Keeping The Power In Thai/farang Relationship.

[Boo]

Early on in our relationship my (thai) husband told me that I was to control all money matters as he was no good with money. Even when in LOS & I was earning no money, I was given all his earnings to look after & now here in the UK, as the main breadwinner, I still have all the money come to me. My husband requested a small weekly amount for ciggarettes & whiskey & if he sees something on ebay for example that he wants that is more than he has in his own account, he checks first that we have enough money for him to have it.

This works for us as I don't mind being the money manager & all large purchases are agreed first but my sister & her ex (uk) husband had a smililar arrangement but it ended up causing resentment as he never checked with her first if they had sufficient money & would often make large purchases (like a motorbike on credit) causing major finacial stress for my sister and this reckless spending was a major factor in their divorce.

Different strokes for different folks. What works for one may not work for another.

[BlimeyCharlie]

If you have to put the financial screws to your wife to keep her "under control", then you're a failure as a husband on many other levels.

cv

This is the best answer so far.

And the problem is not with Thai woman or Thailand, it's naive western men. No offence. As i've said many times before but if an older man insists on meanting a very young Thai woman and all goes pair shaped, tough.

Theres gold diggers in our own countries but if you want to risk it elsewhere. nuff said.

[p1p]

A marriage is a partnership, and should be a trusting partnership of equals. Any thought of "Control"/"Power" etc. is a strong indication that the partnership is doomed to failure from the outset. There can be no trust in a relationship where one partner seeks power or control over another.

Persons with such an immature mindset should take a few years and try to grow up before they consider attempting a sincere relationship such as marriage.

It can take many many years in a cross-cultural relationship to be able to claim with any degree of certainty that you can understand your spouse 100% of the time.

Since when did cross culture have anything to do with lack of understanding between the sexes? I watch my son and daughter and their gender based misunderstandings and realise that culture would be but a minor contributory factor.

The only thing is to understand that you will never fully understand her because she is a woman, not because she is a Thai.

Personally, I'm all for it. Makes life interesting. Vive le difference and long may it last!

[loveandlaughter]

Agree with much of this

First POWER

What about love, trust and friendship.

My wife and I are buying a house for the two reasons of growing family we need the space, and second it is in the long run better to own than to rent.

Sure the house is going to be in her name, that's the rule for houses, and if the worse came to the worse that would be her asset.

I think what some of the posters seem to want is no responsibility so they can walk away without any costs, or they are afraid of the woman not being what they hoped for and only "in it for the money"

If that's the case it is rather sad.

Bill by the by seema a nice guy! The one thing that makes the nappy change fun is that my baby keeps smiling through it all never mind what lurks down there!

[cnxpat]

It's the Thai way...you can't understand..you are a farang....

There's actually a lot of people who believe this BS

There's actually quite a lot of truth to this too...

It can take many many years in a cross-cultural relationship to be able to claim with any degree of certainty that you can understand your spouse 100% of the time.

Glad I get about 30% after 5 years!

One issue is, and will always be, that "we" farangs keep projecting our concepts of "romance", "love", "family", "finance" (and loads more!) on Thai society, friends, spouse, in laws.

Most stories I heard from marriages breaking up in the western world, is about guys (90% of the cases) end up paying for the rest of their lives! *And losing the house, and the kids) I guess that is tax deductible, but bear in mind that a house is in a lot of cases the only "pension" Thai people have. Another 50 THB/day for food, and that's it.

it is my understanding (the whole 30% yes) that "the house" is for the parents old age (when they can't work anymore) and probably also the only sensible investment to make.

I am fortunate, broke and poor, so I don't have to worry about money! My wife will be on my side, for better and worse, and for our daughter. Oh yes, planning to build a house for ourselves too, just saving to get the whole 50,000 THB together :-)

[Donz]

Too many people are just insecure

[billd766]

Agree with much of this

First POWER

What about love, trust and friendship.

My wife and I are buying a house for the two reasons of growing family we need the space, and second it is in the long run better to own than to rent.

Sure the house is going to be in her name, that's the rule for houses, and if the worse came to the worse that would be her asset.

