She's pregnant, its not mine, but she wants/needs money

[Swiss1960]

Is the abortion the lady's idea?

Sent from my iPhone using Thaivisa Connect Thailand

Initially, it was - then she started talking to her Thai friends and everything changed. With one possible exception, they all have families upcountry who care for their kids - she is planning to rely on the same woman who effectively raised her in a little village south of Chumphon. Her attitude seems to be 'other women do it so I can' - I just dont think she is tough enough but I guess that's her call. The part I object to is suddenly becoming the sponsor for this particular chapter of her life

FWIW, one of her friends dumped a kid with the father and returned to the bar - bit of a reversal of the usual stereotype.

First, sympathy to you for trying to help this girl, good of you.

But your options have been cut down to only one: give or not give her financial support... once this girl started to discuss with friends and family, your opinion and advice started to have zero value. Your advice is now going in through one year and out through the other without ever being processed by the brain inbetween.. that is unfortunately how most Thai think about advice of the farang... her (female) friends probably all told her "no problem, can do, same same me"... and that is all she will ever hear and all that she will now hopes to get from you is money.

[MrWorldwide]

I'd make it clear that you could help her abort (yes it can be done) but if she wants your help through pregnancy and birth it'll likely never end... you'll possibly also end up as de facto daddy.

And that, sadly, is my position in a nutshell - apologies to anyone who may have been confused by my earlier attempts to make that clear.

[AYJAYDEE]

Also who is willing to support a bastard child? raise your hands pls.

what does the birth status have to with anything ??people adopt all the time

[captspectre]

So what do you want to know or hear??

Should you support her??

My answer would be a no, unless you have feelings and want to go back together.

For abortion, putting aside the illegality of it, best to speak with doc's at sukhumvit soi 12 in Bangkok

you answered your own question in your post. read it.

[hellohello123]

If you didn't penetrate her and the baby cannot possibly be yours then why even ask? This is a bar girl you are talking about? Since you think there are others it's safe to say she is a bit of a slag?

Of all the replies, yours is by far the least helpful - no surprises but was it even vaguely possible that you might have addressed the question re abortion ? Would you completely turn your back on a woman back in your own country if she told you she had nowhere else to turn to ? All I'm looking for here is some way to dig her out of the hole some lowlife has dug for her - you know and I know how few Farang in Thailand are serious about wearing a condom - branding her a slag helps no one,

Hang on a minute, and I'm not being cynical/negative like a lot of members are on here for the sake of it

Why do you assume the father is a low life, maybe she dumped him, maybe he is dead,

It takes two to tango, she needs to take some responsibility for her own child

Thirdly, its got nothing to do with you, other then you are an ex bf or still have the host for her

Would you give money to female friend back home who was pregnant and needed money? I doubt it

So many men, leave their brains behind when they leave their own country

If she is a working girl and got pregnant, then that's her doing, if it was from a one night stand or she doesn't even know who of the 100 farangs shes been with, hoping to hit the financial jackpot, well that's a gamble she took and didn't pay off

I hate it how firings go to Asia and think they are superior and think they are above everyone else and that their way of thinking is better, and they think they can improve their life throb their own personal judgements

[saroq]

So what do you want to know or hear??

Should you support her??

My answer would be a no, unless you have feelings and want to go back together.

For abortion, putting aside the illegality of it, best to speak with doc's at sukhumvit soi 12 in Bangkok

Ditto. What are you asking? Abortion in first trimester and????? Ask a doctor or google it. Here's one http://apps.who.int/rhl/fertility/abortion/dgcom/en/

and here's another http://www.uptodate.com/contents/first-trimester-medication-abortion-termination-of-pregnancy

[harrycallahan]

An abortion is one off.

Raising a kid is 20 years.

Are you going to drip feed her for 20 years because she wants to keep someone else's kid?

