Afraid to go back home

[Suradit69]

I've lived out of the US for the better part of 40 years. I don't go back very often. Once for about 10 days, but more often for a few months at a time. The last time was about 8 years ago and that probably was the last time.

I always appreciated the friends who insisted I stay with them (and I still get invitations for one more visit), but after reading some of the posts in this thread, I've suddenly become all the more aware how good those friends are. I've certainly lost touch with most of the people I knew back when I lived there, but never had any doubt that the few who I've valued as real friends would welcome me ... which they've proven a number of times.

Edited July 10, 2015 by Suradit69

[neeray]

I am a very lucky and happy man, I have lived here 7/8yrs, am married to lady who looks after me like a king, even though I am sometimes a difficult man

Most of my Uk friends have died, I was always the youngest of the crowd

My mother and three best friends all died in the last two years

My son does not want to know he is mad because I have told him wife here inherits whatever might be left when I go, and what about his grandchildren, I got him set up with four houses in Greenwich and docklands, no one ever helped me get started

I have nowhere to stay or go if I visit uk but it is cold expensive and a long way away

I am 70 yrs old and whilst it is upsetting also it is life, I have never been so well cared for as I currently am, would i change my choices, yes definitely, should have done it far earlier !!!!! the gains so far outweigh the losses

Well said Al007. You sound like a content man.

[guzzi850m2]

I have also more or less burned the bridge behind me, haven't been back in Scandi since 2004.

Well I am pretty sure I can stay with my family if I shows up but not for too long, 2-4 days perhaps and then move on. The main problem with me is that my wife & son mainly eats Thai food so feeding them is gonna be a problem.

My friend went home with his wife and 2 kids for a 3 week holiday, he rented a holiday house (in the holiday high season, 1000US$ per week) and a car, the experience cost him +500k baht, he-he, Denmark is NOT cheap man.

They now goes to Hong Kong instead, they got a Disney Land park there which his kids likes very much and much easier on the valet too.

I was also the black sheep in the family back home and I have my own family here, so all is happy.

[northernphil]

Glad to see I am in the same boat as many here. I went back for the last time to England 10 years and stayed with my eldest daughter and 2 grands. After a couple of days she asked why I was sad . i said I wanted to go home ( LoS ). She has been here twice to see me with now 3 grandchildren. As a couple of us here say " If friends want to see us they can come here and will be put up for free, I have seen England they have never been to Thailand " But to many it is outside their comfort zone.

[matman]

I would like to say this is one of the nicest threads I have ever read through on TV, every post was a pleasure to read with none of the snide smart arse remarks that are usually found in almost every other TV thread.

[weegee]

What a top Topic...

Was discussing this same subject on the phone with a close friend here in Thailand...We are both foreigners... WHY is everyone discussing it???

Some of us get fed up with all the crap here, but after going home for a couple of weeks, months, we are looking forward to coming back...

This place (Thailand) sure has plenty of problems right now, that dont fit into modern societies thinking in the western world, but if you dont let it get to you, it's ok....and believe me...There are a lot of us here, fed up at the moment....but things will get better.

After the chat on the phone, I realized i am the same as many who actually live here....and like most, can leave if I really wanted to.

[pendingo]

I'm going back to the UK in August albeit with some trepidation and I've only been in Thailand for nearly 3 years.

Luckily I have a son and daughter and some friends who can put me up.

I think, though, after a couple of months I'll be chafing at the bit to return to Thailand.

[pendingo]

What a top Topic...

Was discussing this same subject on the phone with a close friend here in Thailand...We are both foreigners... WHY is everyone discussing it???

Some of us get fed up with all the crap here, but after going home for a couple of weeks, months, we are looking forward to coming back...

This place (Thailand) sure has plenty of problems right now, that dont fit into modern societies thinking in the western world, but if you dont let it get to you, it's ok....and believe me...There are a lot of us here, fed up at the moment....but things will get better.

After the chat on the phone, I realized i am the same as many who actually live here....and like most, can leave if I really wanted to.

My feelings exactly weegee. I couldn't have put it better myself.

[HooHaa]

odd, i havent been back since my daughter was born 8 years ago, but all my friends visit me here regularly me and i have open invitations offers of summer cabins and loaner cars.

it sounds like you must have lost the plot somewhere and pissed some people off.

currently i am looking very forward to going back for christmas.

tragic to have so effectively burned all bridges. i think you seriously need to reassess where it all went wrong, especially given that you feel the need to seek solace here rather than with friends.