I think what some of the posters seem to want is no responsibility so they can walk away without any costs, or they are afraid of the woman not being what they hoped for and only "in it for the money"

If that's the case it is rather sad.

Bill by the by seema a nice guy! The one thing that makes the nappy change fun is that my baby keeps smiling through it all never mind what lurks down there!

I also agree with a lot of the posters have said, however with POWER comes RESPONSIBILITY. If you want to control the relationship then you MUST take full responsibility for what happens and that if the relationship fails through money or property then ultimately the buck stops with you.

As loveandlaughter says above, our home and land is my wife and sons asset which I freely gave the money for, without bothering about power, control or cash simply because I love my wife and now my son.

BTW loveandlaughter, thank you for the kind comment and I need your help, as I think my son ate a dead rancid elephant last night and my wife is out so I guess I have to go back to the nappy mode again.

I still love him but............ phew. Kee mak mak

Edited September 5, 2006 by billd766

[t.s]

These woman are not used to having the power over a man. Buying a house and letting her have control of the finances is a very bad idea, IMHO.

You MUST keep control in the relationship, and one way of doing this is to rent a house rather than buy. Don't give in to pressure from her - "it's a Thai cultural thing" etc, learn to say "no".

How many Thai men get married and build a house straight away? In Thai culture, the man is boss - if you want the relationship to last, keep it that way. This is especially important for newcomers to Thailand - under 5 years.

Depends Neeranam. I've seen relationships where the woman is definitely the boss. But, you do have a point here, many (but not all) Thai-Thai relationships are based on one person being in power and in control. I find it very sad that people can't respect each others opinions and listen to what that person has to say without feeling the need to assert control.

alot of land on kpg is passed on in matrilineally. often it is the woman with the money. especially in very long established families

[blue eyes]

This is so true. Especially the last bit about translation.

I say 'I want a 3some'. She translates,'He wants to be smacked'.

Hey if I was your wife and you said you wanted to be with another man and me I would say you wanted to be smacked also.

[liketobe]

Same-same Philippines foreigners can not own land.

Makes no differance if Thai or Philippine girl, if they come from a family situation with finances only generated from farm or village store there experience with money is limited. Family pressures to share money start as soon as she marries any one with more foreigner or not "that money in the bank is just rooting away"

Retired forigners repeat after me:

I will live in the country I chose to retire in for six months before I make a final decision.

I will not get married untill I know the girl well and understand the mistakes that those who have come before me have made.

I will not loan or invest in any business ventures.

I will not walk around with expensive jewelry or watch on my person.

I will not walk around with more than one days cash in my pocket.

I will have as much fun as I can-could be dead tomorrow.

[Rhys]

Nice Credo.. Spot on..

Not caught on the story here.... Did the Jelly fish husband take the whole 9 yards.. and file documentation, register, file all the necessary paper work for the marriage?

Or.. Did he just have a ceremony and do the: to you my dear, this house is ours..

I hope he did not fall for the classic: IF you love me you will. 5555555 Swallow

[ding]

Retired forigners repeat after me:

I will live in the country I chose to retire in for six months before I make a final decision.

I will not get married untill I know the girl well and understand the mistakes that those who have come before me have made.

I will not loan or invest in any business ventures.

I will not walk around with expensive jewelry or watch on my person.

I will not walk around with more than one days cash in my pocket.

I will have as much fun as I can-could be dead tomorrow.

Sound advice.

I'm getting a nudge from a friend's Thai wife to meet a friend of hers. They think I need a WIFE, and truth be told, I like committed relationships best. The notion of waiting many years is nice to last the long run. But in the long run we'll all be dead. So I'm thinking I'll meet this friend and see if she seems as solid as they both say.

Any thoughts in support of not waiting until I'm on the wrong side of the grass? Or is several years of waiting the best way by miles?

[ventureman]

It's a sad state of affairs if either partner relies on power and control of the other to maintain their happiness. IMO the relationship in these circumstances has already broken down. Marriage should be a partnership, not of one controlling the other.

The wife getting possession of the house in these circumstances appears to be an international phenomena and not limited to Thailand.

The % of marraiges breaking down throughout the western world is quite high - perhaps the best advice is to steer clear of it altogether - just to be safe!

