Best Way To Resolve Relationship Problem With Thai Wife ?

[swlondonmum]

Hi, your wife sounds like she is in a similar situation to me so I can understand some of the things she might be going through. I know everyone is different and not all women are the same, or men, or Thais or Westerners but there are some cultural/gender generalisations which may help - just don't use a generalisation as an excuse ( ie 'Thai's never say sorry so you always have to' or 'all women are crazy hormonal messes, so will always be moody that time of the month) Disclaimer over and back to my situation.

The thing I find hard about being a woman abroad with a child is the lack of support THAT YOU WANT. it's undeniable that for various reasons, women are often more involved with their children than the father, especially when they are young, and they want the support and culture around them that THEY are used to, not that of the country they are in. I have had many offers of help of the type that my husband's Thai family would find normal but it's not the kind of help I want. She may be missing Thai help and support which is often different to western help and support with your child. I am luckier because our son was brought up in my country (uk) but I still found it hard coming to Thailand with a 3yr old and not having people with my culture around to help me. I dont mind having a lot of Thai influence on my son, by the way, it's more the effect on me and the support I need.

Does she have any Thai friends? My husband found it hard in London where there are thousands of Thai people, including guys his age. They still weren't HIS friends or from HIS city - just because someone is Thai and the same age and gender doesnt mean you'll get on. I have found it much harder coming to a city in Isaan where there are only a handful of western women let alone any of the same age or country (let alone having something in common!). Of course your wife can make friends where you are and that is important for making roots and settling into a country but you still need friends from your culture at times, something I appreciate more now that I don't have it. I don't know where you live but is there any way she can meet more Thai people (you may have already tried this) - failing that at least getting her access to Thai TV or her fave food can help - they sound small but helped my hubby. Can you cook Thai food for her?

And finally the going out - it's not unusual for guys of any nationality to go out after they have kids but most rein it in a bit in order to pull their fair share of the weight around the house/with the kids/spend time with the family. Most of my hubby's friends with kids here go out with their mates once a week or maybe twice but the wives can go out with their girl friends (often easier in Thailand with childcare). Does she have a social life or get to go and have nights out with or without you? Linked to the above part about friends of course. I feel down sometimes as my hubby can go out with his friends any time but I don't have friends to go out with here - i go out with him and his friends or family but sometimes I want my own social life too. I don't want to stop him going out but it's hard not to feel resentful sometimes!!

People react in different ways to feeling trapped or isolated. My husband reacts similarly to your wife as in the sulking, the not speaking, the not apologising and the not wanting to talk things through. So whether or not it's a Thai thing, it's certainly not only a female thing! But we HAVE sat down and talked through things and he admitted he doesn't usually say sorry ( including friends, family etc) but he does now sometimes as he understands I need to hear it sometimes. He has cut down on the length of the sulking a bit. And I've just had to accept he is a different person to me and that's his way so I just try to ignore aspects that annoy me and focus on the fact that he is trying. I'm sure there are plenty of things about me that are annoying too. Also the fact that we've sat down and talked things through sometimes DOESN'T mean he wants to do that EVERY time we argue.

Just try and keep in mind that your daughter is the most important thing in all this - she will be picking up vibes everytime you guys argue or don't speak or you walk out. Sorry to generalise but I have found that in Thailand people 'protect' their kids less from adult experiences (not judging, just an observation) - death, violence etc and dont seem to have an issue with arguing in front of kids. I've explained to my hubby that this is one thing I can't compromise on and we try to restrict arguing and adult discussions about our relationship to when he is asleep or at school. By the way it's hard to fault her on the language thing as she is speaking your language but it can be difficult and we have had many misunderstandings over language, esecially when cultural/language differences means that things can sounds really offensive if you translate them directly (she may be trying to express Thai things which then sound bad when you say them in English)

Sorry for going on so much but i can't help going into loads of detail!!! Hope some if it is useful and that you guys get through this :-)

