I am currently looking at venues to place an ice cream shop to cater to the ‘budget minded’ ice cream connoisseur.

Whilst liaising with the marketing director of Tigerclaw Industries we realized that there is nowhere in Thailand (to the best of our knowledge) that sells the ‘99 ice cream’.

For the non Brits out there, a 99 ice cream (or better know as ‘A 99’) is a soft whip ice cream in an ice cream cone with a Cadbury’s flake sticking out of the ice cream.

Occasionally the ‘99’ will include nut sprinkles and/or a raspberry or chocolate syrup, but these are additional topping and are not necessary when crafting a ‘99’.

History book show us that the origin of the ‘99’ is Korat, Thailand but perhaps I should explain the story of the origin, so that you can better understand why we (at Tigerclaw Industries) feel that we could re-launch this children’s favourite in Thailand and be able to make enough money to pay for our Ed Visas.

In 1772 the famous explorer and dictator Benito Mussolini (Il Douche) was taking a holiday in Thailand and stopping at a bed & breakfast in Sukhumwit Soi 22 when one of the serving wenches at the local tavern invited him to meet her family in Korat.

Whilst in Korat, the young Benito had many adventures (including a day of Duck Hunting), which due to his dyslexia he did not write down so these were lost during the passage of time.

However, one document from this period that did survive was the detailed drawing (blueprint) of the then planned ‘Tapered Gerbil Application Unit’.

Many of the earlier plans were simply destroyed as the taper was at the wrong angle, but the surviving attempt (and many say his masterpiece, was the Mk99 plan (being the 99^th drawing made)

On his return to Italy this document was captured by English pirates who later presented to the British Museum.

Unfortunately, as the details on the drawing were in Italian and Google translate had not been invented at that time, the plans were misunderstood as being for a grand ice cream with a chocolate confectionary stick.

Anyhoo, back to the reason of the post and therein the question that I am posing to the esteemed members of this forum.

Question 1:

Would a ‘99’ ice cream shop be a good venture in Thailand? Yes or no.

Question 2:

Should the ‘99’ ice cream be sold at a price of 99 Baht? Yes or no.

Question 3:

Would the Koh Sarn Road be a good venue for a ‘99’ ice cream shop? Yes or no.

Question 4:

If the venue was on the Koh Sarn Road would we need to set up a free wifi system? Yes or no.

Question 5:

Would the good gentlefolk of this board have preferences for the milk that this ice cream is made of (for example ant’s milk, badger’s milk, etc)? Yes or no.

To save taking up too much of my time having to read through other people’s views of why the pirates themselves did not use the plans to launch their own brand of a 99, all serious answers should be written on a postcard and sent to the following address:

Tigerclaw Industries,

C/O Thai Visa Forum,

Farang Pub Forum,

Somewhere in Thailand.

**The winning entry will be sent a downloaded copy of ‘Simon Smith and the Amazing Dancing Bear’ by ‘The Alan Price Set’ (1967 version).

** Disclaimer:

Due to the nature of question 5, all Greeks and their families are not eligible to take part in this competition.

Why should I answer this?

You threw me out of Tigerclaw Industries, you took away all my privileges, you gave me no compensation for my hard work over the years, you let me and my family starve on the streets of Thailand.

I hope anyone that has your ice cream gets diarrhea

Why should I answer this?

You threw me out of Tigerclaw Industries, you took away all my privileges, you gave me no compensation for my hard work over the years, you let me and my family starve on the streets of Thailand.

I hope anyone that has your ice cream gets diarrhea

I hope anyone that has your ice cream gets diarrhea

Actually, if it is sold on Koh Sarn Road, so do we.

How long does one have to wait for the 1B change and how much is a TGAU? I'm sure KY will be along soon....

The exact same (home-made) ice-cream sells in Wongchumpu for 30 baht.

So 300 baht on KSR for falang only would be a bargain.

How long does one have to wait for the 1B change and how much is a TGAU? I'm sure KY will be along soon....

Actually Mr. Plant, the original design was named the 'Gerbillo Conico Unita Application' so back in Benito's time it would have been called a GCAU.

KY? Are you talking about the all seeing, all knowing, answer for everything, never wrong, smart arse KY?

Khun tonytigerbkk,

I am concerned that my postcard will not reach its intended destination, so I hope you do not mind if I respond here.

1. A definite Yes-a licence to print money

2. Again Yes-it can be your catch cry- "Get a 99 for 99"

3. No-too many tight asses in K.S. Rd. My suggestion would be to have your main shops in Pattaya-give those fools who sell 99 baht breakfasts a run for their money.

4. Yes-of course-goes without saying

5. Badger's would be preferable, but I have been advised that the latest craze to hit the dairy industry is camels milk, although at $20 a kilo, perhaps badger would be more cost effective.

