Need som advice about "Silent treatment" from Thai lady

[carpediem86]

My girlfriend has this as well sometimes, albeit we still talk a little, but I feel she's in a bad mood. Mostly it happens before her period.

So I don't blame her and just wait until it is over. I also treat her extra nicely in this time, because I believe it's really just the hormons.

Sometimes I feel a bit hurt, but I can handle this.

I would also recommend you do have a slow approach, but to talk about it regularly. That will make her realise it is a problem and she will try to do something about it, if she also cares for you. But don't expect too much. Nobody can drastically change his own personaltiy.

I will definetely try to see if it comes before the period, because it seems to be repetitive. Maybe it is like this and maybe she can get some medicine to make it a bit better.

It is a sign of fatal immaturity. She may grow out of it, but then again she may not. You cannot "make" her change, as you have already said. Until she is "cured" of this habit, you should not seek to make the relationship any deeper or more binding than it already is. The deeper you fall in now, the harder it will be to claw your way out later.

I know you love her & she says she loves you so any action can be hard and/or scary. If you truly feel compelled to get more deeply committed, you need to clearly explain to her this is a deal-breaker. Either she gets cured of this habit and you can get engaged, or she fails to change in which case sooner or later you will be gone. You are deserving of respect, and this is not respectful behavior. It can and quite possibly might get worse.

I would not give her a timeline, but in your shoes I would set a timeline & keep it to myself. Then start emotionally preparing yourself to make a clean break when that deadline arrives & she has not changed.

Yes this is a big thing. I think she can change, for example if it is the hormones as suggested before maybe she can get medication to make it a bit less. I feel that she tries more now because when we talked a bit a few times before (mostly me talking) I explained to her how this made me feel. So now the last two times it happened she at least tries to nod her head a bit if I ask something. Not much difference, but it feels like she is at least trying. However we need to try to get into this problem more and find out why it is happening, even if she doesn't know right now.

[carpediem86]

I do think you should find a reason why this happens. There is always cause and effect. There may be a "generic" reason for this to happen with Thai women, but they could also be underlying (and untreated) medical issues.

I have a friend who had the same problem for many years and was unable to get to the apparent cause. He finally could not take it anymore and told her to stop it or leave. It worked so far (about 6 months).

You can also consider going to a marriage counceler, just for an exploratory discussion.

Keep us posted on your progress, and best wishes for both of you.

I don't need a reason to why this happens, even if that would actually be a good place to start. What I need is to know what we can do so it doesn't happen again. The few times we talked a bit about it she said it is her fault, not mine. And I don't feel like I have done anything wrong, so on that part we both feel the same. The thing is it feels a bit different than some other friends I talked about that god "silent treatments". She isn't happy when she feels this way, and also she makes me very unhappy. And she doesn't do it to get anything from me, because I don't give her any things or extra physical support or anything. It is just bad for both of us, so I think she would also like this to never happen again. Just not sure how to talk about it in the best way because she can easily feel really bad from any criticism.

I also think it is possible to find out, so I hope we can do that. We will see what happens after I try to push a bit more to talk about it. But marriage concealer could be an option. I feel that I need to know more about this, because it is causing me too much pain, and also her.

I would say your woman is a typical Thai woman. Here in Thailand from an early age men and woman are taught not to rock the boat and tow the line. Respect authority and do not show opposition to it or much emotion .

They are not taught to think out of the box or express undue emotion unlike in the West where we are taught to be in touch with our emotions

I suspect she is going through some of this now.

Unfortunately Thais are taught not to to have any outward emotion or display it too much . This is so sad as I suspect there is a great deal of mental illness as a result or lashing out This is one reason you hear Thai woman uncontrollable lashing out Its built up over time and then becomes uncontrollable

Good luck if you think you can talk to her about it You will find it next to impossible to talk about

Yes, this is a big cultural difference. I will keep this in mind, and already know about this also.

This is a form of emotional abuse...and is not good for your long term relationship...

My first thought is that she is pouting about something...money comes to mind first...you think about this idea...

She could also have hormone and/or psychological issues...

See if she will talk about the "silent treatment" episodes with you when she is in a happy mood...

If not, you may want to try counseling for the both of you...

Good Luck...