Edited July 10, 2015 by HooHaa

[Time Traveller]

If you move away to another country where you have little to no connections for many years away from family and friends without making any effort to maintain a long distant relationship with them, then out of the blue you ask if you can live with them and then you question why they are suspicious?

I'd be asking questions too. Like: were you in jail? Are you broke and homeless and expecting them to support you? Are you a drug addict? Why?

Seriously, Ask yourself why you want to travel back to the country? If you can afford an air ticket and can't afford a hotel, then it sounds like your purpose of travel is to soak up welfare benefits and take advantage of free accomodation.

If you really wanted to be with the family or friends you speak of, then book your self into a nearby hotel.

Edited July 10, 2015 by Time Traveller

[White Christmas13]

Well I have to say we went back after 7 years in LOS not to the USA but to OZ

We had 2 suitcases with clothes, $ 2000 in our pocket, nothing else.

No home to go, to just friends who put us up for months .

Within a few weeks we both found a job bought a car and found a place to live.

We saved every dollar and bought a second car and moved in to a bigger place.

Now we are settled, why do I write this?

Never give up if you believe in something it will come true

[rexpotter]

I dont think I lost the plot, I just thought I would be more welcome. Last time i was back nobody wanted to hear anything about my life overseas. I am not sure if it is jealousy or fear. I have not changed that much and saying I have burned bridges may not be the correct way to say it. But after we are gone for an amount of time perhpas we are seen as traitors or something. We left the clan and did not contue to go through that hardship

they deal with.

[1FinickyOne]

A short trip, you are probably not missing much - but maybe what you have gained is the realization that this is your really your home now and your friends here are really your friends…

good luck to you -

[rexpotter]

I also think I have to learn to appeciate the little nice things I get here more than I do, that would be impossible to get in the staes. like the security guard who always watches my car for me for a few months when I am gone for 100baht, and the maid who is forever polite and does a great job cleaning where i live. Little things. But apparently the ittle things are not going to happen for me back in my past life and I have to accpet that.

[villagefarang]

I have lived here longer than most and have gone through many phases along the way. My parents were the only people I really kept in touch with back home and I visited them regularly. When they needed more care they sold the condo and moved into a retirement home, then friends of theirs offered us a place to stay while we were visiting. We have also stayed with Thai/Farang friends we met there, who live in the islands not in Thailand. We keep in touch on Facebook and the occasional Skype call. Actually my wife is the one who maintains those relationships.

We had better luck visiting my mother’s side of the family on road trips and found them pretty welcoming, considering I hadn’t seen most of my relatives for 40 years. There really isn’t anything left from my childhood and my parents both passed last year so it is looking less likely we will continue making regular visits.

I have lived in Thailand much longer than I have lived anywhere else so this is home but I still have a few places I want to see.

[mikiea]

Sad to say.....but I guess your "so-called" friends weren't really your friends then

I went back to australia 3 years ago,i asked my oldest son if i could possibly stay with him and his wife.Was asked for "how long"...i said 1 week.The response i got was 3 days would be ok!

huh ... who raised him ?

[gandalf12]

If you have no real reason to go back why do it? Yes it may be your place of birth but so what? Stay in the country you are happier in

[Laza 45]

...I once heard it said the 'Home' is a place you can go.. if you realize that you have never been there! .. Things change.. that is the one thing we can be certain of.. I have traveled a lot all my life (70 now).. I have lived in many beautiful places and had some wonderful friends.. but I know there is no going back.. and I have no desire to.. the memories are great.. that is enough for me.. I have 2 adult children in OZ and I visit them once a year... which I enjoy... but I have no desire to live in a western culture again.. I enjoy my life now.. and I am lucky to have some great memories..'going back' isn't an option... "Remember be here now..."...

[kingstonkid]

Rex

Heck with the housing market you could probably buy a lace cheap and just move in lots of foreclosures in flint

[robertthebruce]

I am a Gypsy, and do enjoy moving all over the world...

Life is for living and do I live it....

Itchy feet might set in soon, if so,

I will be off, where too ?? Who knows , not even me.....

[rijb]

Similar experience here. I find the longer I live here (14 years) the more reclusive I am becoming. I just don't seem to be willing to put the effort into overlooking the shortcomings of others the way I would have to in the past, if I wanted to keep any friends. It just doesn't seem worth the hassle anymore, I just end up getting angry and upset. God only knows, I have plenty of failings of my own but I have found the people I meet nowadays (both here and at home) are not of the same "caliber" like they were in my past.