[AYJAYDEE]

If you didn't penetrate her and the baby cannot possibly be yours then why even ask? This is a bar girl you are talking about? Since you think there are others it's safe to say she is a bit of a slag?

Of all the replies, yours is by far the least helpful - no surprises but was it even vaguely possible that you might have addressed the question re abortion ? Would you completely turn your back on a woman back in your own country if she told you she had nowhere else to turn to ? All I'm looking for here is some way to dig her out of the hole some lowlife has dug for her - you know and I know how few Farang in Thailand are serious about wearing a condom - branding her a slag helps no one,

Hang on a minute, and I'm not being cynical/negative like a lot of members are on here for the sake of it

Why do you assume the father is a low life, maybe she dumped him, maybe he is dead,

It takes two to tango, she needs to take some responsibility for her own child

Thirdly, its got nothing to do with you, other then you are an ex bf or still have the host for her

Would you give money to female friend back home who was pregnant and needed money? I doubt it

So many men, leave their brains behind when they leave their own country

If she is a working girl and got pregnant, then that's her doing, if it was from a one night stand or she doesn't even know who of the 100 farangs shes been with, hoping to hit the financial jackpot, well that's a gamble she took and didn't pay off

I hate it how firings go to Asia and think they are superior and think they are above everyone else and that their way of thinking is better, and they think they can improve their life throb their own personal judgements

he CAN improve her life

[hellohello123]

Man, I wish I could play the lottery of life, screw up, and get bailed out by some gullible outsider

Obviously Money is impotant to Thai women, and if some outsider comes and bails them out when poo hits the fan, what sort of message are you sending??

She'll be doing the same thing and will have 5 kids from 5 different fathers , and supported by 5 random people and earning 5 times the average salary while you are working your butt off at home

Fair?

[bra]

If it was me I would provide some financial support, but make it clear its just once. She could try the father for support as well but maybe she has and was refused - hence going to you.

If she cant look after the baby and they will be living in destitute conditions then abortion is the lesser of two evils - just like many other things in life. A Thai girl once told me that she killed a baby. After I recovered from the shock and after discussion I found out that she was referring to an abortion. Her initial remark was not lost in translation (she majored in English at Uni and has very good language skills). She really believed that she had killed - and it still upset her. Your friend will need emotional support if she does have an abortion.

[hellohello123]

If you didn't penetrate her and the baby cannot possibly be yours then why even ask? This is a bar girl you are talking about? Since you think there are others it's safe to say she is a bit of a slag?

Of all the replies, yours is by far the least helpful - no surprises but was it even vaguely possible that you might have addressed the question re abortion ? Would you completely turn your back on a woman back in your own country if she told you she had nowhere else to turn to ? All I'm looking for here is some way to dig her out of the hole some lowlife has dug for her - you know and I know how few Farang in Thailand are serious about wearing a condom - branding her a slag helps no one,

Hang on a minute, and I'm not being cynical/negative like a lot of members are on here for the sake of it

Why do you assume the father is a low life, maybe she dumped him, maybe he is dead,

It takes two to tango, she needs to take some responsibility for her own child

Thirdly, its got nothing to do with you, other then you are an ex bf or still have the host for her

Would you give money to female friend back home who was pregnant and needed money? I doubt it

So many men, leave their brains behind when they leave their own country

If she is a working girl and got pregnant, then that's her doing, if it was from a one night stand or she doesn't even know who of the 100 farangs shes been with, hoping to hit the financial jackpot, well that's a gamble she took and didn't pay off

I hate it how firings go to Asia and think they are superior and think they are above everyone else and that their way of thinking is better, and they think they can improve their life throb their own personal judgements

he CAN improve her life

Who's Right and position is it to determine what's an improvement or not?

My life would be greatly improved by a Ferrari and a chateau, but I'm not expecting anyone to give me one'

I don't have either of them because I'm not smart and/or lucky enough, or I'm not. Good enough to be able to afford one

[AYJAYDEE]

If it was me I would provide some financial support, but make it clear its just once. She could try the father for support as well but maybe she has and was refused - hence going to you.

