I have had no problem with getting into position to do the job, but what always screws me up is being able to pour the dish of water down your crack in such a way that you are able to wash your bum without getting water everywhere and ending up with soaking nether regions.

I also suggest you beware of bum guns. When using a bum gun in a privy of which you have no prior experience, always test the pressure first before using it on your body. This advice is given from the experience of a misdirected nozzle which resulted in excruciating pain and what, I can only assume, non-surgical castration must feel like.

I almost changed my mind about telling this story, and then I thought....oh, why not?

Me and my lady were out in the countryside, just west of Udon Thani Town. We had just purchased a new vehicle, and were on the way to get it blessed by her cousin, the head Monk at the village temple.

Well, I had to go bad. But here is this guy, all dressed in orange, handing me the bowl of water and having me follow him around, as he doused his leaves in the bowl and showered the car. Next, he asked me to choose what color permanent marker from his hand...either red or white. You guessed it...I, regretfully, chose the red. So he gets in the driver's seat of my brand new car and starts painting dots and circles all over the interior....and the steering wheel. He then smiled at me..a bit too broadly, and we wai'd him and said thank you, as I was in a great hurry to relieve my aching bowels....for all this time.

So....we pull into a muddy field, where all the toilets were, and I ran into the first one. It was the Thai toilet design. I ran out, and checked several others....all the same. Well, I cannot squat. My thighs and knees will not work that way. What, you may ask did I do?

I stripped every piece of clothing I had on, and placed it near the door. This was going to be ugly. Turning slightly sideways, I braced myself with one hand on the back wall, and one foot on the front door. (Don;t ever try this...because it does not work). Suffice it to say, that was one hellish mess I had made. Not one spot on the toilet, mind you. Now here I am, naked, twisted and soiled. No water inside..of course. I open the door, fill up the bucket, run back inside ...and start splashing water everywhere, for about an hour.

As I walked out, to my shame, there stood the monk, who had just blessed my car. I politely wai'd, and shimmied off as quickly as possible. In a way, I had blessed their toilet right back. Farang style.

possum1931, on 05 Nov 2014 - 11:56, said:

Costas2008, on 04 Nov 2014 - 14:51, said:

OP, well done.

Loved your post, puts me to shame with mine.

A very good and informative topic.

Hope to hear from you soon again

The first time I saw this topic, I immediately thought "this is Costas", the OP of the topic is even as long as the one you had about farting a couple of weeks ago.

Costas post about farting came first.

It's only logic that farting comes before crapping

traveling around in a car its possible to take something like a folding camping chair complete with hole in the middle to place over a squat toilet.

possum1931, on 05 Nov 2014 - 11:56, said:

Costas2008, on 04 Nov 2014 - 14:51, said:

OP, well done.

Loved your post, puts me to shame with mine.

A very good and informative topic.

Hope to hear from you soon again

The first time I saw this topic, I immediately thought "this is Costas", the OP of the topic is even as long as the one you had about farting a couple of weeks ago.

Costas post about farting came first.

It's only logic that farting comes before crapping

I would not know about that as I take a pill every day which prevents me from farting, and crapping.

slipperylobster, on 05 Nov 2014 - 12:21, said:

I almost changed my mind about telling this story, and then I thought....oh, why not?

Me and my lady were out in the countryside, just west of Udon Thani Town. We had just purchased a new vehicle, and were on the way to get it blessed by her cousin, the head Monk at the village temple.

Well, I had to go bad. But here is this guy, all dressed in orange, handing me the bowl of water and having me follow him around, as he doused his leaves in the bowl and showered the car. Next, he asked me to choose what color permanent marker from his hand...either red or white. You guessed it...I, regretfully, chose the red. So he gets in the driver's seat of my brand new car and starts painting dots and circles all over the interior....and the steering wheel. He then smiled at me..a bit too broadly, and we wai'd him and said thank you, as I was in a great hurry to relieve my aching bowels....for all this time.

So....we pull into a muddy field, where all the toilets were, and I ran into the first one. It was the Thai toilet design. I ran out, and checked several others....all the same. Well, I cannot squat. My thighs and knees will not work that way. What, you may ask did I do?

I stripped every piece of clothing I had on, and placed it near the door. This was going to be ugly. Turning slightly sideways, I braced myself with one hand on the back wall, and one foot on the front door. (Don;t ever try this...because it does not work). Suffice it to say, that was one hellish mess I had made. Not one spot on the toilet, mind you. Now here I am, naked, twisted and soiled. No water inside..of course. I open the door, fill up the bucket, run back inside ...and start splashing water everywhere, for about an hour.

As I walked out, to my shame, there stood the monk, who had just blessed my car. I politely wai'd, and shimmied off as quickly as possible. In a way, I had blessed their toilet right back. Farang style.

brilliant, love it!

You must have still been naked when you got the bucket of water.

Maybe the monk was waiting to draw some dots and circles on your horn. lol.

elliottm, on 04 Nov 2014 - 14:57, said:

May I ask a question about use of the bum gun and how you gargle without using your hand. I've tried the gun and then paper but end up using more having to dry first then clean. Any direction appreciated.

It was tongue in cheek expression. If you hold the bum gun to far away it splashes and has no effect at cleaning. Hold it to close and I feel I'm going to start gargling soon, as I do with the Listerine. (Gargle that is, not wash my backside).

