Lesson learned: listen to your step-kids

[Gecko123]

Out of the blue, less than a month before the end of 11th grade first semester, my step-daughter announces that she has no absolutely no intention of returning second semester to the private Catholic school she was attending. This school is generally regarded as the best school in our area.

I was absolutely flabbergasted. "Have you lost your' [deleted] mind?" pretty much summed up my reaction.

'What is the problem?' I kept asking her. 'I don't like the learning environment', she says. "What do you mean, 'You don't like the learning environment?'" I ask. She says, 'The teachers don't teach, they're only interested in a handful of the best students, they have us doing busy work that's not related to the subject."

That can't be true, I say to myself. This school has the best reputation in the area. Sure, every school has problems, but you'll find those type of problems at every school. This is the best school in the area, I kept repeating to myself.

So, the investigation began. There had to be a hidden reason. A falling out with a best friend? Bullying? Embarassment over slipping grades? A mean teacher?Academic burn out? Depression? A best friend who decided to transfer to another school? What was the real reason? I wracked my brain trying to figure out what was going on.

Multiple meetings with the home room teacher. A couple more meetings with the top administrator of the school. Private meetings with tutors to seek their input. Meetings with the parents of my daughter's closest school buddies. Sounding out her classmates. Endless discussions practically every day with my step-daughter. 'What the hell was really going on?' was the question I kept asking.

As the first day of 2nd term approached, I kept hoping that my step-daughter would change her mind, but to my astonishment, she refused.

Second term at the old school has started already, but the local school hasn't started yet. Several of my step-daughter's friends transferred to new schools as well, and I happened to call a couple of their mothers to check on how they were doing at their new schools. They all reported that they were doing better, more cheerful and more focused on studying.

And that's when I realized that what my daughter had initially told me was probably the truth, and that I should have listened to her instead of thinking I knew better than her.

A week into her new school, my step-daughter seems to be adjusting well.

Just wanted to put a word out there that Western parents usually think they know best about what's educationally best for their Thai step-kids, but sometimes that's not always the case.

[lovelomsak]

Good story. Sounds like you have created a stable home for your step daughter congratulations you can communicate with her.. My stepdaughter doesnot even recognise my existence.. She dislikes me very much.

I am envious of you.Keep up the good work.

[mr jim]

Well done mate! You did all the right things. As an ex teacher I can assure you that your step daughter was spot on.The other thing that a lot of Thai teachers do is teach the pretty or good looking students with more favour. This isn't just my observations,I have been told this many times from Thai adults. Thai teachers--dark skin equates to dumb.

[Gecko123]

Well done mate! You did all the right things. As an ex teacher I can assure you that your step daughter was spot on.The other thing that a lot of Thai teachers do is teach the pretty or good looking students with more favour. This isn't just my observations,I have been told this many times from Thai adults. Thai teachers--dark skin equates to dumb.

Thank you, Jim, for your encouraging comments.

[AlQaholic]

Another thing those private schools often do is hire some farang backpacker with square pattern shorts, Philippine or Indian to teach special classes in English, then charge extra for the students to attend those "special" classes where nobody understands what the teacher is saying because of the teachers horrific accent. Time and money wasted.

[1FinickyOne]

Thanks for the post - - I am raising a ten year old and at the slightest provocation I can have so many crazy things come into my mind - 'what is really going on?' type questions - - then 15 minutes later, she is fine… though I have listed a universe of possible abuses that she might have been exposed to, when all she needed was 10 minutes of quiet or a nap at worst…

I keep my mouth shut w/the understanding that it all blows over and I would be making a big deal over nothing… when you care, that's what happens…

good for you for caring - and her too...

[NoshowJones]

Good story. Sounds like you have created a stable home for your step daughter congratulations you can communicate with her.. My stepdaughter doesnot even recognise my existence.. She dislikes me very much.

I am envious of you.Keep up the good work.

Have you asked her, and also her mother why she dislikes you so much?

I am not saying you must be a bad person, probably far from it.

But there has to be a reason, no normal person dislikes anybody for no reason.

[1FinickyOne]

Good story. Sounds like you have created a stable home for your step daughter congratulations you can communicate with her.. My stepdaughter doesnot even recognise my existence.. She dislikes me very much.

I am envious of you.Keep up the good work.

Have you asked her, and also her mother why she dislikes you so much?