I aree with you about steering clear of marriage. I see no reason for this unless there are children or some financial reasons for such, which would be of benefit to both parties, not just the wife. A relationship holds together based on mutual good feelings for each other, which you cannot find with another person elsewhere. You make each others lives emotionally, physically, and spiritually richer as a result of your association. If this somehow becomes non-functional, the partnership is liable to end, marriage paper or no marriage paper.

It is disturbing to see the high percentage of Farangs running out and buying houses and cars, etc, etc. in the sole ownership of a wife, in a country where the husband is a guest (renewable on a yearly basis). If something goes amiss and the lady wants to split, we know the result. Unfortunately, this scenario has become a major chapter in the "cottage industry" here.

I bought a house for my wife, replaced her car every couple of years, we had joint bank accounts in a country where there was no restriction on who could own what. Something went amiss in my marriage and I wanted a divorce and I lost the lot and was left with only the few personal possessions I could fit in a rented car. Also the money in the joint accounts dried up and the credit cards got maxed out.

That was in the UK and my former wife and I are both British.

However my Thai lady stuck with me all they way. We have known each other 13 years, been married for 6 years and have a beautiful son who is nearly 2 years old. All the land and property is in her name and we have joint and single bank accounts.

Who would I trust? My Thai wife all the way. We don't have a perfect marriage but then again who does. I am more than happy to be with her and our son until I die.

Her family asks for very little and I send her parents money as her dad is retired and doesn't have much. It was my decision to do so.

There is no power struggle in our family and neither of us thinks of trying to "control" the other.

Why would we need to.

Control and power plays are for weak people who are so insecure that they need to feel important.

Sounds like my story exactly almost exactly. Only my 1st wife was of Philipino nationality. This time I have a pre-nup though also and my current wife did'nt bat an eye to sign it. Her mom has a beautiful house now that I chose to build. It is a give and take relationship. (i give and she takes, just kidding) We both realize we are all here on earth tempararily so must make the best for all while you can.

Good story thanks...

[usa]

I don't think so. You have to look a your wife what is her background and education. Mostly foreigners who have only money but not smart enough to see through. I have been living with my foreinger boyfriend quiet long. I share everything with him. I hope he see me difference from another thai ladies who want only money. I plan to buy the house and make a will and lease agreement for him to not get into trouble. Because you never know the future as Buddha say "nothing permanent".

[nightshot]

Agree with much of this

First POWER

What about love, trust and friendship.

My wife and I are buying a house for the two reasons of growing family we need the space, and second it is in the long run better to own than to rent.

Sure the house is going to be in her name, that's the rule for houses, and if the worse came to the worse that would be her asset.

I think what some of the posters seem to want is no responsibility so they can walk away without any costs, or they are afraid of the woman not being what they hoped for and only "in it for the money"

If that's the case it is rather sad.

Bill by the by seema a nice guy! The one thing that makes the nappy change fun is that my baby keeps smiling through it all never mind what lurks down there!

[nightshot]

Agree with much of this

First POWER

What about love, trust and friendship.

My wife and I are buying a house for the two reasons of growing family we need the space, and second it is in the long run better to own than to rent.

Sure the house is going to be in her name, that's the rule for houses, and if the worse came to the worse that would be her asset.

I think what some of the posters seem to want is no responsibility so they can walk away without any costs, or they are afraid of the woman not being what they hoped for and only "in it for the money"

If that's the case it is rather sad.

Bill by the by seema a nice guy! The one thing that makes the nappy change fun is that my baby keeps smiling through it all never mind what lurks down there!

best thing i have heard on here so far."what about love,trust and friendship"

I would not jump in with both feet and hope for thr best,where my money is I wouldn't want to risk it all at my time of life,i you cant trust then dont get married,rent somewhere and make sure she is the one,plenty more fish in the sea,once your money is gone it is gone,not easy to walk away with nothing if you have invested heavily,o be cautious at all times in the first year or so,just giving a bit of advice to those of you thinking of spending all your assetts on a lovely thai girl,there's treating them nice and looking after them the rest of their lives at your expense.