If she cant look after the baby and they will be living in destitute conditions then abortion is the lesser of two evils - just like many other things in life. A Thai girl once told me that she killed a baby. After I recovered from the shock and after discussion I found out that she was referring to an abortion. Her initial remark was not lost in translation (she majored in English at Uni and has very good language skills). She really believed that she had killed - and it still upset her. Your friend will need emotional support if she does have an abortion.

in buddhist thought, the sentient beings existance starts at conception

[paulklee]

It's not meant to be only a cynical response but why don't you just change your email address? And your phone number and even address, whatever needs to be done. You already know that this will situation never end or it will end in tears with possibly a big emotional scene, hurting you. If you can actually make yourself "anonymous" maybe then you can somehow get to her a few thousand baht to help her and your conscience.

[hellohello123]

If you didn't penetrate her and the baby cannot possibly be yours then why even ask? This is a bar girl you are talking about? Since you think there are others it's safe to say she is a bit of a slag?

Of all the replies, yours is by far the least helpful - no surprises but was it even vaguely possible that you might have addressed the question re abortion ? Would you completely turn your back on a woman back in your own country if she told you she had nowhere else to turn to ? All I'm looking for here is some way to dig her out of the hole some lowlife has dug for her - you know and I know how few Farang in Thailand are serious about wearing a condom - branding her a slag helps no one,

Hang on a minute, and I'm not being cynical/negative like a lot of members are on here for the sake of it

Why do you assume the father is a low life, maybe she dumped him, maybe he is dead,

It takes two to tango, she needs to take some responsibility for her own child

Thirdly, its got nothing to do with you, other then you are an ex bf or still have the host for her

Would you give money to female friend back home who was pregnant and needed money? I doubt it

So many men, leave their brains behind when they leave their own country

If she is a working girl and got pregnant, then that's her doing, if it was from a one night stand or she doesn't even know who of the 100 farangs shes been with, hoping to hit the financial jackpot, well that's a gamble she took and didn't pay off

I hate it how firings go to Asia and think they are superior and think they are above everyone else and that their way of thinking is better, and they think they can improve their life throb their own personal judgements

he CAN improve her life

And whose right or position is to determine what's an improvement for her? Not anyone but herself

If all she has asked for is money, then will money improve her life?

It didn't work out well for that rich kid who went on a shooting spree recently, all the money in the world and ends up dead and responsible for other deaths

Also, for those that are discussing the pros and cons of abortion, there is the option of adoption too, its not a two way option of abortion or a life of missy for the kid

[AYJAYDEE]

right, and she says it will. who are you to decide otherwise?

[rotary]

Block her on email and change your mobile number. That should take care of it after you move and leave no forwarding address.

[bristolgeoff]

Don't,t get involved if it is not your baby.walk away now

[hellohello123]

right, and she says it will. who are you to decide otherwise?

Exactly! Then she should improve her own life with her own means, simple

The fact that she has asked for money is a joke

The fact that he is even considering it is even more of an.embarrassing joke

Edited May 30, 2014 by hellohello123

[shirtless]

Why didnt she contact the father, if you like her so much open your heart and more importantly your wallet, and help her out, or are you just seeking attention.

[belg]

1) is she really really pregnant, or just one of the new scams she tries on many farangs, ex-bf or clients ...

2) she will dump the baby upcountry eventually to a woman who raised her , not even her mother or family, you want another unwanted child to grow up ignorant ?

3) when is living a poor life / being unwanted or dumped to a person who might use her as a slave or worse, being better to terminate an unwaned, unplanned pregnancy by a street worker who sleeps with everybody for money ?

ex for 4 years = why you even care ?

life goes on

put her email on your ignore / junk list

but just curious, how much did she ask to support her or her child ?

