[wigantojapan]

A close friend has just died.She will be cremated at the local temple.

What is the protocol regarding her mum and dad

.Do you give flowers?obviously offer condolenses ,but what else.

thank you for any info

[submaniac]

Usually what they do is the go to a florist and have a wreath made up. It has a sign on it with who it is from. The body will usually lie in state in the temple for a few days with the many wreaths there. At the funeral/cremation ceremony there will be a collection for the family (to help defray cost of a funeral).

I would also add that funerals in Thailand are more "workload intensive" than in the west. There will be alot of things to do at the temple as a part of the funeral rites. If this is a close friend you may want to help out at the temple. Like I said, this is not a one day affair (not usually at least), and there will always be plenty of things to do. There will constantly be family at the funeral. The monks will do different chants for the deceased. You could help out by bringing food to the family at the temple and for the monks. It depends on how close you were to your friend and how involved you want to be at the funeral. Also, the funeral rites may seem rather gruesome. One of the things they do is that they sometimes try to break the bones of the deceased. This apparently aids the deceased's body in staying in position. (The hands are tied together.)

[wigantojapan]

Usually what they do is the go to a florist and have a wreath made up. It has a sign on it with who it is from. The body will usually lie in state in the temple for a few days with the many wreaths there. At the funeral/cremation ceremony there will be a collection for the family (to help defray cost of a funeral).

I would also add that funerals in Thailand are more "workload intensive" than in the west. There will be alot of things to do at the temple as a part of the funeral rites. If this is a close friend you may want to help out at the temple. Like I said, this is not a one day affair (not usually at least), and there will always be plenty of things to do. There will constantly be family at the funeral. The monks will do different chants for the deceased. You could help out by bringing food to the family at the temple and for the monks. It depends on how close you were to your friend and how involved you want to be at the funeral. Also, the funeral rites may seem rather gruesome. One of the things they do is that they sometimes try to break the bones of the deceased. This apparently aids the deceased's body in staying in position. (The hands are tied together.)

thanks for the info.so the first thing is to get a wreath made up and present it

.Then chip in with any help that is needed

.Do the guys help out on the cooking,cutting up.or is that a female thing

[submaniac]

First off, let me offer my condolences and my apologies for not doing so in the original post.

Well, when I had to go through with it in my family the women usually did it...but I don't think it is gender specific such that a man couldn't help out. I mean alot of the food was from a restaurant really...so if it's food you could go offer to pick it up. There's actually alot of stuff to do.

I don't know how long ago she passed so I can see what "stage" of the funeral. After she died, someone most likely telephoned the temple to start a funeral (so first you have to choose the temple). At the morgue, my family bought the casket. We relatives hired a minibus to take the body to the temple and accompanied. The first day I believe is when they wanted to break the bones, wash the hands ritualistically, then place the body in the casket. The body was placed in the casket and left on altars that they put up in the temple (they put Christmas lights and whatnot to decorate). The body stays there for days or longer (for example if it is a member of the Thai Royal Family, the body lies in state for much longer). It depends on the wealth of the family I guess. Less wealthy families do shorter funeral rites.

Each day the family comes, eats, makes offerings to the monks, takes part in the chanting. People get hungry. People get thirsty. Someone needs to bring in food, water and other drinks. There's probably going to be alot of people coming and going. If you want to help out, I'm sure they would appreciate it. If in doubt just ask the family. Usually you will know who is in charge of the funeral. Just ask if there is anything you can do to help.

[wigantojapan]

First off, let me offer my condolences and my apologies for not doing so in the original post.

Well, when I had to go through with it in my family the women usually did it...but I don't think it is gender specific such that a man couldn't help out. I mean alot of the food was from a restaurant really...so if it's food you could go offer to pick it up. There's actually alot of stuff to do.

I don't know how long ago she passed so I can see what "stage" of the funeral. After she died, someone most likely telephoned the temple to start a funeral (so first you have to choose the temple). At the morgue, my family bought the casket. We relatives hired a minibus to take the body to the temple and accompanied. The first day I believe is when they wanted to break the bones, wash the hands ritualistically, then place the body in the casket. The body was placed in the casket and left on altars that they put up in the temple (they put Christmas lights and whatnot to decorate). The body stays there for days or longer (for example if it is a member of the Thai Royal Family, the body lies in state for much longer). It depends on the wealth of the family I guess. Less wealthy families do shorter funeral rites.

Each day the family comes, eats, makes offerings to the monks, takes part in the chanting. People get hungry. People get thirsty. Someone needs to bring in food, water and other drinks. There's probably going to be alot of people coming and going. If you want to help out, I'm sure they would appreciate it. If in doubt just ask the family. Usually you will know who is in charge of the funeral. Just ask if there is anything you can do to help.

thanks once again.The girl just passed away this morning.The temple is only around 1km from the family house

.I got my hair cut anyway but not completly bald as i read that is maybe for a young member of the family to become a novice monk

.Its in a small village up North so i will head up there tomorrow for the sunday burning of the body.,and do whats needed to be done.