[fire and ice]

transam, no its wrong to say forget the thai connection, thai woman are very different to western woman . also, why do many people argue ? ok my wife has a bad temper, i have a bad temper but to be very honest it is nothing like hers. i drink and go out at weekends, i do not go with other woman, my wifes english is very very bad , this alone causes many arguments. generally she is allways moody and has a built up anger within her, something is making her angry i do not know what . i have asked her to see doctor in past who gave her anti depressants but she only stays on them a week then stops taking them. it could run in her family as her sister is one of the most volatile people i have ever in my life come across ( a very brutal, cruel woman ) i once saw her sister smash her 7 year old daughter across the face with her hand and broke that childs nose , i will never forget that. when i look at her sister i see a bit of my wife in her . my wife has never slapped our daughter but she has cursed at her and raised her vioce an awfull lot, this also causes problems between us.

my wife is about to get her permanent resident visa and she also has money in a thai bank ( joint foreign investment fund ) in both our names, i am starting to get paranoid and think that now she knows she has everything she can drop me because ive done everything for her now ? paranoid maybe ? i just dont know.

wish there were more thai woman to ask for advice .

Antidepressants? That's nuts! A person can't be depressed AND get angry. Depression is caused by holding anger in (ie: never getting angry). If she lets it out then its a positive sign she is NOT depressed and should not be on antidepressants. By the sounds of it she is within a "normally neurotic" percentage of the population and most likely not extremely anxious either (extreme anxiety is the opposite of depression). She probably doesn't need any medication but therapy. I imagine there is a fat chance of that happening though.

If she is building up energy then it has to come out somehow (to keep holding on to this energy is highly self destructive - far worse that what you witness at present). Her angry releases are a "necessary evil" short of proper somatic psychotherapy. You may want to toy with the idea of something other than you 'triggering" her anger/energy release thereby helping her to release her pent up energy such that it is not at your expense. Subtlety working on finding another outlet for her will help.

Of course her pent up energy does not have to come out as anger - if there's any chance you can get her to engage in some other physical activity it will help.

I hope for your sake the build up of energy is not sexual meaning that you dont satisfy her & thereby its hard to release it. Women lose sexual attraction for men that pander ot them and men that dont take charge etc. If you are always being sorry and trying to change because she asks you to then this could be happening.... If she says something like "dont you dare" then come back at her with "I double dare" & do "it" more-so - women respect that, the wont respect you if you back down.

Edited December 9, 2012 by fire and ice

[dapsolapsalai]

A person can't be depressed AND get angry. Depression is caused by holding anger in (ie: never getting angry).

are you sure about this?

[rene123]

And yes, Thais do say sorry. At least my husband does.

Could be hormonal, could be she is lonely and depressed living far from home in a cold wet miserable place with a husband who goes out with his mates and leaves her alone to take care of the baby. Just sayin.

I would agree with sbk. If your wife speaks limited English and she is living in a cold climate without family and friends it is understandable that she might be angry. Even young children get angry when something is bothering them and they can't understand why. I think I would be angry if I was in a foreign country I didn't like and had no means to fix the problem. There ARE advantages to being single as I am finding out more each day.

[Choonpon]

Living in a foreign country, away from your home country, in a totally new environment, has its tolls. Wife could be feeling insecured, plus the post natal blues. It would be great to mix in a thai community there, so she will have some friends she can confide in.

[submaniac]

A person can't be depressed AND get angry. Depression is caused by holding anger in (ie: never getting angry).

are you sure about this?

This is not true. You can be depressed and irritable/angry. In addition, the depression could also be related/part of bipolar disorder. Depressive then manic. It's more complicated than that of course, but in a nutshell, just because you have depression does not mean you can't also have anger issues.