Back in the real days of Soi 22 they had Ice cream parlours and the waitress came too.

Sounds like a good idea, there is a bloke up in Buriram who has an affection for ice cream.

Maybe you could rent a resteraunt off someone and turn it into an ice cream parlour, you could call it 99 Coins

Sounds like a good idea, there is a bloke up in Buriram who has an affection for ice cream.

Maybe you could rent a resteraunt off someone and turn it into an ice cream parlour, you could call it 99 Coins

But where is the missing 100th coin?

Khun tonytigerbkk, How does one procure employment with Tigerclaw Industries? It certainly sounds like a company going places.

Ice cream or brekkie this the question...or ice cream for brekkie?..

Btw what said Hitler about the Duces plans...

Khun tonytigerbkk, How does one procure employment with Tigerclaw Industries? It certainly sounds like a company going places.

Hi Bangkokjulia,

Tigerclaw Industries certainly is going places.

The problem of gaining employment at Tigerclaw is firstly that we do not advertise our positions, we select our staff, using the same type of methods used by 22 SAS in their selection process.

When we first started this selection process we were advised by another TVF member who served in the SAS, his (code) name is ‘The Walt’.

Although The Walt is no longer allowed to post on these boards, he does manage to keep coming back with different board names to ensure that we have not forgotten him (all be it for short periods at a time.

The second problem is that all of our positions are already filled and due to the opportunities offered at Tigerclaw, you would have to wait for someone to die before their position became vacant.

However, I have spoken to the other directors of Tigerclaw and we all like your enthusiasm, so we have agreed that as soon as one of our members dies (preferably that Mr. Toad as he pulls my hair and steals my dinner money), we would thrust you to the forefront of our selection process.

In the meantime, we would like to offer you more information (just a smidgen more) about Tigerclaw Industries, the board members and the details of the work that we don’t do for charity.

The details can be found at the following links.

www.thaivisa.com/forum/topic/749570-tigerclaw-competition-manufaturers-of-tgau

www.thaivisa.com/forum/topic/756952-tgaus-in-russia

We are also looking into introducing shower curtains into our range of accessories in the near future.

Best regards,

Tonytigerbkk

(Board Chairman)

Ice cream or brekkie this the question...or ice cream for brekkie?..

Btw what said Hitler about the Duces plans...

Really Mr. CC1,

How can you mess up so grandly on a foodie subject?

Hitler was not born until 1972, whereas The Douche was born in 1846 (a full 74 years before his trip to Siam).

This means that there is no way they could have met each other without using the Tigerclaw Industries patented time machine (and post-it note dispenser).

If history has taught us nothing else it is because I was not in school that day.

No wonder they call you the Crazy Chef (1).

Why should I answer this?

You threw me out of Tigerclaw Industries, you took away all my privileges, you gave me no compensation for my hard work over the years, you let me and my family starve on the streets of Thailand.

I hope anyone that has your ice cream gets diarrhea

Ah, are you dragging this back up again.

I thought that your (none) position at Tigerclaw Industries was already established and your fraudulent activities were exposed in your shoes thread.

www.thaivisa.com/forum/topic/748609-help-needed-to-buy-a-pair-of-shoes

Why should I answer this?

You threw me out of Tigerclaw Industries, you took away all my privileges, you gave me no compensation for my hard work over the years, you let me and my family starve on the streets of Thailand.

I hope anyone that has your ice cream gets diarrhea

I hope anyone that has your ice cream gets diarrhea

Actually, if it is sold on Koh Sarn Road, so do we.

Not TGIU is funny!

Damn speelchecker.

Mr Chairman,

I have done a great deal of research into Tigerclaw Industries, and I am very impressed with I have seen thus far.

With myself having a Military background, I commend your stringent selection process, and whilst disappointed, certainly understand to even be considered for a position, a current employee must pass away.

I believe I have the necessary background, the determination to succeed at all costs, and many ideas to offer such as Tigerclaw branded regurgitation bags if any unsuspecting member of the public finds themselves in an "establishment" (I prefer the word dive) that serves 99 baht breakfasts.

Mr Chairman,

I have done a great deal of research into Tigerclaw Industries, and I am very impressed with I have seen thus far.

With myself having a Military background, I commend your stringent selection process, and whilst disappointed, certainly understand to even be considered for a position, a current employee must pass away.

I believe I have the necessary background, the determination to succeed at all costs, and many ideas to offer such as Tigerclaw branded regurgitation bags if any unsuspecting member of the public finds themselves in an "establishment" (I prefer the word dive) that serves 99 baht breakfasts.

Thank you very much for your kind resume.

I believe at this moment in time the only option open to you would be in a 99 baht breakfast dive in Pattaya, be aware of tax avoidance issuses such as not returning the 1 baht change.

As regards your military background, what tree was the tallest at Crendenhill?