Yeah it is a form of emotional abuse, even if she doesn't do it willingly, as far as I know. As I tried to explain before it is not about money or anything, she doesn't get anything out of it, she also feels bad. I have never given her money, or her family. I tried one time to say that I could help her and buy a new phone because her was not working well, but she refused and the next month her brother gave her a good one instead.

[fang37]

Menstrual disorders - suitable medications available.

Time for action NOW?

[carpediem86]

oh yeah... the "silent treatment or showing the cold shower"

been there...

solution i used: packed her bags, dropped her at her sisters home and said goodbye...

She was in shock...

I told her: treat me one more time with silence or a cold shoulder, turn one more time away without an explanation why and you have your ticket out of my life... period.

it worked as a charm, i teached her to give me a change to say i am sorry if my behavior gave her bad feelings... at least i deserve, or better both of us, to know the reason why we have bad feelings about something.

So we can do something about it and improve ...

Same time to watch for: the monthly hormone cycle from a female person.... specially when they are not taking the birth control...

I will use this as a last resort. I feel that it is better to communicate and try to solve our problems rather than threatening to leave. But if nothing else works maybe this could be something I have to try.

You may not be able to change this in her - - she might just need a mood break for whatever reason….

BUT - what you can change is your attitude towards it and your reaction to it.

If you are sensitive, which you sound to be, then your natural reaction is "HEY. What did I do?" - The answer is that it is not likely about you. It is caused by something inside of her. We are all emotional and chemical and complicated beings… don't internalize these 'periods?' of hers. Keep it really low key and let it pass. If anything be a bit more affectionate if she responds or seems to want that. She may just want to be left alone for a little while.

It really sounds as if this behavior is not a reaction to you - it may pass as she becomes more mature - it may be something you just have to accept - hopefully it will not get worse. But, none of us are perfect and all of us have quirks. This just does not sound too bad and it seems like you have so much good…

Yes, I have started to change my attitude. The first few times this happened I was sure that I did something wrong. Even if she told me after that I didn't do anything wrong.

I've had some version of this in every relationship I've had where we spent a lot of time together. I never over-analyzed it too much. Just figured they got sick of my outgoing farang personality and as an introvert they just needed some time with no talking, to be alone with their thoughts. So I give them their space until they open up again, which they always do and back to "normal" (my normal).

If she can't even explain to you why she is doing it, I'd bet this is it. And when she says it's not you, it's her, that means there is nothing you are doing wrong that she needs you to change. So try not pushing it and just let her have some quiet time every once in awhile. No big deal. You might end up creating a problem by pushing her to stop having her quiet time.

I will try not to punish her for it, because it seems like she isn't doing it voluntarily. But I need to push a bit, slowly, to talk about this or do something, to make our relationship better in the long run. Or learn to live with it or leave. But I don't want to have to do that. Most things can be better when understanding what the problem is and understanding each other.

[mogo51]

I very much doubt the lady will be able to vocalise any coherent reason for her behavior.

I don't need a reason to why this happens, even if that would actually be a good place to start. What I need is to know what we can do so it doesn't happen again. The few times we talked a bit about it she said it is her fault, not mine. And I don't feel like I have done anything wrong, so on that part we both feel the same. The thing is it feels a bit different than some other friends I talked about that god "silent treatments". She isn't happy when she feels this way, and also she makes me very unhappy. And she doesn't do it to get anything from me, because I don't give her any things or extra physical support or anything. It is just bad for both of us, so I think she would also like this to never happen again. Just not sure how to talk about it in the best way because she can easily feel really bad from any criticism.

Not much point in asking for advice if you are not prepared to listen to it and act. If this is going to be her ongoing behaviour, you have a problem.

[chilli42]

Well, it's not a small thing if it bothers you as much as you say it does. Presumably you have done something to annoy her and this is her response ... correct? If she just does this out of the blue for no reason then she is a nutter and best get rid of her. So keep in mind here that behaviors observed during dating (the happy times) will get more pronunced with the years. So you need to solve this before getting married. Seems to me that you have three choices

1. Become compliant and stop the behavior that is annoying her. This is a slippery slope as these tactics will be used to expand her control in other areas in the future. So I don't recommend it.

2. Ignore these pouting sessions and have a good time doing something else until she goes back to normal. This works for me because I really don't care if my wife wants a good long pouting session ... she always goes back to herself in a couple of days.