[yourauntbob]

The world is full of problems, pick and choose which ones you wish to deal with. If this is a situation in which you would like to help, help. If not, dont. Just make sure you dont put this situation before your well being/needs.

[mesquite]

OP, you have no idea if she's pregnant.

[ljd1308]

Do what makes you happy, no one here can tell you what to do.

If a friend of mine was in need(financially or otherwise) and I could help I would.

What you should ask yourself is, do you want to help? And, can you help?

If both answers are yes then it is just a matter of how much and explaining that to her. Eg. I can't do much but I can help with the bills during pregnancy etc.

Personally I don't support abortion, though if someone wants to then it is their choice, I would never try to push someone in that direction though.

[ttthailand]

As others have said, if you wish to help by all means help.

As a friend of mine always says " it is nice to be nice". Simple saying but it is true. If she is a friend and she is truly in need there is nothing wrong with helping a little. I would however only assist once with a little money and tell her that she will have to figure it out. The asking can go on and on and if you don't give she may get angry with you. So make sure she understands that it is a one time deal to give her some breathing room.

[kingstonkid]

Mr WW

Okay first let me say that while i have not been in your position in Thailand i was in your position in Canada when i was younger.

A big questions that you have to ask yourself is.

What are my feelings to this lady?

What will be the aftermath to my train of thought based ont eh different decisions i can make? Can you live with the repercussions?

Then it becomes relatively easy.

In my case I had true feeling so it was easy unfortunately she still believed that the <deleted> was going to come back. He did not and she actually came an asked me if it was too late 2 weeks before i was getting married.

Use the brain on the top of your body. Think out all the answers FULLY. Then make a decision. One thing the legal people may be able to advise you on is if you pay for the abortion or help with it can you be legally held as a criminal?

I would suggest that you refer her to people that can helpher and let it go at that. BUT as I said it is what will let you sleep better at night and look yourself in the mirror.

[Thai Travel Bug]

If you have a close and genuine relationship with this lady, and if you have the means, and are OK with becoming the defacto Uncle, then why not. It may bring a lot of enjoyment to your plate being a part of this lady and her child's life. You will always be equally rewarded by her and her family if you are ever in a time of need. Life is way to short to think about the consequences of doing something good for a fellow human being. Up to you.

[mdmayes]

You know the answer...walk away and don't look back.

[F4UCorsair]

OK - feel free to flame me, but this is someone I have a shared history with. That all ended 4 years ago, but now I get the 'I have no-one else to turn to' email. If others got the same email, so be it - I wish her every success - but this isn't some Nigerian scammer its a flesh-and-blood woman that I had lunch with just a couple of weeks back in BKK. The baby seems to have come as a complete surprise, but I suspect she was simply waiting for the right moment and doctor's bills were all the impetus she needed. Roughly 10 weeks puts conception somewhere around my last few weeks tidying things up in Oz before the move to Thailand - for all I know 'daddy' could be reading this thread right now. If its you, I'll be happy to forward you the email - please PM me

I'm guessing that a large chunk of this board will tell me to harden the freak up and ignore any further correspondence, but what I really want to know is whether an abortion in the first trimester remains a realistic option ? This is a woman who struggles to support herself much less a baby - I know its a big no-no for the Thais around her, but unless even if they got the same email I'm guessing they won't be contributing to this child's welfare financially. I guess advice is free but child support isn't.

If we can avoid turning this into a flamefest about the evils of abortion I'd really appreciate some feedback on this. Thanks in advance to those with sane responses and my apologies to the mods for any subsequent mayhem.

Have at it.

Harden the freak up and ignore any further correspondence!!

[Morakot]

OP don't be mean. Buy her lunch and give her a small amount of cash like you would with any friend in need.

[F4UCorsair]

I'd make it clear that you could help her abort (yes it can be done) but if she wants your help through pregnancy and birth it'll likely never end... you'll possibly also end up as de facto daddy.

The thin edge of the wedge!!