The answer will sort out the Mittys from the BSrs, Soi 6 brigade, did you ever serve in, up the Khyber passage?

rgs2001uk,

I would never be that desperate to work in a 99 baht breakfast dive.

Additionally, the UK Military is not the only one in the world in which one can serve.

Mr Chairman,

I have done a great deal of research into Tigerclaw Industries, and I am very impressed with I have seen thus far.

With myself having a Military background, I commend your stringent selection process, and whilst disappointed, certainly understand to even be considered for a position, a current employee must pass away.

I believe I have the necessary background, the determination to succeed at all costs, and many ideas to offer such as Tigerclaw branded regurgitation bags if any unsuspecting member of the public finds themselves in an "establishment" (I prefer the word dive) that serves 99 baht breakfasts.

Thank you very much for your kind resume.

I believe at this moment in time the only option open to you would be in a 99 baht breakfast dive in Pattaya, be aware of tax avoidance issuses such as not returning the 1 baht change.

As regards your military background, what tree was the tallest at Crendenhill?

The answer will sort out the Mittys from the BSrs, Soi 6 brigade, did you ever serve in, up the Khyber passage?

what tree was the tallest at Crendenhill?

Not so sure about a '99'. I think I'd prefer a '69'. No protruding chocolate needed as it would likely get up my nose or poke me in the eye.

There is a diagram of this in a book called the Kama Sutra, I believe.

Not so sure about a '99'. I think I'd prefer a '69'. No protruding chocolate needed as it would likely get up my nose or poke me in the eye.

There is a diagram of this in a book called the Kama Sutra, I believe.

WhamBam, I believe that the Kama Sutra is now a bit of a taboo subject, as the book is now being investigated by Stacey Dooley under the working title of ‘Bint learns to read book’.

Providing nothing exciting happens during her investigation, BBC3 will air the program in the Autumn.

rgs2001uk,

I would never be that desperate to work in a 99 baht breakfast dive.

Additionally, the UK Military is not the only one in the world in which one can serve.

Dear bangkokjulia,

We regret to inform you that on this occasion your application has been unsuccessful.

We would like to take this opportunity to wish you every success in you future employment endeavours.

Please do not let this rejection prevent you from applying for future positions that may arise.

Yours blah blah blah.

I may be breaking the OSA here, however its an open secret in the espionage world of of digital pikery intelligence gathering and surveillance that these 99 baht breakfast bars are nothing more than a mere front.

In much the same we as we have operatives from the SBS employed as dive masters in Phuket.

I fully understand you may not be familiar with the shadowy world of spec ops.

Dont fear, specialist training will be provided should you be successful in your next application, in the mean time to increase you chances of acceptance, some research will be required on your part.

Are you able to do, The Dance Of The Flaming <deleted>, can you sing Zulu Warrior with a Sth African accent?

Protocol prevents me from revealing more of the mysteries of the inner circle.

Please delete this message after reading.

rgs2001uk,

Not sure what position you hold at Tigerclaw Industries, however, I have been dealing with the chairman, who has fully explained protocol with regards to employment.

Of course the 99 baht breakfasts are a front-I have associates who have entrenched themselves into these dodgy businesses to gather intelligence. Bit of an oxymoron-intelligence and the owners of these dives.

I know more about special ops than the average female.

I have performed said dance to a standing ovation, and my South African accent sounds authentic.

rgs2001uk,

Not sure what position you hold at Tigerclaw Industries, however, I have been dealing with the chairman, who has fully explained protocol with regards to employment.

Of course the 99 baht breakfasts are a front-I have associates who have entrenched themselves into these dodgy businesses to gather intelligence. Bit of an oxymoron-intelligence and the owners of these dives.

I know more about special ops than the average female.

I have performed said dance to a standing ovation, and my South African accent sounds authentic.[/quote

Zulu Warrior is a very important anthem. RG has been known to conduct Tigerclaw's Brass Band from time to time, when he is not busy undertaking surveillance ops.

rgs2001uk,

Not sure what position you hold at Tigerclaw Industries, however, I have been dealing with the chairman, who has fully explained protocol with regards to employment.

Of course the 99 baht breakfasts are a front-I have associates who have entrenched themselves into these dodgy businesses to gather intelligence. Bit of an oxymoron-intelligence and the owners of these dives.

I know more about special ops than the average female.

I have performed said dance to a standing ovation, and my South African accent sounds authentic.

My dear Miss Julia, or are you one of these Fem Nazi Ms types?

Not sure what position you hold at Tigerclaw Industries

head of internal security and digital pikery.

I have been dealing with the chairman

Thank you so much for bringing this breach of extenal security to our attention.

Please be aware of Greeks bearing gifts, especially dodgy IMF credit lines, this matter is being given our fullest scrutiny, we can only apologise on behalf of Tigerclaw industries.