The girl died young and was the main breadwinner for the family and still a bit shocked to tell you the truth

Anyway thanks for your kind words and information

[beano2274]

usually the men get drunk and the woman prepare the food and the areas, when the monks come to chant, the family members are usually at the front and give offerings to the monks, a lot of chanting goes on. The actual cremation will take place a few days later, and like already said it is not worth watching.

[David48]

Dress code is black or white or ... black and white.

Unless the person who 'went up' is more then 100 ... then the most colourful attire is encouraged.

[lungbing]

At all the funerals I've been to in Isaan the body is kept

in the person's home with a refrigerator unit around it.

This is hired from the temple. The coffin may have what

appear to be Christmas tree lights around it too.

In front of the coffin there is usually a container of sand with joss sticks in.

On your first visit take a new joss stick, light it on a candle that will be there,

kneel and pray briefly, wai the corpse and put your joss stick with the others.

At the funeral just follow the others. Unless you are part of the family there

will be others in front of you so you just follow them. It all seems very informal

and more like an Irish wake. In Isaan everybody at the funeral is given what

appears to be a palm frond like it's Palm Sunday. Put it with the others when

you file past the coffin in the crematorium.

It's possible the funeral procession will wend its way around the streets on the

way to the temple with people joining in as it passes their house. This being

Isaan the coffin is on the back of a pickup! And once I saw the pickup being

apparantly pulled by people with ribbons attached to the front, although the

truck was being driven.

After the funeral somebody in the family will throw a trayfull of tissue paper

wrapped low value coins to the children there. I still have one from my wife's

great-grandfather's funeral.

This is Isaan and your funeral may be slightly different.

I'm always amused by the settee placed at the front for the

"important people" to sit on.

Wai the monks, they don't wai back. Wai the important people

if they deign to notice you. Face is all.

And one final interesting note. At my wife's great-grandfather's funeral the flame to

light the funeral pyre was brought from Bangkok in a lantern of some sort and

a tall umbrella was held over it as it was brought out of the car and we all had to stand.

His family did work in the Grand Palace and indeed my mother-in-law was born and

educated there.

[wigantojapan]

At all the funerals I've been to in Isaan the body is kept

in the person's home with a refrigerator unit around it.

This is hired from the temple. The coffin may have what

appear to be Christmas tree lights around it too.

In front of the coffin there is usually a container of sand with joss sticks in.

On your first visit take a new joss stick, light it on a candle that will be there,

kneel and pray briefly, wai the corpse and put your joss stick with the others.

At the funeral just follow the others. Unless you are part of the family there

will be others in front of you so you just follow them. It all seems very informal

and more like an Irish wake. In Isaan everybody at the funeral is given what

appears to be a palm frond like it's Palm Sunday. Put it with the others when

you file past the coffin in the crematorium.

It's possible the funeral procession will wend its way around the streets on the

way to the temple with people joining in as it passes their house. This being

Isaan the coffin is on the back of a pickup! And once I saw the pickup being

apparantly pulled by people with ribbons attached to the front, although the

truck was being driven.

After the funeral somebody in the family will throw a trayfull of tissue paper

wrapped low value coins to the children there. I still have one from my wife's

great-grandfather's funeral.

This is Isaan and your funeral may be slightly different.

I'm always amused by the settee placed at the front for the

"important people" to sit on.

Wai the monks, they don't wai back. Wai the important people

if they deign to notice you. Face is all.

And one final interesting note. At my wife's great-grandfather's funeral the flame to

light the funeral pyre was brought from Bangkok in a lantern of some sort and

a tall umbrella was held over it as it was brought out of the car and we all had to stand.

His family did work in the Grand Palace and indeed my mother-in-law was born and

educated there.

Thanks for the detailed information.

The cremation ground is only 100 metres from my house actually and i have seen many passing through and more or less described as the same as the Isaan ,,,,,,,,,,just more the inner details of the flowers...joss sticks ....i wanted clarified..thanks everyone

[BigJohnnyBKK]

I'm amazed that no one's mentioned that the whole procedure is also very expensive, so if you can afford to chip in, even if you don't perceive that it's expected of you, to the extent this was truly a close friend and you have good relationships with her family, you should do so.

It is certainly the case that the farang partner of a Thai will be expected to kick in a substantial amount for the expenses of a family member's passing, even in "more respectable" circles.

Of course in some circles this obligation is abused as just another part of the "girl extracting AMAPAQAP from the stupid farang" scam syndrome, but that doesn't mean it isn't a legitimate cultural expectation the rest of the time.

Of course up to you, just be aware of the consequences of ignoring such expectations and be prepared to wear them if you choose to do so.