I am not saying you must be a bad person, probably far from it.

But there has to be a reason, no normal person dislikes anybody for no reason.

Well, just a guess, but maybe it is someone who complains at home about "Thai people" - Thai people, this and that - well, eventually Thai people get sick of the criticism and generalizations… I see so many complaints about Thai people doing things - lying - but Westerners do too - only they think that their lies are ok - there was just recently an op who taped an airport encounter where he kept lying to the driver and trying to beeat him out of 50 baht - if a Thai did a small thing like that there would be squealing and stereotyping here… like I said, just a guess but in this life, it seems you get back what you put out. Kindness begets kindness - repeated criticism may very well beget being ignored..

[NoshowJones]

Good story. Sounds like you have created a stable home for your step daughter congratulations you can communicate with her.. My stepdaughter doesnot even recognise my existence.. She dislikes me very much.

I am envious of you.Keep up the good work.

Have you asked her, and also her mother why she dislikes you so much?

I am not saying you must be a bad person, probably far from it.

But there has to be a reason, no normal person dislikes anybody for no reason.

Well, just a guess, but maybe it is someone who complains at home about "Thai people" - Thai people, this and that - well, eventually Thai people get sick of the criticism and generalizations… I see so many complaints about Thai people doing things - lying - but Westerners do too - only they think that their lies are ok - there was just recently an op who taped an airport encounter where he kept lying to the driver and trying to beeat him out of 50 baht - if a Thai did a small thing like that there would be squealing and stereotyping here… like I said, just a guess but in this life, it seems you get back what you put out. Kindness begets kindness - repeated criticism may very well beget being ignored..

I understand your post, but it is a very big "maybe".

[Gecko123]

Good story. Sounds like you have created a stable home for your step daughter congratulations you can communicate with her.. My stepdaughter doesnot even recognise my existence.. She dislikes me very much. I am envious of you.Keep up the good work.

lovelomsak:

Thank you for the above post.

I believe that deep down my step-daughter loves me and knows that I love her. But that doesn't mean there aren't times when she acts like she hates my guts. I think that's pretty typical teenage behavior (establishing their own identity, testing boundaries, etc.)

This is probably going to sound incredibly corny, but sometimes I think we forget that some of the Thais we deal with (including our wives and children) may have had pretty hardscrabble lives and maybe haven't received an abundance of love and kindness in their lives. On a couple of occasions I have seen my wife and step-daughter almost moved to tears by acts of kindness that you or I probably wouldn't think were that out of the ordinary, or special.

If I had one suggestion on how to improve a relationship with a step-kid it would be to try to be as kind as you can be. Good luck to you.

[Just1Voice]

I've got a 18 yr old nice who is not only cute as hell, but sharp as a tack. She's known since she was 12 that she wanted to be a Prosecutor, and then a Judge, and has done everything she can towards that goal. When it came time for her to select which university to attend, she narrowed it down to Chiang Mai University and Mae Fah Luang. She came to see me and we sat down and discussed the pros and cons of each. We listed them on paper, and then discussed each one. I helped her to identify the various factors of each, but made it clear that the final choice was her decision.

She finally decided on MFL, stating that, overall, they had a better Law program than CMU, and while it would take her away from family and friends here in Chiang Mai, in the end it would be worth it. We talk every day, and when she is able to come home, after spending time with her mom, she makes a bee line for out house to see me and my wife. Yesterday she was on Cloud 9 because she learned that the has Aced her Mid Term exams. I call her my little "JIT". She asked me what that stood for. I told her "Judge In Training". She just laughs.

The last time she was here, she brought 3 of her friends with her. She walks in and hugs me like there is no tomorrow. One of her friends said something to her in Thai, and she quickly responded, then turned back to me and told me: "She said I love you like a father. I told her that you are my father as far as I'm concerned." Her real father left the picture right after she was born.

My Thai son, whom I adopted a few years ago, legally changed his last name to mine, all on his own. When he was assigned to his new school as a teacher, his students were extremely curious as to why he had a farang last name. According to my wife, he told them he changed his name to honor the man who was his father. Also, according to her, one time one of his friends made a comment about him having a farang father, and he shot back that his farang father is 10 times better than most Thai fathers he knows.

I consider myself a very lucky man, and when they talk, I always listen with complete attention to what they have to say.

