25-year-old student with 40-year-old Thai lady in Chiang Mai

[Falconator]

I am 25 now, and my girlfriend is 40. She is a shop owner in Chiang Mai.

I've adopted her 6-year-old daughter as my own. She loves me a lot and is quite clingy.

We've known each other for about half a year. We met as neighbors.

As for me, I am an Asian American who was born in California. Looks-wise, I pass for Thai.

I am currently studying at the graduate level at a local university in Chiang Mai.

Been here for about 1 year and am very fluent in Thai. I only speak Thai with my girlfriend.

A few questions:

1. How common are serious younger man - older woman relationships like mine in Thailand? In Chiang Mai, I seem to be the only guy who's in this kind of arrangement.

2. Any cultural advice in general, especially how this kind of relationship would be viewed and treated in Thailand?

3. What would a family visit to her home province entail? She does not have any family members to support except for our daughter who is 6.

Feel free to ask questions if you want more details.

[pgrahmm]

If things are going good for you who really cares what others think.....

Your 25 & she's 40.....She could still look great at 55 and you are 40....But - if you are so concerned about what people are thinking now how are you going to feel when she starts showing age & you're still a young buck - in Thailand.....It might not be as much fun then + you'll have a 21-22 year old daughter to explain....

What are your plans once you leave the college nest? Are you going to be OK saddled down with a 6-7 day a week shop & raising a child while the wife works? Or you going to sit around the shop - maybe get bored & go for massages....

If she's clingy now it's only going to get worse - you'll probably be on a short leash.....Right now she has the cushion of your school schedule to allay her clingy concerns.....

You're going to be living in her web.....

Edited July 24, 2016 by pgrahmm

[eldragon]

1. Not common, although I see young men with older hookers all the time.

2. Everyone will think she's a hooker and you're a naive fool. In fairness, they think that about almost any foreigner that dates a Thai girl, so welcome to the party.

3. Anyone who is vaguely related to her will ask you for money.

[NanLaew]

1. Not common, although I see young men with older hookers all the time.

2. Everyone will think she's a hooker and you're a naive fool. In fairness, they think that about almost any foreigner that dates a Thai girl, so welcome to the party.

3. Anyone who is vaguely related to her will ask you for money.

Quoth the speed-reader who completely overlooked, "I am an Asian American who was born in California. Looks-wise, I pass for Thai."

[Falconator]

1. Not common, although I see young men with older hookers all the time.

2. Everyone will think she's a hooker and you're a naive fool. In fairness, they think that about almost any foreigner that dates a Thai girl, so welcome to the party.

3. Anyone who is vaguely related to her will ask you for money.

1. I mean serious relationships.

2. She does not look or talk like a hooker. Northern Thai people know better. And we're in a college neighborhood far from the bars and pubs. Plus she speaks zero English, which is totally untypical of Thai hookers.

3. No one who is vaguely related to her has asked me for money. This is a middle-class Thai lady whose circle of friends mostly includes teachers, government workers, and business owners.

Edited July 24, 2016 by Falconator

[Falconator]

If things are going good for you who really cares what others think.....

Your 25 & she's 40.....She could still look great at 55 and you are 40....But - if you are so concerned about what people are thinking now how are you going to feel when she starts showing age & you're still a young buck - in Thailand.....It might not be as much fun then + you'll have a 21-22 year old daughter to explain....

What are your plans once you leave the college nest? Are you going to be OK saddled down with a 6-7 day a week shop & raising a child while the wife works? Or you going to sit around the shop - maybe get bored & go for massages....

If she's clingy now it's only going to get worse - you'll probably be on a short leash.....Right now she has the cushion of your school schedule to allay her clingy concerns.....

You're going to be living in her web.....

I'm not exactly that concerned about what people are thinking, but it's a good idea to know how the average Thai middle-class person perceives this.

She's very laid-back about shop hours and I've got my own online job. I've also got good connections with universities here and can find university teaching and research jobs without much trouble. Another option is to move my new family to the US

The daughter's clinginess is not much of an issue for me. It's always been a good thing.

[villagefarang]

You really don’t have to concern yourself with some hypothetical average middle-class person. Friends, relatives, employers and maybe immigration officials should be on your list of people you want to look at you favorably but all the others shouldn’t even be on your radar. If anything you should be concerned with what you think of them.

[pgrahmm]

If things are going good for you who really cares what others think.....