I'm talking about things like, bad manners, selfishness and self-contentedness, lack of gratitude for help offered and given, not replying to emails, not returning phone calls, not keeping their word. What it boils down to is simply this....lacking in principles.

As I already said, I am no saint myself but that list is just all about "common courtesy", nothing more than that...and it is precisely that that is disappearing rapidly.

I heard a fellow say one time...if you want to know how many friends you have...check out how many are waiting for you at the airport. ....I am lucky though....I have one real friend left.

or... if you only had an hour to live who would you call?

[Mike West]

Glad to know I'm not the only one that feels like an alien when I go back home.

[Beetlejuice]

It is always wonderful to see long lost friends again and having them stay at my home is enjoyable for two or three days, then after that it starts to become inconvenient. It was the same back in my home country, if we had a party or get togethers and a friend or friends stayed overnight, it always felt like a relief when they left the following day.

This is not being selfish or anti social, people have their own lives to lead and things to do. Having friends stay means they have to be entertained and catered for, which places a hold on our normal schedules. The same applies in my home country, family and friends have to work, go shopping, have appointments and all the normal routine stuff

Times have changed since my younger days when I was single and my best friends were single, when we were happy go lucky, these days most of my old friends are married, have families and busy lives, the same as me. I would never expect people to accommodate me for longer than a couple of days.

If the OP would like to travel back to his country, then he should rent a cheap bed and breakfast accommodation and a car or even a motorbike or bicycle so he can go and visit people that I am sure would be thrilled to see him, perhaps even happy for him to stay a night or two, but expecting people to accommodate for several days or more is rather pushing the boundaries of peoples hospitality and not to be expected.

It`s all a matter or being reasonable and using common sense.

[Altalake]

Is it not odd how so many wish to come and leech off one in Phuket - but if YOU want to go and have a few days with them......their grannie is visiting for maybe 2 years and they have no room!

"Fair weather" mates my Friend!!

[khunano]

First of all, thank you Rexpotter for raising this topic, it has indeed been very revealing to read all the many responses. After almost a quarter century in Asia (mostly in Thailand) and having spent close to half of my life abroad I probably belong here though I love to go back certainly to visit my parents and a few good friends back from my school days. I never burnt the bridges and whenever I go back it feels as if I have not been away for that long. Having a bit more spare time on my hands now, I am about to spend almost three months back in my native country and I very much look forward to the trip. Although I probably feel more at home in Thailand, I cherish the time spent in my native culture and could meanwhile even think about trying to live somewhere else on this globe.

[magnacarta]

Strangly enough I was just thinking about starting the exact same topic.I agree with many of the posters on here as I returned to the UK for the first time in 10 years last year and had the same experience.My predicament is that I have got bored with Thailand.I have a great wife,beautiful daughter and I am now in my twilight years.I am lucky enough to still own a house in the UK,all bought and paid for,likewise a house here,2 cars etc.all paid for.

My post was going to be,if you were in my situation i.e. bored with Thailand and wanting a better life for your family which you could finacially support,what would you do?

I suspect that many expats have burned their bridges and just maybe stuck here.I am lucky enough not to be in that situation as I took a long term view regarding my life in Thailand.I must admit it was great at the begining but the way things are now I find Thailand is becoming a less attractive place to live as an expat and having a family.I look forward to your feedback.

You say you're "bored with Thailand".....first off I'd ask where you live? In a country village? and if so move to another area of Thailand.....beach, city etc.

Then you say you want "a better life for your family" which is very understandable.....but you don't indicate what your family includes ...ie children still in school? if so personally I would raise them elsewhere for better schooling (mine are all grown and doing well). But then you indicate you're financially well off ....so if you stay in Thailand and have children send them to an "international school".

Since you still have a house in the UK why not move back? have you discussed this with the family as to what they want? (my wife WANTS to live in Thailand so that's where we live)

Good luck whatever you choose.....but remember ....Home is where your family is (which from the sounds of it can be anywhere) and as such you should take into consideration their feelings.