I know more about special ops than the average female.

Fascinating I am sure, however please be aware Tigerclaw Industries operates a strict non discriminatory practice in accordance with latest guidelines. If you think you can curry favour by flashing a bit of tit you will be sorely dissapointed.

and my South African accent sounds authentic.

Excellent stuff, keep up the good werk, I would suggest however you put a bit of practice into a Sth Efrican accent to make yourself more plausible.

Just to make sure you really can do a Sth Efrican accent, what item on the Nandos Chicken menu is the best value?

To confirm your credentials, on the sports channel, who is the biggest tozzer, Gary Bailey or Terry Paine in the backside?

Are you able to say, "for sure Hansie" in a Durban and cape Town accent?

Too prove that we at Tigerclaw Industries are indeed equal opportunity employers operating a strict non discrimanatory policy, are you able to "sing" Swing Low using only hand gestures, very imporatant question here, please feel free to phone a friend, when it comes to the line, "coming for to carry me home", which hand is used?

You can call me anything you like-just don't call me late for dinner

You sound like a character out of Harry Potter.

I thought the Chairman was of English origins. Perhaps you are confusing him with a recently sacked employee who has some strange fascination with milking badgers.

Trust me when I say I don't need to flash anything to impress-my reputation is well known in the Spec Ops family.

You are aware that Nandos is actually Portuguese and not South Efrican? To answer your question, it's a toss up between Espetata grande or peri peri chips.

Gary played for the mighty Man Utd-Terry Paine wins hands down

The accent in Durban is definitely harder to master than Cape Town-but I can do both. Hansie-RIP

Believe it or not, I have sung Swing Low a few times after a big night. I believe the left hand is placed behind your head, whilst the the right is utilised to perform the hand gestures.

Hi again bangkokjulia,

I see that you have met our head of security RGS (AKA ‘The Dentist’).

RGS was adopted by Tigerclaw Industries as a child after he suffered an (unprovoked) attack by a pack of wild clawed warriors while holidaying in the hamlet of Shellbrook (Ashby-de-la-Zouch).

While the attack was traumatic, it did serve to make RGS a better security chief in the following ways:

1). RGS is now very wary of all things and will often be found interrogating anything of suspicious nature (both animate and inanimate objects).

2). RGS can eat all colours of Smarties without suffering from an allergic reaction.

3). In ultra violet light RGS becomes invisible.

4). RGS has no known weaknesses.

5). RGS can smell people from Iowa at a distance of 15 paces.

6). RGS knows every handout in every town and every lock that ain't locked, when no one's around.

Also, due to the attack RGS has spent many hours studying clawed warriors and their migratory behaviour and has often worked alongside Dr. Will in government backed research projects.

The misunderstanding about the position of Chairman stems back to a certain Mediterranean gentleman who has in the past tried to lay claim to affiliation with the Tigerclaw group of companies.

No-one really understands the need for these claims but it is believed that it was done to make himself appear more sophisticated in an attempt to become popular.

This man is a badger milking Tigerclaw groupie.

I cannot say too much more about this matter due to the pending trial for this case.

So anyway, you will probably now understand why RGS was so thorough when questioning your background.

Usually by this stage RGS would have already carried out a complete body cavity search just to check that you were not concealing any clawed warriors about your person.

Please tell me bangkokjulia, have you recently been contacted by any persons claiming to be from Tigerclaw offering you a duck hunting holiday?

Y

You are aware that Nandos is actually Portuguese and not South Efrican? To answer your question, it's a toss up between Espetata grande or peri peri chips.

Nandos is South African. The chicken is Portuguese style

You can call me anything you like-just don't call me late for dinner

You sound like a character out of Harry Potter.

I thought the Chairman was of English origins. Perhaps you are confusing him with a recently sacked employee who has some strange fascination with milking badgers.

Trust me when I say I don't need to flash anything to impress-my reputation is well known in the Spec Ops family.

You are aware that Nandos is actually Portuguese and not South Efrican? To answer your question, it's a toss up between Espetata grande or peri peri chips.

Gary played for the mighty Man Utd-Terry Paine wins hands down

The accent in Durban is definitely harder to master than Cape Town-but I can do both. Hansie-RIP

Believe it or not, I have sung Swing Low a few times after a big night. I believe the left hand is placed behind your head, whilst the the right is utilised to perform the hand gestures.

BJ, it would appear we are now in a position to take your claim more seriously.

I was talking to the boffins over in room 101 this morning and it appaently they uncovered some footage of you undercover in SA,

Still got a bit of werk to do on that accent.

To answer your question, it's a toss up between Espetata grande or peri peri chips.

We are willing to overlook the incorrect answer above, this is the correct answer.

Please dont contact TCI, they will contact you, be aware of imposters masquerading under the brand name.