Inlaw Advice

[TommoPhysicist]

The trick would be to understand going in that it's a financial transaction, that it's not an overwhelming two-sided forever love, and that it will end.

Call me bitter if you like, but I have come to realize that almost every relationship (than involves sex) is a financial transaction and that lasting love (forever) is a Hollywood fantasy.

[Semper]

Actually taking care of their kids might be something you and your wife voluntarily choose to do, it's a very rewarding experience if you enjoy kids, and may satisfy her clucky urges without having to spawn your own.

Such arrangements are pretty normal here even though our cultures labels it as "irresponsible" the "it takes a village" approach often actually works out better than the isolated nuclear or even worse poor single mum scenario so prevalent back home.

But of course they should contribute to the financial support. . .

So would YOU take care of someone else's kids ?.

Most of us expats do this, but only the kids that belongs to the wife (until they are mature enough to start working. Then they're on their own.

[BigJohnnyBKK]

Call me bitter if you like, but I have come to realize that almost every relationship (than involves sex) is a financial transaction and that lasting love (forever) is a Hollywood fantasy.

I prefer that they all start out that way, but what I call real love does come along once in a while.

True that nothing lasts forever though.

[Kimera]

Usually the birth parent will want their kids to be raised in the household with the greatest resources, so their nutrition and education will be taken care of properly.

I can completely agree with this.

Thai society has no expectation that a child needs to be raised by either of it's birth parents.

In our extended family there is a husband and wife who are school teachers and unable to have children. Many mothers just pass their offspring along to the teachers who are more than happy to bring them up, no contributions required. Western people often are shocked or fail to understand this basic difference between our two societies. I personally see nothing wrong with it.

Ah well now what you are describing is good, now lets look at the other more common side, the child left with the grandparents in Issan ends with the girl pregnant at thirteen with little education and no future, and the boy a lazy dreamer, its happened in my family more than once

[BigJohnnyBKK]

Ah well now what you are describing is good, now lets look at the other more common side, the child left with the grandparents in Issan ends with the girl pregnant at thirteen with little education and no future, and the boy a lazy dreamer, its happened in my family more than once

Absolutely, which is why I'm suggesting the OP should at least consider taking on the role of "temporary dad" in order to give the youngsters a better start, especially since he'd be getting rid of their pesky parents as part of the deal.

Not for everyone I admit, but also not an option to dismiss out of hand just because of our own limited cultural programming as to what is "right" for kids, and it seems obvious they're not going to be going along with mum and her new husband to the promised land.

I think the kids you're talking about would often be much worse off being exposed without parental supervision to urban ways.

Of course the ideal would be to improve the quality of social services and educational opportunities (particularly sex ed wrt birth control) in the countryside.

Edited November 9, 2012 by BigJohnnyBKK

[farangme]

All true, but note that buying houses and cars only implies giving up power if you value them over your self-respect and peace of mind. I know lots of guys that are happy to walk away from material stuff, doesn't mean much in the long run does it.

If I may quibble here (it appears to me my day for quibbling your posts)

Buying someone else houses and cars only gives up your power if you have limited resources.

Bill Gates, Rod Stewart, et al. wouldn't give a toss about such piddling losses.

I'm sure if the OP didn't have such limited resources, he would merely buy a new house and move into it alone (or with a new woman).

Such limited resources? Merely buy a new house? Dude, please. Do you pull this stuff out of your arse?

First, already have another home of my own.

Two, is that really your solution to your problems? Just run away?

Third, didn't just buy others houses and cars. Again, pull this outta your butt? Just because something is in the wifes name...so what? Do you really think that in TL a little piece of paper is going to protect you if push comes to shove. Who's the naive one? If you don't trust your wife, shouldn't be married in the first place and stick to renting everything in TL.

Some on here are unbelievably bitter, live in a black and white world of generalizations and paranoia, and seem to learn nothing from the culture.

The reason for the topic was to gain any additional insight into the Thai mindset regarding the topic and how best to handle this stage of moving the families black sheep sibling on her way.

Yeah, make the last resort one's first course of action. Classic droll.

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[farangme]

Usually the birth parent will want their kids to be raised in the household with the greatest resources, so their nutrition and education will be taken care of properly.

I can completely agree with this.

Thai society has no expectation that a child needs to be raised by either of it's birth parents.

In our extended family there is a husband and wife who are school teachers and unable to have children. Many mothers just pass their offspring along to the teachers who are more than happy to bring them up, no contributions required. Western people often are shocked or fail to understand this basic difference between our two societies. I personally see nothing wrong with it.

I have no personal objection to this either. However, I don't care for the drama and chaos, am satisfied I've done my part to assist the family, and now its time for them to move on.

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[farangme]

I honestly cannot believe what i read when i come here, some of you guys are so bitter and twisted...Yes there are a lot of horror stories caused by Naive farangs and greedy thais but is that all there is ??.

I have also seen first hand some very strong and fairy story type relationships. What is the old saying - what rings my bell maybe does'nt ring yours. I have been with my wife for 25 years, 2 great kids and i would not change a thing.

