Need som advice about "Silent treatment" from Thai lady

[USNret]

It is a sign of fatal immaturity. She may grow out of it, but then again she may not. You cannot "make" her change, as you have already said. Until she is "cured" of this habit, you should not seek to make the relationship any deeper or more binding than it already is. The deeper you fall in now, the harder it will be to claw your way out later.

I know you love her & she says she loves you so any action can be hard and/or scary. If you truly feel compelled to get more deeply committed, you need to clearly explain to her this is a deal-breaker. Either she gets cured of this habit and you can get engaged, or she fails to change in which case sooner or later you will be gone. You are deserving of respect, and this is not respectful behavior. It can and quite possibly might get worse.

I would not give her a timeline, but in your shoes I would set a timeline & keep it to myself. Then start emotionally preparing yourself to make a clean break when that deadline arrives & she has not changed.

[Mavrix]

Give her the same treatment next time she asks for money....or is your girl different ?

[does]

I do think you should find a reason why this happens. There is always cause and effect. There may be a "generic" reason for this to happen with Thai women, but they could also be underlying (and untreated) medical issues.

I have a friend who had the same problem for many years and was unable to get to the apparent cause. He finally could not take it anymore and told her to stop it or leave. It worked so far (about 6 months).

You can also consider going to a marriage counceler, just for an exploratory discussion.

Keep us posted on your progress, and best wishes for both of you.

I very much doubt the lady will be able to vocalise any coherent reason for her behavior.

I don't need a reason to why this happens, even if that would actually be a good place to start. What I need is to know what we can do so it doesn't happen again. The few times we talked a bit about it she said it is her fault, not mine. And I don't feel like I have done anything wrong, so on that part we both feel the same. The thing is it feels a bit different than some other friends I talked about that god "silent treatments". She isn't happy when she feels this way, and also she makes me very unhappy. And she doesn't do it to get anything from me, because I don't give her any things or extra physical support or anything. It is just bad for both of us, so I think she would also like this to never happen again. Just not sure how to talk about it in the best way because she can easily feel really bad from any criticism.

[realenglish1]

I would say your woman is a typical Thai woman. Here in Thailand from an early age men and woman are taught not to rock the boat and tow the line. Respect authority and do not show opposition to it or much emotion .

They are not taught to think out of the box or express undue emotion unlike in the West where we are taught to be in touch with our emotions

I suspect she is going through some of this now.

Unfortunately Thais are taught not to to have any outward emotion or display it too much . This is so sad as I suspect there is a great deal of mental illness as a result or lashing out This is one reason you hear Thai woman uncontrollable lashing out Its built up over time and then becomes uncontrollable

Good luck if you think you can talk to her about it You will find it next to impossible to talk about

[ggt]

This is a form of emotional abuse...and is not good for your long term relationship...

My first thought is that she is pouting about something...money comes to mind first...you think about this idea...

She could also have hormone and/or psychological issues...

See if she will talk about the "silent treatment" episodes with you when she is in a happy mood...

If not, you may want to try counseling for the both of you...

Good Luck...

[louse1953]

I very much doubt the lady will be able to vocalise any coherent reason for her behavior.

I don't need a reason to why this happens, even if that would actually be a good place to start. What I need is to know what we can do so it doesn't happen again. The few times we talked a bit about it she said it is her fault, not mine. And I don't feel like I have done anything wrong, so on that part we both feel the same. The thing is it feels a bit different than some other friends I talked about that god "silent treatments". She isn't happy when she feels this way, and also she makes me very unhappy. And she doesn't do it to get anything from me, because I don't give her any things or extra physical support or anything. It is just bad for both of us, so I think she would also like this to never happen again. Just not sure how to talk about it in the best way because she can easily feel really bad from any criticism.

If the lady can not offer any reason for her behavior it is extremely unlikely that she will be able to change.

It is also unlikely that the two of you will be able to "sort" this matter out.

The lady needs to gain some insight into her behavior and the reason(s) associated with it.

A good Psychologist could assist her but I think seeking such help in Thailand would be a wast of time and energy.

Maybe it's that time of the month.Be thankful for peace and quite,mine goes off.

[stgrhe]

My five cent. We are basically done when we reach five to six years of age. As we grow older we polish the egdes and, in most cases, become more mature. To ask an adult to change his/her personality is virtually impossible. May Western women fail to understand that, and this is, I mean, one of the most common reason for divorses among Westernes.

When we meet a new partner we will soon realise the that person has many positive side, and that is why we became interested in the first place. But, we will also discover sides that we may not like very much. Keeping in mind that those so-called 'negative sides' will allways be there, one must ask oneself whether one can live with them or not. If the answer is no, then the only sensible choise is to break up and look elsewhere as the relation is doomed to fail.

