How Is Your Wife Adjusting Since Been Back To Thailand?

[BKK90210]

How is your wife adjusting since been back to thailand?

Background:

My wife has been living here in the US since 1981. She came here for the high school and then went on to the university – got her double degrees. We have been married for 20 yr and working for our own firm together for the last decade while she’s also working as a part-time consultant for the city.

She doesn’t have any thai friend here and doesn’t speak thai on daily basis – except once/twice a year on the phone with the family.

She can understand the thai lanuage about: 80% - normal conversation – but no big/fancy words, and about 60-70% - of thai writing

My problem is this:

I will have to be in Thailand for 5 yrs. At the beginning everything was fine as she’s was somewhat happy to be back and planning to do many things in Thailand. But since we put our house up for sale last week, now all the sudden she’s not very happy going back and having somewhat anxiety attack, because she’s so afraid of the culture shock and facing the unexpected and challenges of re-entry is having to adjust your "new" self to your "old" home. She thinks it will be difficult experience of re-adjusting to life in thai culture again after living abroad for so long. She has undoubtedly changed in many ways since then. Her beliefs, convictions, values and world view have also changed.

Do you think that:

For many students/thai expats:

Is the process of re-adapting to home after study abroad even more difficult than adjusting to the host culture?

And is it very common for returnees to experience loss of identity during this time?

And what about the relationship with the thai family?... Do you think she will feel the pressure from family and friends to revert back to the person she was before study abroad?

Any advice - How does one cope with re-entry/ coming Home: Life after Study/live Abroad?

Edited September 5, 2006 by BKK90210

[Losangels]

The longer one stays away from ones place of birth the harder it is to adjust.

She has been away for over 20 years will require some serious adjustments.

Way of life, culture, customs, people will be practically alien to her.

As time goes by she'll get used to it and become more comfortable, it will he hard especially in the beginning. Best of luck!!

[GuestHouse]

I can’t answer your question in full because we haven’t returned full time yet, but I have the following insights.

Firstly, never forget the old adage “It isn’t what you see when you go away that matters, it is what you see when you go back home”.

My wife recently returned to Thailand to visit her mother and struggled immensely with ‘The Thai Way’. While in Thailand she had to change house address and ID card, having got used to western bureaucracy she found dealing Thai government official infuriating.

On another front, I have two Thai engineers and a Thai economist working with me here in Italy. One of the engineers is actively seeking to stay in Europe. This is her second assignment in Europe (she’s also worked in the US and other parts of Asia). She has told me herself that she felt she made a mistake when she went back to Thailand last time. When I asked her what she found different (keeping in mind the old adage above), she said she hated being judged on her ‘compliance’ rather than her ability – She is an extremely bright and able engineer and will undoubtedly find a job here if she wishes.

Finally I have a friend (also female engineer) who returned to Thailand from Australia to work for one of the major oil companies. She stayed a year and then went to the US. Her reasoning was that she too had become fed up with being required to ‘comply’, she also felt that her qualifications where disregarded in favor of local Thai qualifications – She expressed her belief that there was an open prejudice against people who had studied overseas. She went on the get an extremely good job with the same oil company in the US and is now one of their senior project managers – Thailand’s loss I guess.

I think if your wife is used to having a career and used to having respect on the basis of the job she does then she may well struggle with some of the other ‘social segregation’ that exists in Thailand.

If she is intending to continue working when you move to Thailand then I would suggest that she looks for multinationals where her qualifications and experience will be more likely to be appreciated as an asset and not a threat.

Best of luck

[Old Man River]

How is your wife adjusting since been back to thailand?

Background:

My wife has been living here in the US since 1981. She came here for the high school and then went on to the university – got her double degrees. We have been married for 20 yr and working for our own firm together for the last decade while she’s also working as a part-time consultant for the city.

She doesn’t have any thai friend here and doesn’t speak thai on daily basis – except once/twice a year on the phone with the family.

She can understand the thai lanuage about: 80% - normal conversation – but no big/fancy words, and about 60-70% - of thai writing

My problem is this:

I will have to be in Thailand for 5 yrs. At the beginning everything was fine as she’s was somewhat happy to be back and planning to do many things in Thailand. But since we put our house up for sale last week, now all the sudden she’s not very happy going back and having somewhat anxiety attack, because she’s so afraid of the culture shock and facing the unexpected and challenges of re-entry is having to adjust your "new" self to your "old" home. She thinks it will be difficult experience of re-adjusting to life in thai culture again after living abroad for so long. She has undoubtedly changed in many ways since then. Her beliefs, convictions, values and world view have also changed.

