Need som advice about "Silent treatment" from Thai lady

[Guy360]

Be nice to yourself.

If you go tit's up, it is definitely over.

Somehow, encourage her to talk - anything - weather, TV

Try a little romance?

If you have a dog, take your dog for a walk.

Yeah I will not push too hard about this, but I feel that we need to really talk about it. I don't have a dog but I will try to do some normal things in this situation.

I believe you to be a good and caring person but you need to ask why, exactly, you are seeking answers to the problem here.

By your own admission you have only "known" this lady for approx 6 months.

I sincerely hope you do find happiness and that the "problem" can be resolved.

I want solutions to the problem because I feel very bad in this situation, and because she also feels bad. It is the one thing that we haven't been able to tackle so far. There has been some difficulties because of the big culture difference, but we managed to deal with that in good ways. So this is the only problem we have now. But it is a problem and in the long run I am not sure if I can accept this behavior.

You feel...you feel...you feel. This isn't about you so get off the pity boat. This is about her. It is HER problem, not yours. She even tells you that. Deal with it not as a personal issue against you, but an illness that she has.

If she was diabetic you wouldn't "feel" it was against you. She needs medical help. Clock the days and times that she goes through this silent period. What were the triggers. She could be bi-polar. She could be suffering depression. Or, as another poster mentioned, PMDD. This is all about her and if you indeed do love her, than get her to a qualified medical doctor and have them run tests. The more information you can give the doctor as to when, how, how often and any trigger mechanism that brings on the silent treatment the easier it will be to treat her. Medication can definitely be the answer.

Wishing HER the best of luck. Step back and remember it isn't about you.

Guy

[jpb1963]

At least she is not a typical bar girl/massage girl that the MAJORITY of foreigners date and marry. Sounds like your a little smarter and not a total loser/boozer like the MAJORITY of foreigners that move here are. Give her a chance to sort things out . But my advice is not to marry her for at least a year whether mom likes it or not. Your still young take your time..

You are projecting a very jaundiced view of "Foreigners" which is probably based on personal experience.

Are you acquainted with the "Majority" of foreigners who would not share your opinion(s) ?

what a churlish and immature statement - where do you get off categorising the "majority" of foreigners, you sound like a bigoted ill informed individual that more than likely has not ventured outside of Pattaya or BKK - or dare I say it the safety of your loungeroom and internet connection.

<deleted>.

[Sheryl]

The Ladies Forum is for women living in Thailand, it is not a forum about Thai women or relationships with them.

Moved to General forum.

[fey]

she probably wants to be left alone during those times. thai's won't usually tell you to take a hike verbally.

i do this to with some people that are a tad needy. not much you can do but nod and hope they go away if you can't get away physically.

[ttthailand]

Didn't read all posts so maybe this has been asked and said already.

What does she do while not talking to you ? Is she busy on her IPhone chatting ? Does she try to be by herself ? Does she look worried and thinking about something?

Maybe it has nothing to do with you. Perhaps she is having issues with another guy and she can not discuss it with you. She may really want to get away and chat or be alone because she is trying to figure out how to deal with everything.

Don't rule this out as it happens all the time.

Trust your instincts .....

[bkksteve123]

Does she disappear altogether during the silent treatment, or can you see that she has been online (FB, Whatsapp)?

You really should focus on the WHY and not "how to fix the silent treatment".

I don't know if you have ever lived in Thailand and what your experience is with thai women, but just to remind you: infidelity is common with this generation and this should be your primary concern.

Either way, it seems like you cannot win. Either she is nuts or cheating.

[dominique355]

I could think of 2 reasons and maybe they are even combined:

PMS and her inability to express her feelings in proper English.

Silence usually means she cannot or doesn't want to tell you - or anybody else for that matter - what is the problem.

Be patient...let her alone some time and then just hug her and tell her that you love her. Don't expect an immediate reaction. She needs time.

That's my experience after 17 years of marriage to a Thai lady.

[bbbbooboo]

When I get the silent treatment I usually go away somewhere by myself,for 3 days(there seems to be some weird 3 day rule with Thai women which I can't explain). When I return she is usually talking again. From memory usually the silent treatment is sccompanied by loss of 'priveleges' which can be problematic , however they also return too, usually

[kannot]

If there was no reason i couldnt be rsed to pi%% about with this crap and id chuck her.