The so called arm chair experts are the first guys to moan about thailand and thais..but guess what it is NOT their country and their culture but most of all "they are not you". I have had school teachers here (been here 10mins) tell me how to run my life, and they only met me in a bar...i just laugh and tell them to FO

I have lived here now for 28 years......, do i have problems- yes some times.......do i get frustrated - of course.....do i understand the thais - i thought i did but now i know i don't or probably ever will...would i go back to the UK and live - are you kidding NFW.

There is a lot of good advice out there and as for me i can honestly say...I live here on my terms....yes if i could'nt afford to lose it I would not spend it (this applies to most farangs here as they cant afford it ) ....why would you come to Thailand and expect them to have the same culture as an Ausssie,German,Brit or yank (did you not come here because it was different).

Most of the farangs who tell (not advise) you how good they understand or speak thai, how experienced they are in the thai culltural understanding etc, generally have proven to me to be sad little guys who either end up going bush or disappearing into the haze, never to be seen again.

So Farangme...my honest advice to you would be to look inside yourself...then talk to your other half....then weigh up what the pros and cons are, then decide...after all only you can decided what you really want out of all this.

Bitter and twisted advice usually comes from bitter and twisted people.

Good Luck

Thanks Pon. Things are being worked out now. Life happens. Just need to try and work through things. Most problems can be sorted out, as such, this will be to.

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[farangme]

All true, but note that buying houses and cars only implies giving up power if you value them over your self-respect and peace of mind. I know lots of guys that are happy to walk away from material stuff, doesn't mean much in the long run does it.

Not to mention the fact that such items are simply chump change for some as well.

Wise words. Even in the West a woman can be expensive and every man knows that going in.

I "think" I already said this (old age, you know) but I did the math. IF one wanted to move into a village in Isaan to have a beautiful young thing climb into his bed at night and to experience all that goes with that life, he could, after 5 years, walk away from a modest house, a scooter and modest support over that time, and still be better off financially than if he'd spent that same time living in big city US. He should own the car in his name and drive away.

The trick would be to understand going in that it's a financial transaction, that it's not an overwhelming two-sided forever love, and that it will end.

Agree completely. Puppy love is for kids. A pragmatic, mutually beneficial relationship is best. As for marriage in the west, now that really is a high risk proposition best to be avoided. From that you cannot likely just walk away.

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[BEVUP]

Just my storie

i uderstand your fustration as a week is turning into a month, & i dont mind helping family either so told the wife straight from the begining no longer than 3 days

I agree with post 82 as i witness it at my place (live next door to inlaws)

You might be surprised as to whos pulling the strings ie Mum still alive & at all costs family will be waing her as NO 1

The family know now to keep there distance

And for the guys who say yu are to lose everything is not quiet right ie From reading threads i thought everything yu owned after marriage was 50/50 (of course they can sell since in there name)

Ive pointed out to the wife it doent work for me & if tries can FO

[Grumbles]

I honestly cannot believe what i read when i come here, some of you guys are so bitter and twisted...Yes there are a lot of horror stories caused by Naive farangs and greedy thais but is that all there is ??.

I have also seen first hand some very strong and fairy story type relationships. What is the old saying - what rings my bell maybe does'nt ring yours. I have been with my wife for 25 years, 2 great kids and i would not change a thing.

The so called arm chair experts are the first guys to moan about thailand and thais..but guess what it is NOT their country and their culture but most of all "they are not you". I have had school teachers here (been here 10mins) tell me how to run my life, and they only met me in a bar...i just laugh and tell them to FO

I have lived here now for 28 years......, do i have problems- yes some times.......do i get frustrated - of course.....do i understand the thais - i thought i did but now i know i don't or probably ever will...would i go back to the UK and live - are you kidding NFW.

There is a lot of good advice out there and as for me i can honestly say...I live here on my terms....yes if i could'nt afford to lose it I would not spend it (this applies to most farangs here as they cant afford it ) ....why would you come to Thailand and expect them to have the same culture as an Ausssie,German,Brit or yank (did you not come here because it was different).

Most of the farangs who tell (not advise) you how good they understand or speak thai, how experienced they are in the thai culltural understanding etc, generally have proven to me to be sad little guys who either end up going bush or disappearing into the haze, never to be seen again.

So Farangme...my honest advice to you would be to look inside yourself...then talk to your other half....then weigh up what the pros and cons are, then decide...after all only you can decided what you really want out of all this.

Bitter and twisted advice usually comes from bitter and twisted people.

Good Luck

Thanks Pon. Things are being worked out now. Life happens. Just need to try and work through things. Most problems can be sorted out, as such, this will be to.

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I think the main issue here, (it would be for me) is not so much having to support the SIL who had fallen on hard times, but the freeloading faring who should know better.

It's common knowledge that one can be expected to help the family from time to time.

I don't have a problem with that, here or in Oz. but if someone starts extracting the urine then it stops.

But footing the bill for a complete stranger is not on. It's a bit like a stranger in a bar in Pattaya asking you to pay the bar fine for his new love.

