Thai Friend Wants Me to Become an In-Law.... in 8 Years.

[pjthefey]

Although I am American, I've been living in ASia for the last few years. I currently live in Korea, but I am strongly considering moving to Thailand due to my friends there.

With that said, my best friend in Thailand has started beating me over the head with a suggestion that leaves me baffled - "Why don't you marry my cousin's daughter in 8 years?"

At first I thought it was a joke, but the topic has come up in our last three conversations. Why wait 8 years? ... because the girl is currently NINE! I will paraphrase my friend's response to "Did you just try to set me up with a nine year old? Are you serious?"

"You good man. I tell her mom you good man. In my house no one care about old guy if he good man. In 8 years, you 40, she 18. It's good for you. I know you take good care of her, and mama happy because don't have to worry about her if she has good man."

To take things a step further, she said that the next time I come to Thailand (at the end of January) she wants me to come to her home and meet her family.

This is likely the biggest culture shock I've experienced since spending time In China, Korea, and Thailand.

Is this in any way normal?

I've been half convinced for a while now that my friend really wants to be in a romantic relationship with me, but is afraid to commit to anyone because she's been mega-burned in the past. We are about the same age. In any case, I've been under the impression that if a Thai woman wants a man to meet her family in ANY situation, it is a pretty big deal.

It'd love to hear from people who have far more experience with Thai culture than I do.

Edited January 3, 2014 by pjthefey

[Costas2008]

Run......Do not pass go........Do not collect 200!

Edited January 3, 2014 by Costas2008

[pjthefey]

lol. My friend and I are actually really close. We talk almost every day and care about each other a lot. I don't want to give up the friendship.

I've just never been handed an arranged marriage before on a silver platter (or on any other platter for that matter).

[Costas2008]

I believe you also know the answer to your question.

If as you say he is a good friend try to explain to him that these things do not happen today, specially with a 9 year old minor.

Also that you are not accustomed to propositions like that.

Anyway you can always politely reject it.

I hope you are not seriously thinking of the proposition!

[pjthefey]

Well, I try not to judge other cultures, and Thai culture is still fairly new to me compared to others.

I was honestly unsure if arranged marriages still happen in Thailand with any frequency.

[tingtong]

is your friend a she?

the same age as you are?

if yes, and yes, + you said you are close, chance are she wants to tease you, and what really think is that she would be the one getting married to you...your job is to realize she is interested, and waiting you suggest that you would like to have someone closer in age to marry ( just like her)...

the bait is there, it is up to you to bite it or not

[siamjimi]

I agree with the posts that say "RUN"

[pjthefey]

is your friend a she?

the same age as you are?

if yes, and yes, + you said you are close, chance are she wants to tease you, and what really think is that she would be the one getting married to you...your job is to realize she is interested, and waiting you suggest that you would like to have someone closer in age to marry ( just like her)...

the bait is there, it is up to you to bite it or not

Yeah my friend is a she. For a while I've felt that she's been interested in more than just a friendship, but each time I mention it, she says "We just really good friends, I don't want boyfriend". She's 29, I'm 32. Our birthdays are actually the same week, so soon she'll be 30 and I'll be 33. I've tried to "bite" a couple of times but she moved out of the way each time.

Whatever. I wouldn't mind being in a relationship with her, we could be happy, but at the same time I am not obsessed with her.

She can do or say what she wants. I care more about the friendship.

[finnomick]

Arranged marriages do still happen here but not so often as say, 20 years ago. As someone already posted, she may be trying you out for herself but on the other hand, the family meeting could be to persuade you to ' put a deposit ' down ready for 8 years hence. Advice = be careful in a friendly manner

[Pinot]

Tell your good friend, that this is impossible and never to bring it up again. Repeat, please do not ever talk to me about this again. And no it's not normal in Thailand.

[Utley]

Your friend's offer has nothing to do with romance or culture but everything to do about money and financial security, IMHO.

[Wordworx]

Just my opinion, but reeks of a manipulative setup. If not the (stupid and fraudulent - one hopes) concept of the 9-year-old eight years later (!), she'll get you on something else. Recommend you get a new "friend", maybe one not previously "mega burned" (so she says) and perhaps looking to make up for it by sticking it to the next guy (you).

Really, maybe best to change your travel plans. No offense, but the idea you are even deliberating on this suggests you may not be ready for the Thai *social scene.*

Edited January 4, 2014 by Wordworx

[jackflash]

I see this a lot:.

In the West we (usually) marry for Love.

In the East, people (often) marry for more strategic reasons (eg money or status).

Traditionally marriages were often mapped out generations ahead.

[LukKrueng]

1. To take things a step further, she said that the next time I come to Thailand (at the end of January) she wants me to come to her home and meet her family.

2.

I believe you also know the answer to your question.

If as you say he is a good friend try to explain to him that these things do not happen today, specially with a 9 year old minor.

Also that you are not accustomed to propositions like that.