I have a lovely girl I am getting married to but will live with her family for the first year and see how the land lies at first,better to be safe than sorry my friends,once bitten(english gf)twice shy,dont let them have it all at the first jump..................hope it works out for everyone out there as well as me,but some will get burned,some quickly and some painfully slow,and the painfully slow is a lot more painfull.

Someone who dont want to get burned,lol

[chanchao]

Actually I transfer my salary directly to my wife's bank account. Made my life a lot easier and we're saving more money. As for who owns the house: It'll be owned by the bank for the foreseeable future.

[Neeranam]

Just met another guy - was married for 5 years, finished building a house 1 year ago and is now living in a hotel.

Think thrice before building/buying a house in early marriage years.

[Brunus]

My wife is a great and intelligent girl, but I had to take control of our money in order to avoid to become the proud owner of a mountain of shoes

[Lancelot]

Early on in our relationship my (thai) husband told me that I was to control all money matters as he was no good with money. Even when in LOS & I was earning no money, I was given all his earnings to look after & now here in the UK, as the main breadwinner, I still have all the money come to me. My husband requested a small weekly amount for ciggarettes & whiskey & if he sees something on ebay for example that he wants that is more than he has in his own account, he checks first that we have enough money for him to have it.

Actually, I don' think this is unique to Thailand. I'd venture to say that 70%+ of US wives control the household budget.

About losing the house, it happens to western guys in many countries, not only in Thailand. When it comes to marriage, choose wisely (Like I needed to say that, 555!)

[Livinginexile]

Actually most of my fiancees friend wear the pants in there marrage, My fiancee also thinks she is the boss, we have some interesting stand offs alot but its all in fun as we both have a good sense of humor.

But one of her friends demanded her husband to stop smoking cigs or she will leave him,heheheh next week I kept offering him smokes and he sort of looks down and says "sorry ive quit" hehehehe

That is soooooo not true

Basically, are you are saying that Thai women rule the roost in a Thai relationship?

I think it only describes the men you prefer to keep company with.

Donz...in case you havn't noticed, you are living in an extremely patriacle society. Men rule here.

Put your pants back on man!

Edited December 19, 2009 by Livinginexile

[MikeyIdea]

Women are meant to be loved, not understood - Oscar Wilde

There is truth in that Thai women often has problems handling the freedom that western men tend to give. It is generally new for them so why shouldn't it be that way? If a relationship takes a wrong-turn because that fact hasn't been properly managed, then it's because of lack of experience on the western mans side as well as the Thai woman - The fault can hardly be one-sided

[pjclark1]

Thai advice

Only a very foolish man would buy a house in a country on the brink or revolution on land that he can never own. The Bht will fall in value and by a large factor (this is inevitable), if you must buy here wait until after the fall.

International advice

If you want to buy a woman of any nationality a house, just do so on the understanding it will be her house when you get kicked out. Divorce rates are high all over the world, the odds of your relationship lasting are poor.

If you want to keep your assets in the long term bank offshore and never reveal the details of your accounts to ANYONE male or female.

A fool and his money are soon parted, there is no fool like an old fool.

[OxfordWill]

What I find interesting now is how the thai idea of marriage is evolving at what seems to be a very fast pace- I mean, who can really point to what marriage is in the mind of most Thais? Its far easier if we consider what a typical idea of farang+farang marriage would be- but its dangerous to extract an ethical conclusion from such matter of fact things and go on to suggest it ought to be this way rather than just recognising that in our countries, it is.

[David006]

It's a sad state of affairs if either partner relies on power and control of the other to maintain their happiness. IMO the relationship in these circumstances has already broken down. Marriage should be a partnership, not of one controlling the other.

The wife getting possession of the house in these circumstances appears to be an international phenomena and not limited to Thailand.

The % of marraiges breaking down throughout the western world is quite high - perhaps the best advice is to steer clear of it altogether - just to be safe!

I aree with you about steering clear of marriage. I see no reason for this unless there are children or some financial reasons for such, which would be of benefit to both parties, not just the wife. A relationship holds together based on mutual good feelings for each other, which you cannot find with another person elsewhere. You make each others lives emotionally, physically, and spiritually richer as a result of your association. If this somehow becomes non-functional, the partnership is liable to end, marriage paper or no marriage paper.