[BigJohnnyBKK]

And for the guys who say yu are to lose everything is not quiet right ie From reading threads i thought everything yu owned after marriage was 50/50 (of course they can sell since in there name)

Most land offices these days - especially in farang-common areas, apparently don't allow mia farang to register property without a signed statement to the effect that none of the foreigner's money is going into the property and that it all will remain 100% the TGs property in the event of a split.

Bottom line to avoid disappointment - consider it in your heart of heart an outright gift at the time of purchase. If you ever get anything more than a temporary place to hang your hat as long as the money's flowing in, then you can be pleasantly surprised.

[BigJohnnyBKK]

I think the main issue here, (it would be for me) is not so much having to support the SIL who had fallen on hard times, but the freeloading faring who should know better.

It's common knowledge that one can be expected to help the family from time to time.

I don't have a problem with that, here or in Oz. but if someone starts extracting the urine then it stops.

But footing the bill for a complete stranger is not on. It's a bit like a stranger in a bar in Pattaya asking you to pay the bar fine for his new love.

And that's exactly the OPs point innit.

Can't blame the freeloader though, I'm sure seemed like a great setup and not like he had to con anyone, maybe didn't even have to ask the favor it seems to have just worked out that way 8-)

My approach is default "no way" for any changes to the deal package that aren't in my favour, and then to maybe allow myself to be persuaded through whatever tactics they like (sometimes even rational logic 8) over a period of time following.

And never allow any surprises, automatic no when anyone just shows up unannounced at the door, even yai and dta. Everyone knows they need to call ahead and ask if it's OK to visit, and just to keep the boundary lines bright and clear you need to be ready with a "not convenient at this time" at least 20% of the time. And yes put up with bunch of petulant pouting for a while, but then I've come to see that as kinda cute once I know it's just part of the game. . .

[farangme]

All the talk about property ownership is not a concern at this time. I've always made it clear that any personal or financial infidelity will be an instant game over with no second chances. Not at issue here.

Re: the SIL situation, I put the onous on her. The BiL is a young guy in puppy love and I suspect is being led by her representations and desires. Regardless, its come down to me laying out the end game, which I now have. As they say, the honeymoon is over. My bigger concern is that the SiL will screw things up and come knocking on our door again, which I've made clear won't be accommodated.

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[farang000999]

I hope the young farang does not seduce your wife and have a threesome because that happened in a movie I saw once.

[farangme]

I think the main issue here, (it would be for me) is not so much having to support the SIL who had fallen on hard times, but the freeloading faring who should know better.

It's common knowledge that one can be expected to help the family from time to time.

I don't have a problem with that, here or in Oz. but if someone starts extracting the urine then it stops.

But footing the bill for a complete stranger is not on. It's a bit like a stranger in a bar in Pattaya asking you to pay the bar fine for his new love.

And that's exactly the OPs point innit.

Can't blame the freeloader though, I'm sure seemed like a great setup and not like he had to con anyone, maybe didn't even have to ask the favor it seems to have just worked out that way 8-)

My approach is default "no way" for any changes to the deal package that aren't in my favour, and then to maybe allow myself to be persuaded through whatever tactics they like (sometimes even rational logic 8) over a period of time following.

And never allow any surprises, automatic no when anyone just shows up unannounced at the door, even yai and dta. Everyone knows they need to call ahead and ask if it's OK to visit, and just to keep the boundary lines bright and clear you need to be ready with a "not convenient at this time" at least 20% of the time. And yes put up with bunch of petulant pouting for a while, but then I've come to see that as kinda cute once I know it's just part of the game. . .

Yes. Recently turned a half dozen unannounced would be overnighters away. Wasn't pretty, but f it. I didn't lose any sleep over it and ever since the wife has requested advance approval in these regards. I guess sometimes it takes a few ugly incidents to demonstrate your resolve and that you will not jai yen to everything.

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[farangme]

I hope the young farang does not seduce your wife and have a threesome because that happened in a movie I saw once.

Yeah. Sure. Most women want to get naked and have a threesome with their sister. Seriously......

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[NeverSure]

I hope the young farang does not seduce your wife and have a threesome because that happened in a movie I saw once.

Yeah. Sure. Most women want to get naked and have a threesome with their sister. Seriously......

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I have to give you kudos here. You've stayed really calm through all of the, let's say non-essential posts. You also seem to be staying pretty calm and resolved with your family issues. Congrats.

[mauGR1]

I hope the young farang does not seduce your wife and have a threesome because that happened in a movie I saw once.

Yeah. Sure. Most women want to get naked and have a threesome with their sister. Seriously......

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I have to give you kudos here. You've stayed really calm through all of the, let's say non-essential posts. You also seem to be staying pretty calm and resolved with your family issues. Congrats.

Yes, my respect for the OP too.

[shaggy1969]

If I were you fella I would be having a quiet word with the young husband and tell him that it is time that he started getting his sh#t together and start taking responsibilities for his new wife and family, also to stop taking the mickey out of you and your missuses good nature.Tell him that it is not his holiday home it is your home....don't bite the hand that feeds you.....also respect for patience.

Shaggy