Do you think that:

For many students/thai expats:

Is the process of re-adapting to home after study abroad even more difficult than adjusting to the host culture?

And is it very common for returnees to experience loss of identity during this time?

And what about the relationship with the thai family?... Do you think she will feel the pressure from family and friends to revert back to the person she was before study abroad?

Any advice - How does one cope with re-entry/ coming Home: Life after Study/live Abroad?

Almost similar circumstances, although my wife went to University here and had her Chula alum friends to help her somewhat. It will be tough on her, and therefore tough on you. The sooner she gets out of the house and involved the better for both of you. A real good start would be the American Womens Club (AWC). Its website is www.awcthailand.org. She will meet others with similar backgrounds. As for the family, they will make comments, but this can't be avoided. Over time, they will stop complaining about her and go back to complaining about someone else in the family, as is always the case.

Really, she will like it here. My wife's view was to give it a try and if things become untenable, she could always go back. She hasn't, and it has now been close to 20 years.

[Mobi]

I'm afraid I can only provide somewhat negative input.

My former wife was 27 when we moved to the UK in 1983, so she was obviously already 100% fluent in Thai, having a university degree here. Her English was also pretty fair, as she went to Singapore for further eduaction for a couple of years.

She took a while to adjust to the UK - like about 2- 3 years - but eventually she embraced England and the Uk culture, as well as maintaining strong ties with Thailnd with a circle of Thai friends in England, and frequent trips back home.

When we divorced in 2003 and had to divide my not inconsiderbale estate, I was convinced she'd take the cash, move back to Thailand and live like a queen. But no, she took a relatively small amount of cash and opted to keep the family home in lieu of cash. This meant she had to go out to work for the first time since she'd been in England to maintain the home and pay her expenses. But she had absolutely no desire to relaocate back to Thailand, and over the past 3 years has settled into a happy life in the countryside with her friends etc. She still comes over here once or twice a year, but has no desire to live here.

I think for some expatriate Thais (but by no means all), the good parts of western culture and democracy have a compelling appeal over the Thai way of life with all its corruption and hypocracy. Nice to visit - she is still proud to be Thai - but prefers the west for permanent residence.

A bit like us farangs in reverse.

I'm afraid you may have your work cut out my friend - but better to know than to close your eyes to it.

[GuestHouse]

I should add there are growing signs that my wife is not looking forward to returning to Thailand. She frequently mentions negative things about living in Thailand and positive things about living here in Italy or indeed the UK.

One thing that I do know grates Thais who return with overseas experience and qualifications is working alongside foreigners who with similar (often lower) qualificaitons and experience automatically get the full expat deal whereas Thais are too often expected to take a local rate no more than someone with no interntational experience of language skills etc.

Multinationals will often but not always recognise this and provide packages that are based on what individuals bring to the company.

I recall very heated debates with a Thai HR manager over a returning Thai being offered a package equal to an expat - He just did not get the idea that the guy should get the money on the basis of his value to the company.

[autonomous_unit]

My wife spent 12 years in the US after graduating highschool in Thailand, and we've been back in Bangkok for two years now.

Her experience mirrors what other have said above to some degree, but I think it is worth pointing out some details. Your wife will not have culture shock the same way you might upon first arriving in Thailand! That is reserved for people who did not grow up in the culture. There will be plenty of day to day things she can handle without much trouble if she grew up here and can communicate in basic Thai. The things we westerners get culture shocked about should be innately understandable to someone who grew up here (whether they like these things anymore or not). Some things she may be worried about might not even exist anymore.

If the last time she spent much time with the family was as a youth, I am sure they will take some time to find a new way to interact as older adults. This experience may have a lot in common with the country encounter at large. Some people may have trouble taking her as she is now, while others might seem surprisingly adaptable. She may have similar problems herself, if she expects too many things to be as they once were.

I think "identity" thing eventually works itself out as: you are international people and pretty much know what you like and don't like. Once you've taken some reasonable time to reexperience Thailand, you can easily figure out how to get the most out of the place and avoid the aspects you don't really enjoy. (Or, decide you want to go on to greener pastures...) I think the situation would be a lot different if you are independently employed/retired versus still trying to climb the ladder in some corporate environment.

[migrant]

My,soon to be, Thai wife, has been here 10+years. Married a THai guy, they got visas and came here. He died of a heart attack about 4 years ago.

We went over last year, her first time in the 10 years, and loved most of it. She has gotten used to some of the western ways, so going back to her small village near Cha Am was a little slow for her.