3. Find somone else that behaves in a way that makes you happy. There are lots off girls around that will make you just as much or more happy.

If I were you I would take option #3. As far as talking to her, don't waste your breath. Don't try and mKe her change - it's not reasonable and it won't stick. Let her be herself. It's you who has to make up their mind about what you can live with. Just pick on direction and go with it. Oh, did I mention that #3 is the best option?

[carpediem86]

Good sensible advice.

I had a similar problem. For no apparent reason I'd get the silent treatment.

Although very rare, it was frustrating.

I started to react by giving her the same treatment, which she didn't like and would ask what was wrong.

It made her realise the effect her silent treatment had on me and she opened up to discussing the issue.

It was basically just a bad day at the office syndrome.

Now if she has a bad day she vents her frustration by discussing the issue with me.

Some people get angry, some go silent, it's just a part of a someone's personality, but you do have to tackle the problem if it affects you.

Yes if we cannot talk more about it I could try to give her the same treatment just to make her understand better how it feels. But I already explained to her how it makes me feel and it feels like she is trying more now. Could be one way to go, we will see.

First -- ignore 99% of the comments here. Always when posting, ignore the first 15 comments.

Really? That's your biggest complaint?

Relax. It's 'ok'.

My 49 year-old Thai wife here on Maui often does this. She's processing information. Not often. But sometimes.

Two weeks ago, she had an ugly argument with her Mother in Tha Bo (west of Nong Khai).

Phapassorn was very quiet for about 24 hours. She was thinking and processing, somewhat in a "shell".

She was quiet at work, too.

She comes out of it. A week later, she told me all about it.

As MEN -- are we any different.

Sometimes, I ask for "Quiet Time" when I get home from work. I just need a few hours to myself.

I go to watch American College Football for 10 hours on Saturday, and she says nothing but hope I had a good time.

We like "Our Time", too. You do. I do. We all do.

We just get our "Quiet Time" in different ways.

No matter the cause, ignore people telling you to end the relationship. Just internet reactionaries who would say the same thing if you said she ugly ankles.

If you never fight with her and this is the only problem in your relationship -- consider yourself very lucky. There are people suffering through relationships and marriages with Thai women who tolerate much, much worse (probably some of the same guys telling you to run the other direction). Thai women can be very emotional and prone to getting in lots of arguments with their lovers. You have it good.

Yeah, I problably replied to way too many comments now. When I started replying a while ago I didn't see that it was 3 pages, thought it was only one.

The thing is that she never asks to have quiet time like you do Steve. She never tells me after why it happened. But after I tried to talk a bit about it and explained how it makes me feel at least she says she is sorry and that it is nothing that I did wrong. It still happens though, and I hope we can solve it. Maybe I should not complain too much, as you both suggest other couples can have bigger problems sometimes. But this is still a big thing for me, and it feels like it is a big thing for her too.

[Daniel Boon]

Opinions are like bum holes, everyone has one and you know what comes out ... I believe it comes to an inability to fully communicate ... (l am married to a Thai)

Aside from that, it's the age old story of relationships between man and woman ...

Finally, when they say they don't want to get married, it doesn't mean it ...ask her formally, ask her parents ...if they say no, no worries ...if they say yes, so what, it's only a bit of paper

As to dowry / sin sod, it's only money, like a deposit ...

[onni4me]

I really love her, and she me. We are both high-school teachers and I am 29 yo and she is 24 yo.

Yep. Yep. In my view love is overrated.

You say that you have only been with her 6 months? That is not anywhere close enough to know if she is a match. I did the same mistake close to your age thinking I "loved" someone here in Thailand and hastily started building house etc. That ended in tears after couple of years living together.

Next relationship took 4 years - living together every day - before we decided that we were a couple. It took a lot of adjusting from both sides. If someone says that it is easier here than it is in the West he is deluding himself. It is way much harder. I mean, if it is not about money. The language, the customs, the family...you name it. Also, you should think if you like to be the guy taking care of family emergencies. I don't mean sick buffaloes but rather someone getting sick and so on. It is a lot required from a family man that really is not the way we are used to in our own countries. Are you up for all the rest too?