Just to add my thoughts, OP I believe the issues may be beyond your ability to "fix" yourself. If she has been prescribed medication in the past, and there is volatility in the family, there could be a chemical imbalance or other psychological issues that need to be addressed by doctor or other professional. I applaud your efforts to have her see a doctor. At the very least, i would try some type of couples therapy. I've done that before, and it does help having a 3rd party give an opinion from an unbiased viewpoint. I just think you're past the point of "it's just a phase" or "I will help just by being there and being supportive". There's only so much a person can really do, and without proper remedies, the problems will never really go away. And I don't think you, or anyone else, wants to go through the rest of their life like that.

Edited December 28, 2012 by submaniac

[sbk]

Could be, but I can tell you that if I were stuck at home alone with a baby all the time and my husband went out drinking with his mates, I would be a tad less than pleased.

[maprao]

It took me a decade but now if I am not happy instead of blurting something out that I may regret later I do what she does. I go quiet. If she was in the wrong everything goes back to normal if I was in the wrong the silence lasts all day. I found that it was easier to adopt her ways.

Edited December 28, 2012 by maprao

[wprime]

Her attitude is very typical of Thai women. If you leave your home, apologise and give in to her you give her the upper hand which she will use against you. If you fight her on the matter she will use it against you too.

It doesn't matter what you do, she will treat it with hostility because she is obviously not happy and she blames this on everything and everyone around her (which I'm assuming is you most of the time). You need to get to the underlying root of the problem, find out why she's unhappy. I don't know anything about you two so I can't comment on her reasons, but here are a few suggestions:

- lack of happy influence, is she around any happy people? Thai people need to have frequent contact with happy people in order to remain happy - this is one of the reason so many of them break down in the west. Introduce her to the local Thai community, find friends for her.

- she misses her home, her family, maybe it's time for a holiday back home.

- she's stressed about UK life, life in Thailand is much simpler, she probably didn't have to cook, didn't have to clean much, help her out around the house

The trick with Thai women is to be good to them, treat them well, but don't give them any power - if they're happy they will never crave it.

[TommoPhysicist]

The trick with Thai women is to be good to them, treat them well, but don't give them any power - if they're happy they will never crave it.

Actually, the trick with Thai women is not to take them out of Thailand.

[rene123]

The trick with Thai women is to be good to them, treat them well, but don't give them any power - if they're happy they will never crave it.

Actually, the trick with Thai women is not to take them out of Thailand.

That would be true just about anywhere if the language of the country was different. And, what sbk said is so very true...

Could be, but I can tell you that if I were stuck at home alone with a baby all the time and my husband went out drinking with his mates, I would be a tad less than pleased.

[spiritrace]

You might read up on the symptoms of depression and then learn how to deal with it.....I knew there was a problem when I met my wife. Depression, once recognized is much easier to deal with.

[rsokolowski]

I have been married to a Thai woman for 20 years. We have had a couple of arguments but she has never not spoke to me for 3-4 days. I do not think this is normal for any relationship in any country. She has an issue that needs to be fixed.

[rsokolowski]

The trick with Thai women is to be good to them, treat them well, but don't give them any power - if they're happy they will never crave it.

Actually, the trick with Thai women is not to take them out of Thailand.

My wife has been in the USA for twenty years, and she has only gotten better with time.

[BEENTHEREDONETHAT]

Treat her as you would like to be treated. If you wouldn't like it she probably wouldn't either.

[NanLaew]

The OP also mentioned that the sex life isn't good at all. That also needs to be taken care of. Post natal depression is well documented but to a lesser degree, some guys go off the idea of sex with the mother of their child, leaving the mother with feelings of being less desirable and this in turn can cause her to resent the child. It can be hard to rediscover intimacy when there's a rug rat or two living with you but it is essential that you do which may mean being extra creative.

PS. My soon to be 5 year old (but apparently knows everything already) boy almost caught mum and myself in the shower this morning. Now he knows about the importance of regularly inspecting the grout (but must remember to lock the doors next time).