I've been over enough to know I would like to retire there, and when we talk about it, she is excited, but wants to go to a more populated area, closer to Cha Am/ Hua Hin, and have a more westernized house.

About the only area of living in Thailand I want to westernize, is.......toilet paper ......and she agrees

[NovaBlue05]

My only question concerning toilet paper in Thailand is why do I see it adorning so many dining tables

[egeefay]

My Thai wife moved to the US over 28 years ago and has been living here ever since.

But we've made frequent trips to Thailand and even more frequent now that we are reaching retirement age.

I would say that ten years ago neither of us would have considered moving to Thailand to live.

There were too many things we would have had to sacrifice in order to adjust to Thailand: the lack of western conveniences, shopping, medical care.

But things have changed a lot in the last few years. Thailand has all the conveniences of the west, including the shopping and medical care that is on par with the west....and most for a lot cheaper than the west.

On our last few trips to Thailand we saw a lot of improvements to the economy and lifestyle. It got us thinking about the possibility of moving to Thailand permanently. There are colonies of Scandanavians and Britians who have already made the move and seem to be enjoying it. We think we could live a more comfortable retirement in Thailand than in the US.

Of course visiting on Vacation and living there are not the same. But we are willing to entertain the idea and actually bought some property in Thailand in anticipation of a future move.

For retirees, Thailand does make a lot of sense. Even if the adjustment is hard you can always rationalize that the cost of living makes it worthwhile. It's hard to retire in the west and live as well as in Thailand on a fixed income.

But if you are young and are still working, the adjustment to Thailand may overshadow the benefits. I'm sure the work culture in Thailand and the work culture in the west are light years apart and there will be BIG adjustments.

Unfortunately there's no way to predict how well your wife will like living and working in Thailand. You don't have the luxury of trying the job out for a few months and seeing how things go.

But it might be a good idea to work on a plan B in case you find the work situation intolerable and decide you can't live in Thailand after all.

[BKK90210]

First of all - sorry for the late response. I'm trying to do zillion things at the same time over here!

Thanks all for the inputs and advices….much appreciated!

Darn!....I thought she will be helping me adjusting to my new life in Thailand….but in fact I might be the one helping her to do that instead. Life is so unpredictable!

My wife’s from Bangkok but we wouldn’t be living there and she will not be working for any thais or international company because we already owned our own structural engineering firm in the US for almost a decade which we will keep it opens – serving only US based clients, but only our home office will now be in thailand. SunbeltAsia is taking care of our working permit clearance from the Thai Labor dept as we speak.

Back to the topic

Her family says that she’s now more american than Thai. Over here in the US she can express herself in a more diverse ways and manner than she could if she were in Thailand. Every time when we’re in Thailand, she said it was a strange experience she suddenly was feeling like being a tourist in her own country. She thinks it will be difficult experience of re-adjusting to life in thai culture again after living abroad for so long. The “new” you in the “old” home country.

She has undoubtedly changed in many ways since then. Her beliefs, convictions, values and world view have also changed. But I told her that…. Just as your attitudes changed while you were abroad, you probably developed new knowledges, skills, and behavior patterns that helped you survive in your everyday life overseas, such as learning to find your way around a new city, to act in a culturally appropriate manner, to converse about new subjects, to discover new things, and therefore you can use these skills over again once we’re in Thailand – same same – and who knows you might develop the new fun way of problem-solving skills in dealing with the thai people over there.

Of course she is proud to be a Thai but after having grown up here, she sees the US as her main home. She doesn’t have any thai friends around here but didn’t seem to get lonely but would prefer Thai people that know a lot of English and could understand her while in Thailand and she also always speak English with her mom. So as stated by some of you it is a good idea for her to join in some American alumni organization – to Continue being a multi-cultural person – this might help ease the transition and she agrees

So I just reassured her that coming home from study/live abroad can be a challenging and difficult time at first–as to be expected - however, it is normal to experience some degree of stress. But it can also be the time when you learn the most from your cross-cultural experience, as your experience abroad will be unique and special. The process of re-adjustment can take weeks or months that what you are going through is normal and very, very common. Expect a period of stress, and know that it is a natural part of the re-adjustment process – don’t think too much over it!...just deal with one day at a time

How am I doing so far?

[Old Man River]

First of all - sorry for the late response. I'm trying to do zillion things at the same time over here!

Thanks all for the inputs and advices….much appreciated!

Darn!....I thought she will be helping me adjusting to my new life in Thailand….but in fact I might be the one helping her to do that instead. Life is so unpredictable!