Your 25 & she's 40.....She could still look great at 55 and you are 40....But - if you are so concerned about what people are thinking now how are you going to feel when she starts showing age & you're still a young buck - in Thailand.....It might not be as much fun then + you'll have a 21-22 year old daughter to explain....

What are your plans once you leave the college nest? Are you going to be OK saddled down with a 6-7 day a week shop & raising a child while the wife works? Or you going to sit around the shop - maybe get bored & go for massages....

If she's clingy now it's only going to get worse - you'll probably be on a short leash.....Right now she has the cushion of your school schedule to allay her clingy concerns.....

You're going to be living in her web.....

I'm not exactly that concerned about what people are thinking, but it's a good idea to know how the average Thai middle-class person perceives this.

She's very laid-back about shop hours and I've got my own online job. I've also got good connections with universities here and can find university teaching and research jobs without much trouble. Another option is to move my new family to the US

The daughter's clinginess is not much of an issue for me. It's always been a good thing.

My error - misread & thought it was your lady that was clingy....

That makes it better for you.....

No reason age should trump love....You're not trying anything that hasn't been done successfully before.....

Soul mates aren't age restricted ....Neither should be your thinking.....

[Falconator]

You really don’t have to concern yourself with some hypothetical average middle-class person. Friends, relatives, employers and maybe immigration officials should be on your list of people you want to look at you favorably but all the others shouldn’t even be on your radar. If anything you should be concerned with what you think of them.

All of her close friends are very supportive of our relationship. They are to be quite impressed by me and are really happy for her. She says she is pretty sure her relatives would welcome me with open arms. Her relatives have never asked her for money.

Generally, middle-class Thais are supposed to be more conservative, so at first I was expecting them to be disapproving and slightly shocked. This just makes me wonder if average middle-class Thais outside her circle of friends would be just as open-minded.

As a younger guy, I can definitely expect that the relatives on my side would be a bit shocked.

She looks perfectly acceptable in a university or work setting, and I often take her and our daughter on walks around the local college campus. Employers and immigration officials should be totally OK with her.

On the other hand, I wouldn't walk hand-in-hand with a stereotypical Pattaya bar girl anywhere near my school.

[theguyfromanotherforum]

I don't look at the age necessarily, but with me the biggest issue would be a child from a previous relationship.

You don't know what kind of a gem you might be dealing with in the future.

[petermik]

I,m sorry to bring this up but for me it would be very important,a thai lady in her forties CAN be as sexy as hell and great fun,a thai lady in her mid to late 50,s may be a very different matter and you will be in your mid 30,s.................worth thinking about but good luck anyway

[Happy Grumpy]

Live your own life and don't care what others think.

Be it the locals in CM, the locals in her home town, or Westerners on a forum where the majority need to pay their 'wife' a salary just to be with them.

[theguyfromanotherforum]

I,m sorry to bring this up but for me it would be very important,a thai lady in her forties CAN be as sexy as hell and great fun,a thai lady in her mid to late 50,s may be a very different matter and you will be in your mid 30,s.................worth thinking about but good luck anyway

I am sorry to bring this up, but I doubt you have ever been in a relationship before arriving to Thailand.

[eldragon]

1. Not common, although I see young men with older hookers all the time.

2. Everyone will think she's a hooker and you're a naive fool. In fairness, they think that about almost any foreigner that dates a Thai girl, so welcome to the party.

3. Anyone who is vaguely related to her will ask you for money.

Quoth the speed-reader who completely overlooked, "I am an Asian American who was born in California. Looks-wise, I pass for Thai."

And as soon as he opens his mouth everyone will know he's not Thai.

[eldragon]

1. Not common, although I see young men with older hookers all the time.

2. Everyone will think she's a hooker and you're a naive fool. In fairness, they think that about almost any foreigner that dates a Thai girl, so welcome to the party.

3. Anyone who is vaguely related to her will ask you for money.

1. I mean serious relationships.

2. She does not look or talk like a hooker. Northern Thai people know better. And we're in a college neighborhood far from the bars and pubs. Plus she speaks zero English, which is totally untypical of Thai hookers.

3. No one who is vaguely related to her has asked me for money. This is a middle-class Thai lady whose circle of friends mostly includes teachers, government workers, and business owners.

1. Still not common.

2. Doesn't matter. People will still think it.

3. I was kinda joking about that last one (all three of em really).

[swissie]

She does not have any family members to support except for our daughter who is 6.

By the time OP has finished his studies and lands a decent job and marries the Lady, he may well be surprised how many relatives pop-up.