What comes to her behavior. Have you heard of Passive-Aggressive behavior? That is what she is giving you. I would say no to someone showing signs of it.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/passive-aggressive-diaries/201305/confronting-passive-aggressive-behavior

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/passive-aggressive-diaries/201403/7-reasons-why-people-use-passive-aggressive-behavior

[carpediem86]

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I think I have given as much information as I can now, if someone has the energy to read through it all I am impressed. No need for me to write so much more now I think. I will keep you updated later after me and her talk more about this. Please leave more comments if you feel like you can add something. And thank you for all the replies so far. A few really good ones (and of course also some nonsense since it is a Internet forum).

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[StJoesy]

Question:

Is she punish you with that silence or just she "locks herself up"?

I had only few Thai girlfriend yet but my experience if they silent angry on you.

So if she punish: run away it will be more worse.

If she have problem you have to accept and try to help her (maybe just let her "alone" for a while).

If she silent when she not with you you are in Big trouble.

Hope i could help!

[dotpoom]

My wife says Thai ladies don't like to talk or even answer questions during an argument...she says with Thai men....the more they speak (answer)..... the more problems they make.

PS. One good thing i find with Thai ladies....they don't hold resentments, when the argument is over it's quickly forgotten about ...they carry on as if it never happened.

[DDbkh]

It sounds like 'Standard operating procedures' to me. Like a screaming child wanting to get her way. Yes maybe set off by PMT but it's mainly about getting control. Ignore it don't pander to her.

[likeke]

Maybe she is depressed and this is how she shows her symptoms. I would really like to see you both obtain a third party for a couples therapy. Attempt to uncover the underlying issues. If she refuses, then you must protect your own future mental health by termination the relationship. It will only get worse. Good luck. Glad I am single!

[mikiea]

she is immature , does not understand her own feelings and you expect her to understand yours ? she will be better off with a thai boy closer to her age . they will be able to grow together . now you suck all the oxygen outta the air , she is left to only follow your lead .

[1FinickyOne]

I once heard my wife talking to her friend on the phone - she said that we get along well because -

"When I am angry, he shuts up and when he is angry, I shut up."

We rarely get angry at each other and when we do, it blows over in about 10 minutes… but like I said before - don't take it personally. Every relationship has some issues and htis does not really sound that bad...

[hellstens]

Just do your thing and let her be Silent, what is the problem, I think she have the most difficult time, not you, and she probably

don't even know why it happen. My wife do the same before, or still if she go sad or angry, I just let her be alone,

and a hour later I ask "you angry me" looking over my glasses. It help every time.

We have lived together for 9 year, and only have 3-4 small fight, because of misunderstanding, or car driving/parking.lol

No big deal for me.

[Thaidream]

I totally agree with the poster who mentioned PMS (Premenstrual Syndrome It is rampant in Thailand. Of my 3 long term relationships with Thai women- 2 of them had it and one was treated in America by a doctor for it which lessened the symptoms. Silent treatment was always part of the scenario and the more you try and find out why- the worse it will get. The best advice is to ignore it- it will pass. You will never find out the reason because it is both physical and psychological. If you love the girl, you will need patience to deal with this because it will not go away. If you cannot handle it- terminate the relationship or you will have years of misery. It took me a long time to figure this out and also in collaboration with several professionals. Good luck to you- I know exactly how you feel.

[DipStick]

I had an English wife who was exactly the same. I tried to talk to her to try and solve the issue, with no luck, so I responded in kind whenever I got the cold shoulder. This did not go down very well with her and then the arguments from her started. I totally ignored her which frustrated her even more.

After a while she became so frustrated and left home. And I have been happier ever since.

[KonaRain]

She never asked for money, and even if I paid for more things than she has done it is only because she doesn't have much money since she just started working with teaching..

Have you asked her what's wrong, or can I help with something? I consider manipulation, silent treatment..not necessarily a Thai thing..

I love her, sounds like me.

You respect her. You point out her good qualities..

Aloha

[NoshowJones]

This is just a thought, my wife has never given me the silent treatment in the ten years we have been together.

Pack a case for a two or three day vacation, (make sure she doesn't know) then the next time she starts the silent

treatment, say to her "I can't stand being treated like this, I am going away for a couple of days", then pick up your case

and do it.

[MauiSteveBKK]

Is It A "Deal Breaker?"

Ask yourself exactly and pointedly, how important is this to you. No relationship is perfect.

My Ex-Wife had a bad, nasty habit of sleeping with other men. To me - it was a deal breaker. She loved the attention of men.

