A confession from a bad Thai guy, and I am facing depression

[andygala]

Hello everyone

From my previous journal entry, I just want to say that I am in Toronto now.

I finally got a place from a Thai landlady.

The price is reasonable and the room is quite comfortable.

Thanks for all of your advice.

In this entry, I would like to ask you for some other advice.

I have been feeling down lately for some reason.

I really don’t know exactly why I feel that way.

I have so many things on my mind.

I think it might be because of that.

Someone told me I should write it down somewhere.

I shouldn’t keep it inside.

It would be better for me to let it out.

I have been carrying on for too long,I guess.

It’s time to make confessions, I believe.

When I first had my American live-in boyfriend, I was only 22 and he was 62.

Yeah….yeah, I know the big gap in age between us was 40.

When we were walking down the street together, lots of people looked at us.

He couldn’t care less and neither did I.

Then, I had a German boyfriend, another American boyfriend and a Canadian boyfriend.There were so many bad things that I did to them.

I can recall a few and I feel regret.

Sometimes, I feel very guilty and I wish I could go back and change things.

I used to feel like I had some kind of trauma in my memories from my childhood.

Therefore, I tried to use those people to replace something.

There were some times that I was absolutely struggling and I felt like drowning.

I met my Canadian boyfriend, and he helped me get out of Thailand.

There were papers after papers after papers that I had to fill out.

I don’t remember how many times we wrote back and forth.

I finally got a visa to his country (Canada).

I thought it would be the end of my long journey with suffering.

Instead, it was just the beginning of another disaster.

After that, I married a Dutch guy and our marriage failed terribly.

I would like to make some confessions.

I think I am ready to face reality.

I believe it will set me free from my haunted memories.

And finally, my spirit can rest in peace.

My question is where or which website can I use to do that?

I want to tell my true stories. And I hope someone will listen to me.

I am looking for a place with lots of traffic so at least my stories will be read by many people.

Which website would you recommend?

Someone advised me to use facebook.

I heard about that, but I don’t know how it works.

All advice is appreciated.

Best regards,

Andy

[krisb]

Try www. Bigyawn.com

[Costas2008]

Oh you lost soul.

I wish you were near me, give you a cuddle and make you feel better.

You are in the right website now.

Many people will offer you comfort here.

Just tell us your problems and worries and together will try to sort them out.

But never put yourself down.

Always look at the bright side.

You never know what comes tomorrow.....may be it's gona be your Lucky day.

Never despair......life is beautiful.......live it to the full.

Next time you write to us I want to see a happy face......OK?

[robertthebruce]

If its any consolation we all make mistakes, some handle it better than others..

If i had to feel bad about the ''Negative'' stuff i have done to previous partners, i would never of moved on...

like i said, we all handle things differently...

Hope you find with what you plan to do, solves your problems.

all the best

[geriatrickid]

If its any consolation we all make mistakes, some handle it better than others..

If i had to feel bad about the ''Negative'' stuff i have done to previous partners, i would never of moved on...

like i said, we all handle things differently...

Hope you find with what you plan to do, solves your problems.

all the best

You are being rather generous.

Those aren't a few random mistakes, but a catalogue of selfish behaviour manifestations.

People can change and they do change. However, I will be surprised if this leopard changes his spots anytime soon and I fear there will be more broken hearts before the reality check of aging clicks on. I feel sorry for all the people who were used along the way. They are the ones who need the support and compassion.

[mike324]

post on reddit, if your stuff is good, it will go viral

[Squeegee]

I'm surprised so many people chose to have a relationship with such a self-obsessed bore.

There's more to life than you, you know. Go outside and help some people and make yourself into a better and more interesting person. Feeling guilty about your past should be converted into improving who you are, not more self-obsession.

Also, try not being in a relationship and learn to live with yourself. Then you might actually be someone worth being with.

But nevermind, there will be plenty of people daft enough to take you on, as your past history shows. So no need to make any effort at all until your time has run out and nobody wants you.

[Scott]

If you are in Canada, part of feeling down may be due to the change in living arrangements and conditions. The darker, colder weather can have an affect on people as well.

I worked in a lot of different countries and quite a few were war zone areas. I wasn't in any serious danger if I took care, but these jobs often meant a major adjustment period. This included no electricity, television and limited social contacts. Each time I would go into a depression that would last for a time and everything looked dark. I would regurgitate things from past and dwell on them. It would pass.

If you have seriously and intentionally wronged people (and you probably haven't done as much damage as you think), you should try to make amends and that can be as simple as an apology.

You need to try to get out and meet some people and form some friendships. Given your past, you might want to try not to hop into bed with them immediately and make them think there is more to the relationship than there really is.

Writing is a good way to help sort things out, but it doesn't undo the past. It may help you sort through stuff though.

Best of luck and keep us posted.

[dundas]

If you are in Canada, part of feeling down may be due to the change in living arrangements and conditions. The darker, colder weather can have an affect on people as well.