It is disturbing to see the high percentage of Farangs running out and buying houses and cars, etc, etc. in the sole ownership of a wife, in a country where the husband is a guest (renewable on a yearly basis). If something goes amiss and the lady wants to split, we know the result. Unfortunately, this scenario has become a major chapter in the "cottage industry" here.

I bought a house for my wife, replaced her car every couple of years, we had joint bank accounts in a country where there was no restriction on who could own what. Something went amiss in my marriage and I wanted a divorce and I lost the lot and was left with only the few personal possessions I could fit in a rented car. Also the money in the joint accounts dried up and the credit cards got maxed out.

That was in the UK and my former wife and I are both British.

However my Thai lady stuck with me all they way. We have known each other 13 years, been married for 6 years and have a beautiful son who is nearly 2 years old. All the land and property is in her name and we have joint and single bank accounts.

Who would I trust? My Thai wife all the way. We don't have a perfect marriage but then again who does. I am more than happy to be with her and our son until I die.

Her family asks for very little and I send her parents money as her dad is retired and doesn't have much. It was my decision to do so.

There is no power struggle in our family and neither of us thinks of trying to "control" the other.

Why would we need to.

Control and power plays are for weak people who are so insecure that they need to feel important.

superb... :D

[caf]

Sounds like another guy who rushed into both the relationship, and buying the house. Why he didn't own the house and lease the land from her is something only he knows. How long were they together before they married?

cv

Own house, lease land. Sounds good in theory but does not work in practice. You can't take the house away with you and if married can't take half of it with you. If you lease from her she and her family are your landlords and dictate your life.

In most cases the guy is in the same situation as if land and house were in her name.

A possibilty - but I am not sure of the practicality because farang money is involved - is being a mortgagor with her as the mortgagee. Her mortgage repayment can be returned to her as a separate transaction. If events change stop the voluntary and separate repayment and sue for default of mortgage. That would be a civil case for debt and not in the family court.

Any ideas on this.

[caf]

If you have to put the financial screws to your wife to keep her "under control", then you're a failure as a husband on many other levels.

cv

Most thais are not sophisticated enough to handle a situation where they suddenly have a house and car in their name. Keep in control and the marriage might work; relinquish to wife and family and you are sunk.

Same in the west where everything is in the wife's name ( though of course it is usually joint names)- -but the problem is less easy to solve here in Thailand

[MrHammer]

mispost

Edited December 30, 2009 by MrHammer

[kikoman]

One needs to get to know ,who they are marrying before the wedding ,just like in the rest of the world. In the States, I lost my house and had to pay, huges sums of money to my ex and she could spent it any way she so pleased. Even though it is labeled Child Support!

I married my Thai wife after we lived together for 3 years, We moved to her village, had a lovely wedding ,only her and I, I paid no sin sot and was not asked for any. We then had a party and at the party release the news that we were now man and wife.

This is Thailand a Falang can not own property here according to the law, when we brought the 1 rai for our home, when she registered HER land, I signed a government form that I did not claim any of the property.

Thailand is a community property country, you can get compensation for half the value of the house and any furniture you purchased after your union. Thats it period!

My wife handles all the finances in the family, she put aside the sum of money we have to pay on a monthly ,basis and that money is not used for anything but Internet, Electricity, water , gas , UBC etc

We decide together on any major purchases, It is my complete understanding that the house and all furnishing are for her and the girls. I came into our home purchase with that understanding. If things ever go wrong in our marriage I will walk away and leave all to her and the girls. It is my hope that never happens.

One girl in the village, I assume works as a bar girl and came into town with her German boy friend who gave her I 1/2 million baht to build a house where they are going to live after he retires and moves to Thailand, when he is not in Thailand she comes into town with her young Danish boy friend.

When he comes to the village ,what type of respect is he going to receive in this village, from the Thai people here, None!

Cheers:

[WeeGB]

Thats funny Donz, in my marriage, I don't think I'm the boss and my husband doesn't think he is the boss either. So, we get along fine, no standoffs either

If I make a major decision, of course, I consult him. And if he makes a major decision he consults me. We are in a partnership, after all.

It works for me too.

BTW, you've now totally destroyed your Mistress Whiplash persona.