[Gecko123]

OP:

In my opinion, introspection, analyzing and dissecting relationships, psychological self-analysis, and dwelling excessively on your feelings, especially if they are negative, isn't especially encouraged in Thai culture or Buddhism. If some disagree with this, I would very much like to hear other opinions on this subject. I am by no means an expert on Buddhism, but my understanding is that a tranquil mind is seen as an ideal. The importance of having a sunny disposition is drummed into kids at school, and reinforced socially as well.

As a result, I think some Thais have difficulty verbally articulating strong emotions. While it is certainly possible that your girlfriend is trying to manipulate you, my first guess is that she has difficulty articulating her feelings, or is simply dealing with her feelings in the same way that perhaps her mother handled domestic tension, i.e., by clamming up. From casual observation of Thai couples, many seem to almost expect that their spouse will intuit what is bothering them, without the need to explain what is bothering them. From a Thai's perspective, it can seem blindingly obvious what the source of irritation is. Before doing anything, I would review all the occasions you have gotten the silent treatment and try to identify any patterns about what is upsetting her.

If the OP is getting the silent treatment because he's acting inconsiderately, and the girlfriend has a legitimate reason to be annoyed, acknowledging and changing your behavior will probably get better results than trying to have an Oprah Winfrey-style "let's delve into our deepest feelings" discussion on the living room sofa.

Edited October 17, 2015 by Gecko123

[cyberfarang]

I very much doubt the lady will be able to vocalise any coherent reason for her behavior.

I don't need a reason to why this happens, even if that would actually be a good place to start. What I need is to know what we can do so it doesn't happen again. The few times we talked a bit about it she said it is her fault, not mine. And I don't feel like I have done anything wrong, so on that part we both feel the same. The thing is it feels a bit different than some other friends I talked about that god "silent treatments". She isn't happy when she feels this way, and also she makes me very unhappy. And she doesn't do it to get anything from me, because I don't give her any things or extra physical support or anything. It is just bad for both of us, so I think she would also like this to never happen again. Just not sure how to talk about it in the best way because she can easily feel really bad from any criticism.

You are dead wrong.

As with any problem, first has be investigated to see the cause before it can be tackled and cured. And if you can`t solve the problem, it could mean that you two are not compatible.

The best way to discuss this is head on, tell her your exact feelings on the matter and see how she responds. If not satisfied, then call time on the relationship.

[mesquite]

Tell her to knock it off or it's over.

[wooloomooloo]

I'll give my wife one thing, the silent treatment usually lasts all of twenty minutes and then it's over and done with and that's on a bad day. Bad days are a very rare occurrence, anyway.

If she's really p?*sed with me then she'll let it all out and we deal with it there and then. Rare occasions, indeed.

We don't engage in shouting matches, throwing valuables or smashing possessions. If she's p?*sed with me then it's usually for good reason as she's highly intelligent, possesses good English and looks after me like a king. If it gets to that stage then I'm invariably in the wrong. I'm a fair person and, notwithstanding, my wife has forgiven and forgotten some of my major indiscretions. Not many ladies, Thai or otherwise, would put up with some of my past antics.

All's fair in love and war. Just know when you've got to back down.

If your Thai lady's continued behaviour is causing problems and you've a modicum of fairness, then it's almost certainly unreasonable. Not a lot you can do about it. Suck it up or call it a day. It's that simple.

Edited October 17, 2015 by wooloomooloo

[steven100]

six pages on why do i get the ' silent treatment '

[atpeace]

Been married 15 years and for the most part it has been good. What you're describing is conman and ignore the fools that tell you to run. A couple days every month or two is really that bad? It is probably just period related which can cause issues 10 days before or after so hard to tell. Relax and in lieu of talking to her about how it bothers you, talk to her how you intend to react. Hopefully you can find the strength to do your own thing while she goes through whatever she does.

A couple days every month or two - you're lucky!

[coolhand53089]

My wife does the same thing. And the one other Thai gf I had before her, she did it also.

From what I read on the forum, a lot of men experience this with Thai women. I know it is a worldwide phenomenon - women coping with problems in a childish manner - but it seems more prevalent here (the silent treatment punishment).

We have been together every day now for 7 months, so we are still a relatively new couple. But I just handle it like I would with women any other place. Take serious self-examination & see if there is anything I need to change in myself or my behavior. And if not (usually not), then just remain calm and assertive. Because it seems like a childish tactic or bluff to get the man to act like a doormat, to be sorry and take sh**, like psychological warfare & manipulation.

So I just try to be calm and assertive, provided there is nothing I need to change about myself or my behavior.

My wife eventually starts putting it in writing when she is ready to start talking again. There is a very slight language barrier & plus she probably is not great at dealing with conflict. So when I get a Line message sent from her from the next room over, I am just happy there is some communication.