[alanrchase]

If she's not talking to you she can't ask for money. Learn to savour these times.

[louse1953]

It is not a "small thing" and if you genuinely have not done anything to provoke this "silent treatment" you have a BIG problem.

I very much doubt the lady will be able to vocalise any coherent reason for her behavior.

Best you give some very serious thought to any future plans you may have.

I agree, it is not a small thing and not talking about it either means she doesn't actually know herself what's bothering her or she does and doesn't think talking to you will help so that would probably mean it's something that would mean the end of the relationship(in her mind). Key thing to watch out for: if she starts doing things to make you angry. Women hate being the bad guy and if they think the relationship will not work they often instigate fights so that when you get angry they can blame you. If she doesn't do that it most likely means she still hasn't given up on you...yet. Good luck, not being able to talk sucks, I know.

2 days outa 30 she doesn't talk= 28 days she does,and they get on.Sounds to good to be true,your on a winner there mate,marry her tomorrow.

[does]

Spending too much time in the bar with equally insensitive people?

shes probably thinking of her thai bf who just rang her moments before....

[does]

The OP is not talking about a defective car. He is having serious issues. Feel free to make jokes but not at the expense of people who sincerely ask for advice. At a minimum, add a constructive comment to your "joke".

Or treatment for callousness for you? This person is asking a serious question. Take your sense of "humor" to the bar.

Psychiatric treatment ?

For you I mean.. Be thankful for the peace and quiet. I love a good 2 day meditation

Get over yourself...

It's a forum. Not only that but it's TVF

Humor is the only way to get through life... If you can't have a laugh, what ya got ?

[kovaltech]

oh yeah... the "silent treatment or showing the cold shower"

been there...

solution i used: packed her bags, dropped her at her sisters home and said goodbye...

She was in shock...

I told her: treat me one more time with silence or a cold shoulder, turn one more time away without an explanation why and you have your ticket out of my life... period.

it worked as a charm, i teached her to give me a change to say i am sorry if my behavior gave her bad feelings... at least i deserve, or better both of us, to know the reason why we have bad feelings about something.

So we can do something about it and improve ...

Same time to watch for: the monthly hormone cycle from a female person.... specially when they are not taking the birth control...

[csabo]

Psychiatric treatment ?

For you I mean.. Be thankful for the peace and quiet. I love a good 2 day meditation

555 +1. I only came in here because it was a thread about how to GET some quiet for a change.

As long as I am here I will give my opinion. I have been told "You are the one who teaches people how to treat you". It should not need explanation but to elaborate, DONT TAKE ANY CRAP FROM ANYONE. Lay down your rule, be fair and reasonable, stick to your guns.

Edited October 16, 2015 by csabo

[Guest]

Some women experience severe stomach pain / cramps few days before their periods.

When I have severe pain, I become very easily annoyed and generally antisocial. At the time it's best to be alone. My pain is probably just a man flu compared what the periods feel like.

Survival guide: buy her red wine and chocolate then step back. You already know it will be over in a day or two.

[phantomfiddler]

At the first sign of irrational behaviour, out of the window ! There are plenty more out there, and if you are very VERY lucky you might find a genuine and nice lady

[SOTIRIOS]

.......it never 'was'.......nor will it ever 'be'.......

....move on.....

...hope you did not lose too much to her.......

[cornishcarlos]

The OP is not talking about a defective car. He is having serious issues. Feel free to make jokes but not at the expense of people who sincerely ask for advice. At a minimum, add a constructive comment to your "joke".

Or treatment for callousness for you? This person is asking a serious question. Take your sense of "humor" to the bar.

Psychiatric treatment ?

For you I mean.. Be thankful for the peace and quiet. I love a good 2 day meditation

Get over yourself...

It's a forum. Not only that but it's TVF

Humor is the only way to get through life... If you can't have a laugh, what ya got ?

Looks like you got your work cut out policing this thread, I'm not the only one who is giving the "enjoy the peace" advice

[fang37]

I think that the art of choosing a mate is by far related to fate/luck.

[shirtless]

Maybe she likes that song You say it best when you say nothing at all, just ignore her , it works for me they will lighten up when salary is due

[1FinickyOne]

You may not be able to change this in her - - she might just need a mood break for whatever reason….

BUT - what you can change is your attitude towards it and your reaction to it.

If you are sensitive, which you sound to be, then your natural reaction is "HEY. What did I do?" - The answer is that it is not likely about you. It is caused by something inside of her. We are all emotional and chemical and complicated beings… don't internalize these 'periods?' of hers. Keep it really low key and let it pass. If anything be a bit more affectionate if she responds or seems to want that. She may just want to be left alone for a little while.