Edited November 6, 2015 by Just1Voice

[momtaz]

I would like to express my high appreciation to your excellent efforts indeed !

even as a step-father, but your caring went to the extreme border.. how nicely meaningful to have a such mindset,

for myself, a former educator for several years, and growing up my own kids, there are many fact-related reasons, and especially as school,

big names are not always the criteria, and Govt public average ranked schools are not always that bad,,

However, thank you very much for this very informative learned lesson, as well reflecting a good step-father side,

Cheers !

[Roadman]

I've got a 18 yr old nice who is not only cute as hell, but sharp as a tack. She's known since she was 12 that she wanted to be a Prosecutor, and then a Judge, and has done everything she can towards that goal. When it came time for her to select which university to attend, she narrowed it down to Chiang Mai University and Mae Fah Luang. She came to see me and we sat down and discussed the pros and cons of each. We listed them on paper, and then discussed each one. I helped her to identify the various factors of each, but made it clear that the final choice was her decision.

She finally decided on MFL, stating that, overall, they had a better Law program than CMU, and while it would take her away from family and friends here in Chiang Mai, in the end it would be worth it. We talk every day, and when she is able to come home, after spending time with her mom, she makes a bee line for out house to see me and my wife. Yesterday she was on Cloud 9 because she learned that the has Aced her Mid Term exams. I call her my little "JIT". She asked me what that stood for. I told her "Judge In Training". She just laughs.

The last time she was here, she brought 3 of her friends with her. She walks in and hugs me like there is no tomorrow. One of her friends said something to her in Thai, and she quickly responded, then turned back to me and told me: "She said I love you like a father. I told her that you are my father as far as I'm concerned." Her real father left the picture right after she was born.

My Thai son, whom I adopted a few years ago, legally changed his last name to mine, all on his own. When he was assigned to his new school as a teacher, his students were extremely curious as to why he had a farang last name. According to my wife, he told them he changed his name to honor the man who was his father. Also, according to her, one time one of his friends made a comment about him having a farang father, and he shot back that his farang father is 10 times better than most Thai fathers he knows.

I consider myself a very lucky man, and when they talk, I always listen with complete attention to what they have to say.

Over time I have become less and less interested in the going ons on ThaiVisa...perhaps from political debate wear out. The one Forum I do love is this one and reading learning and success stories like both yours and the OP's with the upcoming generation of young thai's. And knowing that besides the commitment they are gaining from their new dads and pops that reaps the abundance of love, adoration and respect they they return, is that they are also gaining the richer side of western values to guide them. Well done to you all who take the time to commit to the new young people in your lives...I sometimes can not figure out who is the big winner in that commitment...them young'uns or us oldies.

[Mudcrab]

I've got a 18 yr old nice who is not only cute as hell, but sharp as a tack. She's known since she was 12 that she wanted to be a Prosecutor, and then a Judge, and has done everything she can towards that goal. When it came time for her to select which university to attend, she narrowed it down to Chiang Mai University and Mae Fah Luang. She came to see me and we sat down and discussed the pros and cons of each. We listed them on paper, and then discussed each one. I helped her to identify the various factors of each, but made it clear that the final choice was her decision.

She finally decided on MFL, stating that, overall, they had a better Law program than CMU, and while it would take her away from family and friends here in Chiang Mai, in the end it would be worth it. We talk every day, and when she is able to come home, after spending time with her mom, she makes a bee line for out house to see me and my wife. Yesterday she was on Cloud 9 because she learned that the has Aced her Mid Term exams. I call her my little "JIT". She asked me what that stood for. I told her "Judge In Training". She just laughs.

The last time she was here, she brought 3 of her friends with her. She walks in and hugs me like there is no tomorrow. One of her friends said something to her in Thai, and she quickly responded, then turned back to me and told me: "She said I love you like a father. I told her that you are my father as far as I'm concerned." Her real father left the picture right after she was born.

My Thai son, whom I adopted a few years ago, legally changed his last name to mine, all on his own. When he was assigned to his new school as a teacher, his students were extremely curious as to why he had a farang last name. According to my wife, he told them he changed his name to honor the man who was his father. Also, according to her, one time one of his friends made a comment about him having a farang father, and he shot back that his farang father is 10 times better than most Thai fathers he knows.