I have one western, one squat toilet at home. I use either to urinate, but only the western to defecate. I take a shower after the latter.

On a trip, I carry a pack of the moistened baby wipes. Cleans without leaving your backside wet through or feeling chapped.

Thanks Faz, do you manage to clean with the gun entirely without using your hand?

Using your hand?? For what purpose are the toilet attendants?

not only thailand and asia i lived in greece in the 60"s and squat toilets were in vogue their as well.

GarryP, on 05 Nov 2014 - 12:08, said:

I have had no problem with getting into position to do the job, but what always screws me up is being able to pour the dish of water down your crack in such a way that you are able to wash your bum without getting water everywhere and ending up with soaking nether regions.

I also suggest you beware of bum guns. When using a bum gun in a privy of which you have no prior experience, always test the pressure first before using it on your body. This advice is given from the experience of a misdirected nozzle which resulted in excruciating pain and what, I can only assume, non-surgical castration must feel like.

Garry, you don't use the dish to pour water down your crack. The correct method (I'm told) is to first use the dish to flush the toilet, then hold the dish between your legs with your right hand whilst squatting again and scoop the water from the dish with your hand left to clean.

The bum guns came along later and were supposed to be more hygienic, however they have their own problems and don't clean as efficiently as a hand.

Again (I'm told) some Thais use the bum gun instead of the dish, but still clean with the left hand.

There is usually a bucket or water container to fill the dish, so hands can be rinsed in that, but no soap.

Probably one the reasons why Thais 'wai' and don't shake hands!

Ready, Aim, FIRE.

Doesn't work so well after alcohol.

I hate the damn things.

possum1931, on 05 Nov 2014 - 11:56, said:

Costas2008, on 04 Nov 2014 - 14:51, said:

OP, well done.

Loved your post, puts me to shame with mine.

A very good and informative topic.

Hope to hear from you soon again

The first time I saw this topic, I immediately thought "this is Costas", the OP of the topic is even as long as the one you had about farting a couple of weeks ago.

Costas post about farting came first.

It's only logic that farting comes before crapping

I would not know about that as I take a pill every day which prevents me from farting, and crapping.

That is no good for you, Possum.

That's why you developed a big beer belly and you lost your hair.

Stop taking that pill.

Yes Costas, I will start taking two pills a day, have a double size beer belly, lose the rest of my hair, then start on the Tattoos, I must not forget to grow facial hair either, make me a hansum man, but I will not get a young Thai lady as I am not rich.

Are westerners pliable enough to squat, I know I'm not. I think legs akimbo would be the best I could manage.

Thank you. This was an enjoyable read.

Since I'm busted up pretty badly, if a sqaut toilet is what we find, procedure is to immediately start pleading my case to the Buddha.

It works everytime. No I'm not always 100% pleased how works. It just works.

Actually many older Europeans should get along just fine with the 'squat'. About 30ish years ago, most of the toilets in France, Spain etc were 'squats' called Turkish toilets. I suppose that means they were like that in Turkey also. They did have toilet paper though. Although in those days it was thick horrible stuff. In some places it was newspaper squares. When I used to whinge about it, I was told that the body exercise one used to use it were good for the physical health. Actually I consider that the use of the bum gun, makes it that you have to wade through the equivalent of an olympic pool to get to it. I hate them.

Although high rise commodes have become the norm in the land of smiles, even in the non-urban areas, you will eventually encounter a more traditional Thai loo. My only words of advice is to note that few non-Asians can do a full squat so place your feet a bit ahead of the feet markers, placing only your heels on those markers with the arch and ball of your foot forward. That will give you a much more accurate aim which you can then fine tune.

=How to use a squat toilet correctly=

Move on and go home, to your hotel in time or, look for a regular sitting toilet!

I live in Thailand, never used a squat toilet in 24 years.

After reading this crap,i'm all drained! oops! i'm getting the flushes now

KonKorat, I told you not to pull the.............to late, he's gone...........chain!

dude, talk to the gov at home.

I like putting the trousers around your head. Good idea ! Could you please accompany me to the toilet so I can put my trousers around your head.

Seriously though, if the Asian squat toilet is clean I just use it like a western toilet. It works. I find my innards do not work well in a squat. My problem comes when it comes to washing ones ass ( not your ass ) . If their is only the big tank and a small pail, how does one manage. I came up with this one. Fill the small scooping bowl with water. Wedge it in the squat toilet. Squat and clean. With the trousers around ones head this would be the right time for a photograph. My adventures in toileting continue.

Now here is a real quizzer. How do you help someone who is dependent on others for toileting ? I do not want to go there.

I have had no problem with getting into position to do the job, but what always screws me up is being able to pour the dish of water down your crack in such a way that you are able to wash your bum without getting water everywhere and ending up with soaking nether regions.

I also suggest you beware of bum guns. When using a bum gun in a privy of which you have no prior experience, always test the pressure first before using it on your body. This advice is given from the experience of a misdirected nozzle which resulted in excruciating pain and what, I can only assume, non-surgical castration must feel like.

Thanks for this mornings laughs Gaz......the ole high pressure water attempt at severing the goolies trick....55555, not nice!

Check Mark Ripptoes on proper Squat Form. I guess you add a different push on the bottom position