It really sounds as if this behavior is not a reaction to you - it may pass as she becomes more mature - it may be something you just have to accept - hopefully it will not get worse. But, none of us are perfect and all of us have quirks. This just does not sound too bad and it seems like you have so much good…

[TheKnave]

She is "kee noi jai", easily hurt and passive-aggressive. She knows no other way to deal with problems. If you find it tolerable, keep on. Otherwise, easy for any of us to say, but really, RUN.

Been there, done that, and married a Filipina.

Good luck.

(edit: typo)

Edited October 16, 2015 by TheKnave

[faraday]

Sit down with her, & speak with her in a loving way, & tell her directly that this must change. Ask her what she wants to do about her behaviour causing you so much distress.

Does this silent malarkey happen around her cycle?

Your a relatively young bloke, women can be hugely challenging, & some get very bad pmt.

If you don't get any answers, then reconsider your relationship.

[thonglor10]

I've had some version of this in every relationship I've had where we spent a lot of time together. I never over-analyzed it too much. Just figured they got sick of my outgoing farang personality and as an introvert they just needed some time with no talking, to be alone with their thoughts. So I give them their space until they open up again, which they always do and back to "normal" (my normal).

If she can't even explain to you why she is doing it, I'd bet this is it. And when she says it's not you, it's her, that means there is nothing you are doing wrong that she needs you to change. So try not pushing it and just let her have some quiet time every once in awhile. No big deal. You might end up creating a problem by pushing her to stop having her quiet time.

Edited October 16, 2015 by thonglor10

[Liquorice]

You may not be able to change this in her - - she might just need a mood break for whatever reason….

BUT - what you can change is your attitude towards it and your reaction to it.

If you are sensitive, which you sound to be, then your natural reaction is "HEY. What did I do?" - The answer is that it is not likely about you. It is caused by something inside of her. We are all emotional and chemical and complicated beings… don't internalize these 'periods?' of hers. Keep it really low key and let it pass. If anything be a bit more affectionate if she responds or seems to want that. She may just want to be left alone for a little while.

It really sounds as if this behavior is not a reaction to you - it may pass as she becomes more mature - it may be something you just have to accept - hopefully it will not get worse. But, none of us are perfect and all of us have quirks. This just does not sound too bad and it seems like you have so much good…

Good sensible advice.

I had a similar problem. For no apparent reason I'd get the silent treatment.

Although very rare, it was frustrating.

I started to react by giving her the same treatment, which she didn't like and would ask what was wrong.

It made her realise the effect her silent treatment had on me and she opened up to discussing the issue.

It was basically just a bad day at the office syndrome.

Now if she has a bad day she vents her frustration by discussing the issue with me.

Some people get angry, some go silent, it's just a part of a someone's personality, but you do have to tackle the problem if it affects you.

Edited October 16, 2015 by Faz

[MauiSteveBKK]

First -- ignore 99% of the comments here. Always when posting, ignore the first 15 comments.

Really? That's your biggest complaint?

Relax. It's 'ok'.

My 49 year-old Thai wife here on Maui often does this. She's processing information. Not often. But sometimes.

Two weeks ago, she had an ugly argument with her Mother in Tha Bo (west of Nong Khai).

Phapassorn was very quiet for about 24 hours. She was thinking and processing, somewhat in a "shell".

She was quiet at work, too.

She comes out of it. A week later, she told me all about it.

As MEN -- are we any different.

Sometimes, I ask for "Quiet Time" when I get home from work. I just need a few hours to myself.

I go to watch American College Football for 10 hours on Saturday, and she says nothing but hope I had a good time.

We like "Our Time", too. You do. I do. We all do.

We just get our "Quiet Time" in different ways.

[thonglor10]

No matter the cause, ignore people telling you to end the relationship. Just internet reactionaries who would say the same thing if you said she ugly ankles.

If you never fight with her and this is the only problem in your relationship -- consider yourself very lucky. There are people suffering through relationships and marriages with Thai women who tolerate much, much worse (probably some of the same guys telling you to run the other direction). Thai women can be very emotional and prone to getting in lots of arguments with their lovers. You have it good.

[carpediem86]

So many answers, and quickly also. Thank you for all the input sometimes it is easier to ask for advice on a website than from friends/family. This will be a long post since you have given me many things to consider. I will reply to it all so that if someone has the time to read it all he/she will understand our situation better and can maybe give an even better answer to my question.

Easy to say grow some balls and leave for a few days if it happens again.Then again,if she can not talk about it maybe she can try to write down how she feels .

She may not know why she feels this way and that can be scary.If she does not want to try and work at it things can go from bad to worse and that will be the end.

I would tell her you will give her some time but she has to promise you to do something, a trip to a doctor may be a good start.

Let her write down when it started,how it started and maybe also the why,even if she has to guess.

Maybe you can start by writing to her how you feel about things and why you want to solve this.

