John Cleeses’ Letter To America

[Darknight]

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of

the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give

notice of the revocation of your independence, effective

immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II,

will resume monarchical duties over all states,

commonwealths and other territories (excepting Kansas,

which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a

governor for America without the need for further

elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A

questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine

whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown

Dependency, the following rules are introduced with

immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford

English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the

pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly

you have been pronouncing it.

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as

'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will

learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the

letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the

suffix "ise".

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced

'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg'

if you find you simply can't cope with correct

pronunciation.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your

vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary").

Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler

noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and

inefficient form of communication.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will

let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft

spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the

reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You will relearn your original national anthem,

"God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out

Task #1 (see above).

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a

holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but

to be celebrated only in England.It will be called

"Come-Uppance Day."

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without

using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need

so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult

enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult

enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking

to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a

gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own

or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A

permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable

peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap

and this is for your own good. When we show you German

cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections

will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start

driving on the left with immediate effect.

At the same time, you will go metric immediately and

without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts

and metrication will help you understand the British sense

of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol

(which you have been calling "gasoline") -roughly $6/US

gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things

you call French fries are not real chips, and those things

you insist on calling potato chips are properly called

"crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat,

and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

10. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more

aggressive with customers.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling

beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper

British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European

brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to

as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as

"Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without

risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast

English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be

required to cast English actors to play English characters.

Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four

Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having

one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American "football."

There is only one kind of proper football; you call it

"soccer." Those of you brave enough will, in time, will be

allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to

American "football", but does not involve stopping for a

rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body

armour like a bunch of nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not

reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a

game which is not played outside of America. Since only

2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your

borders, your error is understandable.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been

driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector)

from her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to

ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.

[sbk]

Quite an old one I believe, dates from the 2000 elections.

[chuchok]

nice to see you back darknight.

[Jai Dee]

nice to see you back darknight.

Seconded.

[sbk]

glad to have you back, long time no see.

Must explain the old joke then

[Soju]

At the same time, you will go metric immediately and

without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts

and metrication will help you understand the British sense

of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol

(which you have been calling "gasoline") -roughly $6/US

gallon. Get used to it.

And some of us Americans with a memory of more than two seconds will kindly tell you to get lost until you can do likewise and not contradict yourself from one paragraph to the next. For those of you who are British but are still in the dark, "gallons" are not metric.

[dr_Pat_Pong]

glad to have you back, long time no see.

Must explain the old joke then

[/quote

Slowly

[Darknight]

nice to see you back darknight.

Seconded.

Thanks guy's

Just had a time to jump in from my busy work at another forum

@ doc

explain slowly or write slowly doc ?

Cheers

DK

[sbk]

Perhaps I should have said, "that explains the old joke then". Just to be clear

[bkkmadness]

To be honest, that all sounds reasonable to me.

US English!

[Crossy]

At the same time, you will go metric immediately and

without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts

and metrication will help you understand the British sense

of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol

(which you have been calling "gasoline") -roughly $6/US

gallon. Get used to it.

And some of us Americans with a memory of more than two seconds will kindly tell you to get lost until you can do likewise and not contradict yourself from one paragraph to the next. For those of you who are British but are still in the dark, "gallons" are not metric.

Please note. No8 has been left in American units (US Gallons) to aid our friends from across the Pond. Gallons (US or Imperial - which are not the same) are no longer used in the UK

As a Brit I really don't understand why the US still uses 'English' measurements when England (UK) has been Metric for as long as I can remember. Semi-serious question

Edited October 26, 2006 by Crossy

[suegha]

I just can't help but read it in a John Cleese voice!

[farangconnection]

At the same time, you will go metric immediately and

without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts

and metrication will help you understand the British sense

of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol

(which you have been calling "gasoline") -roughly $6/US

gallon. Get used to it.

And some of us Americans with a memory of more than two seconds will kindly tell you to get lost until you can do likewise and not contradict yourself from one paragraph to the next. For those of you who are British but are still in the dark, "gallons" are not metric.

What about : a metric gallon?"

[Patsycat]

I just can't help but read it in a John Cleese voice!

DITTO

[Mr Jones]

Please note. No8 has been left in American units (US Gallons) to aid our friends from across the Pond. Gallons (US or Imperial - which are not the same) are no longer used in the UK

Milk and Beer are

[Nongwahyay]

..............why do nitpickers always try to pull absolutely everything to pieces??????

[Crossy]

Milk and Beer are

I don't buy milk in gallons (maybe beer ), but you are of course correct (although supermarket packages tend to be metric), we still use miles too (but distances to hazards are in metres).

[endure]

..............why do nitpickers always try to pull absolutely everything to pieces??????

Because that's what they do. That's why they're called 'nitpickers'.

[udon]

G'day Darkie, good to see you again.

Never seen that list before, I nearly sprayed the monitor with Nescafe.

[Mr Jones]

At a recent NPA

My Name is Mr Jones.

and I'm a nitpicker.

[udon]

I'm not surprised, coming from Liverpool.

[farangconnection]

..............why do nitpickers always try to pull absolutely everything to pieces??????

No we don't....................................and it's knit-pickers

[dr_Pat_Pong]

..............why do nitpickers always try to pull absolutely everything to pieces??????

No we don't....................................and it's knit-pickers

[Nongwahyay]

..............why do nitpickers always try to pull absolutely everything to pieces??????

No we don't....................................and it's knit-pickers

........nice try........but it´s still nit-pickers......or am I now nit-picking?????

[Crossy]

..............why do nitpickers always try to pull absolutely everything to pieces??????

No we don't....................................and it's knit-pickers

........nice try........but it´s still nit-pickers......or am I now nit-picking?????

Hmmm, I think it's 'nitpickers' They have a website here http://www.nitpickers.com.au/

[lannarebirth]

That John Cleese is a funny fellow. It's also funny how he somehow overlooked that those barely literate, Neanderthal Americans, managed to register 23 times more new patents last year than their British betters. Oh well.

[Boatabike]

That John Cleese is a funny fellow. It's also funny how he somehow overlooked that those barely literate, Neanderthal Americans, managed to register 23 times more new patents last year than their British betters. Oh well.

True but did you know that 22 of the 23 were designed / created within the U.S. by Europeans lured there by large sums of money! So the cash was U.S but the brains......!

The other one was from Turkey.

Edited October 29, 2006 by Boatabike

[suegha]

That John Cleese is a funny fellow. It's also funny how he somehow overlooked that those barely literate, Neanderthal Americans, managed to register 23 times more new patents last year than their British betters. Oh well.

True but did you know that 22 of the 23 were designed / created within the U.S. by Europeans lured there by large sums of money! So the cash was U.S but the brains......!

The other one was from Turkey.

[lannarebirth]

That John Cleese is a funny fellow. It's also funny how he somehow overlooked that those barely literate, Neanderthal Americans, managed to register 23 times more new patents last year than their British betters. Oh well.

True but did you know that 22 of the 23 were designed / created within the U.S. by Europeans lured there by large sums of money! So the cash was U.S but the brains......!

The other one was from Turkey.

I didn't say 23, I said 23 times; as in 3, 500 vs 85,000. Hey, and why single Turkey out? It's Europe too, right?

[Robski]

Beer still tastes like near frozen gnats urine tho'. ha bloomin' ha.