My current Thai wife pisses me off when we walk in BKK - she walks so darn fast and is a "Space Cadet" when she walks.

Sometimes, I slow down and am a full block behind her - look for a nice bar and go have a beer while she looks for me.

She still walks fast. I enjoy cold beer.

Be careful what you wish for. Maybe a "new & different" woman will be better. Perhaps, not.

Give it some time -- follow a few suggestions -- continue to be patient & understanding -- but please

don't always think the grass is greener in the "No Quiet Zone".

Like many here -- we wish you the very best!

[williamgeorgeallen]

Psychiatric treatment ?

For you I mean.. Be thankful for the peace and quiet. I love a good 2 day meditation

solid advice here. but seriously if you are going to stay with a thai girl you are going to put up with this shXt. I know I have been with one full time for almost 4 years (we have 2 kids together) if you dont have any attachments then I dont see why you would bother being in a relationship with a thai girl. before you all go bat shXt on me this is just my opinion. Thailand is heaven on earth for a single guy.

[williamgeorgeallen]

Psychiatric treatment ?

For you I mean.. Be thankful for the peace and quiet. I love a good 2 day meditation

solid advice here. but seriously if you are going to stay with a thai girl you are going to put up with this shXt. I know I have been with one full time for almost 4 years (we have 2 kids together) if you dont have any attachments then I dont see why you would bother being in a relationship with a thai girl. before you all go bat shXt on me this is just my opinion. Thailand is heaven on earth for a single guy.

now I forgot to write I have 2 condos and we live next door to eachother so I see my kids all day every day but when the bullshXt starts I go to my own place. since I moved into my own condo the bullshXt has all but stopped. maybe this is the solution?

[StevieDee]

Psychiatric treatment ?

For you I mean.. Be thankful for the peace and quiet. I love a good 2 day meditation

Agreed, I enjoy these "moments" of peace and quiet when I get them

[Gringogazzer]

It's confrontation avoidance.

There's an underlying problem she has with you if it happens regularly.

The problem is not with it happening but after she's worked it out in her mind she won't bring it up or talk to you about why it happened because bringing it up may cause confrontation which she avoided at all cost originally & made you both miserable. Defeats why she was silent in the first place.

You have to get her to open up to you afterwards as to the issue so you can understand; A: the problem so you help to avoid it in future &; B: when it happens again you'll know when she's worked it out, day or two, you'll have an answer to what's going on. You'll be able to cope with the silence more easily, more patient for an answer.

You've only known her a short time so opening is not easy, but that just tells you your not ready for marriage, too early.

Or it's all BS & she has wind.

[GlutinousMaximus]

I believe it's a standard relationship playbook technique (and not just a Thai phenomenon).I've certainly experienced it and it used to drive me crazy. Now that I've weaned myself off the need to seek female approval at all times, it's very liberating.

Other posters have mentioned PMS - it's possible, but you can prove or disprove that based on accurate observation of her cycles.

Google so-called female 'shit tests' and do some reading - it may give you some pointers.

I'm of the opinion that a lot of Thai females are conditioned to expect the kind of crap they get from Thai males (you mentioned she had previous relationship baggage) and possibly try and elicit it (either consciously or unconsciously). I can't explain it more than that - it's just a hunch. As a touchy-feely-equality-minded Euro male, it's difficult to get onto that wavelength.

Sounds also like you're feeling some pressure about the 'need' to marry - I'd think very carefully about that one, there's no rush, no rush at all! You're already experiencing communication difficulties in your cross-cultural relationship. Believe me, it ain't going to get any easier just because you're married (and I speak from experience). You will also then have 3 parties in your relationship - you, her & the government. If you think you're getting the 'marry her or else' treatment - try the 'or else' route.

Edited October 16, 2015 by GlutinousMaximus

[MaeJoMTB]

Whenever mine plays games,

I grab her and shag her, that usually puts an end to the silliness.

If that doesn't work, I go out to a bar or gogo, get drunk then grab one of the girls and shag her.

Makes me feel better every time!

[SOUTHERNSTAR]

PMDD symptoms describes about 70% of men over the age of 60 years. lol

[Broeno]

it's all about emotional framing and related values. the Thai system is not comparable to the West. to decipher this from two sides is a hell of a job.