I consider myself a very lucky man, and when they talk, I always listen with complete attention to what they have to say.

Lovely story.....maybe you should consider upgrading your accommodation though....not good for a JIT to be seen visiting dad who lives in an "out house".

Jjust kidding

[NoshowJones]

Good story. Sounds like you have created a stable home for your step daughter congratulations you can communicate with her.. My stepdaughter doesnot even recognise my existence.. She dislikes me very much.

I am envious of you.Keep up the good work.

Have you asked her, and also her mother why she dislikes you so much?

I am not saying you must be a bad person, probably far from it.

But there has to be a reason, no normal person dislikes anybody for no reason.

I have been there Poss, believe me, I have been there........My weeee bit of cash has educated Mrs.Trans lad, fed him, nice abode....But WAS looked down upon by him...

Mrs.Trans kid actually NOW has been taken into the LOS fold, has a good future...

When we said goodbye to the lad to go for his one time chance........He got on his knees at my feet and said stuff...

Mrs.Trans had tears, she thought she would never see it, nor did I............

Understanding life's stuff is sometimes difficult but..........

I know Trans, but I don't remember you saying that he did not actually like you, though I may be wrong.

I sure wish him all the best in the police as long as he doesn't come after me for tea money, but seriously, I'm

pleased for both you and Mrs Trans and hope everything works out for you all.

[lovelomsak]

Good story. Sounds like you have created a stable home for your step daughter congratulations you can communicate with her.. My stepdaughter doesnot even recognise my existence.. She dislikes me very much.

I am envious of you.Keep up the good work.

Have you asked her, and also her mother why she dislikes you so much?

I am not saying you must be a bad person, probably far from it.

But there has to be a reason, no normal person dislikes anybody for no reason.

Well, just a guess, but maybe it is someone who complains at home about "Thai people" - Thai people, this and that - well, eventually Thai people get sick of the criticism and generalizations… I see so many complaints about Thai people doing things - lying - but Westerners do too - only they think that their lies are ok - there was just recently an op who taped an airport encounter where he kept lying to the driver and trying to beeat him out of 50 baht - if a Thai did a small thing like that there would be squealing and stereotyping here… like I said, just a guess but in this life, it seems you get back what you put out. Kindness begets kindness - repeated criticism may very well beget being ignored..

Nice try but way off.

The stepdaughter had a very hard childhood. Her father was and is an alcoholic who contributed nothing to the family or home. But for some reason the daughter loves him a lot and misses him. Her room is full of pictures of him and any related ones with the anyone of the family with him. I she feel is taking up some of his traits too. She never comes home saturday nights goes out saturday afternoon comes home 5 pm sunday. Sometimes goes friday comes home sunday. She doesnot hear me say. a thing she is never home. During the week she comes home with the wife after school and then changes clothes and takes wifes honda wave and goes out till 11 pm. Goes to bed without a word gets up in the morning goes to school.. Never eats at home. Donot know where she gets her money from wife says she only gives her 1500 baht a month.

And I mostly praise most thai ways donot know where you got the impression I say negative things.,it is definitely unfounded. Wifes family loves me but the dauhter is just trouble. Her mother is afraid she will leave home if either of us say anything to her. So she runs wild.

She will do anything she can to disrupt the harmony in our lives. On our wedding day she did everything she could wreck occasion. When we all moved in together I had to stop the wife from fighting with her.Wife was ready to whip her with a clothes hanger.

Anything I do to try and develop a relationship she ignores. I feel she gets a sense of power from non communication..

The son loves me and calls me Dad and introduces me to his friends and father. When he comes home from university to visit with his gf treats me like his father.Father in law and brother inlaw cannot do enough for me to show they care for me. Daughter is the only problem and I know I didnot make the problem.

Edited November 6, 2015 by lovelomsak

[1FinickyOne]

Mr. Lomsak - glad to hear I am incorrect - I apologize for my mistake. Sometimes tough kids, kids with problems can happen to nice people too.

[KonaRain]

I agree..my Son and grandchildren live on the next Hawaiian Island over from me.

I've only seen my Son once Since 1989.

Haven't met my grandchildren,

All because of a few ill

Words from his Mom.

I'm sure it's the same about Your stepdaughter.. A few words is all it takes,

Repeat..

[KonaRain]

He posts nice videos on facebook..

I get along with animals z and feed many.

....