I am like you also, the silent treatment bothers me a Lot! And I made that clear to her every time. But I just stay calm and assertive, because I think it is a female manipulation tactic, and not a healthy way to deal with problems- this silent treatment.

[zaZa9]

I had a girlfriend like this and it was maddening beyond belief...

"Pen , do you want to go down the market soon?"

She turns and walks away without answer.

Culturally , this is a 'no no' in Thailand , particularly as I was both 10 years older , and the provider.

( I dont mean she "Owes" me anything - I just doubt sincerely if she'd have done that to a Thai partner ...)

Its ignorant behaviour in my culture as well , and a , "No , Im unhappy/dont want to /Im busy" , would have surficed.

Instead , and without warning , her walking away heralded 2 days of silence - and no end of inquirey ever revealed why I was getting the silent treatment.

BUT , I did discover evidence after we finished up that she had been going through my pc , and that she was most unhappy I still spoke to my ex-gf. And evidence that she had been investigating my every move VERY closely.

So Im glad we finished - living under a microscope and facing the silent treatment wasnt anything I wanted for the future.

Shame really but , she was extremely pretty and unaffected otherwise .

[sead]

Many girls like the free apartment, food and stuff that comes with you. She dont like you anymore but at the same time she saves alot of money. Does she live in your place or hers? Does she borrow something from you daily like bike or car? When i ask a question i demand answer. Not answering is really disrespectful and i would leave her long ago. Do you want this life? Who are you going to talk to for the years to come.

[fang37]

If you hire a part-time lover, that may diffuse the matter to a degree.

[fey]

do you know the word for pad thai in english?

Edited October 17, 2015 by fey

[Kaalle]

It is not a "small thing" and if you genuinely have not done anything to provoke this "silent treatment" you have a BIG problem.

I very much doubt the lady will be able to vocalise any coherent reason for her behavior.

Best you give some very serious thought to any future plans you may have.

Well having done "nothing" can also be the reason for the silent treatment.

[Razzler1973]

Big communication problem, we are used to communication. You said she speaks English great

For sure there is something bothering her and you need to find out what it is (well, you don't need to ...)

It's easier to ignore someone on skype or the phone than in person, this is all digitally or when you're in the same country. If it's been going on a long, long time then it's not really on. Just be direct, ask her. If nothing then 'it seems like you don't want to be with me' see how she handles that direct question. No point guessing

It may be she wants you in Thailand all the time but doesn't want to broach the subject and is waiting for you to bring it up (and guess that's what it is!)

[Razzler1973]

This lady has many men

you are just one

she is worried other boyfriend will find out about you

maybe mix western/thai man

In Nong Han, near Udon Thani, there is a town with

big houses all built with Swiss money, nick name

Swiss Town, but no Swiss man there, you are next.

I really love her, and she me.

RUBBISH-NO

Thai people don't,,love,, they take care, how many times you

say to her do you love me? did she say to you NO?

Try to look in her phone, how many foreign numbers?

Awwwww sorry to hear your GF cheated on you

It's nice to think everyone is the same though, isn't it. Makes life simpler to deal with

[jpb1963]

go and drink lots of beer

then go home and crash out

then go and drink lots of beer and go somewhere else and crash out

continue with above until some reaction occurs

if no reaction continue with above

[Seann]

Run.

[fang37]

Or feed her some magic elixir - instant death mixture.

[lostinisaan]

<snip> I for example changed myself by trying actively to do things out of my comfort zone and have so much more confidence now than 10 years ago, when I could barely speak to girls for various reasons. Since than I have had one longer relation in Sweden and now my second longer relationship is starting. <snip>

I can't believe how naive you come over. You're staying together now for only 5 months and she's a teacher? How could you guys get along if you're together 24/7?

Maybe you are the reason for her behavior, have you ever thought about that? How can you even think of getting engaged, or married if you can't talk about something that's pretty normal in a relationship?

If you can't talk about EVERYTHING in a relationship, the relationship's a dead one.

"Your second longer relationship is starting?" Dude, there's something wrong with you that might affect her.

It's not my intention to hurt you, but reading your posts, is quite scary to me. A 29 year old adult, writing like a 14 year old teenager.

You might start to figure out what's wrong with you, first. Best of luck.

Edited October 19, 2015 by lostinisaan

[carpediem86]

You feel...you feel...you feel. This isn't about you so get off the pity boat. This is about her. It is HER problem, not yours. She even tells you that. Deal with it not as a personal issue against you, but an illness that she has.