I worked in a lot of different countries and quite a few were war zone areas. I wasn't in any serious danger if I took care, but these jobs often meant a major adjustment period. This included no electricity, television and limited social contacts. Each time I would go into a depression that would last for a time and everything looked dark. I would regurgitate things from past and dwell on them. It would pass.

If you have seriously and intentionally wronged people (and you probably haven't done as much damage as you think), you should try to make amends and that can be as simple as an apology.

You need to try to get out and meet some people and form some friendships. Given your past, you might want to try not to hop into bed with them immediately and make them think there is more to the relationship than there really is.

Writing is a good way to help sort things out, but it doesn't undo the past. It may help you sort through stuff though.

Best of luck and keep us posted.

I'm would add to what Scott says that I hope you can be kind to yourself. If you can't have compassion for yourself, it's difficult to have compassion for anyone else.

I find the thing I can do best for myself when I'm not feeling so great is to get out of the house, and do something. Take a walk in the park, go to the gym, swim, wander through a market ... just get out in the world.

And do my best to stay connected with other people. I've joined a few groups whose activities interest me - nothing sexual at all in any of the friendships I've formed from being in those groups but I value the friendships, and the feeling that I'm a part of something bigger than just me.

[andygala]

Thank you everyone for all advice.

Mike, thank you for your advice. I think my stuff is good and interesting.

And, I want my stories to be read by many people. How does it work exactly?

Scott, thanks for your information.

Back to the story;

It’s too complicated to tell everything right now.

To be honest, I don’t even know if I can really spell it out in a year.

I know deep in my heart, the relationships were ended because of my fault.

Well, I had some personal issues and I was too cowardly to admit it.

I have been running away from the truth. You know why?

Because the truth is too painful for me to deal with.

I would like to think otherwise, but the truth is always there.

No matter where I try to go, no matter where I try to hide, it always comes back around me.

It’s time for me to face it and be able to accept the fact.

And finally, learn to let go and learn to love myself.

Well, someone advised me to talk with the counselor in Toronto. http://www.familyservicetoronto.org/programs/counselling/depression.html

I did once in 2012, but I wasn’t absolutely being honest to her.

Besides, I don’t want to listen to one opinion or one feedback.

I would like to listen from many people around the world.

I like to read lots of feedbacks.

Because I believe different people may have different opinion.

That is the reason why I am looking for the right websites.

Best regards,

Andy

Edited March 1, 2015 by andygala

[andygala]

By the way, does anyone know bout using facebook?

I heard about it long ago, but I never have one.

I would like to post my pics as well.

Thanks

[Scott]

You might be more comfortable finding a counselor who is male and one who is familiar with gay issues. Check with the local GLBT group about a good counselor.

A good counselor isn't going to give you an opinion about what you did, he/she will help you understand what you do, why you do it and either change it or come to terms with it.

I can't help you with facebook. I have one, but I never use it. It's a pain in the back side, unless you want to know what someone ate for dinner. But I am not up to speed on all the modern technology so someone else can maybe help with that. Maybe a blog?

[Keesters]

Facebook is not really that hard. I use it a little, as it is not really my thing. Just like to see what my (real) younger buddies post. I'm told it's easy to get virtual friends, everybody accept a friend request. But what value is a virtual friend? All they want is numbers. Older people I find prefer more intimate, personal communication by email or even letters. Best for you to give it a try. FB help seems always out of date as they change the site so often so if you get stuck you could ask other FB users. But like others have said here I don't think it is what you're looking for.

[boldbro]

What's done is done. One cannot change the past, nor should wallow in it as it can lead to self destruction. First you must forgive yourself. Then you must let the past go and begin again. Then you must listen to your heart as we all know basic right from wrong. However, as you can see many do not listen. The only way to make things right is to go forward treating people as you would like to be treated. Think positive from now going forward. That sometimes does not seem doable, but when those negative thought start surfacing, stop and think of positive things, like for example, your favorite, song, or place, etc.. In any event, I hope the best. Just know, as someone posted, we all have made mistakes, but hopefully after as many mistake that any one of us have made we learn and move forward. Note; some times we as humans make the same mistakes over and over before we learn the lesson. Peace and good life!!

[RichCor]

First, a word of CAUTION:

While you may want to tell your story and get feedback from the WORLD, it may not be such a great to put your Personal Information along side it.

Doing so may cause you great harm, as you don't know how people might respond. Especially those who are reactive and waiting for *something* like your writing to come along so they can act out.

I don't mean to say you shouldn't write or publish. But until the story is 'out there' and you start reading the feedback, you should remain totally anonymous (and that means learning HOW to remain totally anonymous). Later, much later, after you get a feel for how people are wanting to respond, only then should you consider identifying yourself.

Second, a QUESTION:

So, what is it you hope will happen by doing this?

Do you know others who have done this, and what has happened for them?

Know that there is probably a purpose in your wanting to put your story 'out there' and get as much feedback as possible. While you may unknowingly be seeking acceptance, kind advice, affirmation, approval of others or maybe just to be understood, you may also find rejection, ridicule, anger or much worse.

A much safer 'outlet' may be accomplished by becoming a contributing member of a trusted support group, one specializing in your desired outcome and where the environment has some safety parameters.