Anyway you can always politely reject it.

I hope you are not seriously thinking of the proposition!

Meeting the family in Thailand doesn't have the same meaning / weight as in the west. It's not necessity the last step before a wedding.

Arranged marriages are very common among Indians, I don't know of any case among Thais - let alone from such a young age.

And as for all those commenting about the relationship with a 9 years old - in the original post PJ says that his friend's plan is for him to get married in 8 years. She'll be 17 by then...

If your friendship is important for you, I'd suggest you don't put her down for her offer, just find some excuses why you can't commit right now. Something that she can understand like - your parents have to approve first and they can't come to Thailand now... or that due to your religion you are not allowed to get married... or whatever.

and here's a question for you - if she REALLY means she wants you to marry her cousin's daughter and pressing you to seal the deal right now when the girl is only 9, which obviously you think (correctly) that this is ridiculous (just think how unfair it is to the young girl - her husband was picked for her, she's got no say in it..) - can you really be friends which this person? Are you still considering marrying her??

[inzman]

Hahahah!

[godden]

ther's live bait, ther's dead bait aand ther's jail bait!!!

[ggt]

^{This sort of arrangement is not unheard of in Thai culture...however...the girl is usually at least 15yrs or older...18 is legal...}

^{I have been approached by the mom or relative on more than 1 occasion trying to hook me up with a daughter or relative...}

^{My response...is that I am not interested in purchasing another human being...no matter how attractive...}

^{Good Luck...be sure the bottom line is money and security for the girl and family...}

[Spoonman]

ther's live bait, ther's dead bait aand ther's jail bait!!!

Did you read the OP at all ?

The suggestion is to get married when she is 18, not marry now whilst she is underage.

[Arif Khalil]

Don't run accept this humble proposal and talk the family not for the fear of your age but if you would really wait this much long

[KIWIBATCH]

.....run.....run.....run......

[sfbandung]

I'm not sure about the laws in the US but even being a around a "proposal" like this if you are Australian, regardless of your physical location, would be very dangerous legally. Apart from the whole concept being loathsome of course.

Best advice above is to run. If you value the ongoing friendship of this clearly amoral individual, then the advice to say, "Absolutely not. Never raise this with me again." is in order.

[DGIE]

In marriage, there must be love that exists between the man and woman.Mutual feelings as others say.

Do you think, the girl will have that feelings towards you? Anyway, you will have what we call 2 in 1.

Wife and daughter. She will feel secure with you if you will take care of her like a wife and daughter.

[pjthefey]

To make things clear, I'm not considering the proposal. I was just shocked by the offer, and it's hard to tell sometimes if she's serious when she shifts back and fourth between laughing at my embarrassment, and moving on to talk about other more normal things. She's a very strong and spiritual person.

She and her family don't have a lot of money, for example, the first time I saw her mobile phone I thought "Wow... This might have been fashionable in 2001 when cell phones first switched to color." I didn't even know they made phones like that anymore. The point is that, I 'get' financial motivations. She's not one of the many girls walking around with smart phones who have computers at home. In our last conversation she said "I really want you come to my home, it small but I want you see my family... You can't sleep here because no AC."

One poster suggested that she's a new friend, she's not. I've known her for about six months now, and she's never talked like this before. I refer to her as my "best friend in Thailand" because our personalities click more than anyone else I've met there. I think she likes me, but she's also very direct in saying that she doesn't want to trust a man with her heart ever again.

Edited January 4, 2014 by pjthefey

[cbluck58]

Run Forrest Ruuuuuuuuuuuuun.....

[rotary]

She, your friend, is trying to figure out if you are a future "Old Snake Head"

[HeavyDrinker]

I'd seriously ask what sort of ''friend'' would put such a cultural "abnormality" on you, knowing full well that this sort of thing is pretty much utterly alien in Western Culture unless you come from Yorkshire....

[SanSaiExPat]

Actually it sounds like a match made in Heaven. I say go for it my friend. It should be a great adventure. You won't be alone. Jerry Lee Lewis married his 13 year old cousin. I say if it's good enough for the "Killer" It should be ok for you. I'd love to go to the wedding and hang out with some of your future wife's girlfriends. 555

[Brasilouro]

It's simple just say "No" what's all this I don't want to hurt my friends feelings. No not for me move on !! If your asking does this go on here in Thailand there is a good chance that it does but does any one with any self respect or respect for others want to get involved in anything like this I think we're back to NO

[Jasun]

You good man, you go now, run far.

[sydneyboy]

From what I can read into your posts, is that you have only talked with this lady via Internet and not yet met her.

If this is correct then I say when you come to Thailand go and meet her and see how the relationship develops.

Who knows, maybe once you meet in real life you will either click or realise that it was a mistake, having an Internet friendship is different to having one in real life.

As for the marriage proposal, I would politely decline the offer and say that you are not interested (which your not anyway) in an arranged marriage but want to find a love in the natural way.