- At the age of 40, a Thai Lady (unless wealthy), is (by Thai-Male expectations) of little interest.

This is where the Farangs enter the scene. All clear ?

Cheers.

[Falconator]

And as soon as he opens his mouth everyone will know he's not Thai.

Actually not that fast, it takes several sentences and half a minute or so, because I speak with a pretty good accent.

She does not have any family members to support except for our daughter who is 6.

By the time OP has finished his studies and lands a decent job and marries the Lady, he may well be surprised how many relatives pop-up.

- At the age of 40, a Thai Lady (unless wealthy), is (by Thai-Male expectations) of little interest.

This is where the Farangs enter the scene. All clear ?

Cheers.

She hasn't been back to her home village in about 20 years. I've grilled her about her relatives, and she's not particularly close to them. This is great news if you're dating a Thai woman, since you have very little chance of having relatives trying to leech off you.

[Falconator]

1. Still not common.

2. Doesn't matter. People will still think it.

3. I was kinda joking about that last one (all three of em really).

1. No prob, I like bucking the trend and being unique.

2. No, I guess some folks think it might actually be the other way around. She says that some Thais might think she wants to "kin dek" (eat young guys).

One friend teased us warm-heartedly that I'm so close to her because we're like mother and son (luukchai gap mae).

We don't look like this, which probably characterizes around half of all ThaiVisa forum members.

We look more like the following.

We don't get stares and nothing looks strange unless people take a really close look. Same with the couple above if they were to walk down a street holding hands in any Western country.

How would anyone think that younger guy met the older lady in the pic because she was a hooker? That's only for pic #1 that.

Edited July 24, 2016 by Falconator

[Gonsalviz]

t has been my experience that Thai women about 40 tend to dispense with sex. Not good for a 20 something male. Not all of course but it is very possible. They think they are too old.

[Gonsalviz]

1. Still not common.

2. Doesn't matter. People will still think it.

3. I was kinda joking about that last one (all three of em really).

1. No prob, I like bucking the trend and being unique.

2. No, I guess some folks think it might actually be the other way around. She says that some Thais might think she wants to "kin dek" (eat young guys).

One friend teased us warm-heartedly that I'm so close to her because we're like mother and son (luukchai gap mae).

We don't look like this, which probably characterizes around half of all ThaiVisa forum members.

We look more like the following.

We don't get stares and nothing looks strange unless people take a really close look. Same with the couple above if they were to walk down a street holding hands in any Western country.

How would anyone think that younger guy met the older lady in the pic because she was a hooker? That's only for pic #1 that.

TIT.

[eldragon]

And as soon as he opens his mouth everyone will know he's not Thai.

Actually not that fast, it takes several sentences and half a minute or so, because I speak with a pretty good accent.

She does not have any family members to support except for our daughter who is 6.

By the time OP has finished his studies and lands a decent job and marries the Lady, he may well be surprised how many relatives pop-up.

- At the age of 40, a Thai Lady (unless wealthy), is (by Thai-Male expectations) of little interest.

This is where the Farangs enter the scene. All clear ?

Cheers.

She hasn't been back to her home village in about 20 years. I've grilled her about her relatives, and she's not particularly close to them. This is great news if you're dating a Thai woman, since you have very little chance of having relatives trying to leech off you.

You're not Thai, mate. People are gonna know. Just like I know who the foreigners are back home as soon as they start talking. Anyway, I'm mostly just having fun with you. But seriously, your arrangement is not common, and most Thai people seem to think Thai girls with foreigners are hookers. Or at the very least that they need the foreigner for something besides a loving relationship. You asked the questions so there are your answers. With regards to the third one, if she's not supporting anyone then any visit to the family would be same as anywhere else in the world. Unless she's hi-so, her family will probably be really laid back. It's difficult to offend people here to the point that they'd actually say something to you about it.

[theguyfromanotherforum]

most Thai people seem to think Thai girls with foreigners are hookers.

Most Thai people actually don't think Thai girls with foreigners are hookers, unless you, of course, fit the image.

[eldragon]

most Thai people seem to think Thai girls with foreigners are hookers.

Most Thai people actually don't think Thai girls with foreigners are hookers, unless you, of course, fit the image.

Is 'not Thai' the image?

[tandor]

If things are going good for you who really cares what others think.....