My wife’s from Bangkok but we wouldn’t be living there and she will not be working for any thais or international company because we already owned our own structural engineering firm in the US for almost a decade which we will keep it opens – serving only US based clients, but only our home office will now be in thailand. SunbeltAsia is taking care of our working permit clearance from the Thai Labor dept as we speak.

Back to the topic

Her family says that she’s now more american than Thai. Over here in the US she can express herself in a more diverse ways and manner than she could if she were in Thailand. Every time when we’re in Thailand, she said it was a strange experience she suddenly was feeling like being a tourist in her own country. She thinks it will be difficult experience of re-adjusting to life in thai culture again after living abroad for so long. The “new” you in the “old” home country.

She has undoubtedly changed in many ways since then. Her beliefs, convictions, values and world view have also changed. But I told her that…. Just as your attitudes changed while you were abroad, you probably developed new knowledges, skills, and behavior patterns that helped you survive in your everyday life overseas, such as learning to find your way around a new city, to act in a culturally appropriate manner, to converse about new subjects, to discover new things, and therefore you can use these skills over again once we’re in Thailand – same same – and who knows you might develop the new fun way of problem-solving skills in dealing with the thai people over there.

Of course she is proud to be a Thai but after having grown up here, she sees the US as her main home. She doesn’t have any thai friends around here but didn’t seem to get lonely but would prefer Thai people that know a lot of English and could understand her while in Thailand and she also always speak English with her mom. So as stated by some of you it is a good idea for her to join in some American alumni organization – to Continue being a multi-cultural person – this might help ease the transition and she agrees

So I just reassured her that coming home from study/live abroad can be a challenging and difficult time at first–as to be expected - however, it is normal to experience some degree of stress. But it can also be the time when you learn the most from your cross-cultural experience, as your experience abroad will be unique and special. The process of re-adjustment can take weeks or months that what you are going through is normal and very, very common. Expect a period of stress, and know that it is a natural part of the re-adjustment process – don’t think too much over it!...just deal with one day at a time

How am I doing so far?

Your doing fine. You have not said that you have kids, so I will assume no. You haven't said where outside of Bangkok you will live, but given what you do, I will guess it will be near your client's projects and therefore not in the middle of nowhere. Your wife should have no problem finding several Thai/ ex-pats living in the area to help her adjust as others have helped them. In addition, there are always organizations looking for members and agencies looking for volunteers so she will not be as lost as she now thinks. Still, she has to be able to give it a year. I know some say 6 months to adjust, but it will take closer to one year. As long as she gets involved in some organization and doesn't sit at home watching TV, she will do OK. Five years will go fast.

[Mobi]

I seem to remeber that you were talking about buying a place in Pattaya.

If that is still your plan, there is the Pattaya International Ladies Club here (PILC) which has a truly international membership, including Thais, and does a lot of charity work etc. Your wife might fit in there very well. Also, as there is such a large community of expats here, including many expat ladies, there are a number of rotary and other organisations that she could get involved with.

And then of course, there is the Mercy Mission which is screaming out for English speaking volunteers to do anything from admin, fund raising or just helping with the kids. Again - a lot of expats to meet and get involved with, as well as Thais.

You're doing fine - do the planning at it'll work out OK.

[bina]

been in a foreign country for 23 yrs; going back home (stateside) was always a culture shock... my mother complained that i didnt speak proper english, i didnt have the proper courtesies and politeness, and people expected me to understand things that i didnt deal with for 23 yrs (even debit/credit cards as an example).... i was too israeli and here, i am too american... plus going back as an adult with teenage kids was wierd in my parents' house (felt like sixteen yr old again).... but for the most part it seems that that is natural, and people adjust, and can incorporate the new with the old (new 'improved' attitudes as opposed to old fashioned parents attitudes, etc)... it depends how much a persons' self identity is based on things they like or dislike, and not on their home, car, money etc... (hobbies, talents, partner/kids etc)... i find myself bringing my kids' meds from israel to the states (like the us doesnt have doctors?!), coffee, etc cause after 20+ yrs thats what i got used too......

just like expats: some still complain endlessly after 40 yrs, some see every day as an adventure...i think that when things are new to her, it will be easy but after some time, things may become a bit more difficult, as people around her expect her to 'revert' back to the same sweet 'girl' she was before she left, or whatever, and u and she will have to 're educate' family/friends a bit... al the rest is 'up to you'.... good luck....

[autonomous_unit]

...

Darn!....I thought she will be helping me adjusting to my new life in Thailand….but in fact I might be the one helping her to do that instead. Life is so unpredictable!

...

Don't sell yourself short. I am sure you'll need more adjustment than her. You just don't realize it yet.