ballpoint

The phrase “Who goes there?” has been around for sentries. - - - - - - - - - - - The future of my see-saw business is in the balance. - - - - - - - - - - - My best mate is an expert taxidermist. He really knows his stuff. - - - - - - - - - - - My washing machine was too loud; so I put a sock in it. - - - - - - - - - - - For all you people who can't stand musical puns: you have my symphony. - - - - - - - - - - - The patron saint of playgrounds is Saint Francis of a See-saw. - - - - - - - - - - - Double negatives; they're a no-no. - - - - - - - - - - - You're all invited to my recycling party tomorrow – please bring a bottle.

A lorry containing electrical goods has crashed in Liverpool. Police expect the road to be clear in five minutes.

Way back in my army days I was ordered to make a list of all the lamps and bulbs in Buckingham Palace. I was in The King's Light Inventory.

Breaking.. News has come in that last night, a Russian acrobat was badly injured whilst performing a human pyramid. A spokesperson for the troop quoted: “I don't know how we can can continue to perform, as we don’t have Oleg to stand on”.

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down.' she says. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag. The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her. After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?' He hadn't and said so. Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing.' Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly. 'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. 'Well, what is it then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery salesperson.' 'Batteries?' cried the wife. 'Yes!' he replied. 'She Sells C Cells by the Seashore!'

"I am," is the shortest sentence in the English language. "I do," is the longest sentence.

It's a bit cloudy today. Maybe I should see a urologist.

The 'Make Racism History' movement has done a fantastic job. History is now incredibly racist.

Nicola Sturgeon has received a warning from police, after being pictured without a face mask in public last weekend. I know she's no oil painting, but surely that's a bit harsh?

There was a race between a brunette, a redhead and a blond to swim the English Channel, doing only the breaststroke. After around 30 hours the brunette staggered up on shore and was declared the winner. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up to the finish line in second. Nearly four hours after that, the blond finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporter asked why it took her considerably longer to finish the race, she replies, "I don't like to sound like a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms!"

My feelings too are mixed. While it may be bizarre to be supporting an evil, murderous, out of control blight on the human race, I wouldn't wish Putin on anything, not even cancer. Let's hope they're able to assist it in its fight against him.

Nothing but bad luck today. Not only will the toilet not flush, I’m now banned from HomePro.

Unfortunately my wife found a dead mouse in the kitchen cupboard this morning. She was horrified. She’s spent the whole day deep cleaning. All cupboards emptied and everything washed: pots, pans, cups, glasses, everything! Then she’s cleaned out the cupboards, the surfaces, the floor. It looks likes a brand new kitchen. Tomorrow I’m going to put the dead mouse in the bathroom.

I met a transvestite in Manchester He had a Wigan address.

Just found out a neighbour has been caught hoarding stolen items from people's gardens. Police found 100 lengths of feathered edge timber and 20 litres of creosote; all reported missing. He's the local fence.

"Hello, and welcome to assumption club. I think we all know why we're here!"

I was present when my wife was giving birth. The midwife and doctor were at the bed but a strange fellow was by the door with his head in a sand bucket. I asked what he was doing, and the midwife said not to worry, he was the ostritrician.

To the woman in Tesco’s with the screaming kids, if you're wondering how the condoms got in your trolley... You're welcome.

For her birthday, my wife told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. So I bought her a treadmill.

I couldn't afford my renewal fees for our local bondage club, but they were good to me and organised a whip round.

I was terrible at spelling when I was at school. Brilliant at jografy though.

As I get older I seem to have a change of taste sense, I mean Southern comfort tastes lovely but standard comfort tastes like fabric conditioner.

I've joined a new web dating site for arsonists. They send out new matches every week.

The chairman of Russia's nationalistic Rodina party, getting excited that their new hypersonic Sarmat ICBMs could hit Berlin in 106 seconds, Paris in 200 seconds and London in 202 seconds, and claiming Russia would only need to fire one Sarmat missile at the UK and "the British Isles will be no more". Not the sharpest tool in the shed, thinking only in terms of whether the missiles could be shot down or not, and not about any retaliatory strikes that would be submarine launched. Not to mention the wisdom of, out of all the NATO countries in Europe, looking to attack the only two nuclear armed ones. The host of the show points out that "the UK also has nuclear weapons and a missile attack on them would result in more death everywhere". "No one will survive in this war when you propose a Sarmat strike. Do you understand that no one will survive? No one on the planet." "We'll start with a blank slate", replies the warmongering idiot. Lets hope those with the mindset of the host prevail, but I wouldn't hold my breath. The sequel to Dr Strangelove will be produced in Moscow.