Your 25 & she's 40.....She could still look great at 55 and you are 40....But - if you are so concerned about what people are thinking now how are you going to feel when she starts showing age & you're still a young buck - in Thailand.....It might not be as much fun then + you'll have a 21-22 year old daughter to explain....

What are your plans once you leave the college nest? Are you going to be OK saddled down with a 6-7 day a week shop & raising a child while the wife works? Or you going to sit around the shop - maybe get bored & go for massages....

If she's clingy now it's only going to get worse - you'll probably be on a short leash.....Right now she has the cushion of your school schedule to allay her clingy concerns.....

You're going to be living in her web.....

I'm not exactly that concerned about what people are thinking, but it's a good idea to know how the average Thai middle-class person perceives this.

She's very laid-back about shop hours and I've got my own online job. I've also got good connections with universities here and can find university teaching and research jobs without much trouble. Another option is to move my new family to the US

The daughter's clinginess is not much of an issue for me. It's always been a good thing.

..post your success story in a romance magazine..

[Gecko123]

Falconer:

I envy you your ability to pass for Thai. I would caution you, however, about becoming overly confident that your language skills provide you with a magical ability to pierce and unravel every cultural veil and mystery which Thailand presents.

I studied Thai intensively for 9 years before I met my wife. Looking back, this enabled me to get a reasonably good sense of who she was as a person, and confidence that we had genuine chemistry, but there was so much I didn't know as well. I realize most couples might say much the same thing, but I would caution you about thinking you're spiderman with supernatural powers just because you can speak Thai better than the average expat. That can get you in a lot of trouble over here.

Wish you success with your relationship.

[Berkshire]

To the OP: Yes, this is unusual....but I doubt it violates any social norms. Not anymore than any foreigner/Thai relationships.

But just curious--have you always been interested in older women, even back home? I envy guys like you that find older women attractive. If I were interested in older women, I'd have the pick of the litter. Not just in Thailand, but in the west as well.

[petermik]

I,m sorry to bring this up but for me it would be very important,a thai lady in her forties CAN be as sexy as hell and great fun,a thai lady in her mid to late 50,s may be a very different matter and you will be in your mid 30,s.................worth thinking about but good luck anyway

I am sorry to bring this up, but I doubt you have ever been in a relationship before arriving to Thailand.

Married for 20 years in the UK with two grown up sons (both now in their late 30,s) grandfather of 3,now happily residing here,does that answer your question

[petermik]

t has been my experience that Thai women about 40 tend to dispense with sex. Not good for a 20 something male. Not all of course but it is very possible. They think they are too old.

Exactly the point I was trying to make in my reply earlier,sad but true with many older Thai ladies......if this happens she may give him permission to have a mia noi ...............as many thai men have

[Nemo.]

It's your life so in the end do what you feel is right.

I disagree with posters who think Thais think all foreigm men with thai women mean the woman is a hooker. Total rubbish from those who prob hang out in girlie bars. Thais know from clothes, body language and way the person speaks their social status. 20% of men (the sensible ones) marry decent girls many are high society types who open doors eg you suddenly get that top teaching post or a promotion when your thai management meet your gf. They know. They will check that person out and seen it happen lots. Marry a bar girl and suddenly you are not renewed! Even a decent lower middle class wife or gf gets a good response as nothing worse for thais to deal with farangs with hookers on their arms at a work function.

But age is an issue. A 40 year old woman at 25 is nice. 55 year old at 40 isnt. You need to think of that ahead and is the love really strong enough?

[smotherb]

1. Not common, although I see young men with older hookers all the time.

2. Everyone will think she's a hooker and you're a naive fool. In fairness, they think that about almost any foreigner that dates a Thai girl, so welcome to the party.

3. Anyone who is vaguely related to her will ask you for money.

One out of three, not bad.

1. It is true, the relationship is not the norm, but is hardly unusual--my wife and I just had dinner with a man and his older wife; his two son's were there with their older wives. So, three of the four of the couples were older woman, younger man. The oldest Thai woman is 12 years older than the father, one of the two daughters-in-law was 8 years older than her husband, the other only two years older. They are all teachers, the men are Filipinos. So, it happens.

2. Since the OP is Asian and looks Thai, the bar-girl bias should not be prevalent. The people who get to know you will learn the difference too. In fact, we discussed that very subject and all three couples agreed, the men don't look farang, so not so much bias.

3. Not every set of Thai in-laws are leeches, period. If they do ask for money, I have the solution. Make a simple rule--you will give her family the same amount of money her family gives you. Fair is fair.