Firstly I live north of Bangkok in a non tourist area.I am not a beach person,done Phuket and Pattaya and no way would I want to live there.My daughter has just started matyom in a private school,she has been in a private school since anuban.My wife wants our daughter to go abroad for an education,but pray tell me how you can send a 12 year old abroad on her own.I am in discussions with my wife about us moving back to the UK but as yet have not enquired about visas etc.I would not impose my wishes on my wife or daughter,my wife has stated on many occasions she would like our daughter to go abroad for education.My brother in Scotland and my sister in Canada have offered to have her,but I have yet to explore those possibilities.Sorry to say you are bending to your wifes wishes,my wife is looking to the future for our daughter.Thank you for your response,I was expecting a reply like yours.

No need to be "sorry" for saying I'm bending to my wife's wishes. BUT you are wrong. Marriage is a partnership and that's how I treat it. I took my wife to the US (have a house on a lake in California) and asked her if she wanted to live there. Her response was ...."Its nice and clean in America but I have no friends so I'd rather live in Thailand .....but it's up to you...if you want to live in the US ...I will". As I am retired and was over 10 years ago I thought "why not live in Thailand " ...can give it a try.

So we moved to Thailand and I haven't regretted it since....Don't live in BKK (although we did initially and still have a house there) but do live on the beach (eastern seaboard ....NOT Pattaya) where we built a small resort. So I am neither bored (as you are) nor regretting my decision to live in Thailand ....Best decision I ever made.

Still wish you luck as you seem to be one of those who's in "limbo" ...not knowing whether to stay or go.

Sorry about the late reply,I was tied up watching Wimbledon,sorry to say Andy Murray got dicked..Glad to hear you are happy,I can understand your wifes attitude towards the USA.I visited a couple of times on holiday and that was enough for me,each to their own.As a matter of interest the house I have in the UK is a 5 minute walk from the beach on the south coast,so I have the best of both worlds if I went back to live there.I do not want to bash the good old US of A but there is no way I would want to live there.Sorry to say that you sound like alot of the expats on here who have dug themselves a big hole and can't get out of it.I am one of the clever ones who have kept my options open,and that includes my family.I gave up wearing the rose tinted glasses along time ago.

[mesquite]

It is always wonderful to see long lost friends again and having them stay at my home is enjoyable for two or three days, then after that it starts to become inconvenient. It was the same back in my home country, if we had a party or get togethers and a friend or friends stayed overnight, it always felt like a relief when they left the following day.

This is not being selfish or anti social, people have their own lives to lead and things to do. Having friends stay means they have to be entertained and catered for, which places a hold on our normal schedules. The same applies in my home country, family and friends have to work, go shopping, have appointments and all the normal routine stuff

Times have changed since my younger days when I was single and my best friends were single, when we were happy go lucky, these days most of my old friends are married, have families and busy lives, the same as me. I would never expect people to accommodate me for longer than a couple of days.

If the OP would like to travel back to his country, then he should rent a cheap bed and breakfast accommodation and a car or even a motorbike or bicycle so he can go and visit people that I am sure would be thrilled to see him, perhaps even happy for him to stay a night or two, but expecting people to accommodate for several days or more is rather pushing the boundaries of peoples hospitality and not to be expected.

It`s all a matter or being reasonable and using common sense.

Getting cheap accommodations in the US is impossible. Renting a car is out of the question due to high insurance costs the OP would have to pay. A motorcycle is not cheap either, and a bicycle is impractical as his friends are scattered away from Flint.

[spiritrace]

First off, if so many people reject you or limit your time with them then the problem is you, you are irritating to them.

After 7 years you will find that the U S is not the same country you left 7 years ago. Your clock stopped 7 years ago and the country continued to change.

When I returned after 10 years I could not recognize the cars, and so many other things. It had all changed. I am 70 years old also. In the U S with a Thai wife. I spent 25 years in the military so change to me is not that big a deal. I own my own home and have a place to live regardless what happens.

At 70 years old, you appear to be set in your lifestyle and are probably better off to stay in Thailand. If people want to see you they can come to Thailand. I have a number of people who will come to Thailand when I buy a home there. I am easy to get along with. I don't make demands.

Just accept things as they are. Your life has changed, you have a good woman. What more can a man ask for? You are who you are.

[mrfaroukh]

Have you been in touch with them during all these 7 years or more? May be you just remembered that you have few friends and you would like to get a free place to stay.

[Guy360]

The key here is to never burn your bridges. Keep in touch. Invite family and friends to visit you in LOS or wherever. When you don't lose touch with those you have relationships with, there will always remain a bond regardless of the years away.

I also am an advocate of making friends on the internet. I have had many invitations from new friends to come and visit and stay with them for awhile.

Isolating oneself from your roots is never a good thing to do.

Guy