If she was diabetic you wouldn't "feel" it was against you. She needs medical help. Clock the days and times that she goes through this silent period. What were the triggers. She could be bi-polar. She could be suffering depression. Or, as another poster mentioned, PMDD. This is all about her and if you indeed do love her, than get her to a qualified medical doctor and have them run tests. The more information you can give the doctor as to when, how, how often and any trigger mechanism that brings on the silent treatment the easier it will be to treat her. Medication can definitely be the answer.

Wishing HER the best of luck. Step back and remember it isn't about you.

Guy

I understand what you mean, and I'm also starting to think more along this way even if some people here in this thread thinks it's the opposite, that I am doing something she doesn't like, or I'm behaving in a way she doesn't like (lostinisaan for example). Many people here have had different ideas about why she does this and even if you are so sure about that she has some kind of illness I'm not 100 % sure yet. We will talk more about it soon and if it is somethings in this direction I will of course support her. And try to convince her to get help of some kind. As I wrote we have not been talking much about this yet so I can not know for sure why she behaves like this. Maybe she is not sure either and maybe our next talk will result in that she wants to get an examination of some sort from a doctor. I hope we can deal with it somehow, not only for her sake, but because now we both feel bad. If I knew it was some kind of disease it could be easier to handle on my part and hopefully much easier on her part too, because then she can get some kind of treatment.

Didn't read all posts so maybe this has been asked and said already.

What does she do while not talking to you ? Is she busy on her IPhone chatting ? Does she try to be by herself ? Does she look worried and thinking about something?

Maybe it has nothing to do with you. Perhaps she is having issues with another guy and she can not discuss it with you. She may really want to get away and chat or be alone because she is trying to figure out how to deal with everything.

Don't rule this out as it happens all the time.

Trust your instincts .....

She usually sleeps/rests more than usually and only does things by herself. Some TV and a lot of things on the phone, like checking FB and YouTube videos. Not much chatting. She likes to do this normally too, but not so much as when she is in the silent mode. She often stays in the same room as me and doesn't tell me/show me to go away if I go there to try and comfort her. Just no reaction in any way.

<snip> I for example changed myself by trying actively to do things out of my comfort zone and have so much more confidence now than 10 years ago, when I could barely speak to girls for various reasons. Since than I have had one longer relation in Sweden and now my second longer relationship is starting. <snip>

I can't believe how naive you come over. You're staying together now for only 5 months and she's a teacher? How could you guys get along if you're together 24/7?

Maybe you are the reason for her behavior, have you ever thought about that? How can you even think of getting engaged, or married if you can't talk about something that's pretty normal in a relationship?

If you can't talk about EVERYTHING in a relationship, the relationship's a dead one.

"Your second longer relationship is starting?" Dude, there's something wrong with you that might affect her.

It's not my intention to hurt you, but reading your posts, is quite scary to me. A 29 year old adult, writing like a 14 year old teenager.

You might start to figure out what's wrong with you, first. Best of luck.

I don't think this will give either you or me very much but since you kinda attacked me I will give a short response anyway. We have been together 24/7 the 6 months we have spent time together, living together every day during that time. And the 12 months we have been in different countries we chat/talk every day. As I said it is a start of my second longer relationship, it is not very long yet, but I hope that it will be. Because I'm still rather young I could not have had many longer ones. And if you feel that I write like a 14 year old it's okay, as long as not everyone feels this way. Then maybe I should try to change how I choose to build my sentences. If you have more critique like this you can keep it to yourself as it is not helping anyone. Or if it is helping you feel better feel free.

Of course I have thought that something I do could be the reason to her behavior, why do you think I never thought about this? As I stated in my first post I don't know why she is behaving like this and we will talk more about it to try and find out. As I said we talked about it before, but not that much. It seems to be a very sensitive area for her and it is the first thing so far that has been a bit difficult to talk about. Maybe in your relationship you never had any difficulties to talk about anything; we have one thing, and we will talk about it more. So even if your theory about that every relationship has one thing in common, that it will for sure fail if the couple cannot talk about exactly everything, then we will hopefully be okay anyway since we will talk more about this. That is what this whole thread is about, to get a few tips from people with more experience before I bring it up again with her.

[fang37]

Do what is right for YOU.

This may sound selfish but unless you feel OK, there is no chance @ all.

[Lucifer]

Lots of sound advice has been given in this thread, but I suspect you won't be taking any of it.

You are one of those "my girlfriend is different" kind of man/ woman.