Missing Funerals

[Papa_Lazarou]

I'm personally an advocate of going back to see people while they're still alive.

But there's still that last small act of love - to wit - the funeral.

These Islamic shenanigans, I have decided, preclude me from gong back to UK this week for my Father's funeral....I sort of didn't really want to go back anyway, having just been there 3 weeks ago, but then I felt I should and that I was using the Muslims as an excuse. but anyway, I still am not going.

Anyone else find that our self-imposed intercontinental exile has this downside

A guilt-ridden papa laz.

[Donz]

You should go, why would you let a few scum bags trying to blow up planes stop you from goint to your father funeral?

Go pay your respects

[tourleadersi]

I'm personally an advocate of going back to see people while they're still alive.

But there's still that last small act of love - to wit - the funeral.

These Islamic shenanigans, I have decided, preclude me from gong back to UK this week for my Father's funeral....I sort of didn't really want to go back anyway, having just been there 3 weeks ago, but then I felt I should and that I was using the Muslims as an excuse. but anyway, I still am not going.

Anyone else find that our self-imposed intercontinental exile has this downside

A guilt-ridden papa laz.

If you can't make it back for the funeral then don't worry about it. I am sure that your Dad loved you, and will understand. I should imagine when you die there is one of two possibilities.

1.You suddenly become free of your body, but not only that but also free from all worldly possessions and all the pettiness that they bring. You start to see that love was the only thing that truly mattered, and how unimportant people attending your funeral really is, as at the end of the day it is how much they loved you that really counts. Suggest at the time of his funeral you send a few words up into the ether and let him know how you felt. He'll pick it up.

2. There is nothing but white noise.

Either way the actual act of attending a funeral is IMHO solely for the benefit of the living, who may criticise you for not proving your love for your father by flying half way around the world. When my father goes I will try and go home for the sake of my mother. I told my Dad this already and he said thanks as he realised my Mum would need me at that time (Dad and I both think alike).

If you don't go can I suggest you give some money to a worthy cause here in Thailand. An orphanage would be ideal as it fits into the reincarnation thing just perfectly. If your father is out there in the ether I am certain that is what would make him feel the most loved.

Sorry for your loss.

[GuestHouse]

I flew into the UK last night- a twenty minute delay to the flight.

I'll fly out again tonight and expect the flight to be as good as it was coming in.

Go see your dad off.

[daleyboy]

I think you will find the planes are safer now than they have ever been. Take the flight and go and say goodbye to your dad. Imho if it was me i would regret not being able to say goodbye properly.

[krikrik]

Sorry to hear of your father's death.

Whether to attend a funeral or not should be a totally personal decision. If you decide not to go, do not let anyone make you feel guilty about it.

If you go, it may help you along in the grief process. However, depending on you, your beliefs and various other matters, it may not.

Your presence may be helpful to other family members; but that again depends on many factors.

It's up to you how you choose to grieve him.

You could head up in to a mountain at the time of the funeral or sit in a pub.

It's really only between you and your Dad.

[Jockstar]

I think you will find the planes are safer now than they have ever been. Take the flight and go and say goodbye to your dad. Imho if it was me i would regret not being able to say goodbye properly.

I agree with Daleyboy. I would never forgive myself if i didnt go. Sorry for your loss.

[khunlungphudhu]

Sorry to hear of your loss Laz.

I just want to say if you can go, do so!

The guilt you feel just thinking about it will only grow with time, and will surely take forever to pass.

True, funerals are more for the living, and that is what you are doing now.

[Papa_Lazarou]

I did actually go back and say bye bye to him in person a few weeks ago - and twice previously in the preceding six months.

I'll go to the cathedral on the funeral day and say a prayer.

My point is though that i'm using this terrorist thing / combined with 7000 miles distance as a convenient excuse

....and secondly that if we choose to live abroad in 30s and 40s, we can find that all our holidays are spent going back home.

[sbk]

This is true papa, all my holidays are spent going back home, and I am now going back again this year to help take care of my parents as my mother is quite ill.

But, I don't feel this is a burden to me, I love my parents dearly and look forward to my trips home as much as they do. If I can only give back to my parents half of what they have given me then I will feel fortunate.

But, your relationship with your parents is just that, yours and you alone can make a decision that you feel you can live with.

Sorry for your loss, its tough watching parents age.

[marshbags]

I did actually go back and say bye bye to him in person a few weeks ago - and twice previously in the preceding six months.

I'll go to the cathedral on the funeral day and say a prayer.

My point is though that i'm using this terrorist thing / combined with 7000 miles distance as a convenient excuse

....and secondly that if we choose to live abroad in 30s and 40s, we can find that all our holidays are spent going back home.

Grieving is a personal thing that effects us all no matter who we are.

You went to see your father 3 times in the last six months while he was alive and this you can be consoled by and have memories of this period and these personal visits.

In particular you saw him to say goodbye personally a few weeks ago and he will be at peace with this and so should you.

He knew you loved him and that,s for sure.

So long as there are family and friends to attend you could send a letter / telephone to express your feelings while apologising for not being there in person, asking for understanding and to let others know you are unable to attend.

Offering financial assistance towards the costs, or a memorial could make you feel better if you feel happy and are able to do this.

If not, no problem as your show of love and personal visits where priceless.

The fact that he has died will not sadly alter and wether you go now or in the future doesn,t change things, so you can make a personal and private tribute later.

What you do in life is the most important, not in death and this you can be content with.

Make a special visit to the cemetery next time you go home as the main priority to pay your respects and make a point of doing so whenever you go for your own peace.

You,ll probably find that many who go to the funeral will never go again as sadly this usually happens.

Death really is a very personal thing and do not worry about the finger pointers, should there be any as both you and your father know you had those special meetings while it mattered and that,s what counts

Do not feel guilty P.L. and console yourself in this knowledge while setting a special time aside at the actual time of the funeral and still be a part of the service.

It doesn,t need to be religious either if your not that way inclined as you are paying respects ultimately to your father and thinking of him.

Do what you feel comfortable with but do not ever feel guilty by not attending.

With respect and empathy

marshbags

[SamuiJens]

Sorry about your lose. As you said, you were just home a few weeks back. And going to a cathedral in LOS and saying a prayer is the best idea since it came from your own mind on what to do. My sister, didnt visit our dying mother in California, from Vancouver, while my son came over from Europe with his wife & child, ever my sisters daughters came. Finally I talked her into coming, but it was to late. This bothers her to this day. So as long as you've said your goodbyes, you won't be haunted like my sister is.

[Mossfinn]

Papa, I am sorry for your loss.

As several posters have already said, only you can make the decision but you have already made the journey three times in the last six months.

I do not know how you feel, as I have never had the close family bond of parents, but in my thoughts I believe that to visit a Cathedral on the day would be the right thing to do if you decide not to travel.

I wish you well

Moss

[Papa_Lazarou]

I have plans to build a pagoda in the grounds of a temple about a hundred miles north of Bangkok, views of mountains and rice paddies. Stick the family in there - for veneration of ancestor.

My wife has one there to accommodate her family. It is quite magnificent and everyone wants to get into it - (when the time is right of course)

[kayo]

Papa Lazarou,

I too feel for your loss.

The guilt of not going is passable. Society dictates that we should go to an overly elaborate process, not even mentioning all the various and inflated costs of doing so.

Pay your respects to him as only you yourself will know how to do. Perhaps that involves some part of the beautiful sounding pagoda gardens.

Either way, what you and he carry is that which is in your own hearts.

I wouldn´t worry about not going back. It shouldn´t make the least bit of difference.

[Scott]

My sympathies are with you.