This is a good idea also. I will thread carefully and tell her I can give her some time and if she cannot talk about it more than we already have I will suggest that she can write some things down about this situation. She feels it is easier to write. One time when I tried to leave (just left the bedroom, not the house, because I couldn't sleep) she wrote to me that I didn't do anything wrong and that she is sorry.

don't put up with her crap finish with her go and find a women that likes you and treats you with respect that you want and need

grow some balls your right there then tell her its your way or the high way

Time to vacate?

You cannot change her.

She cannot change you.

BUT!

No Buts.

Well, this it not my style. It's not about changing her personality. It is about a problem we have. We have had problems before, as everyone has in a relationship, and we have been communicating and been understanding each other. That way we can do the best of the situation. Sometimes one of us could try to not do something so often, or do it when the other one is not around, or whatever makes the relationship better. Also everyone change as a person, I am not the same guy as I was when I was 19 years old, ten years ago. I acted different in some situations back then. Everyone changes a little bit every year. If it is something she doesn't like and I do not like, maybe she wants to try to not get into this situation, if not for me, for herself. Because she feels bad in this situation too. What if it is some form of PMDD that was suggested before? Should she just ignore it and don't try to see a doctor and try to change? I'm not saying it is that, I'm just saying that to state that one cannot change is not correct. I for example changed myself by trying actively to do things out of my comfort zone and have so much more confidence now than 10 years ago, when I could barely speak to girls for various reasons. Since than I have had one longer relation in Sweden and now my second longer relationship is starting.

A summary of my thoughts. I feel that I have got many good tips here. Not only about my initial question. But also this idea that it might be something more out of her control, PMDD, or whatever it might be. Because she feels so bad also when this happens and she never blames me and she doesn't benefit from it in any way.

[carpediem86]

just guessing ......... it may be that she had a bad experience with someone sometime ago and it comes back to her during those 1-2 days when it's the ' silent time ' could have been with a friend, or relative ... who knows !!!

nothing to do with you, it's just her bad memories. .... I would just forget about it and let her deal with it.

You should just live with it as it's not really your business ..... and it may be embarrassing for her to talk about it.

If she wanted you to know she would have told you already ....... just forget it and accept it.

She had a bit of a longer relationship with a Thai guy and she doesn't like to talk much about it. And when we started talking, and dating, she made it clear she does not want a Thai relationship again. But I'm still not sure about this. If I do like this, as you say, and just ignore it and let her deal with it.. it is bad for both of us now, and I'm not sure it will help to just ignore it. I hope we can solve this together so we have a better situation for both of us. You have a point, that if she wanted me to know, she could have told me. But also it could be difficult to talk about, and Thais seem to like to not talk about things. However when I tried to talk about smaller problems before that we have had, we have always been able to make our situation better and understood each other better. So I will try to talk a bit more about this also.She had a bit of a longer relationship with a Thai guy and she doesn't like to talk much about it. And when we started talking, and dating, she made it clear she does not want a Thai relationship again. But I'm still not sure about this. If I do like this, as you say, and just ignore it and let her deal with it.. it is bad for both of us now, and I'm not sure it will help to just ignore it. I hope we can solve this together so we have a better situation for both of us. You have a point, that if she wanted me to know, she could have told me. But also it could be difficult to talk about, and Thais seem to like to not talk about things. However when I tried to talk about smaller problems before that we have had, we have always been able to make our situation better and understood each other better. So I will try to talk a bit more about this also.

you say she loves you, i think you mean she says that she loves you.

relationships, especially cross cultural relationships, need communication, compromise and mutual respect to be successful.

enough said?

I agree, it is not a small thing and not talking about it either means she doesn't actually know herself what's bothering her or she does and doesn't think talking to you will help so that would probably mean it's something that would mean the end of the relationship(in her mind). Key thing to watch out for: if she starts doing things to make you angry. Women hate being the bad guy and if they think the relationship will not work they often instigate fights so that when you get angry they can blame you. If she doesn't do that it most likely means she still hasn't given up on you...yet. Good luck, not being able to talk sucks, I know.

She is not doing things to make me angry. She recently talked with her family about how they think if we would get engaged and they approved. In Thailand this is a big thing, as it was a big thing when I first stayed over at her families house and so on. Maybe I have given a bad picture of her since I only talked about the one (but kinda big) problem we have. But 49 out of 50 days are perfect. Still we need to do something about this because it seems to be reoccurring. She has respect, we have communication. We have talked about this before, but just a bit a few times. She often says she is sorry after, when she is back to her normal self again. This is not something she does to punish me, even if I thought it was the first maybe two times it happened.

[ghworker2010]

the old silent defiance game. best thing is to be silent with her as well until she breaks out of it

[sn1per]

If this is happening when she is on her cycle...... let her tyres down